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Fear of making the first move!

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  • 06-09-2014 11:13pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Such a stupid fear, but I think this is one of those moments where I need someone to rationalize this with me! Basically I have a fear of making the first move with lads! I dont want to do it because part of me is afraid that they'll go along with it for an easy ride or something? that they wouldnt actually like me but theyd go along with it?
    I realise that this is stupid, its like I want them to like me first because it makes it seem like theres something in particular about me that they find special, whereas I feel if I hit on someone, I risk them being interested just because, rather than interested in me in particular! I am a rational person in general, and I know if a lad hits on me and i I wouldnt persue if i wasnt interested but because it doesnt seem to happen that girls hit on lads im afraid ill look like a slut or something! and ive had it happen in the past where ive just been friendly to lads and ive had them try it on with me just because I was being nice to them rather than that we particularly got on well, i feel like they dont discriminate as much or something! Ive a feeling this may have something to do with low confidence, I want the validation that they want me, rather than me having to persue them..any advice?am I mad?


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    #2
    RZoran
    Closed Accounts Posts: 50 ✭✭RZoran


    meekone wrote: »
    ive had it happen in the past where ive just been friendly to lads and ive had them try it on with me just because I was being nice to them

    Kinda answered your own question here I think. If you have been flirting with a guy - especially if you have been together in a 1 on 1 setting where there is no pressure on the guy - then he should easily pick up on the vibe and make some sort of move. And yea, most guys even if they are not really interested are not going to pass up the opportunity for some easy action unless they really don't like you, are already in love, are used to attention, or gay.


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    #3
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Lots of people with disagree with me but after many, many years on the dating scene, I have found (and female friends agree) that if a guy is interested he will let you know. None of us have ever had a successful relationship from a guy we asked out. I'm sure there are exceptions but between the 8 of us in our gang we have knocked around with a fair few guys over many moons and all agree (btw none are single now).

    Be open and friendly and give guys a chance but don't chase.


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    #4
    Zirconia
    Registered Users Posts: 385 ✭✭Zirconia
    Boycott Israeli Goods & Services


    Speaking as a guy, I've had two long term relationships and in both those cases I was asked out by the girl. I was very flattered and complimented, and very impressed by their confidence. I have asked plenty out but nothing ever came of those. So I wouldn't rule out asking someone out if I was you, all you have to say to them is would you fancy meeting up for a coffee or a drink sometime? You might get to know someone better that you like rather than hoping they make the first move and ending up never knowing.


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    #5
    Stan27
    Registered Users Posts: 530 ✭✭✭Stan27


    I was shy too, but you will be surprised how much confidence you will get when you meet some one you really care for rather then just a random girl/ lad


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    #6
    cookiexx
    Closed Accounts Posts: 335 ✭✭cookiexx


    I think the reality is that no single fella will say no to a lady if there's nothing immediately unattractive or 'off' about her. He'll go along for the ride (I don't mean that in the crude sense, although I think most lads won't refuse that either) because for a change he's not the one who has to do the chasing.

    I've been burned by this before the very rare occasion I'd take it upon myself to ask a lad out. I'd be considered attractive I suppose and the guy would agree probably based on that and kind of go along with things, and I'd unwittingly end up getting strung along by a guy who's not really into me but taking advantage of the fact that he knew I liked him. Probably because society is set up to put the owness on men to do the asking-out, so any time a pretty lady makes the move, a guy might instinctively think 'this doesn't happen often, I couldn't possibly say no!'

    Now that's just one bad experience and I'm sure many people will have lots of positive stories, but in my opinion if a guy is really into you, you won't be left wondering or left thinking about making a move. He'll snap you up as fast as he can.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    cookiexx wrote: »
    I think the reality is that no single fella will say no to a lady if there's nothing immediately unattractive or 'off' about her. He'll go along for the ride (I don't mean that in the crude sense, although I think most lads won't refuse that either) because for a change he's not the one who has to do the chasing.

    I've been burned by this before the very rare occasion I'd take it upon myself to ask a lad out. I'd be considered attractive I suppose and the guy would agree probably based on that and kind of go along with things, and I'd unwittingly end up getting strung along by a guy who's not really into me but taking advantage of the fact that he knew I liked him. Probably because society is set up to put the owness on men to do the asking-out, so any time a pretty lady makes the move, a guy might instinctively think 'this doesn't happen often, I couldn't possibly say no!'


    Op here,thanks for all replies. Consensus seems to be to let the lad do the asking,does that mean I shouldn't be too flirty?im just confused as people say make it obvious you like him as guys aren't mind readers,but then others say being too flirty shows u like them,hence getting used even if they don't like you that much!


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