Will your partner stay with you while giving birth?

annie_ie · 23-01-2011 12:37pm #1

Myself and partner have started talking babies recently and one of the conversations has been about him being with me while I give birth.
He says that he doesnt want to come into the room because doesnt want to witness it.

Has anyone else had this issue and what happened in the end?

Ickle Magoo · 23-01-2011 12:50pm

Moved from the Ladies Lounge - think you'll get a better response here. :cool:

crazy cat lady · 23-01-2011 12:56pm

In my experience, most fathers want to be present at the birth. However, go back a generation and the likes of my father and my father-in-law were happy to just drop the women at the door and wait for a phonecall!

What exactly doesn't he want to witness? Cos he can always stay at the head end and leave the business end to the professionals!

bobbytables · 23-01-2011 12:58pm

As a man, I would like to be in there with my partner. A) because I would like her to have a familiar face there to encourage her tell he she's doing brilliant.

I would like to be there when our baby came in to the world.

However if on the day my partner felt more comfortable for me to step outside I'd go and do my manly duty of pacing the corridoor until news arrived.

Nevyn · 23-01-2011 1:12pm

Ask him what it means by witness it, first time Dad's are generally kept up the top beside Mam and mind her and hold her hand and don't have to venture down to the other end of the birthing bed at all.

How Strange · 23-01-2011 1:41pm

Op, what stage of your pregnancy are you at? My oh said exactly the same at the early stages and I said ok if that was what he wanted then I wouldn't force him. His mum had words with him (off her own bat) and he saw that his presence would be a support for me and an incredible experience for him.

We agreed he'd stay up top but recently he said he'd like to see the head coming out. Just as long ad he can still see me as his wife afterwards and not some idealised madonna then that's fine.

IMO it takes men a while to get their heads around the gory parts of pregnancy. We did a private and public ante natal class over 3 months and it really reassured himself. There were things I never told him and hearing it from a midwife made it seem more normal if that makes sense.

tallaghtmick · 23-01-2011 1:49pm

crazy cat lady wrote: »

What exactly doesn't he want to witness? Cos he can always stay at the head end and leave the business end to the professionals!

i was there for the birth of my son i was at her side letting her try break my fingers as promised.Tell him to man up and be there for you.......guilt is excellent

Winnie · 23-01-2011 3:57pm

I dont know how I'd get through the birth if I was left on my own!....my OH will defo be there with me, then its up to him which end he wants to be at :-)

Squiggler · 23-01-2011 6:17pm

I think it depends on the man. My Dad wanted to be there for the birth of all four of us, and was very involved in the birth of my youngest two siblings (born at home) cutting the cord etc.

My brother-in-law thought he would be there for my sister but he couldn't bear to see her in pain, found it very distressing, and she found herself having to reassure him. He realised he was no help and left and they agreed on the second that the only way it would work was if he wasn't involved in the birth.

We are planning a home birth on our first (due in March) and, while I really want my husband there with me to share the experience, I'm not going to pressure him into anything.

LavaLamp · 23-01-2011 6:28pm

I definitely want my OH there, and he wants to be there too which is handy

He is the only person that understands me when I am in pain, and knows when to make me laugh and when to stand at a safe distance with full body armour on LOL!

We have both agreed that he should stay up top, although if he want's to see what's going on then that's fine by me. We were hoping for a home birth but can't get a midwife, it's our first anyway, so I guess it's good in that we will know what to expect second time around (can't believe I'm thinking that already and no. 1 isn't even here yet) and will hopefully get to do it at home.

Each to their own though, and if they aren't up for it then I wouldn't force it on them.

Butterflylove · 23-01-2011 9:23pm

My OH was totally like oh I wont be there Im not good with blood and guts etc

My own Dad told him its the best experience in the world it took him 7 goes before he went in and he regerts the ones he missed said theres nothing like withnessing your child been born

He has said he wants to be there now and if at the time he wants to have a look he will I'm not sure how Id manage it without him there tbh he's my rock :P he knows me better then anyone else

January · 23-01-2011 9:26pm

My partner was a bit on the fence for the first few months, he's really not good with blood/pain/needles anything like that. But he came in and he done really well, both times!

The first time he didn't get to see the birth because it ended up an emergency c section under general anesthetic, but he was there all the way the second time and even watched her coming out!

mud · 24-01-2011 1:55am

My dad wasn't allowed in for the first three births ('70s kids) he was allowed in for the fourth and last ('83) still regrets not being there for the rest of us but was delighted to have experienced it at least once.

There was a petrol shortage when I was born ('79) and he siphoned petrol out of his brother-in-law's car much to the chagrin of my Grandad who begged him not to as that would mean the BIL couldn't go home :P

OP hope it all works out whatever you both decide to do, all the best!

How Strange · 24-01-2011 5:28pm

For all you nervous dads, my oh was so nervous about blood, guts and gore and he was absolutely fantastic and such a huge emotional support for me. I don't know if I'd have coped so well without him there. Sometimes I didn't want him to do or say anything but just be there beside me. Despite the blood etc he was enthralled to see his baby son come into the world and he wasnt one bit queasy or faint.

Gumbo · 24-01-2011 6:32pm

i plan to be there while my GF is giving birth, but plan to stay put at the head end, dont want to see what goes on at the business end of this well oiled machine we call "women"

Wedgie · 24-01-2011 6:38pm

Been there, witnessed that, not going back for seconds (in April).

Nicki123 · 24-01-2011 6:54pm

My husband was with me throughout and I don't know how I would have coped without him. It's an overwhelming experience, especially the first time so it helps to have someone dependable with you. He had said that he would stay at the top end but as things got moving he inevitably moved down to have a look and then stepped up to the plate to cut the cord - wild horses couldn't have stopped him. I was very proud of him actually and it really was a lovely thing to experience together.

As for the fathers, my dad told me that on their first he dropped my mam to the door at the coombe and then went home to his own mother and burst into tears cos he felt so worried about my mam and helpless! He subsequently witnessed the last 2 of us being born.

Also, it's not all guts and gore either. I was presently surprised by how gutless and goreless it all was

Mimikyu · 24-01-2011 9:29pm

This post has been deleted.

positron · 25-01-2011 3:22pm

We had our first baby this day three weeks ago, and I was at the business end recording all the "action" and birth.

I have never had any issues with blood etc, but I think I did have a bit of bother "spectating" her bits under surgical overhead lights with couple of midwifes. I did feel a bit uncomfortable for a while with the whole thing and I did fear for a while that this whole image will stay in my mind and put me off having 'fun' with her later. But the sight of our daughter coming out was priceless and it's something I will never forget! Three weeks on, I think the fear/concern is disappearing slowly - we haven't had any action yet, but I think I will be alright when the time comes. Only word of advice for anyone considering this is - just prepare yourself for what is to come, once it's over, only think about the baby from then on..!

liliq · 25-01-2011 3:41pm

positron wrote: »

We had our first baby this day three weeks ago, and I was at the business end recording all the "action" and birth.

As much as I would like my OH to be there... don't think I'd be able to have him recording that!!! You're both very brave!

positron · 26-01-2011 12:57pm

lol, we are planning to show this video to our daughter when she is going thru the final stages of her first pregnancy in 20-30 years time!

Squiggler · 26-01-2011 1:02pm

:eek:

Currently in the final stages of my first pregnancy and can say, without any hesitation, that the last thing I would want to see right now would be a video of my own birth, or anyone elses birth for that matter.

I was present at the birth of my youngest brother (it was a homebirth) and it was a pretty cool thing to be able to experience, but being there and watching a video of it are two entirely different things. When you're there you can choose yourself where you want to look!

Maybe your daughter will feel differently about it though.

finnegan2010 · 26-01-2011 1:05pm

Personally I would not want to be there.....
I used to date a girl in hallows street and the stories.
Stinky business i heard lol.
Wouldnt be my cup of cha now
Ill stick to watching Saw

Bill2673 · 26-01-2011 1:19pm

As a man I'd think you'd be a fool not to be there....its a momentous moment in your life, the birth of your child so why would you want to be sitting in a coridor outside. So unless you are really squeamish....

The above answer I suppose is a matter of opinion though.

A more relevant point is that it is, in my view, important for the man to see what the woman has gone through giving birth; I know it goes without saying, but I was still taken aback by the level of physical effort involved on the part of my partner during childbirth. I would suggest witnessing this can give the man a better understanding and/or appreciation of the hormonal/emotional shifts their partner may go through in those challenging first few weeks of baby's life, and could help him to be more patient and understanding during this time. Interested to hear if anyone agrees or disagrees.....

NextSteps · 26-01-2011 1:53pm

Squiggler wrote: »

:eek:

Currently in the final stages of my first pregnancy and can say, without any hesitation, that the last thing I would want to see right now would be a video of my own birth, or anyone elses birth for that matter.

I can't imagine anything worse than being videod as I go through labour!

Dusty87 · 26-01-2011 2:00pm

tallaghtmick wrote: »

i was there for the birth of my son i was at her side letting her try break my fingers as promised.Tell him to man up and be there for you.......guilt is excellent

+1,
Id stayed by her side holding her hand and i can only say it amazing and will be there everytime. And mick is right, you will damn near break his hand:p

lynski · 26-01-2011 7:52pm

Could not have done it without my partner last 2 times and would not have anyone else if he did not want to/could not be there. He was amazing and so supportive.
He did have a peek when I had my emergency c section and was kinda sorry he did and he saw my daugther being born naturally too so he has seen it all now. This time will be a walk in the park for him.

HxGH · 26-01-2011 8:27pm

Ewy blood, guts, poop, etc.

Very similar to many video-games men play today! :P

Get him to grow a pair and then grab him by them and make him watch.

MadPatrick · 27-01-2011 12:07pm

If he doesn't want to go in because of blood and needles, I don't think you should refer to him as a man, a selfish little boy would be more like.

I'll go in <snip>

Das Kitty · 27-01-2011 12:16pm

MadPatrick -Please familiarise yourself with the forum charter. After Hours style posting is not appropriate for the parenting forum.

Squiggler · 27-01-2011 12:40pm

I think some of you are being very hard on fathers in this thread. Everyone is different. Some men can't bear to see their wife or partner in pain and not be able to do anything about it.

I know one man, a friend of my father, who refused to have any more children after watching his wife go through a difficult labour. It became a very serious issue for him. He was convinced that next time she might die and not willing to have her take the risk. She once confided in me that she wished she had sent him away as his distress during the birth only made things more difficult for her and she would have liked to try again. As I mentioned in my previous post, my sister learned from their experience and did send her husband away when he exhibited similar symptoms during the birth of her first child.

Neither of them are unmanly or effeminate. They are merely very caring, compassionate, thoughtful and considerate human beings.

dexter50 · 28-01-2011 5:11am

I was present for the birth of our child and to be honest it is the greatest experience I have ever had.

For the most part of the day the man is pretty useless and it can feel like your useless I think this is a problem with some men because they don't have the answers and really can't do anything to influence whats happening, all you can do is try and be supportive and be a punch-bag until the epidural comes and then your back to been useless again. When it came to the pushing part though the mid-wives let me get involved and let me assist all be it only holding my partners leg but it felt good to be involved!!

My wife had to have a section in the end as little Josh was too big to come out naturally (10lbs 8oz) but I was there for it all and when you hear that little cry.. amazing..

Casey_81 · 30-01-2011 1:00pm

Im in the early stages of my own pregnancy, and I am half thinking of asking my sister (who has 4 kids) to be my birth partner.

My hubby is great, but I feel that I would get better support from someone who has been through it all before..

cbyrd · 06-02-2011 3:36pm

I couldn't have coped as well as i did during all 3 of my children's births if my husband wasn't there, but if he'd decided it was something he wasn't up to i wouldn't have forced him. Whats the point having an unwilling birth partner who's little use? He didn't do anything especially remarkable but just knowing he was there when i was at the height of a contraction just helped me get through it. He is my rock

Will your partner stay with you while giving birth?

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