Best jokes from Primary school.

VenomousFish · 18-08-2011 8:51pm #1

This is the thread for all those jokes you remember from Primary. Think back to those simpler days, when all a joke needed was a reference to male genitalia to make everyone that heard it erupt into giggles. The more immature the better. To start:
My uncle Billy,
Had a very big willy,
So he showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
So she cut it with a rake,
And now it's only three foot four.

merengueca · 18-08-2011 8:54pm

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs!

Grassy ar5e:D

Oh_Noes · 18-08-2011 8:57pm

What's the difference between Ayrton Senna and Denis Irwin?

Denis Irwin can take corners.

hatrickpatrick · 18-08-2011 8:58pm

Hey, would you like to join the Pen Fifteen club?
It's the coolest club EVER, and all you have to do to become a member is let me write our logo, Pen Fifteen, on your hand in permanent marker.
Sure!

PEN15

Ah. Bollocks.

EverEvolving · 18-08-2011 8:59pm

Your epidermis is showing.

hatrickpatrick · 18-08-2011 8:59pm

Actually speaking of Bollocks, does anyone remember the game, "Bollocks"?

The object is to say the word bollocks, then your opponent has to say it louder than you did, then you say it louder, etc. Winner is whichever one doesn't get kicked out first.

Cormac2791 · 18-08-2011 8:59pm

merengueca wrote: »

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs!

Grassy ar5e:D

Our rendition was after been slide tackled to the ground as opposed to having no legs!

tayto lover · 18-08-2011 9:00pm

merengueca wrote: »

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs!

Grassy ar5e:D

What would you call a Spanish footballer with no balls ?

Senorita.

Samich · 18-08-2011 9:01pm

Guess what.

What

You're gay.

Guill · 18-08-2011 9:02pm

Walking down the lane just swingin my chain,
along comes a copper tries to take down my name,
out with my pen knife flickity flick,
Down with his trouser and off with his dick.

(Hilarious at the time, extra because i got to say dick).

Shreddingblood · 18-08-2011 9:02pm

What did St Patrick say to the snakes when he was driving them out of Ireland?

"Are you alright in the back there lads?"

The Big Red Button · 18-08-2011 9:02pm

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

eamor · 18-08-2011 9:07pm

Two smarties are kicking the **** outta the jellybabies...hardman mr.vicks walks in....grabs the smarties and makes bits of them...barman fruit pastile cleans up d mess,pulls a few pints and thinks jeez that mr.vicks is f***in menthol....

Radharc na Sleibhte · 18-08-2011 9:08pm

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

(hehe, i remember thinking that was gas, told every aunt uncle and cousin)

mackg · 18-08-2011 9:08pm

Are you a gay tied to a pole

no

Ahhhhh a gay on the loose

what's the capital of thailand

Bangkok, followed by a kick in the balls

Do you cry when your dad rides you in the ass

no

ahahahahahahah

cocoshovel · 18-08-2011 9:10pm

Are you gay!?
no
Does your mother know you're gay?
no.
I thought you said you weren't gay ohohohauehauheahuhe.
ok.

Hey dropped your gay card
huh?(looks down)
haahaiahhahaha

Agaysayswhat!?
what?
hahahahaha!

suarez9 · 18-08-2011 9:12pm

Whats the worst four years of an tinkers life? 6th class!

El Siglo · 18-08-2011 9:13pm

What do you call a man with no left testicle?

A right bollocks!

amacachi · 18-08-2011 9:14pm

What's green and sits in the corner?

A bold frog.

18-08-2011 9:16pm

Kid: Do you like reading?

Red haired kid: Yeah.

Kid: Have you read pubes?

joshrogan · 18-08-2011 9:17pm

chatterpillar wrote: »

What's brown and sticky?

Anal

FYP courtesy of Jimmy Carr.

--Kaiser-- · 18-08-2011 9:22pm

What's the capital of Thailand?

I dunno..

Bangcock!
(bash other boy in the genitals and run like fVck)

DonJose · 18-08-2011 9:25pm

Memory is gone to fcuk, I can't remember what I had for breakfast but I'll never forget this one, based on a fella who lived in the flats next door.

Willie White did a sh!te,
in the middle of the night,
he saw a ghost eating toast,
halfway up a lamp post.

The Gnome · 18-08-2011 9:25pm

1: How do you spell hive without the e?

2: Hiv.

1: Are you positive?

2: Yeah!

1: Hweh hweh hweh

c_man · 18-08-2011 9:26pm

Would you ever touch a BMW?

Yeah...

AHHHH GAY! Black man's willy!

Dionysus · 18-08-2011 9:26pm

Two pages into a thread on primary school jokes and not one mention of

YOR MA'

Corkfeen · 18-08-2011 9:30pm

What's long, hard and full of seamen?

A Submarine.

Fremen · 18-08-2011 9:30pm

Not really a joke, but bumping your index fingers together was the hand gesture for being gay, as if gay men have sex by poking their knobs at one another.

That's hilarious.

--Kaiser-- · 18-08-2011 9:31pm

c_man wrote: »

Would you ever touch a BMW?

Yeah...

AHHHH GAY! Black man's willy!

A related one:

Would you do a black?
- Yeah
Really? I'd do his wife!

cocoshovel · 18-08-2011 9:32pm

What does JCB stand for? Job Completely Bolloxed.

du Maurier · 18-08-2011 9:33pm

mackg wrote: »

Are you a gay tied to a pole

no

Ahhhhh a gay on the loose

what's the capital of thailand

Bangkok, followed by a kick in the balls

Do you cry when your dad rides you in the ass

no

ahahahahahahah

The first joke to me seems of a new-ish breed. I only heard that one a few years ago.

One I recall went like this:

Boy 1: If your hand is bigger [sic] than your face you've got cancer!

Boy 2: Really?! [Cue Boy 2 testing out the claim by putting hand to face]

Boy 1: [Shoves the measuring hand of Boy 2 into his face]...and probably roars "Ehhh, you don't have cancer.."

du Maurier · 18-08-2011 9:35pm

Fremen wrote: »

Not really a joke, but bumping your index fingers together was the hand gesture for being gay, as if gay men have sex by poking their knobs at one another.

That's hilarious.

Well it's hardly a straight thing to be doing.

BOHtox · 18-08-2011 9:36pm

Would you lick a knacker's arse for an apple?
No
What would you do it for?
nothing

bahahahahahahaha

mackg · 18-08-2011 9:42pm

Fremen wrote: »

Not really a joke, but bumping your index fingers together was the hand gesture for being gay, as if gay men have sex by poking their knobs at one another.

That's hilarious.

you: how many legs are there between two cows, two chickens and a cockfor

other kid: what's a cockfor

you: ahh you don't know what a cocks for!!!

As for the gay tied to a pole joke I heard that in 2nd or 3rd class I'm 24 now

pdbhp · 18-08-2011 9:46pm

Were you ever caught eating shít?

No!

You must be good at it then!!

pdbhp · 18-08-2011 9:49pm

Matthew Mark Luke and John went to bed with nothing on
In the middle of the night Matthew had to have a shíte
Gotta be done gotta be done
Out the window with his bum
holy Moses walking by heard a rumble in the sky
looked up to see the cause and got it right between the jaws.

Thought that was gas back in the 80's

Samich · 18-08-2011 9:50pm

Have another gem.

"What's red and hairy?"

"What?"

"Fanny rash, do ya get it?"

"Ya"

"ahhhh you have fanny rash!!"

OneArt · 18-08-2011 9:54pm

Does your granny have a fanny does it smell?
*sniff sniff*
Does your granny have a fanny does it smell?
*sniff sniff*
F*cking hell
*sniff sniff*
Golly gosh
*sniff sniff*
It needs a wash!

mcw92 · 18-08-2011 9:56pm

'Here will you tie my laces?'
'No'
'Im not your friend anymore so'
'Ok ok, il tie them'

Back in 1st/2nd class.

Sir Gallagher · 18-08-2011 9:58pm

Anybody remember this rhyme

Hey Pakistani has your Nanny got a fanny,
fcking hell *sniff sniff*
what a smell *sniff sniff*

I saw her at the bus stop i thought she was a ride
but when she got closer
I nearly fcking died
fcking hell *sniff sniff*
what a smell *sniff sniff*

Jesus we were filthy little racists back in the day. :pac:

AnamGlas · 18-08-2011 10:09pm

pdbhp wrote: »

Were you ever caught shagging sheep?

No!

You must be good at it then!!

Our version

Samich · 18-08-2011 11:03pm

Sir Gallagher wrote: »

Anybody remember this rhyme

Hey Pakistani has your Nanny got a fanny,
fcking hell *sniff sniff*
what a smell *sniff sniff*

I saw her at the bus stop i thought she was a ride
but when she got closer
I nearly fcking died
fcking hell *sniff sniff*
what a smell *sniff sniff*

Jesus we were filthy little racists back in the day. :pac:

eenie meenie minie moe, catch a .......

StevieNicksFan · 18-08-2011 11:03pm

Not really jokes but funny nonetheless:

Ching Chong China man went to milk a cow
Ching Chong China man didn't know how
Ching Chong China man pulled the wrong tit
Ching Chong China man covered in sh!t

Stuck to my leg like a hard boiled egg, Diarrhea, Diarrhea

Beans Beans good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart
The more you fart, the more you eat,
The more you sit on the toilet seat

There were loads more but can't remember!

AnamGlas · 18-08-2011 11:15pm

You couldn't beat a round of "I wish all the ladies..." on any school tour

Sir Gallagher · 18-08-2011 11:19pm

Samich wrote: »

eenie meenie minie moe, catch a .......

I know jesus, crazy how casual the racism was back then.

Fremen · 18-08-2011 11:31pm

Jesus Christ, superstar,
Flying down the road in his motor car.
Pulls a skid,
Kills a kid,
Recks his head on a dustbin lid.

Fremen · 18-08-2011 11:33pm

Sir Gallagher wrote: »

I know jesus, crazy how casual the racism was back then.

It had changed to "tiger" by the time I was growing up.

qwertyuiopa · 18-08-2011 11:36pm

What's the definition of sour milk?

Yer granny's boobies

Kxiii · 18-08-2011 11:36pm

What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue?

A nun falling down a stairs.

StevieNicksFan · 18-08-2011 11:37pm

Just remembered another one:

Hitler..only had one ball
The other..is in the Albert Hall
His mother..the dirty fúcker,
Chopped it off when he was small

Sir Gallagher · 18-08-2011 11:37pm

Fremen wrote: »

It had changed to "tiger" by the time I was growing up.

PC gone mad :eek::pac:

Best jokes from Primary school.

Comments