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He Wants to Marry, but The Time is Never Right

  • 20-04-2015 12:44pm
    #1
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭


    I'll have been with my lad for a decade in September. He's never proposed but it's just sort of accepted we're going to be together forever. His job doesn't pay well so he has no savings for a ring or anything like that. We're not very traditional, marriage isn't that important to either of us. We're still starting our careers and renting an apartment and stuff so he just wants to wait until the time is right, when we're more settled and we have a good bit of money. He's 25 and I'm 24.

    Thing is, I have savings of a little over 10 grand from an investment I made. He doesn't want me to be paying for everything, but at the same time I think getting married would be a nice way of celebrating our tenth year together. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

    Needless to say, I'm obviously not going to insist on doing anything until he's happy to. I'm just wondering if there's anyone who can shed some light on what I could maybe say to encourage him in this respect.


Comments

  • #2
    skallywag
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,008 ✭✭✭skallywag


    OP, it's great that you two have been together so long, but I would advise you to wait until you are more financially secure and not spend your life savings to date on a wedding. I myself would also think that you are both far too young to be getting married anyway, but that's just a personal opinion.


  • #3
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    I see what you mean. Thanks for the advice! That's probably his perspective too.


  • #4
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    I wouldn't pay any heed to age. Well now if you were 17 or something maybe I would say wait, but mid twenties is fine once ye feel ye are ready then go for it..

    It sounds like ye aren't very traditional so really getting married if ye don't want the whole church/ typical day then ye wouldn't need that much money.. It all depends on what ye would like from the day itself..

    I had a brother who got married in the reg office with a few friends, went to a restaurant then, and the afters in a pub it was great and cost him less that €800, on the other hand you have the full blown wedding day which adds up but again it depends on ye..
    There is no end to what ye could do as youll see from a lot of post here.

    Rings again sure even if he got you a token ring for now and he could get it himself and then maybe save to get a better ring If this is what you want..

    I was even thinking that for our wedding bands, that if we could not afford them, I was going to get an old ring that I love repaired and use it for the big day and then maybe on a anniversary get a new ring when we have saved for it.. Makes it all the nicer too knowing how much you have saved for something that you really want.

    I think ye should really sit down and talk it trough again, maybe ask him is the money really the issue or does he just want to hold off for a few years...

    Men like to provide for their ladies so maybe this is the reason but then at the same time, just because he doesn't have the money doesn't mean ye have to put your dreams on hold..

    Also the money thing I don't know in my head id be saying feck it go for whatever makes ye happy, life is too short...


  • #5
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    I felt as though he was embarrassed talking about it when I've brought it up in the past, probably because he just wants it to all be nice and like you said, to provide for me. I'd think much more along the lines of your brother's friend. Rings are unimportant to me, I'm a violinist so I lose all my hand jewelry and a wedding ring would just be extra crap that I'd worry about losing.

    Our best friend is a Michelin star chef who has actually made three or four sample menus, he's INSISTING on catering our wedding whenever we decide to have it. As well as that, my entire family is ridiculously musical and loads of my friends are musicians so food and music world basically be cheap as.

    My parents just built a big new house and they've offered to let me have it for whenever I do decide to get hitched as I'm their last to get married. We have about thirty close friends we'd invite, he has around twenty family members and I have around forty. I guess with plus ones and declined invites we'd be talking 150-200 guests.

    Maybe if I put it like that, he'll reconsider putting it off indefinitely, or at least explain what his reservations are...


  • #6
    pooch90
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,395 ✭✭✭pooch90


    I wouldn't be putting pressure on him to decide at 25 if he wants to get married! Just because you've been together a decade doesn't mean he should want to get wed at 25.
    I know if I was on about it to my OH when he was 25, regardless of how much we knew we would be together forever, he would run a mile.

    Celebrate your 10th year with a nice holiday or something and not turning bunny boiler and pushing marriage when he has said already he wants to wait until the time is right.


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  • #7
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    well now it sounds like you have most of it already sorted, and haha you must be thinking about it a lot to have rough ideas...

    The rings was my idea, jes I cant give my brothers friend credit for that one haha.. Can do tattoos also if you weren't into the ring idea...

    Yes it sounds like ye need to talk about it, maybe he is scared or you never know maybe he is planning something already.. that or and I know it is a thought you don't want to hear but maybe he doesn't want to, even typing that Im like ahhhh.... It is so important to make sure it is something ye both want to do, I am sick of seeing couples kinda of being pushed into marriage and you can see one is happier than the other about it, it isn't nice to see.

    But just ask him to be truth full with you and if like that he says it is the money thing, then you hit him with your ideas above in fun format!!


  • #8
    stickybookmark
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,186 ✭✭✭stickybookmark


    It's nice to be asked Chloris. I wouldn't be pushing a man into marriage, especially as ye are so young! What's the rush in fairness?


  • #9
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    What's the rush indeed... There's no rush. I know it's not that he doesn't want to, or that he's not ready. He's not great at discussing his feelings, but he does his best. The impression I get is that it's a money thing. I don't really want to bring it up again because I don't want to press the issue if he doesn't want to talk about it. But I can't help feeling like it's something that merits discussion.

    I haven't thought about it that much, but it has been on my mind because we're together longer than any of my siblings, who are in their thirties and married their partners after like three or four years. We've been living together for six years, it's not like we've any intentions of changing. We fight occasionally obviously but we mostly communicate really well and we have each other's best interests at heart.

    That's why I'd just like to do it, I'd love to have a big shindig so all our friends could get together and we could feed them and give them booze and dance away with them and just generally have a laugh. Then we'd have a happy day to remember (and less importantly, to have our relationship officially ok-ed by the bureaucracy, have a new tax status and more rights when it comes to each other). I mean, that's all weddings are.

    Correct me if I'm missing something, but I just don't see why it has to be anything more complicated than that. But I also don't know how to figure out what's stopping him, or if it really is just stupid money.


  • #10
    endacl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,354 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    Get married if you are both ready, in every sense, and both want to. Don't get married to celebrate an anniversary! That's what a nice meal/party/holiday/nice gift is for. Chose any or all from that selection for the purpose of marking 10 years together.


  • #11
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    That is it, really well weddings are whatever you think they are some people think like you, others think of it as something else, but nothing matters only what you think of it..

    Ah hopefully you will get some answers now from him. Money can be a big thing to some people and not to others so maybe this is really what is wrong...


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  • #12
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    Yeah. Although I'd love to get married I might ask him later on what his idea for marriage eventually would be... There really is no rush, as ye all have said.

    We'd really enjoy putting the money I have saved towards a class holiday, hopefully. 10k... That would really take you places.

    Thanks for all the advice, I'll post an update later if the conversation we have about it this evening has any resolution.


  • #13
    bjork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,554 ✭✭✭bjork


    Chloris wrote: »
    I....... We're not very traditional, marriage isn't that important to either of us. ....

    ........ but at the same time I think getting married would be a nice way of celebrating our tenth year together. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
    ...........

    Why bother if it's not important?


    Have a meal or a holiday or a party if you want to celebrate


  • #14
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    She is not saying it is not important she is just describing what it means to her


  • #15
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    Well, after a more revealing discussion, we're going driving around Europe in September to celebrate our anniversary... It's going to be pretty class. He alluded to some big surprise in terms of engagement etc so I'm leaving it alone.

    Feck it, ye're right; it's all a big load of w4nk anyway! Think I'm going to put the money I have towards investing in market research for a business I want to set up instead of wasting it on a wedding... There's loads of time for that.

    Thanks for the advice. :)


  • #16
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Well nice and not nice to here, you seem to have changed your tone from it meaning something to not meaning something.. I wouldn't say it is a pile of **** anywho..

    But sure best of luck with your travels and sure you never know maybe he will surprise you. travelling is such a great thing to do..enjoy enjoy


  • #17
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    It means nothing to me, personally. It means a big party. It means a legal status change. But ultimately, it changes nothing meaningful.


  • #18
    bjork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,554 ✭✭✭bjork


    Chloris wrote: »
    ..................
    Maybe if I put it like that, he'll reconsider putting it off indefinitely, or at least explain what his reservations are...
    Chloris wrote: »
    It means nothing to me, personally. It means a big party. It means a legal status change. But ultimately, it changes nothing meaningful.

    Why does he need to "explain what his reservations" are then?

    the title of the thread is "he wants to get married"
    Then the posts are you describing exactly how your wedding will go and how can you change his mind

    Then it's not important to you either
    What's the point of this thread?


  • #19
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    bjork wrote: »
    Why does he need to "explain what his reservations" are then?

    the title of the thread is "he wants to get married"
    Then the posts are you describing exactly how your wedding will go and how can you change his mind

    Then it's not important to you either
    What's the point of this thread?

    Agreed 100%

    Op are you very hither and thither àbout it which is a really hood sign that you shouldn't be doing it


  • #20
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Chloris wrote: »
    It means nothing to me, personally. It means a big party. It means a legal status change. But ultimately, it changes nothing meaningful.

    Sorry now whatever you don't don't get married!! Your first post insinuates that ye want to get married that it may mean something to you but if it doesn't then stop giving out, sounds like you just want something from him and to hold him...


  • #21
    Lux23
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    Would you think of eloping? Just have a small civil ceremony and then go on a nice, long holiday. That is what I plan to do, couldn't be bothered with the traditional Irish wedding.


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  • #22
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    What we've decided to do is go travelling instead, do Holland and Germany and Belgium on a beer and scenery tour.

    Marriage is just a stupid necessity in life, in my opinion. We're not intending on having children for well over a decade. If we were to marry, we'd be doing it for tax reasons and to have a cracking party with our friends and family.

    The verdict (having talked to each other) is that we're still 100% committed but we don't have money we can waste to do it just yet, and we don't really consider it worth putting financial strain on ourselves to do it just now. To everyone saying "stop trying to pin him down" "don't get married" etc, well and good; you're entitled to your opinions and I'll be sure to pass on that our relationship is worth less to you because we don't currently want to undertake a stupid sacrament. Shows more about your relationships, tbh.


  • #23
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    but this is what I don't get why consider getting married then when you quite clearly say its a waste of money, and stupid!! Then why ask


  • #24
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Chloris wrote: »
    Marriage is just a stupid necessity in life, in my opinion. We're not intending on having children for well over a decade. If we were to marry, we'd be doing it for tax reasons and to have a cracking party with our friends and family.

    It became painfully relevant to us, when my boyfriend (now husband) had an accident, and I was not the next of kin. There's nothing quite like standing outside an ambulance as it speeds off with him in it, and you having to phone his Mammy to go to the hospital, because you can't consent to any procedure he needs. Technically, you are not legally related if you are not married. You're just two strangers standing next to eachother.

    That's what marriage is. It is a legal package changing all those bonds (consent, next of kin, guardianship, inheritance etc) from your respective parents, to eachother.

    Now, I know the law has change recently, so you acquire some rights if you live together for 4 years (2 if you have children)... But i'd check into that a bit deeper if you're skipping the marriage.


  • #25
    pooch90
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,395 ✭✭✭pooch90


    Chloris wrote: »
    What we've decided to do is go travelling instead, do Holland and Germany and Belgium on a beer and scenery tour.

    Marriage is just a stupid necessity in life, in my opinion. We're not intending on having children for well over a decade. If we were to marry, we'd be doing it for tax reasons and to have a cracking party with our friends and family.

    The verdict (having talked to each other) is that we're still 100% committed but we don't have money we can waste to do it just yet, and we don't really consider it worth putting financial strain on ourselves to do it just now. To everyone saying "stop trying to pin him down" "don't get married" etc, well and good; you're entitled to your opinions and I'll be sure to pass on that our relationship is worth less to you because we don't currently want to undertake a stupid sacrament. Shows more about your relationships, tbh.

    Wow, you were all for it until he shot it down.
    The defensive nature of the more recent posts shows a real lack of maturity and highlights the fact you shouldn't be getting married.


  • #26
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Chloris wrote: »
    We're not intending on having children for well over a decade.

    One more thing. You're 24 now. And want to wait "well over a decade" to start trying for children. So... aiming to start trying at 35-ish? In case you think that babies just appear as soon as you try, we started trying in my twenties, it took 5 years, and some fairly expensive fertility treatment to get that working out. It might just happen nice and easily for you, but at 35, you will be medically considered a "geriatric pregnancy". Which is a charming thing to see on your chart. Just to note, fertility drops sharply from 30, and the rate of miscarriage rise. Here's a chart.

    fertility_table.jpg?itok=nqZw8oyX&mtime=1406434831

    I'm not saying dive into it right now, but 35 is a long time to put off thinking about it. Bear the statistics in mind.


  • #27
    westernlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 598 ✭✭✭westernlass


    pwurple wrote: »
    One more thing. You're 24 now. And want to wait "well over a decade" to start trying for children. So... aiming to start trying at 35-ish? In case you think that babies just appear as soon as you try, we started trying in my twenties, it took 5 years, and some fairly expensive fertility treatment to get that working out. It might just happen nice and easily for you, but at 35, you will be medically considered a "geriatric pregnancy". Which is a charming thing to see on your chart. Just to note, fertility drops sharply from 30, and the rate of miscarriage rise. Here's a chart.

    fertility_table.jpg?itok=nqZw8oyX&mtime=1406434831

    I'm not saying dive into it right now, but 35 is a long time to put off thinking about it. Bear the statistics in mind.

    Wow that's scary in general. I'm 32 getting married and we have no plans until at least 35 either.


  • #28
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    haha im with you westernlass, ill come back in few years and let you know if I beat the odds


  • #29
    PhoenixParker
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,677 ✭✭✭PhoenixParker


    I've read a few things lately that indicate that charts like that are based on very outdated and very poor data.
    This one in particular:

    http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/


  • #30
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,927 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    OP, first thing I'll say is that you're posting in the Weddings, Marriage & Civil Partnership Forum - comments like "marriage is just a stupid necessity" or "it's all a big load of ****" are totally contrary to what this forum is all about.

    In your original post, you were asking for thoughts/advice on how to encourage him with regards to getting married; now you've done a complete 180 and are saying it's all a crock of shít?

    Whatever ye decided is your own business, but it's not cool to come back and knock the posters who were trying to help.


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  • #31
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    well said toots


  • #32
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    I stand by my opinions, and they're only being corroborated by all this unwarranted offence; why defend this archaic sacrament? All you've shown me is that women put way too much stock in it. I felt under pressure,


  • #33
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    primarily from the women in my family and those I'm friends with, because I'm the youngest/last to marry.

    All you've shown me here is the uselessness of this convention, the lack of logic or reason and haughty sensibilities of people who value it and the bitter, purile resentment of the kind of crones who covet ownership by a man. Although legitimate thanks to that poster who mentioned the Next of Kin issue, we've been living together for six years and we're in each other's passports as NoK so hopefully that will suffice.

    Finally, thanks for the completely unwarranted advice about my fertility, I'd better go and conceive a child now before it's too late! I am simply a walking baby factory for a man, after all. Who the hell are you to presume to give me advice about my progeny? All I've seen in this pathetic thread is a bunch of hags with no self worth beyond their men, vying for attention without any substance or actual meaning behind any of their sentiments. Marriage can f right off.


  • #34
    solerina
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭solerina


    Chloris wrote: »
    primarily from the women in my family and those I'm friends with, because I'm the youngest/last to marry.

    All you've shown me here is the uselessness of this convention, the lack of logic or reason and haughty sensibilities of people who value it and the bitter, purile resentment of the kind of crones who covet ownership by a man. Although legitimate thanks to that poster who mentioned the Next of Kin issue, we've been living together for six years and we're in each other's passports as NoK so hopefully that will suffice.

    Finally, thanks for the completely unwarranted advice about my fertility, I'd better go and conceive a child now before it's too late! I am simply a walking baby factory for a man, after all. Who the hell are you to presume to give me advice about my progeny? All I've seen in this pathetic thread is a bunch of hags with no self worth beyond their men, vying for attention without any substance or actual meaning behind any of their sentiments. Marriage can f right off.


    Oh dear ....We didn't tell you what you wanted to hear so you got angry...your definitely right not to get married yet, you need to mature a lot first !!


  • #35
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    Toots wrote:
    In your original post, you were asking for thoughts/advice on how to encourage him with regards to getting married; now you've done a complete 180 and are saying it's all a crock of shít?
    Yeah, thoughts and advice about what the actual point even is so that I could convince him of the point of it. Like I mentioned, I'm surrounded by people who, after a decade, seem to expect us to do a big public display and get married. You're all assuming that it's actually something I even care about, which it never has been. I'm sorry for blowing your minds but stop getting all 'Thought Police', if it really is so important to you all stop attacking me and defend it; the literal reason I started this thread was to try and understand why people do it beyond the fact that they're just doing what everyone else is doing.
    Toots wrote:
    Whatever ye decided is your own business, but it's not cool to come back and knock the posters who were trying to help.

    The posters who were trying to help were unduly callous, making completely unfounded judgements about our relationship, seemingly based on the fact that I had made this thread and nothing more. It was only after I was criticised from all sides after my reconciliation with the pointlessness of it all that I retaliated by dismissing it all. Why don't you focus on moderating personal attacks rather than being the defender of all marriage?


  • #36
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    solerina wrote:
    Oh dear ....We didn't tell you what you wanted to hear so you got angry...your definitely right not to get married yet, you need to mature a lot first !!
    Eh, exactly. I asked for reasons why people even bother getting married and I got a bunch of ridiculous accusations about my relationship not being worthy, my own maturity being insufficient and probably an infraction after this. Way to live up to the misogynistic standards for yer selves, pack of women who have rounded on me! I now have even less idea what the obsession with getting married is BUT I do get to spend three weeks getting f'd up in Europe with the man I love. I've also shown him this thread and we're having a good chuckle about it. Lock it, ban me, do whatever, I'm gone beyond caring.

    *mic drop*


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  • #37
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    Yawwnnn sorry but even the fact you came back to report that is just ****e to put it nicely..Why bother just walk away renee


  • #38
    Milly33
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,657 ✭✭✭Milly33


    ."I think getting married would be a nice way of celebrating our tenth year together.[/B] Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

    shed some light on what I could maybe say to encourage him in this respect. "

    Read above these are your own words taken from you first post....Why get married if you/ye both think it is such a stupid idea, don't come onto threads asking for help in something you think, means nothing to you... Your whole reaction to the replies does show your very very immature and like to waste peoples time by asking stupid questions.

    As pointed out coming onto the wedding forum to ask questions like this is kind of insulting..

    People here are getting married for whatever reason they feel is important to them, but I am sure non of them think it is a waste of time or stupid idea. Don't diss the love and smoochies of it all. I Think it is rude of you to even come on here and suggest this when people are putting so much into finding their own perfect day and celebrating however they want to...


  • #39
    Dolbert
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,154 ✭✭✭Dolbert


    Hope ur ok hun xoxoxo


  • #40
    XxMCRxBabyxX
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    Chloris wrote: »
    He alluded to some big surprise in terms of engagement etc so I'm leaving it alone.

    I look forward to seeing you back in this forum when this happens.


  • #41
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Chloris wrote: »
    we've been living together for six years and we're in each other's passports as NoK so hopefully that will suffice.
    It won't, so I hope you never need it.

    I am simply a walking baby factory for a man, after all. Who the hell are you to presume to give me advice about my progeny?
    You're the one who said you wanted children in the first place. Changed your mind again? Jeez, flakey much?


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  • #42
    Neyite
    Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Mod ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Chloris wrote: »
    primarily from the women in my family and those I'm friends with, because I'm the youngest/last to marry.

    All you've shown me here is the uselessness of this convention, the lack of logic or reason and haughty sensibilities of people who value it and the bitter, purile resentment of the kind of crones who covet ownership by a man. Although legitimate thanks to that poster who mentioned the Next of Kin issue, we've been living together for six years and we're in each other's passports as NoK so hopefully that will suffice.

    I'm not sure that it will, when I had my baby I had to sign all the forms myself for my section and consent to procedures 'in case' because if I went unconscious my partner of 11 years and father of the child was not legally (and still isnt legally) our NOK. So its worth checking out if there is a form you need to formally sign - maybe a question for Legal Discussions?
    wrote:
    All I've seen in this pathetic thread is a bunch of hags with no self worth beyond their men, vying for attention without any substance or actual meaning behind any of their sentiments. Marriage can f right off.

    That's just nasty, tbh.


  • #43
    Toots
    Administrators, Business & Finance Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,927 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Toots


    Well Chloris it's become abundantly clear that this forum is not for you. That kind of abuse of other posters isn't tolerated in this forum, or on the rest of the site. Anyway it's probably pointless posting this because you're banned from here permanently


This discussion has been closed.
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