Guys-Is everything about looks?

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 1:17pm #1

In my opinion, it does seem to be. I am doing internet dating atm. Met lovely guys, lovely dates but they are not attracted to me and then use this not ready bs line! See them online then ha.
I am not fat, size 12 but could be smaller for height and will be more for myself though.
I am well aware I am not as pretty as a lot of women but not ugly either.
I was size 8 before and loads of attention from guys but was so shy always knocked them back even though in fact I really fancied them.

Of course I have been on dates where I did not like the guy either but I really think everything is about looks and I have seen both sides. Dating site just made it more apparent methinks.

Opinions welcome. Thanks

Taltos · 01-07-2015 2:00pm

Mod Note
OP this is an advice forum. Can you please advise what advice you are seeking here as discussions breach our charter and are routinely closed.

Thanks.

ManOfMystery · 01-07-2015 2:01pm

First off, the nature of internet dating is such that it's heavily looks-based. If you're perusing hundreds of profiles on a dating site, it's almost like window shopping and obviously the most attractive photos will be the ones that leap out at you. People you could find gorgeous in a social environment like a bar, may look quite ordinary in their profile photo - and vice versa.

Once you've gone on a date though, there's also the matter of having a spark with that person, no matter how attractive they are. You seem convinced your looks are an issue - could it just be that these guys didn't click with you, and you with them? How do you know they aren't attracted to you - did they tell you?

Saipanne · 01-07-2015 2:05pm

To answer the subject title, for me, no, it's not all about looks. Someone with great looks but a bad attitude is a turn off, though it hasn't always stopped me! The reverse is true if someone is not a model but has a great personality.

The thing is, I found that online dating is hugely focused on looks rather than personality, and I think people treat it as a cattle mart, rather than a place to meet someone nice. So the problem is likely to be you using dating sites to meet a nice boyfriend.

Wabbit Ears · 01-07-2015 2:13pm

Free dating sites are more like hookup sites. You get what you pay for. If you want someone interested in actual relationships goto better dating sites.

Also remember one big life truth. If lots of people react to you in the same way. It's not them, its you. It's also probably not your looks for the most part as it unlikely you just pick only men who have very specific types which you don't match.

njs030 · 01-07-2015 2:50pm

A size 12 means nothing without knowing the person's height so I wouldn't take a dress size to mean anything.

Like someone said above, it can't all be their fault if the same thing keeps happening. Maybe it's the people you choose, maybe it's that you act differently in person than you do in messages, maybe you look totally different than you do in pictures. It's impossible to know why you aren't connecting with them without more info.

Floppybits · 01-07-2015 3:11pm

The initial part is about looks, even in a bar it is about looks. But what may attract one person would not attract another. After you get over the initial phase and start chatting thats when, I feel, everything else kicks in like personality, spark, etc.

OneOfThem · 01-07-2015 3:51pm

If you were previously a size 8, and getting loads of attention, and are now a size 12, and are not, then that's probably a factor, yes. Looks aren't everything, but they are important. They're called 'sexual relationships' as an adult for a reason, and to use a not so subtle and slightly clichéd, but certainly accurate phrase, "you can't fvck a personality".

Curious that guys are making dates with you though, and then not being attracted, if it was down to looks. Are you using photos from when you were a size 8?

Augme · 01-07-2015 5:02pm

It's not all about looks but they are important. But if you can get dates with your photos and then the guys aren't interested when they meet you then it's possible that it's your personality and not your looks. If it was your looks then I wouldn't expect you to get many dates in the first place.

Wabbit Ears · 01-07-2015 5:05pm

do you talk about your ex and constantly check your phone on dates?

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 6:09pm

Hi, Thanks for all the replies.

I hope I answer everything.

I use current photos and don't check phone on dates nor talk about exes.

No one has told me not attracted to me but get that vibe.Some have been attracted to me but I'm not into them

I guess it could be my personality as a bit quiet but I really get the vibe it's about looks

I met a guy out once,.started dating him.
Then get a text, not ready b.s. 2 weeks later back with his ex.

I know I am guilty of judging on looks too but the guy in the night club wasn't drop dead gorgeous but was just so nice.

I guess I'm wondering is there any hope of finding a nice guy.

FizzleSticks · 01-07-2015 10:02pm

This post has been deleted.

OneOfThem · 01-07-2015 11:01pm

Guys12 wrote: »

Hi, Thanks for all the replies.

I hope I answer everything.

I use current photos and don't check phone on dates nor talk about exes.

No one has told me not attracted to me but get that vibe.Some have been attracted to me but I'm not into them

I guess it could be my personality as a bit quiet but I really get the vibe it's about looks

I met a guy out once,.started dating him.
Then get a text, not ready b.s. 2 weeks later back with his ex.

I know I am guilty of judging on looks too but the guy in the night club wasn't drop dead gorgeous but was just so nice.

I guess I'm wondering is there any hope of finding a nice guy.

"Getting a vibe" is a completely unreliable barometer of how things actually are. It's like "going with your gut", or "trusting your intuition". It's relying completely on the subconcious, which includes in spades, your insecurities, and self doubts, and everything along those lines.

People are always saying on here, that internet dating in particular, is a numbers game. You make contact with person after person. You go on date after date. Sometimes they like you and you don't like them. Sometimes you like them and they don't like you. You just figure that's not another match. And move on.

The particular example you give, "not ready yet b.s. 2 weeks later back with his ex" doesn't sound like bullsh1t at all. He wasn't ready yet, cause he wasn't over his ex. Case in point, he got back with her. It wasn't bullsh1t. And from the sound of things, nothing at all to do with you.

Honestly, it just sounds like you're stressing a little bit that it's taking longer than you thought to meet someone. That's just the way it goes sometimes. Try to enjoy the search. And play the numbers game, I guess.

(In terms of the numbers game though, losing that 20lbs would definitely put the odds more in your favour.)

3DataModem · 01-07-2015 11:27pm

Guys12 wrote: »

always knocked them back even though in fact I really fancied them.

Maybe guys can sense this sort of game-playing potential from you?
You ask if guys are all about looks, then go on to describe your looks and little or nothing else about yourself or what you are looking for.

02-07-2015 12:37am

Guys12 wrote: »

I was size 8 before and loads of attention from guys but was so shy always knocked them back even though in fact I really fancied them

This is the big thing for me, as it comes across as you playing mind games. In what way were you knocking them back?

And the truth is that, yes, looks are a factor. People try to pretend it's not, but would you have approached someone if you weren't remotely attracted to them? And I don't mean as friends. As a potential sexual partner. Sure, attitude is the next biggest factor, but looks would be what reels you in and personality is what keeps you there.

Do you exercise? Diet? Not even for the purpose of losing weight, but to improve your general well being.

LegacyUser · 02-07-2015 2:35am

I don't or did not play mind games.I was just so so shy then.Nothing more,.Nothing less.

It might be shyness too.One guy contacted me out of blue 6months after date just rec

He said he didn't text me after date cos he presumed I wasn't interested.
I chatted away all night. I don't believe it for a sec after he looked me up and down
If a guy is interested he makes it known and you know
He said he like me but thought I could be a tiny bit shy.
Funny he disappeared from texting me ha.

I am looking for a relationship and have it on my profile.
I do exercise and want to lose a stone and half

beks101 · 02-07-2015 11:41am

Guys12 wrote: »

he presumed I wasn't interested.
I chatted away all night. I don't believe it for a sec after he looked me up and down
If a guy is interested he makes it known and you know

The thing is though, men are individuals as much as women are. They're not a group of sheep who all follow the same rules and social cues and characteristics which express certain emotions.

Sure, you'll have the lads who stare and smile and position themselves near you and whose eyes will follow you across the room. But then you'll have the ones who don't because they're insecure/unsure/positive they're not on your radar or you're thinking 'friends only' or are nervous and bottle it every time they try to make a move etc etc.

When I met my OH we chatted and laughed and flirted and confided in each other all night. But I thought he had girlfriend and he thought I was just being friendly. He asked for my number anyway...but he almost didn't, it was 50/50 and had he not, I probably would have filed him away as 'another cute as hell guy who's not really interested.'

Lord knows how many lads I'd met before that who either wore neon flashing signs to everyone but me that they liked me, or were a bit cagey around me because I was a bit cagey around them therefore neither partner was willing to bite and nothing at all happened.

In these situations, you write the script in your own head and you project and see what you expect to see, rather than what is actually happening. You've decided "all they want is the ride - I'm a bit bigger/less attractive so no-one is really interested" and therefore it doesn't matter what these lads do or don't do - they're doomed to the stockpile of 'not really bothered' either way.

Dating - and especially internet dating - is a headfcuk of time-wasters and chancers and interested-but-keeping-an-eye-out-for-what's-around-the-corner and liars and wholly immature men and women who are just out for an ego boost etc etc - there's no denying that. It's like a box of chocolates, there's lots of shyte ones that you don't realize until you bite into them but there's also that one that you hold out for because it makes the entire thing worthwhile. But YOU have to play your part too. And you don't do that by projecting your own insecurities on every man you meet and interpreting his actions to suit your own ideas about yourself - even when he tells you himself that he liked you but didn't think you were interested. Maybe that actually means that he liked you, but didn't think you were interested?

You need to be brave and open and use your body language to your advantage and be willing to be a bit bold and honest to get what you want in dating, as in life.

LegacyUser · 02-07-2015 12:59pm

Thanks Beks.

I honestly thought he wasn't interested when I didn't hear from him after the date. Maybe he doesn't contact people after date. He didn't appear one bit shy and used to text all the time before date. Anyway moved on from him now.

I have been told I assume a lot of things about people and need to change this.
Some have said outright in online dating that they are just out for the ride though.

So I am going to try and be more up front on dates and not hold back as much. I guess I was trying not to be too forward but when I do date for a few dates. I get far too invested in guy and hurt. No ones fault only mine.

stargazer 68 · 02-07-2015 1:34pm

Guys12 wrote: »

Some have been attracted to me but I'm not into them

Well this OP! It works both ways. Its not all about looks but there has to be some kind of attraction. You don't approach anyone you see for a date - you have to fancy something about them first off.

grumpynerd · 04-07-2015 3:12pm

men **** looks, women **** success/sometimes random sociopathic drama.

Some people use internet dating to find someone special, but the majority are using it a a time killer or just for casual sex.

Pawwed Rig · 04-07-2015 11:43pm

Looks are as important as a good CV. They open the door but get you no further unless you have the personality to back it up.
Maybe your profile needs to be reviewed if you are attracting the wrong kind of men. Maybe you need to be more proactive on the site by contacting people who better match you. There is an online dating forum on boards where you can get tonnes of advice.

Tigger99 · 05-07-2015 10:48pm

grumpynerd wrote: »

men **** looks, women **** success/sometimes random sociopathic drama.

Some people use internet dating to find someone special, but the majority are using it a a time killer or just for casual sex.

Not in my experience or that of my friends. How you tried it?

ILikeBananas · 05-07-2015 10:52pm

I think it's fair to say that looks are important, especially for men. It's just the way that we're wired. It's not fair but I guess life isn't in many ways. Online dating distorts this affect even more. In a pub situation it's obvious to everyone else in the room when someone goes to chat up the most attractive women in there. This essentially blocks that women from other suitors who then set their sights elsewhere. This isn't the case with online dating though where everyone is oblivious to all of the other people simultaneously messaging the person that they are messaging. If guys could see the dozens of messages that the most attractive girls get everyday then perhaps they'd message the other girls. As it stands though the top 10% most attractive women get something like 80% of the messages in all of online dating. It's a winner take's all scenario.

Andy_Dublin · 06-07-2015 3:14pm

grumpynerd wrote: »

men **** looks, women **** success/sometimes random sociopathic drama.

Some people use internet dating to find someone special, but the majority are using it a a time killer or just for casual sex.

I would say the vast majority are looking for that special someone and the minority are time wasters/looking for hook ups. That's my personal experience.

Pawwed Rig · 06-07-2015 5:11pm

Andy_Dublin wrote: »

I would say the vast majority are looking for that special someone and the minority are time wasters/looking for hook ups. That's my personal experience.

I don't think the 2 groups are always mutually exclusive

Cinquelimoni · 06-07-2015 5:59pm

Andy_Dublin wrote: »

I would say the vast majority are looking for that special someone and the minority are time wasters/looking for hook ups. That's my personal experience.

Why is someone a time waster if they are looking for a hookup?

dellas1979 · 06-07-2015 7:10pm

Guys12 wrote: »

I met a guy out once,.started dating him.
Then get a text, not ready b.s. 2 weeks later back with his ex.

Thats a bit of a strange way of looking at things OP.

The guy getting back with his ex didnt really have anything to do with you.
Like, you are blaming yourself for him getting back with his ex? You could be a supermodel love, but if he loved his ex, he was always going to get back with her.

I think its a bit more than "looks". Yes, attraction is a big factor. But there are many different ways to be attractive. Self confidence is one of them.

I think building some self confidence would be great for you. Something that no guy, or other person can do for you.

I'll tell you, as Ive told others here, am also in the murky world of dating. And murky it is! But I will never ever blame myself if someone doesnt fancy me or make an effort (unless Ive done something absolutely horrible to them). It is their choice for whatever their reason to not continue).

LegacyUser · 07-07-2015 8:15am

Thanks Dellas for that advice.

I will definitely take it on board.
You're right, I was blaming myself for that one as I really thought we had something.

I prob do need to be a bit more self confidence alright
I have to stop blaming myself if they are not into me.
I doubt they blame themselves when I'm not into them☺

Andy_Dublin · 07-07-2015 10:44am

Cinquelimoni wrote: »

Why is someone a time waster if they are looking for a hookup?

Suppose I should have said or as Pawwed Rig has pointed out...

SimonTemplar · 08-07-2015 12:26am

I'm a single guy in my early 30s and I thought I'd share my opinion on this topic.

It is important to me that I'm attracted to my partner. There are definitely certain specific physical attributes that are turn offs for me, but aside from that, I don't have any predefined criteria of what is attractive or beautiful to me. I could randomly see a girl on the bus and instantly think she is gorgeous. But I also really feel that there is a strong link between physical attractiveness and emotional connection (at least for me). I used to work with a particular woman last year. She didn't strike me as being notably attractive when I first met her - I just didn't get that "wow" feeling. She was just one of my work colleagues and that's it. She subsequently left the company, but we kept in touch and shared a few coffees together. The more I got to know her, the more I realised we had so much in common - both our interests and personalities. I found myself becoming very attracted to her on both an emotional and physical level. I now consider her to be remarkably beautiful despite the fact that her appearance hasn't changed at all since we first met, and I had absolutely no such feelings for her when we worked together. So her beauty in my eyes is a direct result of my emotional connection to her.

So looks are important to me but that doesn't mean I'm only attracted to the stereotypical "blonde bombshell".

I share the OP's concerns about online dating. Firstly, had I met that women on a dating site, I probably would have not pursued her because I wouldn't have that initial attraction. Secondly, the reverse may be true of a girl viewing my profile.

(Sadly, that women in question doesn't share my feelings

)

unreg999 · 08-07-2015 10:53am

It's definitely not all about looks! Even with online dating & even then it's not about size either!
I was dating online for many years before I met my partner of 4 years now online!
I was and am a larger lady & was always very honest about it... I respect that different people have different preferences! I always had PLENTY of attention, went on lots of dates & had a few shorter relationships too before meeting my partner!
Initially people are maybe attracted to looks, but even that is hugely objective... I am large but I am also confident, kind, funny, strong, intelligent, loving & a good listener (amongst other things)... All of which I believe are also attractive qualities! And I think these things also shine through both in pictures & life...it's that sparkle in the eye, the way you hold eye contact, your posture, the crinkle around your mouth, the toss if your head, your quirky dress sense etc etc... So much more than just size, symmetry & colour!!
Work on yourself op: your confidence, self- worth, self image etc and you will attract the right mate, not just based on your looks but on the whole wonderful package that is you!
Good luck

Guys-Is everything about looks?

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