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Moving in with Girlfriend

  • 01-07-2015 11:40am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    My girlfriend of 2 years is putting alot of pressure on me to move in with her and to be honest I dont want to, I'm quite independent and love my own and space and doing my own thing when I want, I feel very bad about this and I know when I tell her how I feel it will be the end of things, anyone been in the same situtation?


Comments

  • #2
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    I think it really depends on the person.

    My OH and I lived together for almost 2 years but this year we decided to live separately. At first, I was a little taken aback and annoyed by the situation but honest to God, it's the best thing ever. I don't know what we are going to do going down the road because for financial reasons we'll probably have to live together in the future but I really think we'll end up aiming to live apart but close again in the distant future.

    So, as I say, it depends on the person and you guys haven't even tried it yet so I don't know. Be honest, and see what happens. She'll either accept it or not.


  • #3
    Meathlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    Where do you see the relationship going OP? What age are you and your girlfriend?

    Is moving in the next natural step for both of you. I don't see why you can't be independent and do your own thing while living together as long as you have the necessary expectations laid out.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    We're both 32, In my mind i'm not sure where the relationship is going and in her mind its marriage and kids time which has kinda frightened the life out me as i'm not sure its what I want. Marriage is so dated in my opinion with separation and divorce rates these days

    Society says at 32 i should be settling down but its not resting easy with me so I realise I need to have a big chat which will break her heart and is killing me.


  • #5
    iusedtoknow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,698 ✭✭✭iusedtoknow


    movingin wrote: »
    We're both 32, In my mind i'm not sure where the relationship is going and in her mind its marriage and kids time which has kinda frightened the life out me as i'm not sure its what I want. Marriage is so dated in my opinion with separation and divorce rates these days

    Society says at 32 i should be settling down but its not resting easy with me so I realise I need to have a big chat which will break her heart and is killing me.

    Well if she's 32, time is running out if she wants to have children. If you don't want that, put the woman out of her misery and break up with her. It is only fair to her and to you.


  • #6
    DeltaWhite
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    As isuedtoknow said - 100% agree.

    Clock is ticking for her. Not for you though. You are definitely going to have to decide what to do here. Not saying you're stringing her along but have you both never even mentioned what you want in the future? Or were you both just kind of going with the flow?

    Never mind society, sure society is telling me at 28 years of age I should be settling down having kids now instead of my 30's! Decide what you want, then tell her the truth. That's your best option here dude.


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  • #7
    Vikinki
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Vikinki


    Hi, I think you just need to talk to her and be brutally honest in what you are feeling as you don't want to live together, marry her, or have kids together. It's a lot of typical goals most couples aim for, so you need to tell her this and let her decide what's next.


  • #8
    Meathlass
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    movingin wrote: »
    We're both 32, In my mind i'm not sure where the relationship is going and in her mind its marriage and kids time which has kinda frightened the life out me as i'm not sure its what I want. Marriage is so dated in my opinion with separation and divorce rates these days

    Society says at 32 i should be settling down but its not resting easy with me so I realise I need to have a big chat which will break her heart and is killing me.

    I was 32 when I was 3 years into a relationship and like your girlfriend I wanted kids, marriage, commitment. The first step was moving in. When that didn't happen we split up, we were on totally different pages.

    For what it's worth I believe when you meet the right person you will want to settle down. You just haven't met her yet.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Meathlass wrote: »
    I was 32 when I was 3 years into a relationship and like your girlfriend I wanted kids, marriage, commitment. The first step was moving in. When that didn't happen we split up, we were on totally different pages.

    For what it's worth I believe when you meet the right person you will want to settle down. You just haven't met her yet.


    Thanks, its racking my brain that I dont want this, she's a great girl but I do realise that this should just come natural to me, when she mentioned she wanted to get married a few months ago my mind went into overdrive and since then I felt immense pressure, I'll probably look in a few years and with alot of regret but then again maybe not, life's a biatch


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Your both 32 and you have been in a relationship for the past 2 years. You know your girlfriend wants marriage and children but your not sure if you want this.

    The truth is that you may regreat this at a later date but that is the chance your taking.
    From what you told us I don't think your ready for marraige and children yet. Don't move in with your girlfriend to keep her in your life when you know you she wants marriage and children when you have no interest in this. It is not fair to let her waste any more time with you.
    You need to tell her now that you don't want to get married or have children and end things with her. Let her move on with her life and let her find a man who wants the same as her.


  • #11
    mapaca
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    Have an honest conversation with her and lay your cards on the table. If the two of you want different things then she needs to know that. You will hurt her more if you go along with moving in together when your heart isn't really in it.


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  • #12
    Vikinki
    Registered Users Posts: 8 ✭Vikinki


    As a guy who just got dumped, and would love all the things in life your GF wants, just be honest. That life she wants ain't for all, but it's everything to some.


  • #13
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    If you knew she wanted that - marriage, living together, kids...and you don't...why in gods name did you get into a relationship with her, and a 2 year serious one at that?? I just don't get how so many people can be so blasé and thoughtless with another persons future..she's invested 2 years thinking that's where the relationship was headed, which is where most relationships at this stage (early 30's) is expected to go.

    Fair enough, you don't feel the same way - now's the time to say that and let her move on. Do it as soon as possible, otherwise you're wasting her time


  • #14
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,366 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    rcarroll wrote: »
    If you knew she wanted that - marriage, living together, kids...and you don't...why in gods name did you get into a relationship with her, and a 2 year serious one at that?? I just don't get how so many people can be so blasé and thoughtless with another persons future..she's invested 2 years thinking that's where the relationship was headed, which is where most relationships at this stage (early 30's) is expected to go.

    Fair enough, you don't feel the same way - now's the time to say that and let her move on. Do it as soon as possible, otherwise you're wasting her time


    He never said when he found out she wanted that. You can't assume your partner wants the same thing without talking about it and many people wouldn't consider having that talk for a long time.


  • #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    rcarroll wrote: »
    If you knew she wanted that - marriage, living together, kids...and you don't...why in gods name did you get into a relationship with her, and a 2 year serious one at that?? I just don't get how so many people can be so blasé and thoughtless with another persons future..she's invested 2 years thinking that's where the relationship was headed, which is where most relationships at this stage (early 30's) is expected to go.

    Fair enough, you don't feel the same way - now's the time to say that and let her move on. Do it as soon as possible, otherwise you're wasting her time

    To be honest its only recently she's talked about marriage and kids and its only now i'm realizing i don't think its for me, that might change in a few years time but aren't I right to say these things to her now as opposed to moving in, proposing, getting married only to separate in a few years time? I'm sure this is something that happens all too frequent nowadays.

    So the fact we're talking about moving in has my mind racing as shes now waiting on me to propose, I realize if its something i wanted I wouldn't hesitate moving in and proposing in a few months time. I'm going to have a good chat with her over the weekend about it and I'm very down about the fact that this will be end(wouldn't it be nice to early twenties again)


  • #16
    Carlos Orange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,499 ✭✭✭Carlos Orange


    rcarroll wrote: »
    I just don't get how so many people can be so blasé and thoughtless with another persons future..she's invested 2 years thinking that's where the relationship was headed, which is where most relationships at this stage (early 30's) is expected to go.

    People should talk about where relationships are going instead of assuming. If she has spent 2 years with a mental map of 2015 arrange marriage , 2016 get married , 2017 first kid without actually discussing anything with him it is hardly his fault. Couples need to talk about stuff and decide what is best for each of them and for them as a couple.


  • #17
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    psinno wrote: »
    People should talk about where relationships are going instead of assuming. If she has spent 2 years with a mental map of 2015 arrange marriage , 2016 get married , 2017 first kid without actually discussing anything with him it is hardly his fault. Couples need to talk about stuff and decide what is best for each of them and for them as a couple.

    She obviously did, a few months back, when she was with the OP roughly a year and a half. Should she have blurted out in the first week that she wanted to be married and pregnant in the next two years?? Of course not! Maybe she wanted to take some time to get to know him and decide if he is what SHE wants. OP clearly has NOT put her straight when she brought up what she wanted from the relationship, so naturally she thinks he is on board!


  • #18
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,366 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    ShaShaBear wrote: »
    She obviously did, a few months back, when she was with the OP roughly a year and a half. Should she have blurted out in the first week that she wanted to be married and pregnant in the next two years?? Of course not! Maybe she wanted to take some time to get to know him and decide if he is what SHE wants. OP clearly has NOT put her straight when she brought up what she wanted from the relationship, so naturally she thinks he is on board!

    Even if he did say yes he could still change his mind. It sounds like he wasn't sure and now thinks he's not ready. Two years would be too soon for many people to make such a big decision.


  • #19
    Carlos Orange
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,499 ✭✭✭Carlos Orange


    ShaShaBear wrote: »
    She obviously did, a few months back, when she was with the OP roughly a year and a half. Should she have blurted out in the first week that she wanted to be married and pregnant in the next two years?? Of course not! Maybe she wanted to take some time to get to know him and decide if he is what SHE wants. OP clearly has NOT put her straight when she brought up what she wanted from the relationship, so naturally she thinks he is on board!

    I think people saying "she's invested 2 years thinking that's where the relationship was headed" is a little unfair when there was no mention of kids until a couple of months ago. The OP is just taking some time to make the decision instead of being pressured into something he doesn't want. As long as he hasn't made any full throated commitments I don't see anything wrong with that. These kind of decisions should be made after proper reflection. Not infinite reflection just proper.


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