Slippery Slope

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 12:27am #1

Hello.

I've recently come into a dilemma with my girlfriend, and I could use the advice of boardies, albeit if it's not what I want to here.

So lately I feel my and my girlfriend have been going downhill a lot. More arguing than normal, feel like she doesn't make the effort. Or I get fitted around her schedule after she makes plans.

A few weeks ago she was meant to be going to a leaving party in work, but it kept getting cancelled. I had bought us 2 tickets to The Script as I know she loves them, and I had them for a long time. But her work party was on that night... We ended up leaving the gig at 10:00pm as she couldn't get a lift afterwards, I explained to her there was ways around this but she wasn't having any of it.

I was pretty p!ssed off to be honest, not because of the money(well maybe a little) but I did a really nice gesture and felt it wasn't appreciated. So argument happend over that. Then next weekend out with her other friends.

This has all really came out of no where, she felt that she didn't have friends before etc. I said that's no problem but make time for me and compromise etc etc. I've never met any of her work friends, and one of them is texting her quite more than I think is appropriate(Maybe the wrong word to use)

Basically they text on a regular basis as 'friends'. But tbh I've plenty of girl mates and wouldn't be texting them casually through out the day and at 12-1 at night.

So that leads to more arguments. She's out with work again this weekend and I got pretty ticked off because I feel every weekend is out with somebody else and I get worked around it. When really it should be the other way around, I feel she's constantly on her phone when out with me yet I barely get replies when shes not with me.

I've asked her plenty of times to get of her phone but alas, nothing. The Irony of that is, before I used to be always on my phone and she brought it up etc and I changed my ways.

So after the argument today I told her 'I wanted 2 days or so of not speaking, as I feel no matter what I say in the argument it's going in one ear and out the other.I felt sick of feeling like I was 2nd to everything and everyone else'

In every argument if we have she says she sees where I'm coming from and if she was in my position she wouldn't be happy, yet continues to do the same thing. Which is probably the most annoying, as it just leads the argument to go around in circles, we'd sort it out for a while and than that guy would text her and it all kicks off again.

Would appreciate any help.

Merkin · 01-07-2015 6:21am

I'd be sitting down with her and asking her outright if she wants to be with you anymore. It doesn't sound like her heart is in it at all but perhaps she doesn't have the courage to instigate a breakup. In any event, she doesn't sound all that considerate or respectful towards you so I'd be jumping ship if things didn't improve drastically.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 2:13pm

Thanks for the reply Merkins.

I think that's the case to. That a break up is envitable. Our Sex life has barely existed much recently until I brought it up etc and even then still not as much as it used to be. We have a holiday booked in 2 weeks. I sometimes feel that's the only reason we are together

ManOfMystery · 01-07-2015 2:51pm

Holidays are often seen as make or break things, but in my experience I've found that going away together when there's underlying problems just makes the whole thing a miserable experience. Better to have a talk asap and then you can either cancel the holiday or continue, depending on the outcome.

It really does sound like her heart isn't in it anymore unfortunately, but she's just not been honest about it yet. Her behaviour is certainly out of line and taking you for granted.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 5:22pm

I told her I felt she was taking me for granted, as she even said herself I'd always be there. Which I found totally unfair.

The holiday is a big holiday and not just 2 of us, more of a family thing with 11 or people going. So under the circumstances it's not ideal.

What do people think of a work friend texting her most days? I believe they're just friends, but surely I have every reason to dislike it? I don't even talk to most of my mates everyday yet this guy seems to be texting my girlfriend quite frequently. Considering he also has a girlfriend I'd wonder what she would say on the matter.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 8:27pm

No it's not appropriate he is texting her all the time. I think you're being a bit in denial. You're probably thinking there mustn't be anything to it because she's being so blatant about it. I'm afraid this probably isn't the case. This is a new friendship, its not like a life long male friend she had before yous met and you are sure there is nothing going on. She is totally taking you for granted you need to stand up to her and let her know that you won't always be there and put up with anything.
I'm ashamed to say this is exactly the scenario that happened to me with my ex. I felt bored in the relationship and developed a crush on a work mate, texted all the time, I literally didnt care enough for my boyfriend I was caught up in the excitement of this guy who was interested in me that I had loads in common with. I told myself it was ok but knew deep down it was wrong. I thought it was a phase but then I realised I wasnt even bothered fixing things with my ex. I didnt want sex with him at all. Looking back if he had of not put up with any of it I would of worked harder on the relationship so as not to lose him. Now maybe im wrong here but id bet she is interested in this guy. Don't be naive. Stand up for yourself, I would advise breaking up with her. she's having her cake and eating it right now.

LegacyUser · 01-07-2015 10:03pm

My feeling is that she is happy to have your in her life until she finds out how the land lies with her "male friend" who is texting her. She is being blatant about the texting between the 2 of them. Why do they need to text each out when your out with her at night?
The night you went to the script why did she have to leave at 10.00 when you had worked out how she could get home later? If she liked the script she should have been willing to go to the whole concert and enjoyed the night like the other people there.

My feeling is that when she met you she may not have had a lot of friends. She friendly with this guy in work and as a result she has made more friends in work.
The truth is that if you want to be in a relationship you need to spend time with your other half. You can't expect the other person to be there for you when your leaving them home alone most weekends or when they always feel like there 2nd best always.

I agree with the other posts here that you need to stand up for yourself. If she wants a relationship with you she needs to make an effort. She is making no effort with you at the moment. At this stage I would have a chat with her and tell her what you have noticed. Ask her stright out is she happy with the relationship you both have at the moment?
She may tell you she wants to end it but it is better that you know where you stand. She needs to realise that your not waiting around for her to see what happens with her "male friend".

LegacyUser · 02-07-2015 4:11am

Hi,

Thanks for the reply all. I spoke to my girlfriend tonight despite saying we wouldn't speak. Her argument for the holiday is that ' If she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't want to go on holiday with me'

In regards to the friend texting her from work.

Do I really have a say in the matter? Just because it's a male can I really say that I don't want you's texting? If it was female I would have no issue with it. Unless of course she was on her phone consistantly while we where out texting someone I'd be like gtf off your phone.

Do i really have an argument there? This guy has a GF, they claim to be friends, should I not trust that?

She told me before that she wouldn't not text him because I said, I think that's because I told her before I wouldn't not talk to my girl mates that she didn't like simply because she didn't like them. I never spoke to them every day or even once a week, but this seems to be her argument. I find it funny, that she told me he texts her every thursday because he gets a half day in work saying 'enjoy work' or something a long those lines.

To me I find this really strange, I can understand once or twice as a bit of work 'slagging/banter' but everytime?

I'm lost here.

smokie72 · 03-07-2015 4:33pm

Sounds like the relationship is dead to me but she doesn't have the guts to tell you. Maybe she's waiting for you to break up with her so it would make her the victim and you the bad boy. Some people are like that. Do yourself a favour and walk away with your head held high. Sounds like a bit of a head wrecker to me.

Augme · 03-07-2015 6:09pm

Just dump her. She won't change her ways by the sounds of it and your head is wrecked already. The relationship sounds far to stressful and not enjoyable, which is what relationships should be.

desbrook · 03-07-2015 6:20pm

Augme wrote: »

Just dump her. She won't change her ways by the sounds of it and your head is wrecked already. The relationship sounds far to stressful and not enjoyable, which is what relationships should be.

Exactly. What we think of her behaviour is actually irrelevant - it's how it makes you feel that counts. The answer is it makes you feel lousy and unloved and that shouldn't be.Nothing we say will or should change that. Forget what she says and think of what she does - likewise she won't change, not with you anyway. Take charge and finish it. Suit yourself the way she does .

mangotracy · 07-07-2015 1:08am

I guess you are looking to see if this is generally considered 'off' behaviour?

It does sound in the 'grey area' - it's not awful - but it's not great either. Like other posters - it doesn't matter it's making you feel that you are not appreciated or that it isn't fun anymore.

Some people think it's fine to text someone of the opposite sex regularly but in my experience it is the sign of some who is immature about relationship. Occasional fine. Every day? No. Doesn't matter if its not leading anywhere. It's another barrier and you don't need it.

Magicmatilda · 08-07-2015 2:19pm

Actions speak louder than words. never mind what she is saying - look at what she is doing.

Re the texting, let me put it this way. If my partner had a problem with me texting a guy everyday and if he told me it upset him then chances are that I would stop doing it. Purely because I do not want to upset someone I love. Now obviously if its a control thing that is different but ultimately we do not want to upset those we love. She doesn't seem bothered upsetting you? I assume she knows it upsets you? You have told her?

Seperately if my partner started texting a girl from work everyday - I would have an issue. Rightly or wrongly I would. it is excessive in my opinion.

As for the holiday is it her family or yours? I would be inclined to either go alone or let her go alone depending.

LegacyUser · 27-07-2015 1:13am

You guys were right. She was cheating on me.

Wompa1 · 27-07-2015 8:52am

SlippySloppy wrote: »

You guys were right. She was cheating on me.

Sorry to hear that. I hope you're ok, fella. I know how that is. It hurts like a motherf*cker! You're better off without her. Going off what was said in this thread..I'm imagine she told you as you were having your breakup talk. Sorry!

CaraMay · 27-07-2015 9:30am

SlippySloppy wrote: »

You guys were right. She was cheating on me.

Shame on her. Lucky for you you found out now and not in 5 years time with 3 kids. They are welcome to each other. You will find someone nice and this girl will just be a blip.

beauf · 27-07-2015 9:52am

Sorry mate. When its right it won't be hard work like that.

LegacyUser · 27-07-2015 2:13pm

Anyone got any advice on what to do? I've had a sick feeling in my stomach for a few days. Barely eaten, time seems to be going so slow. Feel like my life has crumbled around me.

I feel she made me out to be psychotic for the way I was thinking before and deep down she knew I was right.

CaraMay · 27-07-2015 6:03pm

SlippySloppy wrote: »

.
I feel she made me out to be psychotic for the way I was thinking before and deep down she knew I was right.

And why would you want to go out with someone who does this to you? Get busy - gym, friends, internet dating.

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship

charlietheminxx · 27-07-2015 7:05pm

SlippySloppy wrote: »

Anyone got any advice on what to do? I've had a sick feeling in my stomach for a few days. Barely eaten, time seems to be going so slow. Feel like my life has crumbled around me.

I feel she made me out to be psychotic for the way I was thinking before and deep down she knew I was right.

I read this and it reminded me so much of my worst breakup. The relationship absolutely destroyed my self confidence, he had me convinced I was jealous and paranoid and needed to seek counselling.... While he had been cheating on me for most of our 2 and a half year relationship. There's nothing I can say to you to make it better, but please know you're not alone.

That break up was absolutely the making of me. I rebuilt my confidence, surrounded myself with good friends, lost a size of weight (felt so unattractive for the last phase of our relationship that it had piled on). I basically gave myself an overhaul, inside and out.

The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest. You'll probably have nightmare and broken sleep and eating will make you feel like choking. You'll wait to talk to them out of habit. You'll feel like she made a fool out of you. You'll miss the in jokes nobody else gets. You need to have good friends around you who won't mind you having a rant during this time.

It'll get much easier, you'll realise that what happened wasn't your fault, that you went all in and while it hurts, you know you gave it your best. You'll stop missing her. You'll stop scrutinising over the details of her cheating. You'll feel a weight lifting off your shoulders. You won't sit at home stressed over what your girlfriend might be up to anymore. The relief of that will surprise you.

Chin up. You found out before you were tied down to her. You are free of a lying, manipulative cheater. Make some plans for the future, give yourself stuff to look forward to, try to let go of the anger and the hurt, it's only yourself you poison with it. Go forth and embrace being free and single, with nobody to answer to. Trusting someone again won't be easy but when the time and person is right, you will.

Sorry for the long post OP but I really really felt it all over again reading your post, it was exactly how I felt at the time (nearly 7 years ago now). I wish you all the best for a bright and happy future!

Wompa1 · 27-07-2015 7:31pm

SlippySloppy wrote: »

Anyone got any advice on what to do? I've had a sick feeling in my stomach for a few days. Barely eaten, time seems to be going so slow. Feel like my life has crumbled around me.

I feel she made me out to be psychotic for the way I was thinking before and deep down she knew I was right.

I can relay what I went through but it's probably a bit different for everybody. Maybe reading my story might at least let you know, you're not completely alone..some of us have been there too.

I didn't eat for something like 6 days. Not even a bite of food and lost about 12lbs in the process. It was really tough, I had to travel for work and showed up at a customer site looking pale. My work colleague made a comment about me looking hungover and to get a good nights sleep. The actual work days are a blur..I was the walking dead. It was awful.

I would literally curl up in a ball on my couch or bed and cry like I've never cried before of since.

I thought over everything just over and over to the point that I obsessed about it. I think it's impossible not too. For me, she asked for a break for some alone time, she said it wasn't to explore, it was just to gather her thoughts and focus on what she wants long term...but in reality she had asked for the break to try out a relationship with a person she cheated on me with at least twice during our relationship. (I didn't know this until we broke up..it's strange, I never met this person and it was another woman, not a man..I saw one photo of the two of them at a work event and I just knew...I could see it in her eyes..that made me feel really uncomfortable)

I thought about all I did for her to support her through her difficult times. How I helped her sister and her mother. How much I invested of myself. How I went through so much pain and insecurity during the relationship because of how she made me feel but I loved her so much I tried to deny to myself what my gut was telling me. She was cheating on me, she didn't really love me.

When she admitted to me what she did. A friend of her called her on her mobile....I asked why he called because all she said when she answered was "it's ok and I'll talk to you later" and that's all...She asked him to call her incase something happened to her....I got so upset by that. Somehow in all of this she was painting herself as the victim. I got her stuff and threw it out my door. She screamed that she now saw me for the guy I am and that I'm abusive (never put a hand on her ever. Was always supportive of everything she wanted...that was just her insane way of making herself the victim)

I travelled a lot for work that year so had a lot of time alone. I would obsess more and more about the pain I was feeling and thinking through everything and how could she...I decided to get revenge. I knew something she had done which was very unethical at work and was going to tell...Unfortunately, I enabled and helped her, I didn't do it knowingly but knew after the fact so felt some guilt as well as knew I could hurt her. In the end, I stopped myself and didn't go through with it. This was months after we broke up.

Honestly it was over 5 years ago and I still think about her sometimes. I think because it's the worst heartbreak I have ever suffered. 2 years after the breakup, I started to think about it and her less and less. After 3 years. When I did think about her, I no longer even felt anger...I didn't feel anything.

Now at this point. I do think about her sometimes but just in the context of what I learned from that and every bad thing about her and that relationship that I never want in any relationship I have again.

I'm now engaged to get married to a lady that does not make feel insecure or jealous in any way. She's had a work colleague who was trying to get very close. She confided in me and I never even worried about it. That's how I know I'm now with the right person. An actual partner rather than a self indulgent c*nt.

It's a cliché but time is the only thing that can help. One thing I did after cutting ties with her was to focus on my job. I'm not career oriented at all but throwing myself into my job resulted in huge success for me. I'm now in the top 15 of what I do in the entire world. Internationally recognized. It feels really good..it's also something I would not have been able to achieve when obsessing over what some girl thought of me and how I needed to do things to make sure she's happy.

It's way too painful to take comfort in this right now BUT this is a great opportunity for you. Don't obsess about not being with someone and how to find someone new or having to play the singles game. Think about what it is you can do now without any guilt. (Not hook ups) But..hey do you want to hop in the car and go travel around Ireland for a week...go for it. No guilt if you get talking to a nice lady in a pub. No need to factor in what she wants. Do everything that makes you happy. Nuts to her!

P.S Don't try to hurt her back. As tough as it is, don't even contact her. When I think in hindsight. The greatest pain you could cause somebody like that, that thinks they've hurt you is to not show them your hurt. Never contact her again. Have nothing to do with her.

Chin up, buddy! If you need people to talk to. We're here for you!

Neyite · 27-07-2015 11:39pm

SlippySloppy wrote: »

Anyone got any advice on what to do? I've had a sick feeling in my stomach for a few days. Barely eaten, time seems to be going so slow. Feel like my life has crumbled around me.

I feel she made me out to be psychotic for the way I was thinking before and deep down she knew I was right.

Yep, I've been there too. I was painted as the crazy one. I couldnt eat, was in bits etc.

It gets better. So much better.

But right now you are reeling. When your appetite is like that, take stuff that is easy to eat - soups, smoothies, healthy shakes, whatever is easy to neck down without needing much of an appetite. Go easy on the booze, just purely to avoid drunk-dialling, but also because it can get you stuck in a bit of a rut. Go out and enjoy yourself, but do it with wingmen who will grab your phone if you are tempted to ring her, or the kind of people who will have your back should you run into her. You might be tempted to tell her stuff and get it off your chest what you are thinking - get a journal and write it in that. Down the line you can have a ceremonial burning if you like, just dont tell her.

What I did to make things easier was to focus on doing things that I could never do in that relationship - I signed up to night classes for a hobby, he never liked spicy stuff so when I did get my appetite back, I cooked loads of spicy things. I wore stuff I liked but he hated. It will get easier, I promise. And in a few months time, you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in her.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2015 12:27am

Hi all, I appreciate all the time it took for the replies. I have a bit of time now as I was trying to keep busy.

Basically she kissed this guy months ago and said nothing would happen(I didn't know until the other day) yet within the last 2 months they started getting a bit closer. So Pics were sent. They kissed on nights out and met up for drives.

She claims to never had sex with him or any more.

The fact our sex life was stale for the last month or so, including pics or whatever is really a killer more. She said she felt guilty thats why she wasn't really up for sex etc.

In regards the pics, I also found out over the last near 3 years, when I thought she was pleasing herself to pics/chats it wasn't the case, she just did it for my sake, this was quite hurtful as well.

We met today to discuss the events, and I had a list of questions etc etc. She claims that she want's to try make things work, yet made plans to go out at the weekend.I basically said that's fine you can go out but you wont hear from me ever again. Simply because I find the audacity of doing that after everything etc etc was ridiculous.

Regards,

Slippy.

Wompa1 · 28-07-2015 10:57pm

SlippySloppy wrote: »

Hi all, I appreciate all the time it took for the replies. I have a bit of time now as I was trying to keep busy.

Basically she kissed this guy months ago and said nothing would happen(I didn't know until the other day) yet within the last 2 months they started getting a bit closer. So Pics were sent. They kissed on nights out and met up for drives.

She claims to never had sex with him or any more.

The fact our sex life was stale for the last month or so, including pics or whatever is really a killer more. She said she felt guilty thats why she wasn't really up for sex etc.

In regards the pics, I also found out over the last near 3 years, when I thought she was pleasing herself to pics/chats it wasn't the case, she just did it for my sake, this was quite hurtful as well.

We met today to discuss the events, and I had a list of questions etc etc. She claims that she want's to try make things work, yet made plans to go out at the weekend.I basically said that's fine you can go out but you wont hear from me ever again. Simply because I find the audacity of doing that after everything etc etc was ridiculous.

Regards,

Slippy.

Good man, stick to your guns. That is pretty audacious...it's like you finding out is just a temporary pain point or inconvenience. It sounds like she wants to be in a relationship with you because of something you bring to her life but wants to get off with other people to get her rocks off because she's not getting something else from you.

I'd say let her off. You'll find somebody else that will appreciate you and somebody that is a lot less work to be with.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2015 11:43pm

You did the right thing. As with many people on here, I've come through a tough breakup and all the more better for it. I ended things with my ex on my birthday because the night before he was meant to meet me and my friends for my birthday , he went out with his friends instead and got angry at me for wanting him where I was. I stupidly went to his to spend the night but the next day (my birthday) went out with his mates again. It took me months to get over it but I did, and you will get over it too. Take each day at a time. Focus on yourself, whether it's a new hobby, new clothes or whatever. this has no reflection on you, just what type of person she is.

You soundlike a lovely guy and you will meet someone one day who gives you all the respect you need.

Slippery Slope

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