Bloody bored of dating

Augme wrote: »

The qualities you listed about yourself are miles down the list of things I'd consider important about a partner. Most are in fact irrelevant. Being attract, smart, well-educated and having a good job tell me nothing about what you are like as a person or what you are like to spend time with. Now I know your post isn't a dating profile but the fact you list those qualities makes me think you deem them as very important. If these are the qualities you deem important then do you spend a lot of time talking about them or looking for them in other people?

Attractive - well, that’s a non-negotiable. I’ve done the “but he’s a really nice guy!” thing and ultimately the only person I was fooling was myself. You need this as a foundation to pursue anything with anyone, I don’t care what anyone says. I guess the key thing is attractive to YOU. My cup of tea isn’t necessarily everyone else’s, and vice versa. But yes, I need to want to get freaky with them.

Good job, educated, smart - relatively important. I guess it’s a ‘wave length’ thing. My friends and the people I spend time with aren’t all lawyers and doctors and rocket scientists, but they’re people with brains and ambitions, interesting opinions and views on the world. That would be important to me.

Honestly, above all else I’d just like a best mate I want to go to bed with. Someone kind and honest and loyal - tough traits to find in my experience. I meet so many time wasters, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve used online dating as a main avenue, but I find so many guys you meet that way just have this ‘next!’ mentality, or are looking for one thing, or are totally commitment-phobe and bolt the second you expect more from them than a random text on a boring sunday

I know I probably sound bitter and angry and high maintenance, I’m actually one of the friendliest, chattiest and laidback people you’ll meet. I get on with pretty much everyone, I have a good way with people in a general sense. When I was a bit younger I wore my heart on my sleeve a bit more, got my hopes dashed and was left disappointed a few times maybe and that’s made me feel jaded in the way that I do.

I know dating is supposed to be fun , and I’ve had fun over the years , I don't think I've ever had a bad date. We laugh, joke, flirt, poke fun at things. But nothing comes of it. And I'm all for having the craic, but as I veer into my 30s, I want more from life than a bottle of wine and a giggle and maybe a random shag with some anonymous bloke from the internet on a Friday night. I’d like someone to come home to. Someone to hang out with, someone to build a life with.

It seems to happen pretty easily around me. Or at least - people seem to have coupled up, or at least racked up a few relationships by this stage. And I haven’t. And the common denominator is obviously me. But I’m not entirely sure why, given that I have no facial deformities or diagnosable mental or psychological issues as it were

As to what's the rush - well, there's no real rush in the sense that I'm not working to any five year plan here or anything. I'm not sure I want marriage and babies, but it's hard to know about those things when you haven't even managed to call someone your boyfriend at the grand aul age of 30! I'd just like something meaningful, that;s all. I would like to meet someone and I can't pretend that I wouldn't. I've no trouble attracting men, I'd get checked out and complimented and chatted up as much as any woman who's relatively decent looking. It's progressing things beyond the realms of 'I've been on a few dates with this guy' that seems to be my hurdle. My mental block, my continuous failure, I don't know what you'd call it. My Waterloo! Aren't I a barrel of laughs...

Hi, thanks for all the advice. I found myself nodding along to most of it.

To answer a few -

Hobby wise no, not a lot going on. I’ve been the ‘career girl’ for most of my twenties and have been a bit bad socially over the years, which I’m sure has not helped my cause. I exercise quite a lot, currently training for an event, but tend to be that sole exerciser doing laps on a treadmill or running outside or whatever. I suppose I could join a running group or hiking group or something like that. I could also make more of an effort socially, with my friend and that - I work a lot, and very varied, very relentless hours. So it’s hard to coordinate that with any kind of a normal social life. I suppose it explains the investment in the online thing over the years.

I actually already live abroad, so this isn’t a ‘stuck in a rut in Ireland’ thing! Incidentally my love life was virtually nonexistent in Ireland, I found when I lived there there was no dating culture to speak of and I barely ever got approached outside of your usual drunken lout in a pub situation. I’ve also lived in a few countries at this stage, so maybe that change of social circle and change of surroundings might have contributed. I have a tendency to be a bit of a loner as a result. A great people person, but I can spend a lot of time on my own and tend to be very independent and sort of ‘used’ to doing things by myself. ‘Too single’ is what I think sometimes.

I wonder if all of that is coming across in my body language and maybe that’s making guys think I’m not available or not interested or not into dating them? I can be very flirty, but also very flighty too and I don’t let myself get my hopes up about guys these days as the disappointment when something just doesn't get off the ground gets tiresome. Maybe that reluctance to get too involved early on means there's not the usual momentum that builds when you're dating someone and things go nowhere.

ick. I dunno. I definitely think that I maybe need to get offline and invest more in my actual life. And drop the 'tough girl' act. Maybe that's the answer.

Try not to get too disheartened, OP. It's not so much a matter of meeting the right person, as much as meeting the right person at the right time- for you and for them.
A lot of guys your age are simply playing the field, & will continue to do so for another 5-10 years before settling down. Have you considered dating someone older, who has "sown their wild oats"& is looking for the same things as you?

I'd have to agree with the above poster. I see very upfront flirty girls and I can see it puts men off, I personally wouldn't begin any flirtation til I had grown close enough and comfortable enough and felt i kind of fancied the person enough to steer the interactions in that way and if I thought the guy might like me, but would still be subtle about it. This might sound old fashioned, but I wouldn't even like a guy all flirty with me right away I would just think he's like that with everyone, and wouldn't know if he genuinely liked me.
It might be coming across you are overly focused on finding someone. The girls that have trouble actually staying single are those who just don't care either way. It's like you are waiting for anyone to stick around. Well anyone who you find attractive. Just anyone at this stage so that you are in a relationship. Ok you may say that's not true but that's the vibe men will pick up when they're out with you, that you've done all this so many times, talk about what you do, they talk about what they do bleh bleh etc god it sounds exhausting! People will say be yourself, like you shouldnt change anything but has it been working? The women I know of that are always chased, never have trouble meeting someone all have this vibe when they go on a first date or when they just meet anyone really; they are friendly and open, but also seem a little detached, a little mysterious, quietly confident and who seems to be always busy and have something else going on, but more than that there's something that's different, that stands out. You may tick all the boxes but what is going to make someone stick around? It's like an x factor, something that stands out among all the average traits that make one a normal average person. Whether its a quirky sense of humour, a talent, a stunning smile or eyes that light up when speaking of something they're passionate about. what is the thing about you that marks you out? Find what you love about you and your life first, focus on that and then you will draw people to you rather than you looking for someone! When you come across as lookin for someone it puts too much pressure on that person, they just want to have fun and see what happens, and potentially be a bonus to your already great life, and you won't need them in order to be happy too!