heartbroken

keavebm wrote: »

Confront him.thats no way to be treated.u have done nothing wrong and shouldn't be feeling the way u are.

Thanks for the reply I know you are right. I just need the courage to have the conversation as I know as soon as it's started the relationship is over. He was my best friend and I'm scared to loose him but I know friends don't do that to others so I know it has to happen. We are together a long time. That's why I stayed but if he's cheated he's obviously in his mind agrees it's over

Colser wrote: »

Hi OP...I can totally relate to your predicament and this may sound harsh but what possible explanation can he give that will make you feel any better and why did he not discuss this at the time?
I hate to say this but you know that you are right and my guess is that he will turn it all around on you...he will tell you that its all in your head ect. and make you doubt yourself .If he didnt own up straight away I doubt that he will admit it now. he will just hope that you will let it go eventually.
I could be all wrong but that was my experience of something similar and its a total headwrck...the bottom line is that even if he admitted it what would you do..it will always be at the back of your mind.

I just want the truth no matter how good or bad it may be I can then base my decision on that. He claims it was a porn app but wouldn't show me or tell me the name so I could re create what I saw. To me it was a text message but I have never seen one with pics that are of a camera as if it has expired or you need to do something to open. I know what you mean in relation to saying it is in my head as he tried that before he said it was a porn app. Now it's like it's been brushed under the carpet.

I haven't posted in a few days as you can imagine I am licking my wounds. You boardsies have been a great help to even just know strangers care in a funny way. For the sake of my son only the people we have to tell know as he is in his teenage years and is embarrassed by it all so boards was the perfect way to talk but remain anonymous.

On Monday after finding out of course I kicked him out. He has not gone to be with her and claims he has no interest in her. After a few days I have calmly listened to both sides of their story in the interest of trying to salvage a friendship with him as we were together for 20 years. We were also best friends for that time too.

Both stories have similarities but also discrepancies. From what I have gathered about 2 and a half years ago he sent her a friend request on Facebook. At the time we were renovating our house and still living in it. She says she was going through a rough time with her husband and he listened. It got flirty more than likely suggestive about 9 months in. She said he asked to meet for coffee but he says at that stage he was damned for his flirting and she asked to meet and he felt that he had to. They met up with no kissing/ sex.

They continued contact and met up a few times like this. It then ramped up to sexting and stuff where she says there was no pressure but he says there was constant threats tto tell me and her husband. She is married with three kids. About a year ago it became sexual with him confirming that he supplied the condoms but he maintains under the fear of me finding out and she says no pressure. They had sex about six or seven times throughout the year the last time about 8 weeks ago. He said it got to the stage that he was telling her what she wanted to hear and that if he didn't reply to texts within 15 minutes the threat to tell was made. Again she says there was no pressure and only threatened this once.

I am not proud but I did make sure her husband found out on the day I found out and she had told him a different story. I had to tell him it was sexual she hadn't when she said she had told him everything. She says she wants nothing more to do with my ex but he showed me his phone and she has sent texts saying to answer his phone ect or her husband will be meeting him after work. This she admitted she sent in anger but has neglected to tell me which I have seen on phone logs she is calling him from a private number which he is not answering she also now calls me from a private number as I asked if she thought of anything else to ring me.

She did call yesterday to say she couldn't think of anything else and did ask did I have him back in the house which I don't. I also told her I had a sti test on Wednesday and got a text yesterday to say my results were normal.

He is begging me to take him back and is offering to go to councilling give up his smart phone and go back to a cheap Nokia where I would have full access to phone computer ect. He has also offered to take a sti test every 3 months. He maintains she is telling me some truth but twisting it to suit herself.

I can't even consider taking him back at the moment and to be honest I don't think I ever can as I don't think I could be intimate with him again. I want to be his friend but at the mo that's very hard but I also miss the friendship very much. Our son loves him so much I can't not allow him to call and see him as the way I look at it he should not be made to pay for the sins of the father. We do talk things through also when he visits and we try not to shout as it gets us no where.

Is this normal to be like this? I'm justifying it by saying we are doing it for our son but are we also doing it to inadvertently spend time in each others company? I don't want it to be a worming his way back in situation but I miss his friendship and in a weird way wish to spend time with him but not have him live here and nothing sexual. I can see he misses me and his life here but is it me he wants? I do think ( I may be a fool to think it) he didn't love her as both have nothing to lose and there is nothing stopping them being together now and he has said with pure venom because of the threats and torment she put her through he'd kill her. Is this an act or crocodile tears I don't know. The important thing is his relationship with his son and we are going to have to still be able to be in a room together for his sake. I just can't see the point of going for each others throats for 6 months being bitter and then having to be an adult and have to behave like a responsible adult anyway. Am I being a fool?

mangotracy wrote: »

It is normal to miss him and have mixed feelings. However, if I were you - now that you've got as much information as you can I'd stand back completely for a good long while - weeks and months. Have minimal contact with him - arrange when he sees his son and tell him that you are spending time to recover.

I was in a position where I took my partner back too quickly - and the same things came up again and again - give yourself time. You don't have to make any decisions. Just stay away from him as much as you can.

Thanks for your view. It is helpful to hear from someone who has been in a position where they had to deal with should I shouldn't I take him back and I think you are right. I am not in the frame of mind to make that decision and stepping away until I am is the right thing to do no matter how long it takes. Who knows in three months time I might just say I can't do this. If I think I can then start councilling. At the moment it's too raw and important decisions like that cannot be made. Time to see what life holds for me and my son first.

I think my last post was during a low moment and I was yearning for what we had. It may be grief in a way. The best I can hope for in time is hope for a friendship but I know I must take some time.

I am now saying to myself tonight I feel better than the night I found out so people are right I will feel happy again in time whether it is starting again on my own or starting again with him.