Husband perpharated my eardrum with a punch..

The Governor · 20-10-2014 8:52pm

Shrap wrote: »

Something else that becomes apparent when you take back any measure of control over your own life from somebody like that, is that the partner (usually) starts to feel responsible for their well-being.

Now I'm not a professional I'm just going by what I've been told by one (his sister indecently) but a lot of these abusers are actually terrified of being alone hence the need for trying to control and make you feel like you need them. In fact I know a similar situation where the father was just verbal abuse and they moved out and he was left alone for a few months and got his act together fairly sharpish. Some like my dad and I'd wager the OP's lad though are just stubborn and arrogant bastids who will lay the blame at everyone elses door rather than thinking hang on, I have a few people against me maybe it IS me. They prefer to play the victim, oh poor me look what they are doing to me. They are so set in their mindset nothing will change it, even if their own family and friends wash their hands of 'em.

In regards to your comments to me, thanks very much, I put up with it for years and mam is one of those I must get it sorted its not going on any longer, but never did until the Gardai, his own sisters and myself and the sis gave her the bit of strength. Just hoping to get the sister a safety order now too, if anything it will strengthen our case if he tries anything. Even if we could leave financially, what really kills me is its a farm and house that have been passed down for generations and it kills me to think of all my ancestors that broke their back trying to make a good life for their family and hoping to pass it down through the ages, even as a part time thing if needed to bring in some extra money. That literally a couple hundred years of back breaking work and hardness could be ended by one scumbag, I know for a fact his parents would disown if they were still here. It's what they call the farm mindset.

Even lads that would be friendly with him has said they would make him leave and not give him the satisfaction. I worry so much if the 3 of us go and me and the sis ever get our own places my mam will be struggling with money, I even had a dream I found her frozen in a sitting room chair in some dingy flat

I just don't get why a scumbag like that should be the one to have his comfort.

In the OP's case she has the view its just a house, so please God she can always claim for her half if needed. The first thing is sorting out a way of leaving financially and then getting on.

Shrap · 20-10-2014 9:22pm

The Governor wrote: »

Even if we could leave financially, what really kills me is its a farm and house that have been passed down for generations and it kills me to think of all my ancestors that broke their back trying to make a good life for their family and hoping to pass it down through the ages, even as a part time thing if needed to bring in some extra money. That literally a couple hundred years of back breaking work and hardness could be ended by one scumbag, I know for a fact his parents would disown if they were still here. It's what they call the farm mindset.

The farm isn't the only legacy Governor. If his parents would disown the situation if they were still here, perhaps it's because your father grew up in unforgiving circumstances too, and his legacy is fighting for control over his life (and family) because of how little control he may have had over his home life as a child. I see that as a legacy in my family passed directly from my home life with my ex to our youngest son (who is in therapy and has needed an SNA in school for the last 4 yrs). Unfortunately, you don't pick these issues up off the ground.

Even lads that would be friendly with him has said they would make him leave and not give him the satisfaction. I worry so much if the 3 of us go and me and the sis ever get our own places my mam will be struggling with money, I even had a dream I found her frozen in a sitting room chair in some dingy flat I just don't get why a scumbag like that should be the one to have his comfort.

You had an anxiety dream about not being able to look after your mother. That didn't come from nowhere Governer, but don't forget it's not real life. If your Mum and your Sis and you moved out into a house, maybe she'd find her independence as attractive as you and your Sis are looking forward to. She will not freeze with your warmth and care to help, she may blossom into a fuller, happier life.

In the OP's case she has the view its just a house, so please God she can always claim for her half if needed. The first thing is sorting out a way of leaving financially and then getting on.

It is just a house, and so is your farm just some land with long memories of it (I live on one too) - a sense of place is really no more important to a farmer than to someone grown up in the Liberties or Ballymun.

I don't want to be getting off topic but I don't think this is, as your experience is one of a child growing up in similar circumstances to the OP's home life. If anything could encourage her to leave sooner than later, it's that your Mum is still there putting up with it, and so are you. And still struggling with a way out.

Mind yourself Gov.

The Governor · 20-10-2014 10:02pm

Cheers Shrap. Hopefully it works out for the OP (and the rest of us :P )

OP if there's anything else I can advise or whatever on thread just ask.

LegacyUser · 20-10-2014 11:06pm

Tears in my eyes with gratitude from the amazing posts, support and advice and you all have no idea how you have helped me and my mood about everything the past few days. Governor my god it's hell, you have been through so much, can't believe since I posted that there are many in the same situation as me and understand what I am going through. I have taken the bigger person approach for peace sake at the moment, just getting on with things while I figure out what I am going to do. As I said, the house doesn't matter, peace of mind and happiness far more important, half of it's mine anyway but it means nothing to me it's not a real family home.
He has taken the poor me, playing the victim approach and trying to make me feel as I am the one who did wrong and I refuse to engage or get annoyed or upset. I need my head clear.
I am afraid of one thing though, I tend to relent alot have done so many times and let things be normal for the kids sake and my sanity, we always get on well once I am doing what he wants and play along. I can't let it slip this time. And yes eventhough I am labelled a freeloader by him, I do everything in the house and with the kids, he just lies on the bed when he is here does nothing to help or give me a break, oh and everyone of his "friends" wives/girlfriends work apparently....I am the only sponger. He seems to forget I went back to work after maternity leave on all 3 of my kids and a few months back in after no. 3 is came clear it wasn't working out for the kids and I was shattered and missing them. It cost ridiculous money aswell so I am no lazy person and he has no right to lie and compare me to these people...who I don't even know!.

LegacyUser · 21-10-2014 2:55pm

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say that should not be trying to explain yourself with regards to his accusations. It is clear from what you are have told us that he is manipulating you and saying exactly what he knows will hurt you most. It seems like you are taking them to heart and trying to justify your situation with regards to work, etc. to yourself and us. Please don't and please try not to let his comments hurt you. One of many unfortunate side effects from living with such a worthless excuse of a man like that for so long is that he knows exactly what to say to get under your skin. It sounds like he has had plenty of practice.

Also you do not know what people think of what he is saying to them about you. A guy I know, is constantly giving out about his wife and how worthless she is etc. I wouldn't be friendly with him but a few neighbours are and most of them see through his bull****. He literally says how much of a "bitch" she is. Well many of the comments I hear are along the lines of "the poor woman". I think the only reason they are friendly to him is that it is a family estate where most people know each other for years and they want to keep the peace. Don't assume that people believe your husbands crap.

I really think you should get a barring order or at least move out. He has hit you, mentally abused you, and the situation is certainly damaging your children no matter how much you try to shield them from it. Believe me, these thing stay with children well into their adult lives. They deserve a happy home and so do you. You also deserve a man who will love you and treat you with care and respect. There are plenty of them out there who will. Good look OP, my thoughts are with you.

DoYouEvenLift · 21-10-2014 10:33pm

I'd be setting up one or two mini cams set to record the main areas he'd be in just for definitive proof should it happen again and upload it to a cloud storage account like dropbox so it's there as a precaution. It's awful that people go through treatment like this. Glad you're seeing through his sad attempts to emotionally manipulate you into feeling bad and staying strong.

Soilse · 21-10-2014 11:28pm

Op I feel from your previous post you are going to make another go of it. Really its none of your business what other people think of you here or in real life what matters is your kids and what you think of yourself. Just think do you really want to be there this christmas if you dont get out now you will continue to make every excuse not to move on with your life, car not working, waiting to get dole, kids in school etc.

You have been given great advice you should be listen pack your bags and leave. Why do even care what he says?
You and your kids deserve more than this life as it is and only you have the power to walk out.

rach25 · 22-10-2014 8:49am

Op please contact womens aid again. They can arrange an appointment for you with one of their outreach workers. If you cant get to any of their Dublin locations, they will come and meet you close to your home, in a cafe for example. They will work with you on a safety plan for you and your children. They also offer court accompanyment to apply for a barring order. To strenghten your case I would advise keeping any evidence you have, text messages, pictures of injuries and medical records etc, will all help, it can be difficult to obtain a barring order. A barring order will mean that your husband has to leave the home. Alternatively they can help you seek refuge for you and your children. In the mean time, please contact the Gardai if you are feel unsafe at any time.

Neyite · 22-10-2014 4:40pm

OP, you';; find a lot of relevant information here:

Its a UK site so some legal or support services might differ but other information posted on this site you might find helpful.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=0001000100080001&sectionTitle=The+Survivor%27s+Handbook

CollyFlower · 23-10-2014 3:52pm

I'm sorry to hear about your experience, if I was you I'd have him charged then apply for a barring order.. Why should you and your kids have to leave the home, that's just an awful lot of upheaval for you all, it would be so much easier for yourself and your kids to remain in the family home, moving home with 3 kids will just bring more stress and uncertainty for you all. It would be so much easier for him to get a place to stay in, if he cared for his children he would do the decent thing and leave... I wish you all the best.

Husband perpharated my eardrum with a punch..

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