Dating more than one woman at a time...

lg01 · 18-01-2011 8:58pm #1

Have you ever dated more than one woman at a time? I used to be toally rubbish with women but in recent times I really seem to have my mojo going, and right now I'm dating two different girls at the same time. They are both great, unbelieveabley differnt each of them, but I like them in differnt ways. Thing is, even though I enjoy going on dates with them, and spending time with them - I just don't think either of them are long term girlfriend material for me. Maybe harsh, but its true... I'm not afraid of a relationship its just that it has to be with the right girl. So does it automatically make me a bastard to want to see two differnt girls casually? I'm not an a$$hole I really do not want to hurt these girls. How can I politely tell them that its not going to get serious, and if that is not what they want then I'd rather let go now, but if they are happy, maybe we can just continue on an easygoing basis.. Has any of you guys done this before, and how did it go?

Otis Driftwood · 18-01-2011 9:23pm

Take the Michael Kelso approach and juggle them both til it blows up in your face.:pac:

Seriously though,if you keep seeing them both then you run the risk of one or both falling for you and one or both potentially getting hurt which you have said you want to avoid.If you tell them both you arent exclusive and wont be and they accept this then I personally dont see anything wrong with continuing to see both.It goes without saying if you are sleeping with both that you need to be doubley careful with hygeine and what not.

yizorselves · 18-01-2011 11:37pm

You may not think it now but it can be a lot of hassle. I've done it before, would like to say that I wont again but who knows. Had to be careful replying to the right girl in texts. I tried to have 3 on the go but that was just ridiculous, and all 3 fizzled out.

G86 · 19-01-2011 12:21am

If they both know what the story is then it's grand.

If they don't, an you're leading them on, then you need to wise up.

Up-n-atom! · 19-01-2011 12:25am

Jaysus, you're some man for 1 man, yizorselves too! Best to be upfront with them methinks, although they might not be okay with it...

Bloody Nipples · 19-01-2011 12:30am

If they're looking for something with longterm potential then stringing them along looking to get your hole (I assume) is a little harsh in my opinion.

Though if they're just looking for something casual that's cool but it gives rise to the mine field of stuff like do you tell them about each other?

LandoCalrissian · 19-01-2011 11:16am

No need to tell them about each other

But once you make sure they both know that your intentions are purely casual then you're laughin'

iptba · 19-01-2011 10:22pm

Not saying it's the same thing but in some places e.g. New York (maybe the whole of the US??), dating generally involves the other person knowing you might be seeing more than one person, until you both decide to go exclusive. It seems a better system to allow people experience more people till they find the one. I wonder what it would take for this to become more the norm in Ireland?

However dating two people not knowing if either is "the one" is a bit different from dating two people where you think neither is a long-term prospect.

G86 · 20-01-2011 10:36am

iptba wrote: »

Not saying it's the same thing but in some places e.g. New York (maybe the whole of the US??), dating generally involves the other person knowing you might be seeing more than one person, until you both decide to go exclusive. It seems a better system to allow people experience more people till they find the one. I wonder what it would take for this to become more the norm in Ireland?

However dating two people not knowing if either is "the one" is a bit different from dating two people where you think neither is a long-term prospect.

This is done in Ireland too, but people just don't label it. If the relationship is casual then I don't see the problem with seeing more than one person at a time, as long as both parties know what the story is. I've done it before, e.g. you meet someone in the pub one weekend and arrange to meet them a week later, but in the meantime you're also in touch with someone you met the weekend before that. Sometimes you get overlaps like that, and that's grand - because the relationship isn't serious, in fact I'd hardly label it a relationship - it's just dating! I'd draw the line at casual sexual relationships though, I wouldn't be happy seeing someone who was sleeping with someone else, that's a step too far imo.

However, I've also found that if you meet someone you're mad crazy about then you really have no desire to see or date anyone else, so the whole casual aspect doesn't even come into it.

20-01-2011 4:11pm

lg01 wrote: »

Have you ever dated more than one woman at a time?

So does it automatically make me a bastard to want to see two differnt girls casually?

I actually am now, but more than dating, we live together. Have been for quite a long time now. It is a fully committed relationship, now with a daughter, and it is all open, above board and honest.

Really at the end of the day it is not just your decision but theirs and you are with holding information from them. I would go with those on the thread saying that what you are doing is fine but you first need to let them know what the story is and what your intentions are.

It may be fun and games now but you do not want something blowing up in your face, and as someone already said it just takes a text sent to the wrong one, or calling out the wrong name in bed, before you get hit with the wrong end of it all.

Just be open and honest, and they will either decide to continue on or to back off before it gets serious. It is not really for you to decide to let them get serious and then ditch them when it will hurt them more.

You are not a "bastard" as you put it unless you are leading them on or being dishonest or witholding information they have a right to. You can date 100 girls if you did that. Then the decision to be with you anyway is theirs and you are doing nothing wrong.

PCPhoto · 20-01-2011 4:17pm

Deleted User wrote: »

I actually am now, but more than dating, we live together. Have been for quite a long time now. It is a fully committed relationship, now with a daughter, and it is all open, above board and honest.

Really at the end of the day it is not just your decision but theirs and you are with holding information from them. I would go with those on the thread saying that what you are doing is fine but you first need to let them know what the story is and what your intentions are.

It may be fun and games now but you do not want something blowing up in your face, and as someone already said it just takes a text sent to the wrong one, or calling out the wrong name in bed, before you get hit with the wrong end of it all.

Just be open and honest, and they will either decide to continue on or to back off before it gets serious. It is not really for you to decide to let them get serious and then ditch them when it will hurt them more.

You are not a "bastard" as you put it unless you are leading them on or being dishonest or witholding information they have a right to. You can date 100 girls if you did that. Then the decision to be with you anyway is theirs and you are doing nothing wrong.

isnt that more of an "Open" relationship .... where you are together ...but with the ability/consent to be with others. (generally more beneficial for a woman than a man as they can get sex easier)

its not far off from being swingers.

20-01-2011 4:27pm

PCPhoto wrote: »

isnt that more of an "Open" relationship .... where you are together ...but with the ability/consent to be with others. (generally more beneficial for a woman than a man as they can get sex easier)

its not far off from being swingers.

No there is nothing "open" about our relationship in the sense that if I cheated on them I would under go all the same issues as anyone in a couple would, I follow all the same rules most people in a couple do, and really aside from the number 3 instead of 2 there is not a whole lot different in our relationship compared to anyone elses. There is not, nor will there be, "other women".

Tar.Aldarion · 23-01-2011 4:42pm

No, I hate if more than one person likes me, it always feels bad then in the end!

An idea of an open relationship, even a closed-openrelationship like yours will never be fathomed by me heh

population · 23-01-2011 6:16pm

I have done it a few times when I was in my 20s and honestly it was just a disaster for everyone involved. It is not that I am a puritanical monogamist, but respect has to be paramount in any relationship and if you are lying to anyone about anything then you are building up to seriously hurting someone. I am married now and look back on that period of my life as a bit haphazard and detrimental to the feelings of people I cared deeply for.

--LOS-- · 23-01-2011 9:17pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

No, I hate if more than one person likes me, it always feels bad then in the end!

Trust you to interpret it like that!

Don't understand the need to date more than one person at a time, can you not just see someone for however long it takes for you to decide if you're that bothered or not and then move on. And definitely not if it's less innocent than the americans portray it to be.

Peanut2011 · 24-01-2011 3:05pm

One question first OP. How would you feel if they were seeing other man or two beside you??

To me the way you tell is, you are having fun and that is all you want, but they might not think that. You have to be sure they are well aware the relationship you have with them is casual and not exclusive at all.

If they are ok with that you have no problem, otherwise the pot will boil over at some stage!

lg01 · 25-01-2011 9:23pm

Thanks for the replies. Hmm, well the thing is I have not told them I'm dating someone else also. Really not sure how to bring it up - or if I'd even want to. It would only upset them and well really we've only been on a handful of dates so I'm not committed to them and so not 'cheating' or anything. As I said none of these girls are relationship materail for me, I'm keeping it casual.

Peanut, No I don't think I'd be that annoyed if I found out they were seeing someone else, would be pretty hypocrytical really.

Thing is, as fun as this is I'm not going to let it go on for much longer, I have to work out how to let them down gently... I'm not the type to just stop contact

CDfm · 26-01-2011 6:09pm

Once upon a time I dated three and I was totally exhausted.

Otis Driftwood · 26-01-2011 6:45pm

CDfm wrote: »

Once upon a time I dated three and I was totally exhausted.

Ya dirty divil ya.Yer not known as seedy for nothing it seems!:pac:

Galvasean · 26-01-2011 6:52pm

I struggle to keep one on the go, let alone two! would not be interested in dating more than one woman at a time.

CDfm · 27-01-2011 1:16am

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

Ya dirty divil ya.Yer not known as seedy for nothing it seems!:pac:

It totally snuck up on me. :pac:

The real thing about is you can't invest time in either to develop a relationship and if thats what you want OP you wont see it.

oicherider · 27-01-2011 1:36am

IMO

If you dont tell them your a Bastard for lying

If you do tell them and they are both happy with it - Chances are that they have issues and you are in effect a bastard for using them..

No woman happy about herself would be ok with the situ.. Again... IMO

CDfm · 27-01-2011 2:21am

oicherider wrote: »

IMO

If you dont tell them your a Bastard for lying

Actually, not so.

If to tell one about the other would cause unnecessary hurt then maybe it would not be right to fess up.

It depends on the girls understanding of the relationship.

No woman happy about herself would be ok with the situ.. Again... IMO

If the relationship is more than casual with either or if the expectation of one of the girls is that it will be more serious then you should consider ending it.

On the other hand, if the girls know it is casual and are doing the same thing themselves, then that type of barrier is realistic.

And as for no woman being happy - you can read in PI all the time about women being infaithful. So that is not really true.

seafood dunleavy · 27-01-2011 3:05am

I think its fine as long as both know its not a serious relationship.But yeah if I really liked a girl I wouldn't be interested in anyone else.

Tar.Aldarion · 27-01-2011 3:09am

seafood dunleavy wrote: »

I think its fine as long as both know its not a serious relationship.But yeah if I really liked a girl I wouldn't be interested in anyone else.

Ye i dont know how I could feel like that about 2 girls at once?! if anythign the like would be diluted i think

27-01-2011 12:41pm

Galvasean wrote: »

I struggle to keep one on the go, let alone two! would not be interested in dating more than one woman at a time.

Well as I said I live with two and actually in some ways 2 is not that much harder than 1. Its not like double the people double the trouble. Most of the hard parts of a relationship do not automatically scale 2:1 and in fact many hard parts become easier.

Thats not to argue that it is for everyone. Half my friends are jealous. The other half think I am mad and would never want to do anything of the sort themselves. Each to their own really.

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Ye i dont know how I could feel like that about 2 girls at once?! if anythign the like would be diluted i think

Not at all thankfully. The human capacity for love is one of the few limitless resources we seem to have. Do people who have a second child love the first any less? Do people with 1 sibling love them any less than people with 6?

Love does not dilute. It creates new instantiations for each target and they are rarely the same, and they rarely take away from each other.

Scanlas The 2nd · 27-01-2011 3:16pm

oicherider wrote: »

IMO

If you dont tell them your a Bastard for lying

If you do tell them and they are both happy with it - Chances are that they have issues and you are in effect a bastard for using them..

No woman happy about herself would be ok with the situ.. Again... IMO

I'm sure there are many women who are happy about themselves who would love to be in a situation like that with Michael Buble.

Tar.Aldarion · 27-01-2011 3:30pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Not at all thankfully. The human capacity for love is one of the few limitless resources we seem to have. Do people who have a second child love the first any less? Do people with 1 sibling love them any less than people with 6?

Love does not dilute. It creates new instantiations for each target and they are rarely the same, and they rarely take away from each other.

Dunno, that is comparing 3 completely different types of attachment and emotion that all just happen to be called by the same word.

Peanut2011 · 27-01-2011 4:29pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Well as I said I live with two and actually in some ways 2 is not that much harder than 1. Its not like double the people double the trouble. Most of the hard parts of a relationship do not automatically scale 2:1 and in fact many hard parts become easier.

Sorry Tax but I have to say your post is not quite helpful. In your case the happy 3 way union is mutually agreed where OP's in not.

If the two girls knew about it and had no problem, he would not be here asking for advice.

27-01-2011 5:08pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote: »

Dunno, that is comparing 3 completely different types of attachment and emotion that all just happen to be called by the same word.

Granted, but that is exactly my point in a way, you just are looking at it from the top down where I look from the bottom up.

What I mean by this is that every love one has is different, we happen to have one word for them all. It is rare, maybe even non-existent, for you to find anyone who loves anyone the “same way” as anyone else. Each love is always different.

So you are saying that love for a partner is different to love for a kid is different to love for a sibling is different to love for a parents is different to love for a pet. That is what I am saying too but I go into those categories and point out that also the love for each kid is different and the love for each sibling is different…for each parents, for each family member, for each pet.

… the only step I am adding is to say yes the love for each partner is different too.

And this is something we know already. When someone loses a loved one to break up, death or something else… they feel they will never love anyone the same way again. It is one of the most common phrases on the personal issues section of this forum for example. The truth is they are right.... they will never love anyone the "same way" again! However that does not mean they love anyone else ever again. They find someone else… and they love them just as strongly… but differently.

My small addition is just to say that if that can happen sequentially... there is no reason to think it can not happen in parallel too.

We are capable of loving numerous people at the same time, but in different ways. We never love any two people the same way. All I am saying is that, just like with siblings and children, it is perfectly possible to love 2 partners just as powerfully, but differently, at the same time. Love does not preclude other Love in my experience and I can tell you I do not even want to imagine my life without either of the girls I am with at this time.

Peanut2011 wrote: »

Sorry Tax but I have to say your post is not quite helpful. In your case the happy 3 way union is mutually agreed where OP's in not.

Exactly! Then my post is infact helpful because that was the exact same point I was making. Read the whole thread, specifically post #10, rather than just my most recent post to see that this is true.

PeakOutput · 27-01-2011 5:44pm

just be honest

you only really have to bring it up if it looks like one is looking for more commitment but you have to tell the truth if you are asked at any time

i find brutal honesty goes down well most of the time and if they have all the information then they can make their own decision and if that is to not hang out with you anymore you gotta live with that if its not then you can carry on guilt free

PeakOutput · 27-01-2011 5:48pm

oicherider wrote: »

IMO

If you dont tell them your a Bastard for lying

If you do tell them and they are both happy with it - Chances are that they have issues and you are in effect a bastard for using them..

No woman happy about herself would be ok with the situ.. Again... IMO

and it is my opinion that you are the one with the issues, whats to say they arent the one using the op?

women are big enough to make their own decisions and it dosnt mean they have issues one way or the other

im seeing someone right now but we both know we are free to hook up with other people if we like, i have a feeling that she probably wont and that i probably will at some stage. the reason for the arrangement? she is only in the country for 3/4months and neither of us want to try a long distance thing no matter how we feel at the end of it so it was a pretty easy discussion to have. does that mean she has some deep buried issue? no it means she is an adult and mature enough to deal with things like that.

HavingCrack · 27-01-2011 6:24pm

It depends on how you define 'dating' to be honest. Are you just 'seeing'
both these women? Or do they consider you to be their boyfriend?

Americans generally seem to be far more comfortable with dating lots of people at the same time and eventually choosing 'one' for a relationship if you get me.

Dating more than one woman at a time...

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