Would you be comfortable with your partner being the dominant one?

Count Duckula · 26-03-2011 12:23pm #1

I guess that since I'm talking about reversal of the traditional gender roles this question applies more to straight men than gay men, as those in same-sex relationships would have different societal pressures at play than the woman doing one thing and the man another.

My curiosity has been piqued by a number of things, from discussions with my friends and co-workers to other threads on this site, and I'm curious to hear a man's opinion. There are a few threads running in the Ladies' Lounge on similar topics but those are obviously mainly posted in by women and so I'm more interested in getting an opinion from the lads now, which I think would be better served in this forum.

Traditionally, the man has been the dominant partner in the relationship. He asks the woman out, he chooses the location, he pays for the first date. He leads the way in the relationship until such a time as he decides when to get married as it is the man's role to propose. A man has also often been the one to decide when the couple should start to have children (as can be seen by the incredibly strong social stigma of the woman deciding by "trapping" a man).

Is this right? I think most men nowadays would be happy enough to have a girl ask them out; pleased even. It's nice to be asked rather than do the asking, but it seems that a lot of men would still want to pay for the first date, and would feel very uncomfortable if they did not. Equally, many men seem to feel that proposing is still in their remit, and I know from my friends that they would be rather taken aback if their girlfriends proposed to them instead.

Taking it further, would the modern man be comfortable staying at home and raising the kids? Would he get envious watching his girlfriend / partner / wife going off and earning most of the money, forging ahead in her career and leaving him to do the cooking, the cleaning and the school run? Would he feel emasculated when he went down the pub and everyone knew him as the househusband?

I'm curious to see if attitudes have changed, and why this may or may not be the case.

yawha · 26-03-2011 1:43pm

I either wasn't brought up very traditionally, or it never stuck, because I'm pretty damn indifferent towards things like who asks who out, who pays for dates, who proposes to whom, who takes whose name, whose name is given to kids etc.

I don't really believe in "dominance" in a relationship either (outside of a sexual context, obviously

).

But I do know that many guys do consider these things important, for whatever reason...

One thing you've mentioned which I would not be happy doing is being a househusband. Now, I don't think my future wife should be a housewife, and it has absolutely, 100% nothing to do with feeling emasculated, but it's just not for me. To me personally, it seems like a completely and utterly mundane existence.

Although, I fúcking love cooking. If I didn't get to cook at least 50% of the time, I would be sad.

Galvasean · 26-03-2011 2:29pm

My line of work involves extended periods of time where I will be home during the week. So I suppose if I were in a relationship (kids and the whole shabang) witha high-flying career driven woman I see no reason why I couldn't potentially become the 'main' houseparent. I like kids, I enjoy cooking (well my brief forays into it anyway) and am anally-retentive enough to keep the place so why not?
When I say 'main' houseparent, I don't really like the whole 'one parent works while one is completely stay at home' system, despite being raised in one.

Bottle_of_Smoke · 26-03-2011 4:48pm

Traditionally, the man has been the dominant partner in the relationship. He asks the woman out, he chooses the location, he pays for the first date. He leads the way in the relationship until such a time as he decides when to get married as it is the man's role to propose. A man has also often been the one to decide when the couple should start to have children (as can be seen by the incredibly strong social stigma of the woman deciding by "trapping" a man).

Don't think this is the case at all anymore. Well aside from the marriage proposal, that is still predominantly done by men.

Kevin Duffy · 26-03-2011 5:37pm

Not sure you're describing dominance really. You seem to be talking about taking the inititaive in the early stages, rather than dominating. I may ask her out, suggest where we're going and what we're doing etc, but I'm not telling her or dominating her, I need her to agree and/or have an equal input for it to be successful. You can have some nod to traditional gender roles and be a gentleman, but that's not really dominance.

Later on in relationships where circumstances such as work opportunities, schedules or salaries dictate that choices be made about who stays at home, spends the most time with the kids or whatever, you either sack up, get with the programme and do what it takes to look after your family, or be a díck and insist on channeling Victorian values. That's not emasculating, that's being a proper husband and father.

Personally, if a woman likes me enough to ask me out or even to marry her - great, I'm there. If I have to ignore traditional gender roles to look after my family - great.

donfers · 26-03-2011 6:03pm

key problem is how some people want traditional gender roles to come into play in certain situations and not in others

amacachi · 26-03-2011 11:28pm

I hope I have kids with a chick with a better job than me so I can quit work and homeschool the kids.

gbee · 26-03-2011 11:34pm

In a relationship, one, the male will usually be dominant. But a good male will recognise the times when the females want to be and he will let her, without drawing attention to it.

Some of my best has been when my wife was dominant.

Mrmoe · 26-03-2011 11:56pm

I think some of the examples of domiance that you give to show female dominance would be small fry in the grand scheme of things. I think a lot of guys would not mind if a girl asked them out or decided where they are going for dinner, I know I wouldn't. I would even say that I would almost expect at least parity in these areas. However, some of the key decisions that might have to be taken in any relationship generally would have to be driven by one person and that would normally be the guy. I would say that I could be submissive but it wouldn't be in my nature.

James Jones · 27-03-2011 3:29pm

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Not sure you're describing dominance really

I agree with Kev. For example, proposing marriage is not being dominant but is simply taking the initiative in a rather submissive manner. The decision (yes or no) is taken by the person who is proposed to making the subject of a proposal (mostly the female) the dominant one.

pragmatic1 · 27-03-2011 7:21pm

Wouldnt be comfortable with my girlfriend being dominant or me being dominant either. Its a load of shyte. If you get on good you get on good, the end.

lezza · 27-03-2011 8:11pm

Count Duckula wrote: »

I guess that since I'm talking about reversal of the traditional gender roles this question applies more to straight men than gay men, as those in same-sex relationships would have different societal pressures at play than the woman doing one thing and the man another.

My curiosity has been piqued by a number of things, from discussions with my friends and co-workers to other threads on this site, and I'm curious to hear a man's opinion. There are a few threads running in the Ladies' Lounge on similar topics, but really that's not somewhere for us lads to go wading in with our opinions, partly because we're not really meant to and partly because those with more "traditional" views would likely get shouted down and banned within minutes.

Traditionally, the man has been the dominant partner in the relationship. He asks the woman out, he chooses the location, he pays for the first date. He leads the way in the relationship until such a time as he decides when to get married as it is the man's role to propose. A man has also often been the one to decide when the couple should start to have children (as can be seen by the incredibly strong social stigma of the woman deciding by "trapping" a man).

Is this right? I think most men nowadays would be happy enough to have a girl ask them out; pleased even. It's nice to be asked rather than do the asking, but it seems that a lot of men would still want to pay for the first date, and would feel very uncomfortable if they did not. Equally, many men seem to feel that proposing is still in their remit, and I know from my friends that they would be rather taken aback if their girlfriends proposed to them instead.

Taking it further, would the modern man be comfortable staying at home and raising the kids? Would he get envious watching his girlfriend / partner / wife going off and earning most of the money, forging ahead in her career and leaving him to do the cooking, the cleaning and the school run? Would he feel emasculated when he went down the pub and everyone knew him as the househusband?

I'm curious to see if attitudes have changed, and why this may or may not be the case.

ah well no

Otis Driftwood · 27-03-2011 8:39pm

Count Duckula,if you have an issue with moderation of another forum then start a help desk thread,thanks,OD.

strobe · 27-03-2011 8:57pm

Wouldn't be comfortable with either me or my partner being 'the dominant one'. The fact that someone would think in terms of a dominant and submissive partner doesn't suggest a lot of respect in the relationship and I wouldn't be able to be with someone I didn't respect or that didn't respect me.

Count Duckula · 27-03-2011 9:21pm

Otis Driftwood wrote: »

Count Duckula,if you have an issue with moderation of another forum then start a help desk thread,thanks,OD.

Holy crap! I have no issue whatsoever with the moderation of tLL, I just didn't think they'd want a load of hairy lads wandering into their forum!

I started this thread to get things from a decidedly male point of view, as the other threads by their very location will be skewed towards a woman's opinions. This was spurred just as much from conversations with people in real life then anything else.

Personally, and on topic, I would be depressed to be in a relationship where one partner was expected to do something purely because of their gender. In my particular circumstances it was my girlfriend who asked me out and then again it was her who suggested that we take things a bit further. On the other hand, it was me who kissed her first, and neither of us can even remember who suggested we move in together to the other one - it's as if we both just realised it was the correct course of action!

However, I've plenty of rational, reasonable and sane male friends who would be aghast if they were not the ones to propose. This leads me to believe that thinking that men have certain roles and women others is not the domain of latent sexists and those living in decades past, but that there are plenty of normal and sensible men and women out there who, for one reason or another, hold opinions different to those I've otherwise heard expressed.

I'm merely just trying to get a handle on both how prevalent these differing opinions are, and whether they affect how one is viewed in terms of their larger social position.

Otis Driftwood · 27-03-2011 10:06pm

tLL,like all forums on Boards are welcoming once the charter is abided by and the ethos of the forum is upheld,your OP just comes across as being a bit harsh on tLL mods.Anywho,no harm done!

Count Duckula · 27-03-2011 10:38pm

Ah sorry about that, I'll give it a quick edit. I genuinely don't mean to be - it's wonderfully moderated (like this forum

).

metrovelvet · 27-03-2011 10:50pm

Female interloper.

My brother has a theory that once a man loses the perceived dominance in the relationship or marriage things are downhill from there because the woman wont fancy him anymore and there goes the sex life.

Women I have spoken to about marriage say that the key is letting him think he's the boss even though he isn't the boss.

strobe · 27-03-2011 11:15pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

Female interloper.

My brother has a theory that once a man loses the perceived dominance in the relationship or marriage things are downhill from there because the woman wont fancy him anymore and there goes the sex life.

Women I have spoken to about marriage say that the key is letting him think he's the boss even though he isn't the boss.

Jaysus.......

Maybe your consorts are just more honest than mine but that sounds like a mad way for adults to behave. I thought most people left that kind of silly mind game playing behind once they were out of their teens.

donfers · 27-03-2011 11:49pm

relationships ideally should not require a boss or dominant one, it's two people who should treat each other as equals, it's not a parent/offspring or employer/employee situation and when people enter relationships with preconceived notions of wanting to dominate/be dominated it is often a symptomn of them having had damaged relationships in the past

In Spain the idea of feisty Latin ballbreaker wife is so culturally ingrained that it is reflected by language with the term "calzonato", meaning sole of the shoe meaning the woman dominates or walks all over the quietly suffering guy, they also have an incredibly high rate of domestic abuse

we ain't so bad really, in my experience the only time this "dominance" factor comes into play is over whose turn is it to do the dishes or who should have control of the remote - if this is the extent of dominance issues in your relationship then I think you're doing just fine*

*as long as you stress you keep the remote control and your partner does the dishes

folan · 28-03-2011 8:16am

No. I would not be comfortable with my partner being the dominant one. Just as she would not be comfortable with me being the dominant one. Its a partnership.

Scanlas The 2nd · 28-03-2011 8:29am

folan wrote: »

No. I would not be comfortable with my partner being the dominant one. Just as she would not be comfortable with me being the dominant one. Its a partnership.

One of you is more dominant than the other and you just don't realise it. It is very unlikely that any two people interacting are exactly equally dominant in the interaction. One person leads more than the other.

Scanlas The 2nd · 28-03-2011 8:35am

metrovelvet wrote: »

Female interloper.

My brother has a theory that once a man loses the perceived dominance in the relationship or marriage things are downhill from there because the woman wont fancy him anymore and there goes the sex life.

Women I have spoken to about marriage say that the key is letting him think he's the boss even though he isn't the boss.

That's hardly going to help the sex life though. If the woman doesn't really feel his dominance she won't fancy him in a sexual way and both lose out with a poor sex life. These women should just find men who are really dominant in the first place and they won't have to pretend he is dominant.

Galvasean · 28-03-2011 1:18pm

I think the use of the word 'dominant' in this thread is throwing the discussion off a little bit. The assumption that the 'bread winner' is automatically the dominant one.

Morag · 28-03-2011 2:18pm

I think you are confusing 'active' and 'passive' with dominant and submissive.

Elle Collins · 28-03-2011 4:53pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

My brother has a theory that once a man loses the perceived dominance in the relationship or marriage things are downhill from there because the woman wont fancy him anymore and there goes the sex life.

That's a very bizzare attitude your brother has. I certainly hope it's not widespread among males. :eek:

metrovelvet · 28-03-2011 8:54pm

Elle Collins wrote: »

That's a very bizzare attitude your brother has. I certainly hope it's not widespread among males. :eek:

I dont think it is. There are plenty out there looking for mommies to contradict that theory.

I saw a woman slice up her husbands pizza once into bite sized pieces. I dont know how she could possibly be attracted to him after that. That and a few readings of PI make me never want to get married.

Daisy M · 28-03-2011 10:02pm

metrovelvet wrote: »

I dont think it is. There are plenty out there looking for mommies to contradict that theory.

I saw a woman slice up her husbands pizza once into bite sized pieces. I dont know how she could possibly be attracted to him after that. That and a few readings of PI make me never want to get married.

I can see where your coming from, but lets play devils advocate he could have had a disability that was invisible to the observer but was there all the same and prevented him from been able to do this himself. Last week I met a man who looked the picture of health was relatively young but was a recovering stroke victim who had difficulty speaking and signing the form I was handing over to him.
As for the issues in PI, especially in the relationship forum, you need to bear in mind that many of the problems there are from people whos relationships are in real trouble or some of the posters are in a dysfunctional relationship and cant see it, these issues really dont give a very clear overview of how marriage and relationships work on an everyday basis all we get to hear about are the problem times, it can get quiet disheartening.

Up-n-atom! · 31-03-2011 11:33pm

Slightly off-topic, a Scandanavian friend was over recently and asked what the general view here in Ireland was of the 'househusband' or child-minding man. According to her, this topic came up with French friends of hers (male) and they were totally disgusted by it, seen it as completely emasculating and not the done thing at all. I was really surprised by this as I assumed France is a pretty liberal country.

Anyhew, this could just be anecdotal rather than the full picture of things over there, but it got me thinking that things are fairly ok over here in that respect - I know plenty of men who have adapted to situations where their other halves were earning more or when they (the men) had stay at home and look after the kids while the women work (either by choice or through unemployment). All this 'dominant' partner stuff really depends on the couple involved and what they are like seperately and their dynamic together. There seems to be quite a lot of variation in this country in this respect.

Logical Fallacy · 31-03-2011 11:36pm

At the moment my girlfriend is the dominant one. She has a job , i don't. I'm not in a position to work as i am trying to overcome some health issues so she wins the bread, i cook it.

Can't say i have any issue with it beyond the fact that i feel bad she is paying the bills but thats about it.

Liberal Irishman · 13-10-2011 10:08pm

Would you be comfortable with your partner being the dominant one?

Whatever turns us both on is alright with me! I can be submissive!

Daftendirekt · 14-10-2011 4:46pm

I think it's a little too black and white to see things in terms of dominant/submissive (unless we're discussing kinky sex here :pac:) roles in a relationship or even just active/passive roles. I agree with the other posters who said a relationship should be a partnership.

Each person will have their strengths and weaknesses, and a person's role in a relationship should be built on this. Gender shouldn't really be a factor. If a woman wants to propose, then she shouldn't be prevented from doing so by the fact that it isn't the 'done thing'. If a husband wants to stay home and let his wife focus on her career, and it makes financial sense, then there's no reason why that shouldn't be the case.

People should live their lives and interact with each other however they see fit. It's time we moved on from dictating to people what they 'should' be doing based on nothing more than what they've got between their legs.

nicowa · 15-10-2011 11:16am

metrovelvet wrote: »

Female interloper.

My brother has a theory that once a man loses the perceived dominance in the relationship or marriage things are downhill from there because the woman wont fancy him anymore and there goes the sex life.

Women I have spoken to about marriage say that the key is letting him think he's the boss even though he isn't the boss.

I know a lot of women who "joke" about that kind of "letting him think he's the boss" attitude. But they are also the women who would not be happy in a relationship if the man wasn't stepping up and engaging in the relationship.

By that I mean having an active role in deciding the fate of the relationship, from little things, like deciding what to have for dinner to the bigger things like deciding when to move in together.

If a guy (or girl) moved into a passive state of letting the other partner make all the decisions then it doesn't matter who stays at home and who works because the person making all the decisions (unless they're a control freak who prefers it that way and then we're moving into the PI section of boards) is going to feel like the other person isn't interested anymore.

That's when there's problems.

As to the idea of the man being the breadwinner - again I think it's more the personality of the guy (and girl) and how he feels he would be perceived on the whole by society (and his friends) that decides that. I know my fella would be happy to be the househusband and would love the idea of homeschooling the kids but he really doesn't have the patience for it and would miss working (playing with numbers... doesn't correlate to working with kids... )

While my mum wasn't working for much of my childhood she was never the active stay-at-home mom either. Dad was the one who got us up for school and made sure we had our lunches. So I guess I'm slightly indifferent to the idea.

Would you be comfortable with your partner being the dominant one?

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