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Bragging about attention...

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  • 28-08-2014 9:49am
    #1
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭


    My fiance and i rarely get put together as we cant afford a babysitter and to go out but I have always been happy for him to go out with his friends whenever he wants. Last night he went to the local while i stayed home as usual, this was fine but when he got home he started bragging about how these two girls kept giving him attention and how all the lads there were fighting for their attention bit couldnt get it. They were talking most of the night and the girls were singing and asking what he thought.
    He was so upbeat talking about his night and although im not an overly jealous person this made me feel like crap. They were " lovely looking" which upsetme because the last time he said anything positive about me to me was over a year ago.
    I just feel soo crap and had to get it all out so sorry for going on so much, i dont even know if it makes sense!!


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    #2
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    I've experienced this, I never got to the bottom of it for sure but I always guessed it was because he wasn't getting enough attention from me.

    He felt unappreciated.

    You mention that he hasn't said anything nice about you in a long time. Have the two of you fallen into a comfortable trap where you don't compliment each other and take each other for granted?

    Maybe you should sit down and talk about the positives in your relationship. See if he is feeling a little bit unappreciated.

    You say he is your fiance so you are planning to get married. Do you want this kind of relationship for the rest of your life?


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Lola18 wrote: »
    i dont even know if it makes sense!!

    It makes perfect sense. He was at best insensitive going on about his night out, but I suspect it wouldn't have had the same impact on you if your social lives were a bit more balanced. Is he amenable to the two of you coming up with an arrangement that gets you out a bit more even if it means he has to stay home once in a while? No reason you should sacrifice your social life in favour of his and no reason you should suffer in silence about it either.


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    #4
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Hi OP,

    it might seem like a strange way of looking at the situation, but in my experience, a guy or girl that comes home to their partner and brags like that is generally insecure about themselves and their attractiveness to other people, and are also looking for validation - bragging in order to stir things up a little and get some kind of validation about how their partner really feels about them.

    That becomes a problem when someone like your partner pushes it too far - he seems so blinded by the high he got from that attention that he doesn't see how hurtful his words can come across to you, and rightly so. I wouldn't worry about him running off with someone else anytime soon, if that's any consolation. But I do think that you should sit him down and let him know that him coming in from the pub talking about other girls makes you feel like crap, and that he doesn't need to do it - he already has a girl at home that thinks the world of him.


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    #5
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    Thanks for your reply, i think i probably do need to talk to him about it.
    I suppose i'm feeling like I put alot of the effort in, whether its complimenting him or saying i love you or even giving him a kiss or cuddle, its 99% of the time me giving or asking for kisses/hugs.
    It seems a little silly but i just want to feel like he still really does want to be with me!
    Yeah, we are planning on getting married, at the minute this is really not how i want it to be but i love him to bits.


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    #6
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    mike_ie wrote: »
    Hi OP,

    it might seem like a strange way of looking at the situation, but in my experience, a guy or girl that comes home to their partner and brags like that is generally insecure about themselves and their attractiveness to other people, and are also looking for validation - bragging in order to stir things up a little and get some kind of validation about how their partner really feels about them.

    That becomes a problem when someone like your partner pushes it too far - he seems so blinded by the high he got from that attention that he doesn't see how hurtful his words can come across to you, and rightly so. I wouldn't worry about him running off with someone else anytime soon, if that's any consolation. But I do think that you should sit him down and let him know that him coming in from the pub talking about other girls makes you feel like crap, and that he doesn't need to do it - he already has a girl at home that thinks the world of him.

    Thanks, i have mentioned it to him before that it sometimes hurts a little. Im glad that he can come home and be honest with me. I suppose in a way its jealousy in that itd be nice to hear him talking about me like that (silly i know).
    He does reassure me that its me he comes home to when i tell him it hurts. I suppose we probably need to have a chat and make more time for us that isnt all about bills and crap tv heh.


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    #7
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,767 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You know your relationship better than anyone, but the impression I get is that he was flattered. Really flattered that others found him attractive. We'd all feel the same!

    He said all the other fellas were vying for their attention but not getting it? Maybe your bf was getting the attention because he wasn't trying like the other lads? Maybe the girls were relaxed and comfortable in your bf's company because he was relaxed and wasn't trying it on with them. Sometimes people just want to go out and enjoy their night without ending up with someone at the end of the night. It sounds like the girls were enjoying themselves. Not really interested in being with anyone and that is why they ignored the try-hards and just had a nice night in the company of your bf. The compliments were probably in contrast to the fellas who were continually trying it on, even though the girls were making it obvious they weren't interested.

    Your bf was flattered. But he came home and told you. He didn't hide it and arrange to meet them next week. Would you think it was better if he got attention but told you nothing? I'd be more worried if that was the case. If he posted here saying he was out at the weekend, got loads of attention & compliments and wasn't going to tell his fiancée.

    Have a chat about how you are feeling. We all get a bit down about ourselves at times, and need reassurance from our partners. Tell him you are feeling a little bit sorry for yourself and would like to feel that he finds you attractive etc.. and see how he reacts to that.


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    #8
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Lola18 wrote: »
    I suppose i'm feeling like I put alot of the effort in, whether its complimenting him or saying i love you or even giving him a kiss or cuddle, its 99% of the time me giving or asking for kisses/hugs.

    How about sex, if it's not too personal a question?

    Generalisations here but...

    ... kisses and cuddles and compliments are all very nice and appreciated, but for a lot of guys (not all obviously), it's the effort their girlfriend/fiance/wife puts in, or not, in relation to sex (as well as being and remaining sexy, making and effort to dress nice for them etc), that will make them feel appreciated or not or themselves or the relationship being taken for granted for not.


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    #9
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    Sorry, had a reply typed the other day and lost it!
    Its not too personal no, in relation to sex we both make the effort, it often feels that thats all hes bothered about making the effort with which is probably why i find it upsetting at times aswell (is that all he wants me for) again its silly really.
    Finding it a little hard to talk to him too because he takes everything badly! Then turns it all around and its all my fault then like! Ugh


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    #10
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Surely if you can afford to go out you can afford a babysitter?!? Go out less but together....


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    #11
    cletus van damme
    Closed Accounts Posts: 960 ✭✭✭cletus van damme


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Surely if you can afford to go out you can afford a babysitter?!? Go out less but together....

    this.


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    #12
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    I really think you will start to regret it if you get into the situation where you stay home all the time and he goes out without you. That's good for neither of you. You will get paranoid and worried about what he is up to, and feel left out.


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    #13
    stmol32
    Registered Users Posts: 718 ✭✭✭stmol32


    Hi OP,
    I hope I'm not too out of line here but if this was a one off then could it just be simply that he was flattered by attention he perceived he was getting as it wouldn't happen very often.

    Add that to the fact that he may have had a few drinks on him when he told you so his internal censor wasn't working so he didn't realise he was being a bit insensitive in telling you.

    Have you mentioned this to him after the night in question. You can probably gauge how big or small an issue this was by talking to him.

    I do think that it's perfectly usual for someone in a stable relationship to be flattered by positive feedback from a member of the opposite sex, we're only human.


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    #14
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Surely if you can afford to go out you can afford a babysitter?!? Go out less but together....

    Ok,costs him 30 to go on his own. At least 60 for both of us plus and extra 50 babysitting, no i cant aford it. Dont matter any way he called it off so go assume all yas like


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    #15
    kjl
    Registered Users Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    I wouldn't be to worried about this, a friend of mine is married and occasionally gets attention from women when we are out, but the only reason they give him this attention is because he talks to them about his wife, ergo not threatening etc.

    I reckon he was just a bit chuffed that he could prove himself in front of the lads. It's nice to feel wanted.

    As for the other this where he hasn't said anything nice to you, well this is where communication in a relationship comes into place. A lot of the time guys will just assume you know how they feel about you, perhaps you should make a pack where you both have to say 2 nice things to each other a day.


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    #16
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    stmol32 wrote: »
    Hi OP,
    I hope I'm not too out of line here but if this was a one off then could it just be simply that he was flattered by attention he perceived he was getting as it wouldn't happen very often.

    Add that to the fact that he may have had a few drinks on him when he told you so his internal censor wasn't working so he didn't realise he was being a bit insensitive in telling you.

    Have you mentioned this to him after the night in question. You can probably gauge how big or small an issue this was by talking to him.

    I do think that it's perfectly usual for someone in a stable relationship to be flattered by positive feedback from a member of the opposite sex, we're only human.

    Yeah, i would agree that its usual to be flattered by attention, i think its just that he shows me no positive. Like he compliments and tells me about them but i get nothing from him. I suppose id like him to speak about me the way he does about them.


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    #17
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I know you said you're happy enough for him to "go out with his friends whenever he wants", whilst you stay at home babysitting, but that just sounds incredibly unfair to me. Why shouldn't you get an equal amount of nights out with your friends whilst he babysits? Or even just an evening alone for yourself like a spa or event of some sort if you are not into usual group nights out?
    I just don't get it, I imagine I would become very angry and bitter in that situation if I allowed it to happen, but if you are happy with that aspect and are not pushed about going out then fair enough.

    Was him bragging about the other women a one of occasion or is this a regular thing? It wouldn't bother me personally at all unless maybe it was happening every week whilst I was stuck at home and I felt he was deliberately trying to get a rise out of me are something?

    I don't know if this is what your husband was doing though. He might have just been flattered and told you a bit much without realising you might get upset.

    Or maybe as previously suggested he is insecure and feels the need to remind you that he is a "good catch" and that other women find him attractive. A sort of attention seeking (embarrassing to admit but I think I did this once or twice myself as a teenage girl with my boyfriend :o)

    You mentioned that he isn't complimentary towards you anymore - are you complimentary towards him?

    I don't think you have anything to worry about, but if this is very upsetting for you I think you should just sit down and have a chat about it. You could start of by saying that you are not angry with him or not wanting to come off as jealous, but that the other night when he was speaking about those other women it made you feel a little insecure or sad, because you haven't heard him speak of you in that way in some time.
    There's nothing wrong with asking for a little bit of reassurance that things are ok, and it might open the conversation about what's really troubling you - like I don't think his conversation with these women would have bothered you at all if you already felt secure in his feelings towards you. So I would just admit that him chatting to women isn't the problem just that you are feeling this type of complimentary chat is lacking in ye're own relationship.

    You could both agree to make more of an effort with each other to make each other feel appreciated. I personally believe that you should have some fun nights of your own in the interest of fairness, but you also probably need more quality time together with just the 2 of ye.

    I realise babysitting can be expensive, do you have any family relations that would do it an occasional night for free? You could do them small favours in return like cook them a nice dinner, or do some handywork, or give them a few lifts places.

    I regularly babysit for my older sister and her husband and won't accept any cash for it. Imo they are family, the parents work extremely hard so I want my sis and husband to be happy and they deserve an occasional night out together, I love seeing them come home in great spirits after really enjoying an evening out for dinner and cinema or whatever, they are really appreciative of getting time together and never take the piss by asking every weekend or anything like that, plus I get to spend good time with my nephews. I am late twenties and don't want kids of my own but I still don't mind an odd night mind babysitting and I know if me and my partner ever did have kids my sister would be there to return the favour and support me. She's already very good to me in other ways. As would my partner's brother as my partner babysits for his brother's kids.
    We occasionally babysit together for close friends of ours too. It's not a huge ask to babysit for friends every now and then imo especially if you know they are tight on money.

    If you don't have family that could babysit are you friendly with any other couples with children? They might be in the same shoes as ye, and maybe ye could offer to babysit for each other some nights for free so that each couple gets a night out together with babysitting sorted?

    I think with a good chat about your feelings, some more effort on both sides, and maybe some new babysitting arrangements that this issue could be sorted very quickly and that you will hopefully begin to feel happier again. :)


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