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Overly attached female friend

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  • 20-08-2014 12:09am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I know there's already a similar thread on RI but I want to make my own because my problem is slightly different.

    I have an issue with one my boyfriend's close friends, she is way too overly attached to my boyfriend. Most of the time I feel like I'm in a three way relationship and I'm the one looking in! Before anyone calls me out for being over the top, I'm not, honestly. I have no problem with his other friends. He has a couple of male friends who he would be very close to and then a large mixed group of friends. They all give us space to be a couple, she doesn't though.

    She texts him all the time and I know that he's the one to initiate it. When we're sitting down to watch a movie he'll have his phone in hand and will be texting her away. Just recently he was staying at mine for a week and I woke up to hear him talking to her on the phone downstairs. It's constant. Even when I first met him I thought he had a girlfriend because he was constantly texting the same girl, it wasn't until his friend mentioned it in passing that I found out he was single.

    I did ask him when we first started going out why he texted her so often, he said that she was his best friend and that he wasn't just going to drop her now that he had a girlfriend. But also he said that there were no romantic feelings there whatsoever. He also said that he had paired back the friendship now that he was in a relationship with me. That still doesn't justify how often he talks to her though, he wouldn't talk to his other friends half as much. He hasn't even known her for as long as he's known his other close friends, they only became friendly three years ago. At the time both would have been single (for different reasons) and I think that they crossed the friendship line, without becoming intimate, and now have no clue how to become just normal friends again. I'm uncomfortable with the fact that he confides in her also. I'm sure he discusses arguments we've had with her and that annoys me.

    I asked him a while back what she looked like and he gave the usual description; blonde hair, blue eyes etc. but when I met her for the first time I was bowled over, she's gorgeous. I warmed to her at first, she came across as very approachable and kind but then I found her doing little things that made me feel completely insignificant. For example, she kept touching my boyfriend and continually brought up in-jokes and things that they would only know. She could have had any guy in the room but she stayed beside him and continued to flirt openly with my boyfriend!! I felt that I couldn't say anything because I would come across as the overly possessive nag of a girlfriend. I know that he's attracted to her but I also know that she would never go out with him.

    I really do love him but I feel like I'm playing second fiddle to someone I could never live up to. I think I should approach her and tell her how I feel and see if she'll back off. I have discussed this with my friend and she thinks it's a bad idea, what does everyone else think? I'm not sure what else to do, if I say it to him, he'll just make out that I'm over-exaggerating everything. Advice appreciated.


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    #2
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    bounty001 wrote: »
    . I think I should approach her and tell her how I feel and see if she'll back off. I have discussed this with my friend and she thinks it's a bad idea, what does everyone else think? I'm not sure what else to do, if I say it to him, he'll just make out that I'm over-exaggerating everything. Advice appreciated.

    Approaching her imo is a dreadful idea and will only annoy your boyfriend and, if you think she is deliberately flirting, it will probably spur her on more as she knows it is coming between you two. If you don't believe its malicious/deliberate then I wouldn't do anything as there's nothing to worry about.

    I know that doesn't really help you but i really wouldn't approach her.


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    #3
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Your bf is being unreasonable. No one in a relationship should play second fiddle to the third wheel. If I were you I would step out and let them get a room.


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    #4
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Definitely dong lower yourself by talking to her. It's your bf who needs to set boundaries here.


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    #5
    maria34
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    Its your bf who should change his attitude. I wouldnt have none of it myself. My bf has female friends but he keeps his distance.
    To be honest i think he is attracted to her, she is one of these attention seekers and he cant have her so he is dancing and hopping like a pet dog.


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    #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I know you say she has an inappropriate level of contact with him, but you also say he initiates it. If you know he is attracted to her, then she knows it. She might genuinely like him as a friend, but she also may be enjoying the attention she gets from him. Is she touchy-feely with other people, too?

    There is a big difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. I'm married. I often find people other than my husband attractive. I'm not blind. I can see people, and I can see if someone is good looking. But I'm not attracted to these people. I think that's where it would start becoming a problem in a relationship.

    You say she would never go out with him? So now you need to figure out if your bf really does just see her as a (very good looking) platonic friend, or if the day came where she made it clear she would go out with him would you be dropped like a hot potato?

    If you think that that is possible, then this relationship isn't right for you.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I feel your pain. I had exactly the same issue with my boyfriend and a female friend. He has always had female friends, they have never bothered me. Some he was closer to than others, but it was never weird. He never behaved (and this went both ways) with them in any way that was different from his male friends.

    Then, he met a new friend. It started normally, I met her a few times, it all seemed normal but suddenly it snowballed. She needed someone to talk to, he was the only one she could talk to, trust, etc. Complete bull****. He loved the attention though, she made him feel so special. No doubt in his head he was bloody superman. I put my foot well and truly down though. I was sick and tired of him constantly calling and messaging her to see if she was ok and her drama. We had some serious arguments about it and I gave him an ultimatum, her or me. He choose me but it certainly wasn't easy. I think that the light finally dawned one night when we were out and she rubbed herself off his crotch, he told her in no uncertain terms not to touch him and she lost the plot. She revealed her true colours that night but god only knows it took him long enough for him to see what she was up to.

    anyway OP, you are better than this. My advice is to have a very serious chat with him. Point out where the normal friendship boundaries are, and how often they are crossed with her. If you don't see a drastic improvement, walk. You won't do your self -confidence any good playing second fiddle to her. Do not approach her either.


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    #8
    Greenduck
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Greenduck


    Its not really good enough to just say 'he will tell me I'm exaggerating '. He needs to listen to what you have to say and understand how this behaviour is having an affect on you an your relationship.

    If the consistent phonecalls and texts need to stop, you need to tell him this. Straight and to the point. Nobody wants to be a controlling partner but if whats happening is really upsetting you, he needs to know.

    Do not attempt to contact her. This is between you and your partner. He will need to explain to her that the relationship is not appropriate.


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    #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here,

    Thanks RI, all good advice so far.

    @Big Bag Of Chips: No she's only touchy feely with him when in my company. I know her type though, I've grown up with girls like her. I only had to look at her Twitter and see that she has six or seven men under her thumb and vying for her attention. She's a strange one, in a way I can't get angry at her or I feel annoyed with myself. My boyfriend said she has depression and he was there for at a time when she was suicidal. I know that that's not a lie and she's not using it as an excuse, I often think he uses it as an excuse to continuously talk to her though. I don't want to demonise her, I also don't want to be the one blamed for severing ties with her only support source. He's an easy person to talk to, a good listener and gives good advice so I can see why she relies on him but it's too much for me. I know for a fact she's been enabled all her life because of her looks and is just used to it. Male admirers come easy to her, she wouldn't have many female friends at all. I wish she would just step back a little, she knows he likes her, definitely.

    Would he drop me like a hot potato if she gave him a chance? I don't know. When it's just the two of us or when we're not around her I know he loves me. But when she comes into the picture I feel invisible so maybe it's her he loves. I can't really compete with the bond that they have. I am well aware that if she was attracted to him they would probably be going out, of all the admirers she has, she seems to like him the most. There is an emotional attachment there. I really do feel like I'm caught from all sides.

    Okay, I definitely won't approach her anyway.


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    #10
    Pippy1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    bounty001 wrote: »
    playing second fiddle to someone I could never live up to.

    Eh, why do you think you'd never live up to this wondrous woman?? Stop running yourself down and believe that he's with you because, clearly, he fancies you more than her and you may be 'relationship material' and she may not be.

    Either way, I would think that the longer you guys go out together the more this friendship may fizzle out over time? How long have you guys been dating?

    I'd bide my time and hopefully it'd run its course. But, back to point No. 1, have confidence in yourself.


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    #11
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    You say that if she fancied him, they'd be together.

    I think that tells you what you need to know really.

    You say you feel when you are alone that your boyfriend loves you, but you feel invisible around her. That's not how you feel if you think someone loves you. What a rotten way to feel!


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    #12
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    I absolutely categorically could not go out with someone if I felt that his 'friendship' with another female would be so much more if SHE suddenly decided that she wanted it so. Nope. No bloody way. What sort of way is that to live? It'd be like sitting under a rain cloud waiting for it to burst.

    You deserve more than that OP. This either needs to get nipped in the bud asap or you need to put your skates on. I'm not one for ultimatums, but I think this is a special case. Tell your boyfriend you have no intention of sitting by and being made to feel invisible when he's in the company of his 'best friend' and that you will not be second best to her. He either wants a relationship with you and will commit to you accordingly - which means no excluding you, unintentionally or otherwise, when she is around; no constant texting and phone calls night and day; no little 'in jokes' designed to make you feel inadequate and no sharing your private personal relationship with her because it is simply inappropriate.

    Tell him you're questioning his feelings for you - and are asking yourself, does he really love me or does he love her? If I told my boyfriend that he'd go to the ends of the earth to reassure me of his feelings. I think the most telling thing will be his reaction - if he gets defensive and doesn't display any sympathy or concern for your feelings, I really think it's time to walk away.


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    #13
    jimd2
    Registered Users Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    Start arranging dates with your boyfriend to gradually and in a subtle way that takes him away from contact with her. Also, try and make it in locations or situations in which it would be inappropriate for him to be texting all of the time. Try and gradually cut her out of things. If he deliberately deviates back to her then you have your answer.


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    #14
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    jimd2 wrote: »
    Start arranging dates with your boyfriend to gradually and in a subtle way that takes him away from contact with her. Also, try and make it in locations or situations in which it would be inappropriate for him to be texting all of the time. Try and gradually cut her out of things. If he deliberately deviates back to her then you have your answer.

    No offence but she shouldn't have to trick her boyfriend into any particular scenario. Op just be clear and lay all your cards on the table, tell him how this is making you feel and use his reaction as a gauge.


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    #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    But when she comes into the picture I feel invisible....

    Oh, OP, that's not right.

    Being honest with you, the level of contact they seem to have with each other is excessive. I have a "best friend", we could go weeks without being in touch. I don't know of any friendship where the contact is constant.

    You shouldn't be relegated to an extra in the crowd when she is around, playing his leading lady. If you feel like that, everyone around you will see that. He is making a fool of you. Nobody is saying they can't be friends. Nobody is demanding that he cut off all contact, but for God's sake, he should respect you enough to be proud to have you beside him as his gf. Not pushing you aside so they can have their little flirt, and then call you a nag if you dare suggest it's not right.


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    #16
    ibarelycare
    Registered Users Posts: 58,456 ✭✭✭✭ibarelycare


    OP you shouldn't have to be second best :( I think it's really sad that you feel that if she was attracted to your bf there'd be a relationship. You're saying that because he can't have her, he's settled for you. You deserve better.

    How long are you and your bf together?


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    #17
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Oh, OP, that's not right.

    Being honest with you, the level of contact they seem to have with each other is excessive. I have a "best friend", we could go weeks without being in touch. I don't know of any friendship where the contact is constant.

    You shouldn't be relegated to an extra in the crowd when she is around, playing his leading lady. If you feel like that, everyone around you will see that. He is making a fool of you. Nobody is saying they can't be friends. Nobody is demanding that he cut off all contact, but for God's sake, he should respect you enough to be proud to have you beside him as his gf. Not pushing you aside so they can have their little flirt, and then call you a nag if you dare suggest it's not right.

    This sums it up for me. I'd be tempted to leave them to one another, to be honest. I certainly wouldn't be getting into approaching her or anything like that.


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    #18
    aoiferahmana
    Registered Users Posts: 42 ✭aoiferahmana


    Your boyfriend should be the one person in the world who you know has got your back, who would do anything to make you happy and who treats like you are the most important person in the world..... you are not being unreasonable to expect anything less.


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    #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    ibarelycare wrote: »
    OP you shouldn't have to be second best :( I think it's really sad that you feel that if she was attracted to your bf there'd be a relationship. You're saying that because he can't have her, he's settled for you. You deserve better.

    How long are you and your bf together?

    Nine months.

    "Being honest with you, the level of contact they seem to have with each other is excessive. I have a "best friend", we could go weeks without being in touch. I don't know of any friendship where the contact is constant."

    Sorry, I don't know how to direct quote both quotes but that's exactly what I think too but if I bring it up with him he makes out like I'm being possessive or controlling. Well that's how I feel anyway.

    I'll talk to him tonight and see how it goes.


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    #20
    Pippy1976
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,047 ✭✭✭Pippy1976


    bounty001 wrote: »
    if I bring it up with him he makes out like I'm being possessive or controlling.

    There's your answer. You're not being possessive or controlling.

    Revising my first reaction of 'this'll phase itself out' I'd tend to agree with other posters that you should be his top priority as he's dating you. Sitting down together and watching a movie whilst he's texting her? Eh, hello, I don't think so.

    Jog on, mate.


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Best of luck with the chat tonight OP.

    Just wanted to say that none of this is your fault, you have done nothing to create this situation. You deserve none of this and I hope it all works out for you. You are better than she is, you aren't hurting anyone.

    Whatever happens, my thoughts are with you. If it comes to the worst, walk away with your head held high.


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    #22
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    bounty001 wrote: »
    he said that she was his best friend
    he wouldn't talk to his other friends half as much.

    That's fairly normal, people will tend to talk to their best friend more than their other friends.
    bounty001 wrote:
    I asked him a while back what she looked like and he gave the usual description; blonde hair, blue eyes etc. but when I met her for the first time I was bowled over, she's gorgeous.

    This stood out to me quite a bit. Please ask yourself this question, and try to be really honest with yourself. If she was 17 stone with bad skin and greasy hair etc, and everything else about their friendship was the same, all the contact, all the messaging, being best friends etc, would you still have viewed their closeness as flirting, would you still view two best friends sharing an in joke as an attempt to deliberately exclude you? Be careful you aren't just letting the fact that this girl is so beautiful cloud your objectivity and see things that aren't there. It's the oldest story in the world tbh. Happens ALL THE TIME.

    Please please please just have a bit of a think about this post along with the others in the thread before you go shouting the odds with your boyfriend or anything like that. Just thread carefully, and think rationally before you make any decision on how you are going to act.

    Hope things work out.


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    #23
    amtc
    Registered Users Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭amtc


    I am that girl (not literally). My two best friends are male. Both of them have tried it on with me. I've had those whispered phone calls and texts when outside 'smoking'. It wrecked my head,and relations with their girlfriends I could potentially have been friends with. I'm not saying it wasn't flattering, but it wasn't healthy and in a way stopped me moving on as they were my 'pretend' boyfriends (nothing happened, but they took up my social life).

    I explained this to both, one of whom cut off contact totally which was sad (we are both in our 40s and have known each other since early 20s), the other still tries it on but it's at a stage where we laugh about it a it's never going to happen.


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    #24
    snotboogie
    Registered Users Posts: 3,568 ✭✭✭snotboogie


    ibarelycare wrote: »
    OP you shouldn't have to be second best :( I think it's really sad that you feel that if she was attracted to your bf there'd be a relationship. You're saying that because he can't have her, he's settled for you. You deserve better.

    How long are you and your bf together?

    Unfortunately, that's life. We're fed fantasies about finding "the one" being fulfilled and living happily ever after. In reality we all settle and make the best with what we have.

    The OP and her boyfriend are unlucky enough to have gotten into a situation where their relationship is a tool to stroke the ego of an outside party. Your bf's "best friend" was probably using him to fill time when she was bored and as a sponge to soak up her own emotional garbage. Now that her on call lapdog has found a new girl she will have ramped up the flirting and innuendo, partly because her self esteem feels threatened and partly because the idea of stealing him from you without the promise of anything in return makes her feel powerful.

    She will keep going until she breaks up your relationship or he completely cuts off contact.


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    #25
    Noo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,986 ✭✭✭Noo


    Hey OP. I am just wondering what has become of this, did you guys have a chat, and he distanced himself from her or are things the same? A friend of mine is this girl, not literally, and while I dont know the full extent of her relationship with her male best friend, its does sound awfully familiar to your situation. I hope im not being nosey, I am asking out of interest as I didnt think it was a common situation but it seems to be.


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    #26
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    @Noo As per the forum charter, please do not request an update.

    dudara


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    #27
    Noo
    Registered Users Posts: 1,986 ✭✭✭Noo


    dudara wrote: »
    @Noo As per the forum charter, please do not request an update.

    dudara

    Oops sorry, didnt read the charter.


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    #28
    folamh
    Registered Users Posts: 787 ✭✭✭folamh


    I think for most people, being in a relationship entails being a "special friend" to that person, if not their best friend. For this reason it can feel extremely demoralizing for a partner to put you second to their best friend, as though they occupy some sacred place in their life that you could never live up to. What are relationships even for if not that level of closeness? Shallow and empty. Being comfortable with your partner having close friends of the opposite sex is important and a sign of love and maturity, and it's to your credit that you have done this. However, it is NOT right if you honestly believe that they would be together if she fancied him. You may be onto something with this, or it may just be paranoia and insecurity on your part. I think you should confront him in a frank and honest way about your insecurities. Make it clear that you do not have a problem with him having female friends. What you're hurt by is the comparative closeness, the feeling secondary, etc. Perhaps ask him to put himself in your shoes, how he would feel if you had a gorgeous bloke friend who made him feel secondary.


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