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No time together

  • 16-08-2014 11:43am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi guys, just wanted some advice on how others would deal with having no time with their oh.
    My boyfriend and I are together for a little over a year, I'm 26, he's 23, we used to see each other 2-3 times a week and talk or text every night.
    This summer however he has gone to work for the family business while he's off from college. This means he's working 13 hour days, 6 days a week and at 5 minutes notice can be told you're working late so he's constantly cancelling plans. In the past ten days I've only seen him for 3 hours.

    On one hand I feel guilty for asking to spend more time with him, am I being unreasonable or too needy? But on the other hand I feel frustrated that I can't see him, annoyed when he cancels plans with me and that he won't ask for any time off. I have a few days off coming up, I asked him to take a half day or day off do we could go away for a night but he said he can't. I've tried talking to him about but he's very laid back and his reply is always that it will work out and it has to be put up with for the moment. I'm not sure if I can do it though, I love him to bits but the not seeing him, plans constantly being canceled, and not being able to make plans is getting to me. Am I being selfish?


Comments

  • #2
    LLMMML
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭LLMMML


    On the one hand summer is nearly over so things will probably go back to normal soon. You could let it go.

    On the other hand what about Christmas and Easter Hols, next summer, after he graduates, etc?

    Is he just saying "sorry I can't" or is he being more specific as to why he can't? It seems a bit strange, if they can't do without him for half a day, what did they do while he was in college?

    Ask him to lay out clearly the reason he can't take some time off and have a discussion about that. If he's fobbing you off with "I just can't" it doesn't bode well for the future. You need to be able to have clear talks with your partner.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    LLMMML wrote: »
    On the one hand summer is nearly over so things will probably go back to normal soon. You could let it go.

    On the other hand what about Christmas and Easter Hols, next summer, after he graduates, etc?

    Is he just saying "sorry I can't" or is he being more specific as to why he can't? It seems a bit strange, if they can't do without him for half a day, what did they do while he was in college?

    Ask him to lay out clearly the reason he can't take some time off and have a discussion about that. If he's fobbing you off with "I just can't" it doesn't bode well for the future. You need to be able to have clear talks with your partner.

    Hi OP here,

    During college he doesn't work, and last year he didn't work at Christmas and Easter etc also after graduating he says he won't be involved in the business, it's completely different than what he's studying. He basically just said it's not possible, that it doesn't work like that in his family. He won't go into specifics as to why and this worries me slightly, he's fairly closed about his family


  • #4
    LLMMML
    Registered Users Posts: 108 ✭✭LLMMML


    Yeah after a year it's not great that he can't give a straight clear answer. I'd push him for an answer. Not just on the issue but express your concern that you're not getting an clear open reason after a year long relationship.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP here again, things with my oh haven't improved. He told me at the weekend that he would try to get time off this week, I asked him tonight and got told that the family "wouldn't be impressed" and he'd "never hear the end of it" so hadn't even bothered to ask. So basically got told that maybe we'll do something when he goes back to college. I don't know what to think, i feel like I'm way down his list of priorities, I've only seen him twice in the last 2 weeks, and one of those he turned up 50 minutes late and after 2 hours went home because he was tired. Am I being unreasonable wanting to see him once every week or 10 days? Or to spend even a night or two away together?


  • #6
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    It sounds like he needs to stand up to his family. It can be difficult when you're expected to work in the family business; I used to work for my brother and occasionally went a month without a day off because the pressure to 'help out the family' can be intense. He's going to have to decide whether or not spending time with you is important enough for him to say "I can't work that day, I'm seeing my gf".


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  • #7
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP I have to wonder why you are wasting your time with this guy?
    I know he has family commitments but you are so down the list that you might as well not be on it. As to waiting until he is back in college - wow - way to make you feel special - "let's wait until I'm back in college and have nothing better to do".

    Sorry time to be harsh here - if he cannot stand up to his family now why bother waiting. Clearly he is a man-boy with a hell of a lot more growing up to do - you have to ask yourself - are you willing to wait to see if he can or do you want more out of a relationship?


  • #8
    padser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,375 ✭✭✭padser


    Notsurewhattothink! wrote: »
    Am I being selfish?

    I think a little, but maybe that's just me.

    He is working hard for a short period of time (which shows responsibility and dedication to his family, both good things). This means for a short (and soon to be over) period he has less time for you.

    He doesn't work at Xmas or Easter and wouldn't be doing this post graduation. Talk to him about the problems you have with him putting in long hours and the effect it has on you (he cancels, is tired etc) but I'd attempt to see it from his perspective as well....


  • #9
    whitebriar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,745 ✭✭✭whitebriar


    2 Things-if he's genuinely that busy(13 hr days) and you can't wait another couple of weeks to get back to normal,then you don't love him to bits.You haven't learned what that is yet,you only think you do.

    Second-if this is the way he is going on,(no time for you at all,all summer?) then he doesn't love you either.

    Sorry for the home truths.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you all for your replies. @ whitebriar, I do really love him, I don't have any doubt in myself about that.

    @ padser I think I am being a bit selfish about the situation, I have tried to see it from his perspective, I know he is working crazy hours and I understand that. Up until a few weeks ago I was working similar hours 10+ a day, 1 hour each way commute and every weekend, but I still met him 2 nights a week after work and on one or both of my days off. that doesn't help me not to be hurt or annoyed when he cancels 15 min before we are meant to meet, turns up 50 minutes late or doesn't turn up at all as happened recently because he "forgot" what day we had plans for and went out with his friend. I admit I don't understand the pressure from his family and work.

    @ taltos and kylith, I don't know will he ever stand up to his family, I've only met a few family members, but to me he kind of seems to be a peacekeeper in the family and the one they rely on. If he thought that him picking up the slack would stop an argument he'd do it. Basically I'm down the list of priorities somewhere under family, work, college, and friends. As to your question taltos, I love him.

    In one way I think I should give him the benefit of the doubt until he starts back at college and see if things improve. But I'm slightly concerned they won't, I'm starting a new job next week, which means I won't have to work weekends anymore, he's used to doing his own thing on weekends and meeting up when I finish work (11pm) so I'm not sure if he'll be willing to change this. He's the kind of person that gives whatever he's doing 100% whether it's work or college and I guess I'm just worried that there'll be nothing and no time left for me


  • #11
    retro:electro
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Do you think he may be using his family as an excuse? I mean what family on earth wouldn't allow their son to enjoy a few hours away guilt free after he's bust his back working a 13hr day for them. Is be a little suspect about that one. I'm not saying he's not working those hours, but maybe he himself doesn't want to meet you. Maybe having a girlfriend during the summer is just a huge inconvenience for him, but he doesn't want to break up with you because he still wants you there once college starts. Do his family even know about you? I'd imagine if they did they would encourage him to spend time with you and even invite you around.

    I'd be more than a little suspicious if come September he just wants everything to slide back into the way things were last college term, I wouldn't be so quick to forget just how he treated you this summer.
    I'd be looking for answers if I were you op, you are his girlfriend and for the last few months he has made you feel like nothing more than a huge inconvenience.


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  • #12
    comewatmay
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 274 ✭✭comewatmay


    Did you ever think he may have another girl on the go?


  • #13
    Fluxfan
    Registered Users Posts: 218 ✭✭Fluxfan


    I was going out with someone for years who did this also, until it hit a level similar to what you are talking about. The final straw for me was when I had managed to get a Sunday off (was working every weekend given at the time) and we had plans, to which he reneged on without even cancelling and I was just expected to understand. We broke up - (we probably would have anyway for different reasons I think but this was the end of the end).

    After some time and water had passed under the bridge we happened to have a chat about what had happened. I had never realised the pressure that he was under from home. Things were very difficult and his alcoholic father was really acting up. He didn't want to tell me because he was embarrassed, and was just trying to do the right thing by his family. Turns out his family had said quite nasty things about me as well because I was trying to pull him away - they didn't realise that I had no idea of the full story.

    Moral of the story was if there had been better communication and he had told me honestly and frankly I would have backed off and let him do what he needed to do. Very difficult to get someone to communicate with you when they may not realise there is a communication problem. I suggest you write him an honest (but not angry) letter with what you've written here (within reason) and taking on board the advice you've been given, and tell him it would mean so much to you if you could sit down and talk some of the things you've written through.


  • #14
    Queen-Mise
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,461 ✭✭✭Queen-Mise


    comewatmay wrote: »
    Did you ever think he may have another girl on the go?

    Wouldn't think so.

    OP - I think your BF is working these ridiculous hours over the summer, so that he doesn't have to work during the college year and can concentrate on his studies.

    Kudos to him for that.

    Not going to pass any comment on work/life balance, because he doesn't do this long-term. It is for the summer months.

    When the pressure comes of him when back in college. Have a chat with him about this.


  • #15
    Chattastrophe!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,284 ✭✭✭Chattastrophe!


    I had a boyfriend like this. When it came to work/family/farm commitments, he couldn't say no to anyone. And yet he could say no to me, when I wanted us to spend the odd evening together, because there was work to be done. And it always took priority.

    I broke up with him, and a large part of it was because I place value on my time - I expect my partner to love and respect me enough that he'll at least sometimes consider time with his girlfriend to take priority over work and family and all the rest.

    If I were you, I'd be really thinking about how important you are to him, in the grand scheme of things. And does he appreciate you at all, or are you just a fun way to spend time when he has nothing better to do. Saying you can hang out together when he's back to college is just not good enough, in my opinion. What makes him so sure that you'll still be waiting around for him by then?


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you all for your feedback and advice, it has definitely given me a lot to think about and consider.

    His family know about us, I've met a few of his family, his mom isn't my biggest fan ( long story but I get the feeling she doesn't like me) but I get on well with his sister. His brother who lives in the Middle East was recently home on a visit asked to meet me but my boyfriend didn't said it to me until weeks later.

    With regards to another girl, I don't think so. I don't think he'd have the time or would do that to me. Although he only recently admitted that a female "friend" of his who he sees daily during term time is his ex, despite assuring me for months that nothing ever happened between them.

    I think I will just have to wait and see what happens when he goes back to college. In the meantime I need consider what I really want and need


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