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6 Years and it ended

  • 24-08-2014 8:42am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hey everyone, don't really know what to say here. I have been with my GF for 6 years most of our teenage and young adult life. She broke up with me last week saying it was because she wants to work on herself and not be with anyone. I can see her point but I don't think it was the deciding factor, this were fine the start of this month its only really the last 2 or so weeks I have been in bad moods a lot from work, not saying much and not supporting he trailing ambitions.

    It seems to all come to a head then and she broke it off. I'm blaming myself also for all of this with how all the little things built up, and got to the stage. I know she loves me and I still love her, we get on great and just seem to work perfectly, she has discussed marriage and when she'd like to do it with me even.

    I really want to try sort this out but I don't know if its possible wish it was something easier like I did something wrong and made it up to her. I wrote a letter to her last week and she texted me saying she appreciated it and will talk when she's ready.

    I wrote another one yesterday haven't given her it yet but I will monday(not in person) to talk about all my feelings on travelling.

    Anyone any advice? Im conscious of the length of the post so I may leave it there for now


Comments

  • #2
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    How about you give her some space. Let her know that you are in love with her and want to be her but you understand she wants to work on herself.

    Then cut contact with her and let her do her own thing. If she really wants to be with you then she will come back.

    You could even set yourself a deadline. Like no contact for a month and then see what happens from there.

    You say that you've been moody for a few weeks but I don't think some one would end a 6year relationship because of a few weeks.


  • #3
    mapaca
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    Don't give her the second letter you wrote. She has said she will talk when she's ready, you have to respect that.

    It sounds like she feels you have grown apart. After six years together I'm sure she didn't just end it because you had a couple of bad moods.

    I know it's hard, but try to keep yourself busy with other things, talk to friends in real life about it, and let her contact you when she's ready.


  • #4
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    It's likely to have been coming for a lot longer than two weeks.

    You said that she had talked about marriage. Did you ever bring up the subject or talk about the two of you having a future together? It could be that after six years she just gave up waiting for a firm commitment from you.

    I agree that you shouldn't give her the second letter. She knows how you feel and now it's up to her to decide how she wants to move forward.


  • #5
    userod
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 327 ✭✭userod


    kylith wrote: »
    It could be that after six years she just gave up waiting for a firm commitment from you.

    People need to start realising that a 'firm commitment' can be offered by a guy these days without the typical Catholic church cermony and an evening in a hotel function room.


  • #6
    Catari Jaguar
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,649 ✭✭✭Catari Jaguar


    kylith wrote: »
    You said that she had talked about marriage. Did you ever bring up the subject or talk about the two of you having a future together? It could be that after six years she just gave up waiting for a firm commitment from you.

    Jeez, they're probably only about 22! Relax. Teen couples should break at some stage to grow and be independent, stand on their own two feet, fine their preferences, gain some life experience; places, people. She wants to do that. I suggest you use this opportunity to do the same. Will probably benefit you. Respect her wishes for space


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  • #7
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    userod wrote: »
    People need to start realising that a 'firm commitment' can be offered by a guy these days without the typical Catholic church cermony and an evening in a hotel function room.

    For some people but not the majority. There is nothing wrong with a traditional wedding and speaks volumesthst she tried to talk about it with him.

    Op give her space and see what happens.


  • #8
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    userod wrote: »
    People need to start realising that a 'firm commitment' can be offered by a guy these days without the typical Catholic church cermony and an evening in a hotel function room.

    Yes, it can, but if she was talking about having children and he never so much as said "I would very much like to do that within X years", or "I would like to be married in X years" (not necessarily in a church), or even "I can't wait for us to grow old together/When we have kids" then there is no commitment from him.
    A lot of guys seem to think that saying "yeah, I'd like that at some stage" in response to their partner saying that she wants to have children constitutes a commitment when, from the gf's perspective, it can come across as being fobbed off.
    Catari Jaguar wrote: »
    Jeez, they're probably only about 22! Relax. Teen couples should break at some stage to grow and be independent, stand on their own two feet, fine their preferences, gain some life experience; places, people. She wants to do that. I suggest you use this opportunity to do the same. Will probably benefit you. Respect her wishes for space

    Some teen couples break up, some get married in their early 20s (and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't). But I think it's fair to say that after being together 6 years she was looking for something that he hadn't given.


  • #9
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    kylith wrote: »
    But I think it's fair to say that after being together 6 years she was looking for something that he hadn't given.

    Not necessarily, happens quite often that when someone have been together since teenagers, that one or the other of them will just lament the fact that they never had the whole being free and single period that others have had (Op's gf's comments would suggest this is the case with her imo) . It's not necessarily anything to do with the OP at all, in terms of him having not given her a commitment or anything else really.

    Just sounds like she wants to experience being young and single as she's never really had the opportunity, I think this is what "want to work on myself" translates to in reality.

    OP, I'd take the opportunity to do the same tbh, go enjoy being single and all that entails, because, and this is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth, I don't think your ex is going to be sitting in a quiet room meditating or sleeping alone in bed on Friday nights after a girls night out, in terms of "working on herself".

    Sorry.

    Maybe at some point in the future you two will end up back together, maybe not, but don't sit around saving yourself, or indefinitely waiting around for, someone that will consider themselves a free agent and will be living like free agents do.


  • #10
    kylith
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    strobe wrote: »
    Not necessarily, happens quite often that when someone have been together since teenagers, that one or the other of them will just lament the fact that they never had the whole being free and single period that others have had (Op's gf's comments would suggest this is the case with her imo) . It's not necessarily anything to do with the OP at all, in terms of him having not given her a commitment or anything else really.

    That's true, but the OP said that she had talked marriage and when she'd like to do it, though he doesn't say what he said about that, and that she had talked about travelling, which he says he was not supportive of. To me that sounds like her sounding him out on his opinions about their future.

    Of course, we can never know what is going on in someone else's head, and the best that I think the OP can do is to try to move on, in the knowledge that if she wants to pick things up again she will come to him.


  • #11
    ilovecakes
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭ilovecakes


    I understand your frustration with the situation, but for now it would be best to just give her the space that she wants. It's not your fault, and more than likely it has nothing to do with you personally. When you're with someone for such a long time at such a young age, feelings of doubt are bound to start creeping in. Thoughts of what could have been, or seeing other friends having the time of their lives being single. Let her have that time, and then reassess in a couple of months. It will be good for you too. If it's meant to work out, it will.


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  • #12
    TGJD
    Registered Users Posts: 432 ✭✭TGJD


    kylith wrote: »
    Yes, it can, but if she was talking about having children and he never so much as said "I would very much like to do that within X years", or "I would like to be married in X years" (not necessarily in a church), or even "I can't wait for us to grow old together/When we have kids" then there is no commitment from him.
    A lot of guys seem to think that saying "yeah, I'd like that at some stage" in response to their partner saying that she wants to have children constitutes a commitment when, from the gf's perspective, it can come across as being fobbed off.



    Some teen couples break up, some get married in their early 20s (and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't). But I think it's fair to say that after being together 6 years she was looking for something that he hadn't given.

    I would be inclined to agree with this being the most likely reason based on what you've told us.


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