Age Difference and Meeting the Parents

Jentle Grenade · 25-07-2014 12:54am #1

Hi all, first post here.

So tomorrow I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We've been together officially for nearly 8 (wonderful) months. I'm 26 and she is 34 in a few weeks. It's not a significant age difference in my opinion, I never really thought about it truth be told.
Today my girlfriend's sister said their parents would "flip out" when they see how young I apparently look and would think that I'm using my girlfriend to "take care" of me, financially I assume. She then went on to say that it was alright for age discrepancies between a man and a woman because of maturity levels (her words not mine!) but between two women made no sense at all. Now I've met the sister several times and never sensed a problem until today, especially no issue ever about the age thing.
I asked my girlfriend about this and she said she had never mentioned the age difference to her parents because she thought her mother would get hung up about it. She knows now that I'm a bit stung by the sister's words but can't understand why I'm worried about it.

It's made me even more worried about meeting the parents to be honest. My girlfriend and I are both working in full time jobs. If anything I would be in a better financial position as my girlfriend returned to education a few years ago and has a lovely GEM loan to her name.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation? Her parents would be fairly conservative but she's been out since she was a teenager. Is the age difference really that much of an issue because we're two women? My own family had no issue at all with it.

magentis · 25-07-2014 12:59am

Jentle Grenade wrote: »

Hi all, first post here.

So tomorrow I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We've been together officially for nearly 8 (wonderful) months. I'm 26 and she is 34 in a few weeks. It's not a significant age difference in my opinion, I never really thought about it truth be told.
Today my girlfriend's sister said their parents would "flip out" when they see how young I apparently look and would think that I'm using my girlfriend to "take care" of me, financially I assume. She then went on to say that it was alright for age discrepancies between a man and a woman because of maturity levels (her words not mine!) but between two women made no sense at all. Now I've met the sister several times and never sensed a problem until today, especially no issue ever about the age thing.
I asked my girlfriend about this and she said she had never mentioned the age difference to her parents because she thought her mother would get hung up about it. She knows now that I'm a bit stung by the sister's words but can't understand why I'm worried about it.

It's made me even more worried about meeting the parents to be honest. My girlfriend and I are both working in full time jobs. If anything I would be in a better financial position as my girlfriend returned to education a few years ago and has a lovely GEM loan to her name.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation? Her parents would be fairly conservative but she's been out since she was a teenager. Is the age difference really that much of an issue because we're two women? My own family had no issue at all with it.

Hi,
what age were you when you realised you liked only women?

wonderfulname · 25-07-2014 1:16am

magentis wrote: »

Hi,
what age were you when you realised you liked only women?

I fail to see how this is relevant to the topic at hand, if you have nothing constructive to say please refrain from posting

J_E · 25-07-2014 5:14am

Gosh, I wouldn't have thought 8 years was a huge difference if you were both near/around your 30's! There's a bigger age gap in my relationship and I am concerned regarding parents, but all my friends know and have accepted it. I wouldn't worry in your situation, to be honest. I would be very surprised if a comment was made on it, considering you're both working adults.

daithi84 · 25-07-2014 12:00pm

I dont know how being two women would affect anybody's reaction to an age difference. For the sister to make an issue out of it would make me suspicious that there wasn't an ulterior motive going on. IMO at the ago of 26 you are sufficiently mature enough to make your own decisions of who you go out with and make life decisions. The only possible reason I can fathom for the parents to be wary about the age difference would be that they might want their daughter to settle down into a longterm relationship, possibly marry and that you being 26 might not be ready for all that yet.

The comment about being 2 women has me a bit p***ed off to be honest. Kinda sexist. Its ok for men to have younger girlfriends but not women. That attitude is kind of out there already, like man has young bride nothing said woman accused of being gold digger, roles reversed woman is seen as the bad one again, man given pat on the back.

lottpaul · 25-07-2014 12:04pm

I wonder whether the issue - if any - is either the age difference or in fact the parents? Is it possible that the sister also has some issues regarding the relationship and/or the age difference?
Just something to bear in mind perhaps.
As for the parents - meeting them can be difficult in any situation - lesbian/gay or straight, age difference or not. From their point of view they are meeting the person who is about to "steal" away their darling daughter and "replace" them in her life and affections

It's a scenario that has happened and will continue to happen through the ages. Now add in the fact that the person is another (and younger) woman and you are bound to have some added issues. That said, take time to get to know each other - you both love and care for the same person and it doesn't have to be a "competition".
Your girlfriend is really the person who can judge things best - she must feel that the time is right for a meeting so maybe trust in her judgement and see how it goes. Anyway, in the first meeting the conversation is surely likely to be more about the weather, the price of potatoes etc than age differences etc?

They'll get around to the interrogation soon enough!

Best of luck.

Jentle Grenade · 25-07-2014 3:31pm

Thanks for all the replies, it's much appreciated. The parents are retired and live abroad hence why I haven't met them sooner. I've met her sister and brother and tbh never thought until yesterday that there was any issue about age! We're meeting for dinner later today. Wish me luck!

eviltwin · 25-07-2014 4:29pm

She is assuming her parents will have an issue with it but you don't know, they might surprise you and be cool with it. I don't see it as a huge gap myself either. Hopefully your girlfriend is just being paranoid, bringing someone special home to meet your folks is scary so its probably natural to think they will see issues where there are none, hopefully once they see how happy you make their daughter that will be enough for them. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Jentle Grenade · 27-07-2014 12:57am

Thanks for all the serious replies. It went well enough, no drama or hysterics. I think it was obvious they were a bit surprised and asked a lot of leading questions about my job, family etc that were in the way of establishing how mature I was :pac:

Opened up some interesting questions for me though. I asked my friends about the situation and I was surprised at the number of them who did think the age gap could be an issue (straight women) but had never mentioned it!

Rick_ · 29-07-2014 10:20am

I'm 29 and my boyfriend is 18, and our birthdays are 2 weeks apart, so he will turn 19 just before I turn 30. *cries*

My family and friends have met him and it doesn't bother them that he is younger. It certainly doesn't bother him as he says he prefers guys older than him and more mature acting as he is pretty mature for his age. Plenty of people have said that they thought he was a similar age to me or that he was older, probably due to him having a beard.

I haven't met his family yet. I have met some of his friends and, like mine, they don't care, but I just have this constant feeling that his parents (although his mother has suggested a few times that he bring me in to meet her, even briefly) would not approve and would cause problems for us. I can't see his father approving of me at all for a couple of reasons.

I would love to be able to go to his house when I visit him instead of just driving around the local area and always having to do stuff outside instead of being able to sit on the sofa together and watch the TV or something indoors. Twice now his mother has even said that we are fine to come to the house and go upstairs and she would make sure not to be around so we wouldn't have to speak or interact but I'm still cautious. We can do everything so openly when he comes to my house and can socialise with family and friends and everything is great, it just isn't when it's the other way round, and I fear it might never be, or even if it ends up being that way that I'll never be comfortable as I'll always be thinking of what others are thinking or saying behind my back...

29-07-2014 11:23am

Paddy C, I get the distinct impression from your post, that your boyfriend's mum would love to meet you. How about starting off slowly by meeting the mum and boyfriend for coffee someplace. You might find it easier when eventually meeting the rest of his family and you could end up with an ally.
My sister and her husband have a 14 year age gap and they got together when she was 19. I did think about the gap at the time but once I met him, he really was sound and the age gap was forgotten.

Rick_ · 29-07-2014 11:48am

Possibly, but his mother is not aware of my age, she just knows that I am a bit older and "in my 20's", so she might be fine because she thinks that I'm 23 or something. She mightn't be so cool with it if she finds I'm a few months off 30. From what I do know about her from her Facebook profile and what I've been told by my boyfriend, she has a similar sense of humour, tastes and personality to the two of us, so I imagine we would get along fine at some point down the line, but his father perhaps not so much. He's not a big fan of his son being gay as it is but he is also staunchly Protestant, so having a gay Catholic (by birth only, I'm the least religious person you'll meet) in his house all the time might make him explode!

Lala73 · 29-07-2014 3:09pm

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP. There's 10 years between myself and my partner. My parents were a bit apprehensive at first but once they had met her they were fine with it. If your partner is good to you and you get along well together, then age is merely a number. As you get older age difference becomes less and less important. I'm in my late 20s and my partner is in her late 30s, most people are shocked when they find out there is over 10 years between us.

Jentle Grenade · 29-07-2014 3:27pm

Lala73 wrote: »

I wouldn't worry about it too much OP. There's 10 years between myself and my partner. My parents were a bit apprehensive at first but once they had met her they were fine with it. If your partner is good to you and you get along well together, then age is merely a number. As you get older age difference becomes less and less important. I'm in my late 20s and my partner is in her late 30s, most people are shocked when they find out there is over 10 years between us.

Thanks Lala. I'm pretty comfortable with the age thing myself. I never really considered it before. As you said it's not really important when you get older and I'm lucky to have a great relationship with my partner. I'll be meeting the parents again this weekend at a christening so hopefully it'll go well too.

Paddy I can understand how difficult it must be for you. My own partner told me at the weekend that she was terrified about meeting my parents for the same reason. As already mentioned it might be easier to meet the mother in a safe place like for coffee etc. Easier said than done I know. I hope it works out for you.

Xenophile · 30-07-2014 6:30am

Unfortunately a much older man in who is in friendship/relationship with a much younger man is often regarded by his peers and own age group as "a dirty old man".

Many older men are looking for the son they never had and many younger men are looking for the "Daddy" they never had.

As I can only see this from a male perspective I say "live and let live", an older man can bring a lot of happiness into the life of a younger man and visa versa. Of course this can lead to a lot of heartbreak for the younger man as the older is likely to die a lot sooner than the younger. I am talking here of a significant age difference which has an attraction for many people, no one really ever knows what is going on in the mind when it comes to attraction in relationships.

Rick_ · 30-07-2014 6:57pm

Deleted User wrote: »

Paddy C, I get the distinct impression from your post, that your boyfriend's mum would love to meet you.

Well, she took it upon herself to add me on Facebook earlier today (as did his sister) and she has been messaging me and chatting away like we are already friends. I assume the next stage will probably be to arrange a meet up between us all at some point.

Age Difference and Meeting the Parents

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