battered and lonely

nualaz · 25-07-2014 12:01am #1

I moved to Dublin 13 years ago from the UK to start a new life. I don't talk to my family anymore, it's a long story but there was alot of abuse involved and I left and no longer have contact. I'm Indian by descent but was born in the UK. Had a horrible life but moved to Ireland 13 years ago to start over and all was good to start. Met a man 8 yrs ago, been together ever since,slowly all my friends disappeared - he didn't want me to have any. I now find myself alone, no friends not even one, he beats me but I have no where to go. I've called the guarss but they tell me that because I have no children there's nothing they can do, there's nowhere for me to go. I don't have the means to leave, what do I do? Please can someone help me please, I can't take much more of the abuse,every time he gets drunk he hits me and I can't do anything to defend myself. I don't know who to turn to or where to go. Can someone please help me

P. Breathnach · 25-07-2014 12:20am

Ouch! You are in a difficult situation. I suggest that you contact Women's Aid: http://www.womensaid.ie/.

Don't just think about it. Do it.

Tokyo · 25-07-2014 1:00am

Hi OP,

firstly you are not alone in this - there are organisations out there ready and willing to help you should you pick up the phone and call them. The first port of call I would recommend is (as mentioned in the previous post,) Women's Aid - they provide support services and information to women experiencing abuse from their partners. As well as the linked website, they have a freephone number (1800 341 900) which operates from 10am to 10pm should you want to give them a call.

Regarding the gardaí - I'm not sure why they would tell you that, as they have a duty of care to protect you if you are being abused - if it happens again then call/walk into your nearest Garda Station and ask to speak to a police officer there to make a complaint against your partner. If you think that you would feel more comfortable, ask to speak to a female officer.

I realise that for you right now, you feel like you have nowhere to turn, but there are always options OP. There are plenty of threads in this forum from women who have been in exactly the same position as you, who have reached out for help. Contact Womens Aid first thing tomorrow, and they will talk to you about the options that are available to you.

blatantrereg · 25-07-2014 4:49am

Wires were crossed somewhere in your conversation with the guards.

Rubberchikken · 25-07-2014 9:32am

if you are serious about making a statement to the gardai, they will and have to, follow it up.
your safety is important.
great advice from the other posters, and if you can, please follow it.

take care.

eviltwin · 25-07-2014 1:20pm

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I am not surprised by your dealings with the gardai, having worked with women suffering DV this is all too common even where there are children.

I would contact Womens Aid as advised above, they can help you over the phone and also provide a one to one service where you can meet with a support worker who will be able to explore your options with you.

I know you feel right now that you are trapped and that there is no where you can go but you can get out of this, your first step though has to be picking up the phone and talking about it. Womens Aid is a free phone number.

CdeC · 25-07-2014 3:17pm

Hi Op,

You walked away from abuse 13 years ago. You can do it again. There are support networks so please follow the links people have provided and ring the numbers.
It will be hard at first but you can do it.

Flippyfloppy · 25-07-2014 3:17pm

mike_ie wrote: »

Hi OP,

firstly you are not alone in this - there are organisations out there ready and willing to help you should you pick up the phone and call them. The first port of call I would recommend is (as mentioned in the previous post,) Women's Aid - they provide support services and information to women experiencing abuse from their partners. As well as the linked website, they have a freephone number (1800 341 900) which operates from 10am to 10pm should you want to give them a call.

Regarding the gardaí - I'm not sure why they would tell you that, as they have a duty of care to protect you if you are being abused - if it happens again then call/walk into your nearest Garda Station and ask to speak to a police officer there to make a complaint against your partner. If you think that you would feel more comfortable, ask to speak to a female officer.

I realise that for you right now, you feel like you have nowhere to turn, but there are always options OP. There are plenty of threads in this forum from women who have been in exactly the same position as you, who have reached out for help. Contact Womens Aid first thing tomorrow, and they will talk to you about the options that are available to you.

Is this necessary??? Waiting for another beating? Op you should just go to a different Garda Station!!! What the Garda said is ridiculous!!

Fiolina · 25-07-2014 4:28pm

Hi OP. So sorry to hear about your horrible situation. You have been very brave by posting here for a start. Please, please do as the above posters say. Contact Women's Aid first and see how they can help. Go back to the guards (or maybe a different station as someone said). I was in your situation and luckily I got listened to and supported by a fantastic (male) guard. They are there to protect you. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best.xx

nualaz · 26-07-2014 10:00pm

thanks for your replies, I will contact womens aid. The guards will do nothing to help unless I make a formal statement and take out a barring order and I can't do that because we live with his mum, ever since I lost my job last yr. She will do nothing to help - the guards have been here many times for domestic abuse since then but she will not back me up, she has witnessed him beating me but every time the gardai have come round, they have thrown me out of the house (he has already disappeared before hand) -even when i've told them what he has been doing and they have seen the bruises,, its his mums house and she takes his side and tells them its my fault and she wants me out, her brother in law is a gardai and I'm a foreigner so have no rights so it seems. They don't seem to care. I am afraid to make a formal complaint because then i will be homeless.

skirtgirl · 27-07-2014 1:51am

Please ring womens aid and pick up the courage to make a statement to the guards. Women's aid will provide the resources you need to get your life back on track. Please do it tomorrow. Take care. x

murphydublin · 27-07-2014 12:42pm

blatantrereg wrote: »

Wires were crossed somewhere in your conversation with the guards.

i don't think they were. My sister lived with a violent man who took her kids out one day while drunk. She called the guards to couldn't comprehend she was reporting her own partner and said im sure hell b back soon. Another time she called after a beating and was told to leave her home because it was his house too and he's entitled to come back if he wants. Useless w*nkers

LegacyUser · 28-07-2014 12:23am

Everyone suggest Womens Aid on here but I am in the same boat as the OP and rang them and because I have no child, all they did was gave me a number for the Homeless. Devastating in the least after my experiences with Homeless Shelters in the past. I'd rather stay where I am than go to one and that's saying something. I wish I could help you OP. I wish I could help myself.

Flippyfloppy · 02-08-2014 8:42pm

So would womens aid prefer you actually bring a child into this situation just so they can help you both? I have no idea about any other options, but I'm bumping this in the hope that someone else does

eviltwin · 02-08-2014 8:49pm

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

So would womens aid prefer you actually bring a child into this situation just so they can help you both? I have no idea about any other options, but I'm bumping this in the hope that someone else does

Women's Aid don't discriminate against women without children but they don't run the refuges, they don't allocate beds. All they can do is contact them but if spaces aren't there then the Homeless unit is the last resort. They will always ask a caller if she has children so the refuge is aware of how many beds may be needed. To be totally honest its really hard to get refuge, women and children are in crisis on a daily basis and there are not enough refuge spaces to go around, it can be hard to find a place. I have no experience of the Homeless Unit but its not ideal however if its a potential life or death situation a woman should always leave, its usually just a few nights until they can sort out some more suitable accommodation and at least she will have the support staff who will be able to talk her through her options. Its unfair and potentially dangerous to give the impression a single woman on her own is refused help because that is not the case.

Flippyfloppy · 02-08-2014 8:58pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Women's Aid don't discriminate against women without children but they don't run the refuges, they don't allocate beds. All they can do is contact them but if spaces aren't there then the Homeless unit is the last resort. They will always ask a caller if she has children so the refuge is aware of how many beds may be needed. To be totally honest its really hard to get refuge, women and children are in crisis on a daily basis and there are not enough refuge spaces to go around, it can be hard to find a place. I have no experience of the Homeless Unit but its not ideal however if its a potential life or death situation a woman should always leave, its usually just a few nights until they can sort out some more suitable accommodation and at least she will have the support staff who will be able to talk her through her options. Its unfair and potentially dangerous to give the impression a single woman on her own is refused help because that is not the case.

I have no experience of them, and you're right, if that's not the case it is unfair to to leave it here uncorrected on this forum for others reading.

Is it advisable to give womens aid a call back, or build the posters with abusive partners up to taking the homeless shelter? What accom is arranged after a few nights, do you mean the women seeking refuge themselves, or is there other help out there?

eviltwin · 03-08-2014 11:50am

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I have no experience of them, and you're right, if that's not the case it is unfair to to leave it here uncorrected on this forum for others reading.

Is it advisable to give womens aid a call back, or build the posters with abusive partners up to taking the homeless shelter? What accom is arranged after a few nights, do you mean the women seeking refuge themselves, or is there other help out there?

It's probably better if the women call the refuge themselves, there is a lot of personal info the refuge will need and it can be quicker but if she can't Womens Aid will do that for her and someone will call her back. It up to the woman to make her own way to refuge but sometimes the gardai can help. Some gardai are amazing, some aren't so its hit and miss. If all refuges are full then the homeless unit is the last resort, I've no idea what that accommodation is like though. The length of time in refuge will depend on the situation and could be anything from one night to much longer but the support workers will help her make the transition.

Neyite · 05-08-2014 4:55pm

OP, I went as a single woman with no children to meet with someone in the local refuge just to talk. It was the best thing I ever did, and my only regret is that I didnt have the strength to go to them sooner. They were absolutely amazing, and for the first time in ages, I felt like I wasnt going crazy, that someone understood the awfulness of the situation I was in.

We honestly cannot tell you what exact services they can and cant provide. But they will give you information on how to access social welfare /community welfare entitlements, legal advice, reporting to the gardai or put you in touch with charities who can help you. They also offer counselling. I was fortunate in that I had family I could stay with when I left, so it was only the counselling I needed, but if you truly have no-one and nowhere to go, I cant see how they cant find something for you. Especially since you are not currently working you might be able to go to a refuge a bit further away from your current neighbourhood.

But thats all very daunting at the moment, and right now you need to take one step at a time - firstly, ring Womens Aid, and make an appointment to talk to someone. Thats all. Then take the next step holding their hand.

I'll add a cautionary note: Dont tell your partner or his mother that you are calling them, or meeting with them. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is if her partner suspects she is trying to leave. So until you have a plan in place, dont tell them.

The very best of luck to you.

battered and lonely

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