Not relationship material?

dandelionmind · 23-08-2011 3:06pm #1

Sorry, I'm new here, but hopefully I'm allowed to post threads

I'm just wondering what peoples' opinions are on deciphering what is and isn't relationship material, when you start seeing someone?

IE. When you meet a girl or a guy you like, or start seeing someone new, what traits or factors would make them seem like good - or bad - relationship material for you? What sort of things would be deal breakers, in terms of taking your relationship to the next level?

Thought this could make for interesting discussion!

I suppose for me, I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with a man who had little or no ambition. In the past, I've dated guys who were like that and I always found I ended up frustrated with the fact they didn't seem to consider their futures or have any dreams or goals and were happy to just ... float.

What about the rest of you?

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 4:30pm

It really depends on the person in question, each person looks for different likes/dislikes and particular traits in others before considering them as prospective partners in a relationship.

Apart from having something in common in the way of interests/hobbies, there are also personality traits that I like in prospective partners.

For me the following would be major issues:

A lack of a sense of humour (unable to have a joke/laugh at themselves)
Unable to hold a conversation (A must for me)
Greed/Money Obsessed (Hate this with a passion)
Bitchiness (Again, cant stand this trait)
Selfishness (Anyone like this isnt capable of a proper relationship imho)
Tightly wound up/Unable to relax (Goes against me being able to relax, I'm a fairly easy going guy, I work hard and put a lot of effort into my work, but when I come home, work stays in work and I like to chill out.)
Hyper Sensitive (Spending your life walking on egg shells around them - no thanks!!)
Bad personal hygieve (A major issue/turnoff for me!!)

I'm no picture of perfection myself and I know and accept that, but if the person in question sees something they dont like in me, we can try to compromise, but if its not possible, then so be it.

I'd rather be up front about these things and they the same so to save each other the time and effort of trying something thats never going to work in the first place.

Thats my 2c anyway..

kfallon · 23-08-2011 4:34pm

I'd rather be with a 'floater' (:pac:) than a woman who thinks life is a set of timelines for certain events e.g.

I need to be married by 30
I need to have kids by 35
I need to be high up in my career by 40

etc etc!

Just take life as you find it!

leonidas83 · 23-08-2011 4:38pm

ToxicPaddy wrote: »

It really depends on the person in question, each person looks for different likes/dislikes and particular traits in others before considering them as prospective partners in a relationship.

Apart from having something in common in the way of interests/hobbies, there are also personality traits that I like in prospective partners.

For me the following would be major issues:

A lack of a sense of humour (unable to have a joke/laugh at themselves)
Unable to hold a conversation (A must for me)
Greed/Money Obsessed (Hate this with a passion)
Bitchiness (Again, cant stand this trait)
Selfishness (Anyone like this isnt capable of a proper relationship imho)
Tightly wound up/Unable to relax (Goes against me being able to relax, I'm a fairly easy going guy, I work hard and put a lot of effort into my work, but when I come home, work stays in work and I like to chill out.)
Hyper Sensitive (Spending your life walking on egg shells around them - no thanks!!)
Bad personal hygieve (A major issue/turnoff for me!!)

I'm no picture of perfection myself and I know and accept that, but if the person in question sees something they dont like in me, we can try to compromise, but if its not possible, then so be it.

I'd rather be up front about these things and they the same so to save each other the time and effort of trying something thats never going to work in the first place.

Thats my 2c anyway..

I take it your still single then

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 4:41pm

leonidas83 wrote: »

I take it your still single then

What makes u think that?

paulmclaughlin · 23-08-2011 4:44pm

Smoker is an immediate no from me. Also drugs. Don't mind drinking as long as it's done occasionally and not too much at one occasion.

leonidas83 · 23-08-2011 4:44pm

ToxicPaddy wrote: »

What makes u think that?

For all of the above to be major issues with you, it would'nt be easy for you to find someone you like being around that much, most people have at least one or more of those issues above, learn to accept that and get over it

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 4:46pm

paulmclaughlin wrote: »

Smoker is an immediate no from me. Also drugs. Don't mind drinking as long as it's done occasionally and not too much at one occasion.

I have to say I'm not a fan of either.. but they wouldnt be a dealbreaker, depends on the type of drugs I suppose.. the odd spliff wouldnt be too bad, a habitual heroin user might be an issue I suppose

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 4:50pm

leonidas83 wrote: »

For all of the above to be major issues with you, it would'nt be easy for you to find someone you like being around that much, most people have at least one or more of those issues above, learn to accept that and get over it

Not at all, I have met and know lots of ladies as friends and been in relationships with a few who haven't any of these and most agree with me on them. A lot of guys I know also agree on the whole sense of humour, bitchiness, greed, selfishness traits aswell.

Which of those do you think someone would have to "accept or get over"??

Dravokivich · 23-08-2011 4:56pm

Some people tend to focus on the "not relationship material" a bit too much. A lot of the above is indicating towards the Cons of someone's personality that would put them off getting involved in a relationship with someone. Maybe it's easier to point out a character flaw that would dissuade you from being involved with someone.

Myself, I find it hard to know if someone, is someone I want to be involved with. Going by positive personality traits;

Smart
Fun
Good Company
Trust

They would be something I'd be looking for in a friend as well as a partner. That little bit more of what ever it is that would make me think a woman is someone I'd definately want to be with, escapes me completely.

gargleblaster · 23-08-2011 5:05pm

leonidas83 wrote: »

For all of the above to be major issues with you, it would'nt be easy for you to find someone you like being around that much, most people have at least one or more of those issues above, learn to accept that and get over it

It seems to me that a few of those are just bad character traits all around (greed, selfishness, bitchiness, bad hygeine) and most people would find them to be hard to tolerate if not outight deal breakers.

About the other things (sensitivity, different sense of humor, tightly wound, poor conversationalist) I agree with you in a way. I think people are just suited to people who are similar to themselves.

dandelionmind · 23-08-2011 5:40pm

kfallon wrote: »

I'd rather be with a 'floater' (:pac:) than a woman who thinks life is a set of timelines for certain events

Well, obviously there can be too much in the opposite direction as well

I wouldn't want to be with someone who meticulously planned out every detail of their life either; You have to be somewhat laid back and go with the flow with certain things. It's crazy to set yourself targets like "I have to be married by the time I'm X/Y/Z" because that often leads to putting crazy amounts of pressure on yourself - and the people you're romantically involved with.

However, in the past, I have found myself not wanting to get in to relationships with guys I've dated who have been happy to take everything really easy. IE. Don't consider their career path or where they're going in life. Guys who don't have any goals to aspire to, or have any desire to create goals.
Basically, for me, a lack of ambition and motivation can be a big turn off.

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 5:47pm

gargleblaster wrote: »

.. About the other things (sensitivity, different sense of humor, tightly wound, poor conversationalist) I agree with you in a way. I think people are just suited to people who are similar to themselves.

I do agree with you here, I dont have or at least I dont think I have traits like these so I wouldn't go for someone who does.

At the end of the day, a lot people but not all tend to end up partners with whom they have a things in common. Could be something as simple as liking the same hobby or it could be very similar likes/dislikes or personalities.

The whole "learn to accept or get over it" attitude to be me seems to be putting pressure on you or the other person to change just to suit someone else and no one is ever going to be happy with that in the long term.

In relationships you do adjust and do accept certain things with your partner, but if its a major thing with you just aren't comfortable with in the first place, then are you really going to be able to accept that in the long term??

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 5:51pm

dandelionmind wrote: »

Basically, for me, a lack of ambition and motivation can be a big turn off.

Thats what I'm talking about. Could you honestly accept if someone said to you..

"oh they are great, could you just not accept or get over the fact that their career isnt that important to them and they are just just not a motivated person?"

Would you settle for something that you're not happy with from the start?

I know I couldn't. But that's just me.

Raekwon · 23-08-2011 5:57pm

ToxicPaddy wrote: »

A lack of a sense of humour (unable to have a joke/laugh at themselves)
Unable to hold a conversation (A must for me)
Greed/Money Obsessed (Hate this with a passion)
Bitchiness (Again, cant stand this trait)
Selfishness (Anyone like this isnt capable of a proper relationship imho)
Tightly wound up/Unable to relax (Goes against me being able to relax, I'm a fairly easy going guy, I work hard and put a lot of effort into my work, but when I come home, work stays in work and I like to chill out.)
Hyper Sensitive (Spending your life walking on egg shells around them - no thanks!!)
Bad personal hygieve (A major issue/turnoff for me!!)

Good list. I'd add:

Low Self-esteem (If you can't love yourself then how do you expect others to love you?)
Shallowness/Arrogance (Can't stand this, especially when it's ridiculously misplaced)
Ex-Issues (Constantly compares you to an ex, can't let go, needs closure, secretly obsesses, plays mind games)
Laziness (Stuck in a career rut yet will do nothing to improve the situation, always complaining about being fat yet eating like an elephant and not doing any exercise).

ToxicPaddy · 23-08-2011 6:06pm

Raekwon wrote: »

Good list. I'd add:

Low Self-esteem (If you can't love yourself then how do you expect others to love you?)
Shallowness/Arrogance (Can't stand this, especially when it's ridiculously misplaced)
Ex-Issues (Constantly compares you to an ex, can't let go, needs closure, secretly obsesses, plays mind games)
Laziness (Stuck in a career rut yet will do nothing to improve the situation, always complaining about being fat yet eating like an elephant and not doing any exercise).

I think some of these are linked to the same thing, self confidence. I have friends, guys and girls who were in previous relationships where their other halves were very dominating and kept their hold on them by constantly putting them down, draining their self confidence and as a result there were definite problems after.

For me they wouldn't be a deal breaker, but I would start things slowly and see how things progressed.

There are only so many issues that a person can handle and sometimes professional counselling is required along with a good circle of close family and friends to support them and to try and get then back to their original selves.

stupidusername · 23-08-2011 8:37pm

the traits that I would look for would mostly be things I'm aware of because of knowing people that are things I'm not interested in. but that's not necessarily bad.

Immaturity is a big one. I can't stand someone who just doesn't have a grown up attitude towards things.
Clingyness. I obviously like a guy to be quite interested, but I hate the feeling of having to be in constant contact with someone, or someone that can't handle me not getting back to them if i'm busy.
lack of ambition. this doesn't mean wanting a highly paid job, it doesn't mean having set life goals, it just means having reasonable amounts of motivation and determination to do things.

a balance between being lax and being serious. I find this one quite hard to get right, and this would be a major one for me, as I get stressed about things a lot and could do without feeling i'm burdening him.

confidence. I know it's someone every one says, but I can't be doin with reassuring someone every two seconds.

intelligence. long term i don't think I could get on with someone not on the same wavelength as me.

lazygal · 23-08-2011 11:39pm

I had to be with someone who wanted the same things as me in life. I wanted to get married and have children, in that order. I went out with guys who "didn't believe in getting too serious" and it was a waste of my time and theirs, I got upset because they didn't want to commit and they thought i was clingy and needy for wanting to settle down.
When I met my now husband we were upfront with each other after a few dates, he didn't want to waste my time or his and vice versa if we didn't want the same things. We got engaged after a year and married six months later. When you know what you want from a relationship, things will be very, very simple and you won't have loads of questions, it just happens naturally.

G86 · 24-08-2011 6:47am

dandelionmind wrote: »

I suppose for me, I wouldn't be interested in a relationship with a man who had little or no ambition.

+1, nothing riles me more than a guy who describes himself as 'laid back', when in reality he's simply lazy with zero direction.

There is nothing more attractive than a confident, hard working, ambitious and assertive guy.

Princess Peach · 24-08-2011 8:28am

Everyone is different! I know a few guys who are definitely not relationship material, yet have girlfriends! I don't know whats going on there, but it must work for them!

Deal breakers for me!

-Has to have a job. Couldn't deal with a waster dole head. I like to d nice things and all I ask is a man who can pay for himself.

-Has to be committed. I'm pretty serious in relationships and like them to have a future, I don't want someone who sees me as a casual fling. I need him to be mature about our relationship.

-Has to have a good past. I know a few guys who are asshole players, how do they still keep getting girls? I couldn't be with a guy who I knew had messed girls around badly in the past.

-Has to want to see me the perfect amount of time. Hard to describe but I've been in relationships where I saw the guy a couple hours a week, way too little. But don't want one where I spend all my time with him and have no friends, like other girls I know.

Respectful- Been in a relationship where he had very little respect for my feelings or intelligence, tore my confidence to shreds. I need a man who is open and honest and tells me about himself and his feelings towards us, and treats me as an equal.

I think everything else I need are personality traits that I won't get into cause I could be going on for ages!

Snowie · 24-08-2011 1:46pm

Those irish mammy types who control men, get away from me..
Gossipy one's.... I dont mind if you do it, don't do it in front of me...

Ones that don't respect my space....

ToniTuddle · 24-08-2011 2:36pm

1) While maturity is of course important in some areas of life I definitely would want them to still act like a big kid at times...cause I am like that.

Nothing better than rolling down grassy slopes on a sunny day in a park just for the craic :pac:

2) They have to like all types of music. Basically not be up their own arse about what music is the only good kind blah blah. If some song makes you happy or creates some emotion for you then who cares who sings it.

3) Have to be into animals and animal welfare. That means dogs AND cats.

4) Someone who isn't going to freak out if you go to hold their hand or give them a hug or kiss in.........(shock horror).....public. :pac:

I'm never compromising on any of these above issues ever again.

I made the BBC · 24-08-2011 4:15pm

ToniTuddle wrote: »

1) While maturity is of course important in some areas of life I definitely would want them to still act like a big kid at times...cause I am like that. Nothing better than rolling down grassy slopes on a sunny day in a park just for the craic :pac:

2) They have to like all types of music. Basically not be up their own arse about what music is the only good kind blah blah. If some song makes you happy or creates some emotion for you then who cares who sings it.

3) Have to be into animals and animal welfare. That means dogs AND cats.

4) Someone who isn't going to freak out if you go to hold their hand or give them a hug or kiss in.........(shock horror).....public. :pac:

I'm never compromising on any of these above issues ever again.

Ah Toni we were perfect for each other up until number 4 :pac:

Snowie · 24-08-2011 4:17pm

I made the BBC wrote: »

Ah Toni we were perfect for each other up until number 4 :pac:

lies bbc and you know it.....

you once coupled up beside my arm..... :eek:
and then you felt my leg theres witness's to

I made the BBC · 24-08-2011 4:22pm

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I made the BBC wrote: »

Ah Toni we were perfect for each other up until number 4 :pac:

lies bbc and you know it..... you once coupled up beside my arm..... :eek:
and then you felt my leg theres witness's to

Your leg got in the way of my hand

Snowie · 24-08-2011 4:28pm

I made the BBC wrote: »

Your leg got in the way of my hand

likely story Feind :pac::p

ToniTuddle · 24-08-2011 9:42pm

I made the BBC wrote: »

Ah Toni we were perfect for each other up until number 4 :pac:

Lies! Ye love displays of affection in public. Sure didn't our boobs come into contact the last time we met! :pac: **

Never again do I want to hear the words "only an idiot would listen to or like that music"....or in relation to any animal "oh them things should be drowned or shot". Or the annoying "grow up".

Never compromising again! If I have to remain single the rest of me life then so be it, I'd rather that than ever have to listen to them feicin phrases again

**during a hug

LegacyUser · 24-08-2011 9:48pm

Princess Peach wrote: »

-Has to have a job. Couldn't deal with a waster dole head. I like to d nice things and all I ask is a man who can pay for himself.

This seems harsh considering there are many non-wasters on the dole at the moment.

Otis Driftwood · 24-08-2011 10:42pm

Id imagine she means people that are on the dole as a lifestyle choice as opposed to people that are on it because they dont have a choice.

Howard the Duck · 25-08-2011 12:00am

Things i look for .

1. Music , She has to like the same kinda music i like. This is because i like going to gigs and i wouldn't want to be dragging someone along that didn't want to go. I'm not a music snob , she can like Katy Perry or Britney Spears just as long as she appreciates the genius of the pixies.

2. Be non-fake, there are too many people out there pretending to be people they aren't. They'll be overly nice and then talk crap about people behind their back. I suppose insincere is what i mean.

3. Like others i'd add bad personal hygiene as well , doesn't need explaining.

4. Sense of humour , not just have a good one but she'd have to get my crap jokes, can't be spending my whole life explaining jokes.

5. Ex-Issues as well, there's a girl i like a lot but she is hung up on a few of her exes. She keeps in contact with them all and always talks about, that would do my head in.

krudler · 25-08-2011 1:37am

Princess Peach wrote: »

Everyone is different! I know a few guys who are definitely not relationship material, yet have girlfriends! I don't know whats going on there, but it must work for them!

Deal breakers for me!

-Has to have a job. Couldn't deal with a waster dole head. I like to d nice things and all I ask is a man who can pay for himself.

as in cant be arsed finding a job, or just happens to be unemployed at the moment? I wouldnt be put off by someone who was on the dole as long as they were trying to do something about it, someone who prefers sitting on their arse watching tv all day is a different story though.

Drama heads are the biggest turn off for me, someone who constantly has to argue or have some big soap opera life going on, fcuk that sh1t. I like things simple, life throws enough at you without bringin it on yourself by being an idiot about situations that could be solved with one conversation.

Not relationship material?

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