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Do you owe the boyfriend anything?

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  • 15-07-2010 7:10pm
    #1
    Handsome Bob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,905 ✭✭✭✭


    I was just thinking about something there, it was an actual post that I saw on boards earlier on that got me thinking about it.

    Here's a hypothetical situation. You know a female well, you are good friends, maybe you might even have mutual feelings for each other,. However, she has a boyfriend. Do you act on your feelings in spite of her having a boyfriend? Since the boyfriend is not your friend, do you owe him respect and refrain from attempting to undermine their relationship?

    Personally, I wouldn't do anything. I would be of the mentality that, if you put yourself in the shoes of the boyfriend, you wouldn't be very happy. Even though we wouldn't be friends, I'd still show the guy respect simply because I would hate it to happen to me.

    I know some of you might say that if the relationship is worth anything, then you will fail and the woman will stay with her boyfriend. However I don't think this mentality takes into account how unsettled you might make someone in a relationship. I know if it was me, I wouldn't want to be around this guy because of the complete lack of respect he had shown me. I'm not even sure I'd be very happy with the girlfriend continuing her friendship with the guy. Now let me make it clear, I wouldn't be issuing any ultimatums but all the same if she continued to be friends with the guy it would damage the relationship in my eyes. Thus, this is why I say the relationship might become unsettled.

    So what say yourselves? As I said, this isn't a real life scenario, these musings of mine were inspired by a post I saw earlier on. :pac:


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    #2
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    Was in a similar situation last year. Girl I went to college with I fancied had a boyfriend. Been together over 2 years but sounded like it was going downhill. She was quite flirty and I reckon something could have happened. One night she semi tried it on but she was really really drunk.

    Nothing happened but it wasn't out of my concern for the guy(or her drunken state lol). I was basically just scared he'd kick the f*ck out of me. I met him once and although not very big I wouldn't have wanted to be looking over my shoulder in a town this size. Or with a demographic of this type :D

    Now they ended up splitting. Was thinking about making a move thenbut I was concerned the boyfriend would have thought I'd been riding her all along if it happened too soon.

    Unfortunately she got a new boyfriend before I decided it was safe to try something on. Have met the new boyfriend a few times and he's fairly sound. So can't go near her now for that reason...doh!

    So before this post gets transferred to the PI forum I'd say no, we don't owe the boyfriend anything. If you've met him more than once and there's a friendly connection you do owe him. Otherwise no.


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    #3
    Snowie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭Snowie


    nope my x gf still owes me a pint and 20 ciogerates :mad:


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    #4
    Handsome Bob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,905 ✭✭✭✭Handsome Bob


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    So before this post gets transferred to the PI forum I'd say no, we don't owe the boyfriend anything. If you've met him more than once and there's a friendly connection you do owe him. Otherwise no.

    PI!? Jesus I hope not, it's not a personal issue. :o


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    #5
    Bottle_of_Smoke
    Registered Users Posts: 9,770 ✭✭✭Bottle_of_Smoke


    LZ5by5 wrote: »
    PI!? Jesus I hope not, it's not a personal issue. :o

    I know lol. I was taking the piss out of my post for rambling about the girl from my course last year :D


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    #6
    Handsome Bob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,905 ✭✭✭✭Handsome Bob


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    I know lol. I was taking the piss out of my post for rambling about the girl from my course last year :D

    Ha no it's cool, at least the relationship with the bloke was going downhill, that's an acceptable loophole in my book. :pac:


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    #7
    Maguined
    Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    If i don't know the guy at all then no i don't owe him anything, but that would not be the reason why i would not go anywhere near this girl, i would not want to be the type of guy sniffing around an attached girl just as i would not appreciate any other guy sniffing around my hypothetical lady, not because i wouldn't trust her, but because i just think its bad manners on behalf of the guy.


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    #8
    Smyth
    Registered Users Posts: 714 ✭✭✭Smyth


    No, it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

    My life is too short to worry about some fella that I don't even know.

    Guys I know? Yeah, makes a difference. It's just ends up being too much bother. Especially if they're intermingled with your friends...in any way.

    That said if I have actual feelings for the girl that negates the above.

    To summise. It depends on how pished and horny I am.


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    #9
    Faith
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 30,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Faith


    I would never encourage somebody to cheat. One of the worst things I can imagine a partner doing to me is cheating. If I liked a friend who expressed mutual feelings, I would encourage them to end their relationship first. If they're not willing to do that, they obviously don't like me enough!


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    #10
    Nervous Wreck
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16,115 ✭✭✭✭Nervous Wreck


    I think moreso than anything, you owe yourself something. If you have feelings for someone, you firstly owe yourself the chance to act upon those feelings but moreover, to act on them in a way that will ultimately lead to your happiness. And acting on feelings you have for someone while they have a boyfriend is going to beget nothing but ill feelings. Because you'll always wonder if one day, you're gonna be where the guy before you was. And chances are decent that you will be. As the saying goes: "Eram quod es, eris quod sum."


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    #11
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    LZ5by5 wrote: »
    I was just thinking about something there, it was an actual post that I saw on boards earlier on that got me thinking about it.

    Here's a hypothetical situation. You know a female well, you are good friends, maybe you might even have mutual feelings for each other,. However, she has a boyfriend. Do you act on your feelings in spite of her having a boyfriend? Since the boyfriend is not your friend, do you owe him respect and refrain from attempting to undermine their relationship?

    Nevermind owning the bf anything is she is your friend then why are you thinking of undermining her relationship?
    Surely she is your friend and you should respect her more then him?


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    #12
    Tefral
    Registered Users Posts: 4,318 ✭✭✭Tefral


    If i were single and didnt know her OH and if i thought even in the slightest that she might be interested in me then i would make her aware that i liked her. If she reciprocates then she wasnt ment to be with him.. thats the way id look at that.

    If i knew the guy then i wouldnt do that because if someone i knew did this to me well... id do things that are unbecoming of a gentleman.:D


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    #13
    Aodan83
    Registered Users Posts: 1,110 ✭✭✭Aodan83


    Don't think I would do anything, not so much because I felt I owed the bf anything, but because it just seems like a kind of cúntish thing to do. Think Thaedydal and Nervous Wreck make some very good points too. I'd feel guilty knowing I had done something like that to some one, and if the friend is happy as she is, then I would have no right to be messing with her relationship.


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    #14
    folan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,630 ✭✭✭folan


    Same reason as OP, put in the boyfriends shoes, it feels ****. and it makes it hard to trust any girl to go out with her male friends again. Trust me. All relationships have their bad patches, some go on for months, but the couple make the decisions. Dont try to help them make one.

    Secondly, i hate cheaters. Full stop. Dont do it.

    Finally, if she was willing to cheat on one guy to get with you, how do you know the same wont happen when the next guy comes along.


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    #15
    source
    Registered Users Posts: 5,269 ✭✭✭source


    I would agree with the op.

    However I would also add, that, for me, it would be very hard to trust a girl if I got with her while she was with her previous boyfriend. They way I would look at it is, if she is willing to drop him for me, what's stopping her from dropping me for the next guy that befriends her? There would always be suspicion of her male friends, which is not healthy in a proper grown up relationship.


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    #16
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,092 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »
    So before this post gets transferred to the PI forum I'd say no, we don't owe the boyfriend anything. If you've met him more than once and there's a friendly connection you do owe him. Otherwise no.
    That would be my take. If I know the guy hands off. If I don't? Game on. But like foinse said I would trust her future judgement far less. Not always though. A lot of women do run one guy into the next(that can be another issue though). The old relationship is dead on its feet, you just kick it over.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #17
    Howard the Duck
    Registered Users Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭Howard the Duck


    In my old job i used to work with this amazingly hot girl. I really liked her although she was out of my league. She had a bf and any time we went for work drinks she would bring him along.
    Myself and her bf became friends against my will :) and then they broke up but because i was friends with her ex i never tried anything.
    Don't really regret it as like i said she was out of my league.

    I think the rule is if you know the boyfriend then leave it but if you don't then you can give it ago. But i wouldn't be comfortable trying it on with a girl that's obviously in a happy relationship.
    It's not that i'm a nice guy it's just that it would be too much effort and i can be kinda lazy :)


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    #18
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,092 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Howard the Duck wrote: »
    But i wouldn't be comfortable trying it on with a girl that's obviously in a happy relationship.
    I would contend that if she's in a happy relationship then youve next to no chance anyway.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #19
    Carlos_Ray
    Closed Accounts Posts: 685 ✭✭✭Carlos_Ray


    No, If I was single I wouldn't feel guilty about trying it on with a girl in a relationship (unless she had a children or I knew her partner).

    On the flip side I wouldn't hold any animosity towards a guy stranger who tried it on with my gf. If my GF does the dirt with a stranger, I'd be pissed at her not the guy...

    When you know the person it changes everything though. It becomes personal, not just basic instinct.


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    #20
    Howard the Duck
    Registered Users Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭Howard the Duck


    Wibbs wrote: »
    I would contend that if she's in a happy relationship then youve next to no chance anyway.

    Yea i suppose..but i would really have to like the girl a lot.


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    #21
    Iago
    Registered Users Posts: 6,638 ✭✭✭Iago


    LZ5by5 wrote: »
    Personally, I wouldn't do anything. I would be of the mentality that, if you put yourself in the shoes of the boyfriend, you wouldn't be very happy. Even though we wouldn't be friends, I'd still show the guy respect simply because I would hate it to happen to me.

    What if she was the woman you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, and by not doing anything she ends up marrying him and being miserable?

    Extreme, absolutely but I'm more trying to show that there are many many shades of grey when it comes to love and relationships.

    While it would seem to be the decent thing to wait until that relationship ends, surely you're only doing right by everybody by telling her and seeing her reaction.

    a) She says, "Sorry I don't think of you like that" and you say cool, we can/can't be friends. The BF never finds out and no harm no foul because it reaffirms what she feels for him

    b) She says "I feel the same way" breaks up with the BF and you start going out. Neither of them are in a relationship that's ultimately going nowhere anymore and are free to start building something that might last.

    In either event everyone is better off, so I think if it had happened to me that I would have bit the bullet.


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    #22
    Handsome Bob
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,905 ✭✭✭✭Handsome Bob


    Iago wrote: »
    What if she was the woman you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, and by not doing anything she ends up marrying him and being miserable?

    Extreme, absolutely but I'm more trying to show that there are many many shades of grey when it comes to love and relationships.

    While it would seem to be the decent thing to wait until that relationship ends, surely you're only doing right by everybody by telling her and seeing her reaction.

    a) She says, "Sorry I don't think of you like that" and you say cool, we can/can't be friends. The BF never finds out and no harm no foul because it reaffirms what she feels for him

    b) She says "I feel the same way" breaks up with the BF and you start going out. Neither of them are in a relationship that's ultimately going nowhere anymore and are free to start building something that might last.

    In either event everyone is better off, so I think if it had happened to me that I would have bit the bullet.

    I see where you're coming from, however I still don't think it's up to me to put a spanner in someone else's relationship. You might confuse the hell out of the woman to the point that she doesn't know what she wants. She may make a rash decision by dumping the boyfriend and end up regretting it. What if you're taking advantage of a rough patch in a relationship where the rough patch doesn't really mean anything? As you said, many shades of grey.


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    #23
    HavingCrack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,847 ✭✭✭HavingCrack


    It all depends on the boyfriend. One situation I was in the boyfriend was an absolute d**k to be blunt and tried to start a fight with me one night over something petty. I ended up kissing his girlfriend that same night because he was being such a bollocks. Another situation the boyfriend turned out to be a really nice lad so I wouldn't have done anythign ot mess up the relationship. In my view every case is different-there's no hard and fast rules.


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    #24
    OS119
    Registered Users Posts: 2,518 ✭✭✭OS119


    LZ5by5 wrote: »
    I see where you're coming from, however I still don't think it's up to me to put a spanner in someone else's relationship. You might confuse the hell out of the woman to the point that she doesn't know what she wants. She may make a rash decision by dumping the boyfriend and end up regretting it. What if you're taking advantage of a rough patch in a relationship where the rough patch doesn't really mean anything? As you said, many shades of grey.

    you don't put a spanner in the works by asking her out, the only way she'll say yes is if the relationship isn't working out, in which you haven't poisoned a happy relationship.

    if she's sufficiently stupid/emotionally uncommitted that she gets 'confused' just because some bloke asks her out then the relationship was on borrowed time anyway.

    nobody 'steals' anyone, people walk away, sometimes in the company of others, buts its voluntary, and its their decision. if they were happy, and didn't want to leave then they wouldn't.

    so no, i would have no qualms about asking out a woman who was already in a relationship - i might make it discreet so the woman didn't have awkward questions to ask from a potentially jealous/possessive BF, and i'd only do it if i thought the risks of losing a friend were outweighed by the potential quality of the relationship and the likely-hood of my effort succeeding, but none of those judgement would include 'is this fair on the other bloke?'.

    if he can't keep his woman sufficiently happy that she wants to stay with him that's not my problem, and i don't owe him charity.


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    #25
    Otis Driftwood
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    So can we take it that you wouldnt have any problem with random blokes hitting on your girlfriend/partner?


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    #26
    HavingCrack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,847 ✭✭✭HavingCrack


    nedtheshed wrote: »
    So can we take it that you wouldnt have any problem with random blokes hitting on your girlfriend/partner?

    It all depends how much it trusts your girlfriend doesn't it???
    If your girlfriend/partner is committed to your relationship she won't cheat on you, if she's not she will. How does a random bloke know she has a boyfriend anyway? I mean my favourite chat up line isn't " so are you single?"


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    #27
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,092 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    nedtheshed wrote: »
    So can we take it that you wouldnt have any problem with random blokes hitting on your girlfriend/partner?
    I never did. I would be more concerned with a girlfriend hitting on random blokes. Then again Im so not the jealous kind. To the point where it has been detrimental in the past :o:) If someone wants to leave me then go right ahead.

    I wouldnt hit on a woman in a relationship if I know the guy. Even if I only know him to see. Rule number one. If Im talking to a woman and it comes up, and depending on how well its going and how she puts it then I'll make the decision yay or nay.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #28
    OS119
    Registered Users Posts: 2,518 ✭✭✭OS119


    nedtheshed wrote: »
    So can we take it that you wouldnt have any problem with random blokes hitting on your girlfriend/partner?

    why should i care?

    as long as she tells them she's not interested i'm perfectly happy - if she is interested then our relationship is over, so why would i care who she gets chatted up by?


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    #29
    Mr. CooL ICE
    Registered Users Posts: 17,510 ✭✭✭✭Mr. CooL ICE


    I was in the situation a few months ago where I tried it on with a girl I had known for a while and really liked, but she told me she was in a relationship, which took me by surprise as despite knowing her for almost a year, she never mentioned anything.

    I quizzed her about why she never mentiond anything. Her reason was that it was an "on-off relationship for a long time". That rang alarm bells and I thought "I really like this girl, I don't know the boyfriend, I'm not giving this up".

    She then began getting flirty with me and one night out, she kept trying to get me drunk. I kinda took this as a hint that her "on-off" relationship was currently off and being a drunken idiot, made a move. She then reminded me that she wasn't single so that was the end of that.

    I later found out that her OH was actually another girl. I did not see that one coming.


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    #30
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,884 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    It´s incredible the amount of men who crack onto women knowing they´re in a relationship and even more incredible (incredible as in annoying) how many don´t take you seriously when you tell them you´re in a relationship and are happy. What´s the deal with that? To be honest, my opinion of a man who´d crack on to me even after saying that would go way down. I´d class you as sleazy pure and simple.


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    #31
    OS119
    Registered Users Posts: 2,518 ✭✭✭OS119


    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    It´s incredible the amount of men who crack onto women knowing they´re in a relationship and even more incredible (incredible as in annoying) how many don´t take you seriously when you tell them you´re in a relationship and are happy. What´s the deal with that? To be honest, my opinion of a man who´d crack on to me even after saying that would go way down. I´d class you as sleazy pure and simple.

    fortunately/unfortunately (depending on your viewpoint) its the product of long experience - i reckon that a good 75% of the one night stands i had as a young man were in a relationship of some sort. the chances that 75% of the women i was attracted to or who were desperate enough to consider sleeping with me were in genuinely open relationships has got to be about nill.


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