Birth mother needs information about adoption

Lillytop, I'm going to give you an honest answer, which may be painful and you may not like it -- but it's honest. I'm a bit puzzled by your given reason for not keeping your child. You say you "can't" keep and parent your child. Why not? "Personal reasons" don't give me enough background to give you good information. Reasons like poverty, incest, child conceived out of rape, currently doing drugs, in a violent relationship, parental/religious/societal pressure -- none of those are good enough reasons to want to give your child over to adoption, sorry. Not today. I'll elaborate on that more.

Let's back up four months and explore what's happened here. In an informed age of birth control awareness, where even in Ireland, one can easily travel to the UK for abortion, it is inconceivable (pardon the bad pun) that women still find themselves facing untimely pregnancies. But let's assume the old "got caught up in the moment and forgot the condom" scenario happened, or it was a case of rape or incest (still, there's always the 'morning after' pill, etc.), you are now pregnant despite all of the choices to not be that are available today.

What about personal accountability? You are carrying a child, regardless of how it was conceived or the circumstances, and have obviously made the choice to carry it to term. Having made that choice, you now have an obligation to parent that child. They aren't disposable playthings, or inconveniences to be rid of once outside the womb. This is what aggravates me about the pro-life crowd: they only care for the pre-born, not the post-born. Once they're out of the womb, they're someone else's problem, unless a profit can be made off them.

Now we'll move on to that last sentence, adoption and why my answer to you is so brutal. I am an adult adopted person, born in Ireland at a time when women had no choices, no sexual education and were forced to give up their children even when they desperately wanted to parent. I was sold to the US along with more than 2,000 Irish children. Then in 1978, I found myself in the same shoes as my mother as a pregnant high school senior in a Catholic School. I don't need to tell you how well that went over. I was also forced to relinquish my daughter through Catholic Charities in Philadelphia.

While both my and my daughter's adoptive experiences were okay (no extremely low points, no great points, either -- just okay), we were both marked by adoption and continue to be to this day. Along with that, by virtue of adoption, both of us became automatic second-class citizens: Ireland and the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania seal the original documents of our birth -- documents to which every other citizen, including convicted felons, have automatic access. Then there's the whole "different" than everyone else in our families stigma, the disconnectedness from family and self...I could go on and on. Adoption, even at its best and most altruistic, always damages and always involves some measure of unresolved loss and grief. Always. Even when the adopted person or natural mother don't outwardly seem that way or think they are affected. Trust me, they are. Adoption loss is, according to the Rev. Keith Griffith, "The only loss for which the whole of society expects us to to be grateful."

Now, you may think that the loss of your child to another couple won't bug you. I didn't think so either, especially when I was signing legal documents still under the influence of the meds I'd be given at delivery (including lactation suppressants), pre- and post-natal hormones, and duress. But as the years went by, that loss became unbearable. There was no closure, like one would get after an abortion, or knowing your child had died (stillborn, newborn, etc.) No funeral, no wake, no grieving ceremony. Just this unresolved loss, trauma and guilt. And it got worse as years went by. It was the same for my own mother.

Now let's take a look at the scenario/industry you're walking into.

Adoption is BIG business. Really big business, world-wide. And it involves a ton of fraud, child-trafficking, and black-market practice. As well as alot of nasty coercion of young, vulnerable women. It's gotten even more desperate and dark as the supply of available healthy, womb-fresh infants is dwindling rapidly. Young women now no longer face societal or religious stigma for being pregnant outside of marriage. More and more women are keeping (thankfully) their children, as they should. Children belong with the mothers (and ideally, fathers) who bore them, not with strangers. There's ample evidence to prove that. Often keeping and parenting a child isn't easy. I raised two after being widowed at age 33. But it was worth the struggle. There are tons of resources out there to help you do exactly that. Only the adoption agencies or even private adopters won't tell you that. Their objective is to get their hands on your womb-fresh "product." Period. And if you don't believe that, you're a fool or have been lied to.

I am not anti-adoption, but I believe it should only ever be used as a choice of last resort, and I mean absolute last -- as in you plan to beat, abuse or neglect your child. Adoption should ALWAYS be about finding homes for children who desperately need them, not about finding children for people who desperately want them. Your baby is not a "cure" for some needy, grasping couple's infertility. You should make every effort to parent your own child. It's what nature intended and what works best.

You will learn more about adoption from those who lived it, or experienced losing a child to it, than any agency will ever tell you, so kudos for at least coming to this forum to ask. But I seriously beg you to reconsider adoption. You may think you're giving your child a "better" life, but you (or anyone else) can't guarantee that. All you can guarantee is they'll get a different life. Money doesn't always make things "better," nor does having two parents of different sexes.

If you need help with parenting resources, please let us know. There are tons of great orgs in Ireland devoted to helping lone parents. It can be done.

And if, at the end of it all, you still wish to relinquish your child, do me one favour. Please do NOT make an adoption plan or contract with ANYONE until AFTER you have delivered, have met and held your child, and are free (as tested by a licensed medical practitioner) of ANY mind- or mood-altering substances. This includes lactation suppressants, pain medications, illegal drugs, and all post-pregnancy hormones (such as oxytocin). Also be sure you have been tested for post-partum depression. Any of these factors can render an adoption contract/relinquishment illegal - you cannot sign legally binding contracts under such circumstances. And if you do it before the birth of your child or immediately after it, it could be considered duress because you have a "waiting" couple at the end of the tunnel. I'm deadly serious. Years down the road, after you've sold your child off to some strangers, don't be surprised when said child (now adult) tracks you down and has his adoption invalidated because he learns you were non compos mentis when you signed relinquishment. Yes, that has happened.

Oh, and choosing an "open adoption"? There is no such legally enforceable thing. Sure, the adopters may say they'll keep in touch, share photos, updates, etc. But once you sign away your child it legally becomes theirs and they are under no obligation whatsoever to have anything to do with you. Over 80% of "open adoptions" gradually dwindle to "closed" within the first few years of info-sharing. That's a fact.

So weigh all this, ask questions, and we'll continue to be brutally honest with you.

Hi Lilly, me again....I obviously didn't read your post properly first time, I missed the fact you're wanting to look for a couple directly and/or arrange this adoption outside of an agency. I can't help you there, although a cousin of mine did arrange an adoption directly with a family, it was over 20 years ago and she's no longer in this country for me to ask her about it.

Sorry I couldn't help and sorry for my earlier post which, I now realise, doesn't answer your question at all.

All the best.

It breaks my heart to think that you feel like you have no other option. I am curious as to why you do not want any agency involved? I hate to think of the people who may take advantage of your situation. How will you determine who the right family are? If you are determined to go down this road please be aware of the roller coaster of emotion you are going to go through. You will need some support for yourself.
My heart wants to say I will look after the baby.

I'd like to echo Olympic's and rinsjwind's expressions regarding using an agency V arranging an adoption privately. I don't know your reasons for wanting to avoid an agency, but I'd strongly advise using one. Not just any one, but one that respects your role in the adoption triangle and recognises the reality of a birthmother's fluctuating emotions - not just in the first few months, but forever.

You have written that you're completely sure adoption is what you plan to do, and I respect that, but I am afraid for you that you might close a door that you could have kept open - even if only slightly open - if you arrange a private adoption.

Forever is a long time, and with adoption, forever is not just a possibility, it's a certainty. You don't know how you're going to feel in 10, 20, 30 year's time, it's possible you'll always feel you made the right choice regarding having your child adopted, but I would urge you to arrange this adoption in a way that allows for freedom of fluctuating emotions - namely an agency being able to keep a record of who you are and where your child goes. Also for someone to be there to keep an eye on your child's welfare - which an agency, a good agency, will do.

Also, please remember the child in all of this, he/she may one day wish to know more about you (even if it's only medical history), or wish one day to get in contact with you, though you can, if you wish, say no to that. It breaks my heart reading this forum because I see so many adopted children (now adults) making enormous efforts to find scraps of information about their birth parents. Please don't make that search impossible for your child, which a private adoption is likely to do. Having your child adopted removes your parental responsibilities in lots of ways, but it doesn't remove them all. Some are still yours and will always be yours.

Adoption is painful for all concerned, please don't make it more painful by closing the door completely, which I'm afraid you'll do if you choose not to use an agency. Please call PACT, they will listen to all your concerns and act in your, and your baby's, best interest. You can walk away if you don't like what they say/advise, but at least give yourself (and your baby) as many positive options as possible. Keep as many doors open as you can, please. xx

If you are due to have your baby in one of the big maternity hospitals you should speak to a social worker there.

I know that this has nothing to do with the information sought in the original post, but there is something that must be said. When I lost my child to adoption decades ago, I was bullied by the intimidating language and rantings of the self righteous. There were dire warnings of the fate worse than death that faced my child were I to selfishly insist on single motherhood. It seems that intimidating language and self righteousness is still around, but is now aimed at those who do not chose single motherhood for whatever reason. We are all aware of precautionary measures, but short of putting every 12 yr old on the pill, how can a girl be protected against pregnancy from sexual assault? The academic language did nothing to disguise the personal anger. We can do no more than our best, and we have not walked in the shoes of the girl who feels unable to keep her baby. Finally, it is not true to say that all children should be reared by the people who gave birth to them. In my line of work I have witnessed many situations where children learned to survive in spite of the women who gave birth to them and would have been much better off with a stranger. Human life is not black and white.

how did this all work out?