workaholic OH

LegacyUser · 22-01-2015 2:30am #1

Lately things between myself and my SO of three years have been difficult. She doesn't really have time for the relationship anymore. She started a new job in August and while there was some time needed for her to adjust, she settled in pretty quickly. Everything was going well, until November when things started to deteriorate.

At the moment, we haven't seen each other in over a month. This is due to her taking on more than she can handle in her job, and she has become overwhelmed. It's been straining us since before Christmas and I've tried to meet her halfway, make her life easier by swinging by her place of work for lunch and meeting up with her on weekends, but now the work has spilled over into the weekends too. Most recently, she put forward the idea of getting together this weekend to relax, and I agreed. Earlier today, I called her to see what she wanted to do, and she told me in no uncertain manner that she had too much work to do, and that it'd take the rest of the weekend. This is the third time this has happened this month, I've lost count of the others prior to the new year. I've suggested that I could visit her at home for a few hours, just so she could take a break, but I got a noncommittal answer. She talked to me late last year about moving in together, but where she was looking is closer to her place of work, and I feel like it'd be a huge mistake given that it'd simply be for her, and that I'd only ever see her late at night for a few hours before she'd be in bed.

I guess my question would be: am I right to be frustrated by this? And what do I do? No matter how I try to talk to her about it she doesn't really understand why I'm frustrated, or the amount of times this has happened. I'd understand if she was trying to make a good impression, but this seems like overkill, to the point where she's agreeing to work on things she realistically doesn't have time for. I just feel drained, no matter how many times she promises me she'll have time the next time around, it never happens.

DeclanJWhite · 23-01-2015 12:26am

Ah, that's very unusual I would've thought, not to see each other for a month...?

I don't understand how your partner can be so busy throughout a weekend that she can't see you for a few hours, as you say, and where you drop by yourself. How can she refuse that? Einstein didn't work so hard on relativity, I'm sure, that he couldn't set aside some time at the weekend to eat...?

Ah, things are terribly amiss. I would speak to her in person, urgently, ask her to speak her mind at length, then you'll know where you stand and can make decisions for yourself. Not having seen her in a month and not really inviting you to drop by over the weekend, on her terms - you deserve infinitely more than that. No one is that busy. Your partner's behaviour requires explaining.

Stavro Mueller · 23-01-2015 12:39am

Another way of looking at this is that she's using work as a way of avoiding seeing you? Being "busy at work" is one of the oldest excuses in the book when it comes to avoiding someone. All you can do is talk to her and try to suss out what's really going on. Is she genuinely too caught up in her job or is she having second thoughts about the relationship?

MagicMarker · 23-01-2015 12:47am

OP, are you sure your OH is still your OH? Because I can think of no job that will take up THAT much time. Maybe it's not that she can't see you, but doesn't want to?

Stheno · 23-01-2015 12:48am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Another way of looking at this is that she's using work as a way of avoiding seeing you? Being "busy at work" is one of the oldest excuses in the book when it comes to avoiding someone. All you can do is talk to her and try to suss out what's really going on. Is she genuinely too caught up in her job or is she having second thoughts about the relationship?

I'd wonder about this too, at the moment I've one full time, and two part time jobs so I work about 24 days a month. I'm also in the final year of a masters so pretty busy with that. I'm transitioning roles at the moment so the three job stuff will soon be just one, just as the masters ramps up

Now I live with my Oh and between his work/family/friends commitments and my schedule we've about two nights and one weekend day for us.

That time is jealously guarded as often times its accepted that we are overcommitted.

It would take something special for it not to be "us time"

And care for each other takes precedent over everything, I've taken time off when I "shouldn't" have to support him, and just evening I needed to go to a and e with a health issue and he dropped everything to bring me and make sure I wasn't alone

Either that, or she's overwhelmed in her new role

DeclanJWhite · 23-01-2015 12:57am

Yes, and if she was overwhelmed in her new role, she would lean on you more, not less; she would be delighted to have you come over for a few hours at the weekend while she's swamped and would want you to bring her food or something.

When a person goes through difficulty, they want to be less alone, not more.

LegacyUser · 23-01-2015 1:03am

OP, is your OH a doctor by any chance?
I can tell you from having one as a housemate that long working hours are par for the course I wouldn't have believed it only for seeing it firsthand. 6 years post graduation, working in a hospital, this housemate was working 80-90 hours a week, on top of studying for a Masters. She just about had time for eating& sleeping, not to mind a relationship. Due to the impact it was having on her personal life- ie: having literally no time to meet prospective boyfriends- she has since left. It's not an easy career, and if you're in it, you really don't have the choice but to do what you're told, when you're told.

beks101 · 23-01-2015 4:08am

MagicMarker wrote: »

I can think of no job that will take up THAT much time. Maybe it's not that she can't see you, but doesn't want to?

I can think of several. Lawyer, accountant, marketing or media worker, medical profession. There are literally tonnes of jobs that are all-consuming, round-the-clock, 'on' 24/7.

I have one of them and I've had similar issues to the OP in my relationship. I can understand how someone who's not familiar with that kind of work culture could construe it as "she's not interested/is avoiding me", but trust me when you're the level of busy where you can barely afford to leave your desk to take a lunch break and find it hard to plan ANYTHING in case a work crisis crops up and you have to stay late/be in early/travel at a minute's notice, it's really not personal.

That said, I know it's cold comfort to the OP as the simple fact is it's taking a big toll on his relationship. OP, I would suggest you sit her down and in a non-accusatory tone, just tell her the affect all of this has been having on you. The disappointment when she cancels plans, the hurt when you can't see her for weeks on end and how it's just not compatible with the things you need in a relationship.

My OH did the same a while ago and we came to a decision about a few things that are within my control, in order to maintain the relationship.

For example, I usually work night shifts once every two months and can go weeks on end without properly seeing him during that time because I sleep during the day/evening. So we decided that I would stay with him for any week of night shifts so that we'd at least get a few hours in the evening together.

We've also started going for runs together. Previously I was a gym-goer and he did his own thing fitness-wise, and that was taking up a good chunk of my free time, which is already quite limited. So we do it together a few times a week when our schedules allow.

Another thing is we work relatively close together, so if I'm starting on a late shift, I will go a little earlier so I can meet him during his lunch break before heading in.

There ARE ways around a busy job OP, but it relies 100% on effective communication and compromise. Neither party can afford to be stubborn or selfish.

Yes, my job gets in the way of my life in a relentless, continuous way, but it's just a facet of the industry I work in, and that's one that I'm passionate about and have worked hard to do well in. But I also love him. If we couldn't make it work, I'd quit in the morning and find something a bit less hectic. It all boils down to how much you both want it to work.

MagicMarker · 23-01-2015 8:55am

beks101 wrote: »

I can think of several. Lawyer, accountant, marketing or media worker, medical profession. There are literally tonnes of jobs that are all-consuming, round-the-clock, 'on' 24/7.

24/7 is one thing. The OP hasn't seen his girlfriend in over a month. That's quite another thing.

There is no job that will have you going 24 hours a day for a whole month, where you're so busy you can't make ANY time for a friends/loved ones. Anyone who allows that to happen is simply choosing to live that way, not because their job requires it of them.

rcarroll · 23-01-2015 10:14am

If I understand this right....she wanted you to move in a few months ago but you turned her down?? I think that's probably why she's so busy. She wanted to take the next step and move the relationship on but you didn't...if it was me I'd do the same and probably think what's the point, the relationship is not going anywhere so why put time into it

Stavro Mueller · 23-01-2015 10:21am

rcarroll wrote: »

If I understand this right....she wanted you to move in a few months ago but you turned her down?? I think that's probably why she's so busy. She wanted to take the next step and move the relationship on but you didn't...if it was me I'd do the same and probably think what's the point, the relationship is not going anywhere so why put time into it

Good point. What sort of discussion did you have regarding moving in together? Was it just the location that was wrong? Who was the one who was looking? Could you not have compromised on the location?

Shrap · 23-01-2015 10:58am

She talked to me late last year about moving in together, but where she was looking is closer to her place of work, and I feel like it'd be a huge mistake given that it'd simply be for her

Yes. How would it be just for her OP? Would it not be for the sake of your relationship? It might cut down on travel times for her to the extent of a few hours? You'd see each other every day (maybe)?

strobe · 23-01-2015 12:20pm

There's no job that's 24/7, that's nonsense. Everyone stops to eat and sleep and masturbate. There's no reason she couldn't be at the least doing those three things and all the other things she does when she's not working, which is regularly, every single day, with you on occasion. She's taking the piss. Time to tell her she's either in the relationship or not.

LegacyUser · 23-01-2015 2:08pm

OP here, thanks for the advice, and just to deal with the question of moving in: she brought this up to me abruptly in a call, I never turned her down but I did say that this was a conversation we needed to have face-to-face, about where to live, how much we were willing to pay, how beneficial to each of our lives it'd be. However, within 24 hours she called me back and had already started making plans on where to live, how much the rent would be, that we mightn't be able to afford it on our own, she began calling potential housemates during her lunch break. I had to talk her down by telling her that, once again, this was a conversation we needed to have face-to-face about what each of us wanted, and that we had to compromise. She didn't seem to want to listen though, and I'd have no problem moving forward, but I was shocked by how aggressively she was pursuing this without my input at all - I was going to see if we could move to a cheaper location, equidistant from our jobs. It started out as a vague 'end of the year' idea that devolved into 'right now or sooner' and it seems to me that if it was in any way a compromise, she'd ease up, but since she isn't, it's more for her than it is for me. After not seeing her for a month, you can see why I needed to put the breaks on the idea, just until we could meet up and talk about it.

iusedtoknow · 23-01-2015 4:02pm

So my wife is a doctor, works 70-80 hours a week, and does one volunteer shift a free clinic in a sketchy part of town and often enough brings work home with her. However...I still see her. She lets me know when her break is , so I go to her hospital and have dinner/breakfast - whatever meal she is supposed to eat at that point in her 24 hour shift. We know around 2 weeks out what her schedule is - and me with my semi flexible working hours can work around that.

Sometimes her work creeps into and through a weekend, sometimes it doesn't. The point is though, that even her work isn't all encompassing. She gets time off, she gets downtime for a coffee etc.

This sounds like it is symptomatic of one of 2 things. Either she can't cope with her work and confusing productivity with hours spent at work...or she is gently (or not so gently) giving you the heave ho.

LegacyUser · 23-01-2015 5:04pm

OP again, just to clarify, when I say 'end of the year' I mean 2015, not 2014. Which makes it that much more confusing, given her haste to figure out a living arrangement, despite her timeline (which she chose) being so far away. Essentially it gave us a year to make the choices and save, but she then forgot her own idea and ran ahead, leaving me with no idea where we stood.

Stavro Mueller · 23-01-2015 7:12pm

I think this has absolutely nothing to do with her job and everything to do with her throwing her toys out of the pram over not getting her way. I'd love to know why she suddenly got such ants in her pants about moving in together and behaved in an almost manic fashion. If I was in your shoes, I'd not have been one bit happy about the way she went about organising this. She was the equivalent of someone determined to drive a juggernaut down a country lane, not caring what damage they might be doing as they made it to their destination. It's not unreasonable to agree on a location that'd suit both of you, the sort of accommodation you'd be looking for, a price range etc. In my opinion, a house-share should be a last resort, especially if there was a possibility of renting somewhere cheaper in another location.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. I've seen threads here from people whose partners have veered from being really full-on to breaking up within a short space of time. It's nearly as if they were over-compensating for their doubts about their relationship and went over the top. Was everything OK in your relationship before this happened? What I'd also be wondering is if she has form when it comes to behaving like this. If you look back over your 3 years together, how did you arrive at joint decisions until now? Has she always been the one wearing the trousers, so to speak? Has she ever taken your opinion on board? It is worrying that she went on this solo run and doesn't seem to have taken time to reflect on what happened. I wonder have you dodged a bullet?

All you can do is talk to her and see where things are going. For what it's worth, I don't believe you were in the wrong for putting the brakes on her plans. Moving in together is a major decision in any person's life and the least anyone can do is discuss what suits both people.

beks101 · 24-01-2015 4:36am

MagicMarker wrote: »

24/7 is one thing. The OP hasn't seen his girlfriend in over a month. That's quite another thing.

It can happen. In the run up to Christmas I got assigned to a special project which consumed my life in every possible way for three weeks. Didn't see the OH, friends and barely spoke to anyone outside of work for those three weeks. Barely ate or slept.

I remember my mother calling me one day, I had a 30 second conversation with her before having to abruptly hang up because the sh1t was hitting the fan in the office and I had to deal with that.

And that's my own dear mother, who matters more to me than any office bullsh1t. When you're working at that sort of capacity and stress level, it doesn't just affect your time and your schedule; it can affect your behaviour and how you deal with the people who matter most to you.

The OP has said that his gf has bitten off more than she can chew work-wise and that she's "overwhelmed". I get that he's suffering here too in a big way and is hurt over how she is making no time for him. And yes, it may be a handy excuse for her to not make the effort because her feelings have changed etc.

But it might also be exactly what it says on the tin - she has taken on too much and is struggling to cope with that. I'd worry for her tbh. You get little empathy from most people around you who have "normal hours" when you work at that kind of level and I don't think it would be fair for the OP to drop a "you're being selfish" grenade into the mix without first talking to the woman and trying to have an honest conversation about where her head is actually at, at the moment.

It might be genuine stress and work overload, or it might be more. OP, just talk to her.

Beaner1 · 24-01-2015 7:56pm

You haven't seen each other in a month? And she doesn't live in some other continent?

I'm sorry but you don't actually have a girlfriend or a relationship. You're single so act like it.

LegacyUser · 24-01-2015 11:42pm

I'm sorry to say that from when I read your post, I straight away thought that this sounds like she has dumped you but hasn't the manners to tell you. Seriously, even Obama couldn't be that short of time. I've done 14 hour days for a month or two at various stages of my working life, but while I wouldn't have time to socialise, I'd make time to meet my partner for food every 3 or 4 days, and have an afternoon off over the weekend. I really believe this is a horrible way of dropping you. I hope I'm wrong, but even if I am, she really needs to cop on a lot.

Sunny Dayz · 24-01-2015 11:55pm

Op you say you haven't seen your oh in over a month? Does that mean that you didn't even see one another over the Christmas??! Very few places stay going work wise at Christmas, most place wind down to a certain extent for a day or so.

Penny Tration · 25-01-2015 3:15pm

Unless she's worked 14 hour days, 7 days a week for the past month, there's absolutely no legitimate excuse for not sparing an hour for a coffee.

tara73 · 25-01-2015 8:43pm

tbh, I think she wants to get rid of you or already is if we would ask her.

havn't seen each other for over a month, not even over christmas time, is really popping the question if there's a relationship at all anymore.

from what you write I think she's one of this people who are not able to live in a relationship on equal terms and respect. she needs to be the boss and you're not dancing to her tunes.

it's always easy to say, not being in the situation, but be glad to be rid of her too.

workaholic OH

Comments