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Future for my wife and I

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    #182
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Op, have you asked your wife out straight if she still loves you?

    It reads as though she checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and is just agreeing to a babysitter to shut you up.


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    #183
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    Jenny Thalia wrote: »
    Op, have you asked your wife out straight if she still loves you?

    It reads as though she checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and is just agreeing to a babysitter to shut you up.

    Yes I asked her if she loves me loads of times and she said yes.
    And just to point out she is not looking for a house on her own. Bizarrely as it may sound our daughters school is not in our town and we are broaching the subject of moving house, bit I've said we have to deal with relationship issues first.
    What gets me is that wife genuinely thinks there are no communication issues, no intimacy issues, we spend us time together (she's counting all 3 of us).
    She says I'm just wound up.
    I know posters will find this hard to believe but she has said recently (without being asked) that part of the reason in moving house, is so that if we have a second child, the house can be closer to the school and more suitable.
    I'm thinking though, what does that reduce me to, a glorified sperm donor???


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    #184
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    Yes I asked her if she loves me loads of times and she said yes.
    And just to point out she is not looking for a house on her own. Bizarrely as it may sound our daughters school is not in our town and we are broaching the subject of moving house, bit I've said we have to deal with relationship issues first.
    What gets me is that wife genuinely thinks there are no communication issues, no intimacy issues, we spend us time together (she's counting all 3 of us).
    She says I'm just wound up.
    I know posters will find this hard to believe but she has said recently (without being asked) that part of the reason in moving house, is so that if we have a second child, the house can be closer to the school and more suitable.
    I'm thinking though, what does that reduce me to, a glorified sperm donor???

    It would seem like it, tbh. She mentions another child, but you have to have sex to make a child, something she hasn't wanted for years. So, what, is she going to just endure it for the sake of getting pregnant?

    If she refuses to communicate, keep going to counselling yourself, because it will help you. But you have to accept that just maybe, she doesn't care enough to fix the marriage.


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    #185
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    She's 41 and hasn't had sex since she was at least 37.

    To conceive at that age you really have to have sex a lot. Any fertility expert will tell you less than twice a week and good luck. You basically need to be doing it every second day around ovulation.

    Do you honestly see that happening? From the sounds of your last post her attitude is diminish, diminish diminish. But I'm not sure how she can diminish this.

    It also sounds like the two of ye are going "That would work if we were to have a second child" but neither of you are actually sitting down and going "Right. How do we make that second child happen? Lets talk timeframe. When do we start the Folic Acid? What month do we start trying after that? How long do we give it? After X months trying with no joy, do we give up or look into Clomid etc?"

    If she's still murmuring about a baby (which I find astonishing but whatever) then she can face having a proper discussion about the mechanics of that happening. And you can risk rocking the boat. Cos you're running out of time, fertility wise. Plenty of women have babies at 40. Not many have babies at 41 and only the very odd one at 42. It just seems to plummet.

    Yet a lot of women go into denial. I have a friend who still renews her pill at 45 in case she's "caught". Even though she only has a period every three months now. No one has the heart to say to her she's probably pre-menopausal.

    So either get busy trying, or abandon the idea to save yourself further disappointment. Have that conversation.


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    #186
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    What gets me is that wife genuinely thinks there are no communication issues, no intimacy issues, we spend us time together (she's counting all 3 of us).
    She says I'm just wound up.

    Oh I'd say she's well aware that there are problems but she doesn't want to solve them. Why should she? In her own mind her life has settled into something she's reasonably happy with. She's got a house, she's got her daughter, she's got you at arm's length where it suits her...

    Would she be open to going for counselling?


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    #187
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Oh I'd say she's well aware that there are problems but she doesn't want to solve them. Why should she? In her own mind her life has settled into something she's reasonably happy with. She's got a house, she's got her daughter, she's got you at arm's length where it suits her...

    Would she be open to going for counselling?

    She thinks it's good for me to go to the counselling. She's not really open to going herself. She has been more forthcoming about a baby sitter, but I think she's quite happy to let this search for a babysitter meander on.
    This morning I registered with an agency and contacted a babysitter who coincidentally lives just down the road. Her profile sounds good. Only problem seems to be that she's only available every second Saturday and it would confuse child to have multiple babysitters if there was a clash.
    Anyway I'll be interested by my wife's enthusiasm when I tell her.


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    #188
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    Anyway I'll be interested by my wife's enthusiasm when I tell her.

    That is not a good way to think about this - again you are setting her up. You are testing her. That's not how you express love.

    If your wife doesn't react the way you want her to, you're scoring points again.

    A lot of people (myself included) would be wary of a stranger babysittingy child. Your marriage won't be fixed by babysitters. Babysitters are not the problem - you and your wife are the problem.

    By all means try to get a babysitter and try to have dates. But not in a way to say "now look what I did!"


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    #189
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    December2012 wrote: »
    That is not a good way to think about this - again you are setting her up. You are testing her. That's not how you express love.

    If your wife doesn't react the way you want her to, you're scoring points again.

    A lot of people (myself included) would be wary of a stranger babysittingy child. Your marriage won't be fixed by babysitters. Babysitters are not the problem - you and your wife are the problem.

    By all means try to get a babysitter and try to have dates. But not in a way to say "now look what I did!"

    I'm just looking for small wins to fix our relationship that's all. I want us to score the points together as a team, but each team member needs to buy in.


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    #190
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    I'm just looking for small wins to fix our relationship that's all. I want us to score the points together as a team, but each team member needs to buy in.

    Your marriage isn't a game in which to score points.

    So far, this is what you've told us about your efforts to fix things -

    She doesn't want sex.
    She won't talk about the issues.
    She won't go to counselling.
    She won't organise a babysitter.
    She won't have any intimacy with you.

    If she won't talk and communicate about the issues in your relationship, it's time to accept that no amount of effort on your part will fix things.

    She might say she loves you, but her actions say otherwise.


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    #191
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    Jenny Thalia wrote: »
    Your marriage isn't a game in which to score points.

    So far, this is what you've told us about your efforts to fix things -

    She doesn't want sex.
    She won't talk about the issues.
    She won't go to counselling.
    She won't organise a babysitter.
    She won't have any intimacy with you.

    If she won't talk and communicate about the issues in your relationship, it's time to accept that no amount of effort on your part will fix things.

    She might say she loves you, but her actions say otherwise.

    That may be true but I'm going to do my best to turn things around.
    As someone mentioned earlier I think we are in a pattern or rut. It's a work, work in house, care for child cycle for the last number of years.
    I'm going to try and create a space for us as I think that's the root cause of the current situation.
    If after all this the situation is still the same well then all you say is true.
    But I'm going to do all I can to make this a healthy relationship for all 3.
    In terms of the analogy about scoring points as a team. I would have thought the analogy was clear and should have been taken in the spirit it was made. Please be more forgiving with my words. I believe some posters on here are getting a bit gratuitous with their comments. Please don't take analogies literally, they're just that. Analogies.


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    #192
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    With that I think, it's time to close the thread. OP, I'm happy for you and the advances you have made - where you are right now certainly seems healthier than your first post here. However, PI is first and foremost an advice forum rather than a discussion forum, and in the last 190 posts, I think all of the advice that can be given has been given.

    As you are probably aware by now, there are no quick fixes for your situation, so now it's time to focus on the counselling and see what improvements that brings. If, after trying counselling, you feel that you could benefit from more advice, then feel free to PM a moderator and we can reopen your thread for you.

    Best of luck,
    Mike


This discussion has been closed.
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