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Workmate to weirdo WTF?

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    #32
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    But i havent been talking about other colleagues!!! its just the managment of how the departments was run and managers. And now most of those colleagues i chated do are left and a manager.


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    #33
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Mc Kenzie wrote: »
    But i havent been talking about other colleagues!!! its just the managment of how the departments was run and managers. And now most of those colleagues i chated do are left and a manager.

    Hey Mc Kenzie - can you spell out (in one line and in English we can read-thats not a snipe-genuinely very hard to read your posts) what the problem is? Still not understanding.


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    #34
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Of course you can make friends, and even make friends of the opposite gender, but you need to be aware that there will always be some men who will see you agreeing to leave events to have a drink together in private as a sign that you are interested in more than just friendship whether you or they are in a relationship or not. Even him asking you to do so should ring an alarm bell that he wants more than just a chat. He even asked you to go home with him ffs!

    And no-one is saying don't talk to people, we're saying don't talk about people. If you tell Joan that Mary is a useless eejit then that gives Joan ammunition later to use against you should she have need of it, gives you a reputation as a backstabber ("Tom, you'll never guess what McKenzie said about Mary!"), makes you look unprofessional and could come back to bite you in the ass if management hears about it. Save your venting about work for your boyfriend.


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    #35
    thefeatheredcat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    It seems like perhaps he was telling you to tone down because actually he didn't want to engage you by joining in on moaning about work all the time. And that he was worn out by having to engage in moaning. But it seems like moaning about work was the only way he could engage with you. And you misunderstood his asking to go for a drink as a need to vent, as in you were projecting your own feelings of work onto him, mistaking his looking to ask you out for a venting buddy.
    Mc Kenzie wrote: »
    everyone all my team were pissed off. This guy never said a word in work. He asked to go for a drink i agreed understanding he prob needs someone to vent to and cant with the others. Well he had far more to give out than i did about colleagues mangers, we had a laugh i guess he needed to get it out.

    And it seemed to have worked, as you validated his moaning by spending more time with him, therefore of course he is going to be resorting to digging up dirt on colleagues from their personal information to try to impress you with, to have your attention, as that seemed to be really only the common ground you had for a colleague with a crush on you to work from.
    Mc Kenzie wrote: »
    I dont even talk to him in work now. And i see him laughing with colleages he had spoken horribly about before xmas. I just really disliked the two face'dness. I just dont want to work with him at all. I feel a real dislike for him now.

    In a way, he has become exactly what you would have had with your former female colleagues, someone you can moan about work with. Except while you moaned about the managers and maybe the printer or computer or how things were organised - and perhaps were constructive in approaching management with it and tackling the issue - he has moaned about colleagues and dug up dirt on them to show you, and sits and bitches and moans with the same people. He really in effect is just doing something similar if not identical to what you were doing yourself (to an extent) but you dislike it because you were creeped out by his behaviour to show you he fancied you and you dislike some of the ways he goes about his moaning.

    All you need to do with the guy is just tell him you're just not interested in him. If you don't like him because he's engaging in bitchy and backstabbing behaviour, that's ok too. But he might only be doing this to impress you, or to fit in with some accepted norm, rather than that being his actual nature, since he avoided that sort of thing.

    Or maybe he could be making a point about how vulgar and off putting constant moaning and two facedness is by presenting it to you, to show you what it was like from his perspective when you were sitting there with your former colleagues at the time. Maybe you should think on that for your next job.


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    #36
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    Theres no harm being friends with the people you work with. I am friends with male and female colleagues. To the extent that we go for tea together, chat together, go for lunch together. We support each other if things are tough and we listen.At christmas we would go for dinner as a group. However this doesnt extend to meeting colleagues of the opposite sex for a drink or texting them a lot outside of work. It definately doesnt extend to leaving a work party or night out to go spending alone time with them. You can be friendly with and supportive of work colleagues without crossing the line. I think thats the part you have blurred. I know you are now claiming you dont but your original post contained so much needless minute detail that I could only skim through it so its obviously something you have over thought about a lot. Your work place sounds gossipy so I'd imagine given you two snuck off in private twice now at work function theres probably stories circulating that you have got it on and thats hardly a surprise to you. even in a work place that isnt over gossipy that kind of behaviour could incite rumours. Im amazed your boyfriend doesnt have an issue with this and I cant understand you being out for drinks with someone you dont like that much while your boyfriend whose company yo ucould be in is texting you to check you are okay.

    anyway my advice:
    - Stop meeting this guy for drinks after work
    - Keep texting to work related
    - Stop leaving work functions to chat alone to him.
    - If he has an issue and needs support / a friend / whatever let him talk to you in work or at lunch
    - Stop using your work email to complain about anything work related be that management or how areas or managed etc as its stupid thing to do your work place are entitled to monitor your email content and will have policies in place to cover this.


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    #37
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    hi everyone. I shouldn't have made this post. I was venting really and was not ideal. I thought I'd get more support on what to do with the situation. o. my part I. learned a lesson. my bf is from south america and is more open minded to have female friends. as iv met some of his freinds who are female and are really nice most in relationships too, therefore I thought I was being small minded about not going for a drink with the guy at work. so I then agreed to go for a drink. I felt I was a listening ear to a friend. anyway it went the wrong way intended. and have kept my distance since.

    oh and apologies to the person who couldn't make sense of my ramblings. thanks for opinions


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    #38
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I think in this situation there's nothing you can do at this stage. While I think you were naive when it came to dealing with this guy and misread the situation, he's partially to blame as well. I mean, he's supposedly in a relationship, you're in one as well. What was he playing at? There's no going back from that text you sent him. Let's face it, who wants to get a text telling them that they're making someone uncomfortable? You hardly talk to him at work now and that's not going to change. Why would you want things to be different anyway? The guy had the hots for you and the aftermath of that was always going to be uncomfortable. For the rest of your time in this job, get in plenty of practice at keeping your thoughts to yourself and not getting involved in office gossip. You'll be glad of it :)


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    #39
    LynnGrace
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,347 ✭✭✭LynnGrace


    HiGlo wrote: »
    Completely agree with this.

    I think some times groups of young girls (not just young I guess!) can get caught up in the "norm" to gossip. Never forget, "those who tattle to you, tattle of you" so you can pretty much assume that people have been gossiping about you sneaking off out of both Christmas parties with your colleague even though you both have partners...... You might think that people didn't notice, or they wouldn't care, but they did and they do... People would most likely be less trusting of you.

    With regard to ranting or moaning about stuff in work, you should be very cautious with this - as your colleague advised.

    I think as missjm says, leave the guy alone.


    The piece I've bolded above should be written up in every workplace IMO.
    I used to work with someone who constantly bad mouthed others (not suggesting for a minute that you are doing that btw), but, as each 'victim' walked away, I used to think about those around her, why can you not see, if she does it to them, she does it to you.

    OP don't be too hard on yourself, but do consider it a lesson hard learned.


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    #40
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi, I'm pretty sure I remember your previous posts about family and housemates. I'm not trying to be deliberately mean, but I think you need to dial back your expectations of people, and what is appropriate to say to - or about - them. I really feel that you expect way too much of people, then get very resentful if your expectations aren't met, and quite defensive if called on it.

    As I said, I'm not saying that to be nasty, this is just how I feel from reading your posts. Of course feel free to say that I'm very wrong, but maybe worth giving it a little bit of thought that this is a possibility. There seems to be a lot of drama in your life from work, home, family & boyfriend. The possibility exists that it may be you, and not not everyone else.


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    #41
    conspiracycat
    Registered Users Posts: 80 ✭✭conspiracycat


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Never forget that if you're sending emails using your company's e-mail address, there's always the chance that someone in management could read them at some stage. I don't know what happens in your company but where I work they're definitely backed up.

    Just look at what happened at Sony :P


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