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Workmate to weirdo WTF?

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  • 18-01-2015 10:29pm
    #1
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭


    Hi Guys,

    I guess this is more something i wanted to get off my chest, but it be good to see some random thoughts i guess. Its a very long winded one. if you can stick it !

    So you get the story here is some background info.

    There were alot off unspoken problems in my work place between the managers, supervisor and my colleagues and I. From Jan last year up untill the summer. me and my female colleagues would chat and sometimes vent in private to get it off our chests.

    Eventually most of my team left, leaving myself and another guy who are the only full time people. From working with him i realized he is very weary of what he says in work even emails. Thats fine i though hes just that kinda person. Im quite a direct person if somethings bothering me ill say something in a firm but proffesional manner to managers, but colleagues ill not be afraid to vent a little if something i dont agree with.
    Iv been there longer than the others so im more aware of things in work that dont change (hence im now looking for new job actively)

    The other guy is where I have a problem.

    We have been mates in work but thats all. Hes asked to have a word in private a few times telling me I should be careful what i say and whom i say it to. he was insisting even not to say anything to our newer colleagues because there freinds with such and such and who ever else.

    I didnt feel particularly worried as i realy have not said or done anything so extreme that i could get into bother. I understood that was him looking out for me , but i laughed it off saying what could they do to me as i have not done anything.


    once or twice he asked to go for a drink via email and i felt abit awkward going on my own as im in a relationship,which he is well aware as he as met my bf twice and i talk about him. Also (aparently he is has a GF too but he has not mentioned her much) so i asked another female colleague to come along also. I dont think he was too happy when i did. We were in a pub and after a friday i had a bit of a moan about work but we changed the subject. when my female coluege went to the loo again he said we should put a lid on giving out about work in front of the other girl. It didn't really bother me then but looking back now, i mean i was out of work being myself feeling free to talk, what was the harm.

    Anyway Before xmas alot of irritating things in work happened. wich everyone all my team were pissed off. This guy never said a word in work. He asked to go for a drink i agreed understanding he prob needs someone to vent to and cant with the others. Well he had far more to give out than i did about colleagues mangers, we had a laugh i guess he needed to get it out. I had told my bf i went for a drink with this guy as we though its ok to be friends with a guy.

    This guy then said we should leave our xmas party and go for a drink ourselves for a propper chat, in other words so he did not have to worry about anyone from work being around, At the time i didnt mind, we had two xmas partys and he suggested this for both. I dont know why i had agreed as the main xmas party we left and i suddenly felt a bit sad we left everyone, whilst he was saying this is much better!

    So i had gone for 3 drinks with him. Each time my BF rang to see i was ok and when id be home. I took the call in front of this guy. The last night we had not had much to drink and i stated i could not stay long as I had not spent much time with my bf. we were talking about something and i luaghed as i called him my bfs name by mistake. He then went oh thank you, why dont you come home with me ..:confused: i cant remember if he laughed afterwards as i just looked away and wanted the ground to eat me up. I felt so uncomfortable that i totally changed the subject. I did not stay long as i actually wanted to be with my bf. I felt more annoyed when i had time to think about it.

    I felt that he was enforcing his views on me to never say anything to anyone in work and jus nod and smile basicly. He had also looked up some info on a colleague about something unrelated to work telling me to look it up! this was too far for me and i really said no to him, thats nothing got to do with me. I had attempted to advise him not everyones out to get him in work.

    He had been sending me these comical messages each morning slagging the supervisor the last week of work , i had stopped replying to as they were every day.
    The next day in work was my last day. Again the text in the morning and he sent another text like that in the day that i never responded to. I had somethings to do that lunch time and he emailed me to meet him. I told him i had things to do and he still went on to ask. I never replied and went on my lunch. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by him i didnt want to spend any more time alone with him after the suggestion joke about going home with him.. after lunch he emailed again saying he wanted to give a xmas card to me. I had given a card earlier to everyone in the team including managers. He said he wanted to meet outside afterwork. I said i was in a rush as i was catching a coach in the next hour i was going home for the hollidays. I agreed that it would have to be breif. I didnt understand why he couldnt leave it on my desk quietly.

    I was in a rush i didnt see him out side the building so i went on with my suitcase to either find a cab or catch a luas as i had no time to be waiting around for him. next thing he was behind me gave me the card. And was walking with me then. I said oh are you going this way too? he said he could go into the city anyway. I felt at this stage he was following me, i said i think im catching a cab and that im in a rush, only then he got the message.

    I felt we had talked enough about work ect what more did he need to moan about. At that stage i felt uncomfortable around him and i was really in a rush. I sent a text explaining what he said made me uncomfortable and that id rather spend time with the whole team rather then cutting ourselves off, I said it was not heathy, he was ringing that weekend saying he never got the text i was with family si i could not talk.

    I dont even talk to him in work now. And i see him laughing with colleages he had spoken horribly about before xmas. I just really disliked the two face'dness. I just dont want to work with him at all. I feel a real dislike for him now.


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    #2
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    That was long, and still I'm not sure I understand what your problem is exactly?


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    #3
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    ha ha, I did say if you can stick it at the begining


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    #4
    Meathlass
    Registered Users Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    He obviously fancies you and wants to get you on your own away from colleagues. He seems to like the idea of conspiring with you about the rest of the team.

    I'd keep my distance. Cut back on the texts and don't meet him outside of the larger group.

    Let him be a hypocrite and don't be so invested in work problems that it consumes everything else. Leave it behind at 5pm.


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    #5
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Way too much unnecessary info, OP. I only read half of it. All you had to say was:

    Guy in work paranoid about saying anything that could be interpreted as criticising his work place. This is completely irrelevant though.

    This is the important bit:

    Guy in work asks you constantly out for drinks and to go somewhere private when out for drinks in a group setting.

    Guy jokes for you to come home with him.

    That's it.

    Are you really that naive? Stop going for drinks with this guy, be civil with him in work but that is it. You are giving him the wrong impression by going out for drinks with him and then leaving group drinks to be alone with him. It's quite obvious he has a thing for you so just cut him out.


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    #6
    Mr. Incognito
    Registered Users Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Seems like he made a joke and you over reacted to me because of you think hes trying to get in your pants.

    He probably is.


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    #7
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I'd hardly call him a weirdo. He's asked you to slope off for intimate drinks on a number of occasions and you have. Of course he was going to chance his arm. If you don't want to encourage him, stop all the messaging and one on one socialising, it couldn't be simpler.


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    #8
    FluffyAngel
    Closed Accounts Posts: 518 ✭✭✭FluffyAngel


    you vent in private with female workers ,but when a colleague asks you to not speak about others and might be advising you to keep it toned down (how private is it when he knows about it ?)


    it reads to me that its a very toxic place to work and you read to me like your one of the top players in this ..
    the only reason you stopped replying to 'slagging' your supervisour was they were everyday and not that there might be hurtful to the person at the reciving end

    He had been sending me these comical messages each morning slagging the supervisor the last week of work , i had stopped replying to as they were every day.

    to be fair asking you for a drink isnt the end of the world ,what is unfair is you not placing boundaries and saying no after the 5th time (even the second time)

    you have a role to play op in this


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    #9
    eternal
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 8,867 ✭✭✭eternal


    The word 'weary' was so misplaced that my brain couldn't muster the strength to see through the passage. But I echo other's sentimemts in whatever vein is prevalent.


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    #10
    seventeen sheep
    Closed Accounts Posts: 776 ✭✭✭seventeen sheep


    Merkin wrote: »
    I'd hardly call him a weirdo. He's asked you to slope off for intimate drinks on a number of occasions and you have. Of course he was going to chance his arm. If you don't want to encourage him, stop all the messaging and one on one socialising, it couldn't be simpler.

    Yeah, pretty much this. He's made his feelings clear, you've (inadvertently, I assume) led him on. It's a bit much calling him a weirdo, when it seems you were perfectly happy to go for all these private drinks etc with him.

    I have to wonder, what if you knew that your boyfriend left all his work parties early to go for private drinks with a particular female colleague who clearly had a thing for him? I am far from the jealous type - opposite end of the spectrum really - but I'd find this strange, and I wouldn't be at all happy with it.

    All you have to do here is cut personal contact, keep communication strictly professional. Nothing more to it. :confused: What is the issue?

    Unless of course it's a case that you're secretly flattered by the attention and don't want it to end ...


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    #11
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    You have agreed to go for a private drink with him three times. It seems to me that he is sounding you out for an affair and you agreeing to go for a drink alone with him all the time is leading him to believe that you're up for it.

    Stop the chat and stop going out with him unless you actually do want to cheat on your BF.


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    #12
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    So much unnecessary information!

    Basically, fella in work things you're ok. He chances his arm and asks you out for a drink a few times. You go. You then leave not 1, but 2 Christmas parties together to go off for a quiet drink without everyone else being around, and you wonder why he is trying to get you alone to say goodbye?

    Are you serious??

    By the way, your work place seems to be a place where everybody talks about everybody....? Everybody is talking about you and this fella going off on your own, twice, at the Christmas parties. And I doubt they're saying you went off for a chat.

    It seems your "seniority" and need to be group leader when it comes to giving out about people has put you in a bit of bother. (You say you left the Christmas parties with him because you thought he wanted to have a rant about someone). Maybe you should take his advice, and ease up on the giving out. Just get on with the job during work hours, and forget it after that. And especially forget it at Christmas parties. I can't imagine anything more tedious than giving out about work and colleagues at a work Christmas party!


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    #13
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    thanks for the replies. sort if it was too much info, I guess it all spilled out and hadn't realized I had wrote so much! ...it wa on my mind.

    at the time I was happy to GI for a drink. I didn't feel this was leading him on as it was clear to him I has a boyfriend and I live with him. and as far as he told me he was in a relationship to,,, so I though it was just as freinds. and I thought perhaps he needs someone to talk to to relieve stress if work. so i really ws trying to be nice. when I realize , he was thinking otherwise o stopped contact. I thought perhaps there was not a problem with having male freinds as my bf has female

    friends too.


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    #14
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    You know, it's funny that you mentioned the male colleague who's wary of what he says in work/in his emails and don't seem to be a fan of that. After reading the rest of what you wrote, I think you'd be better off being more like this guy. It also means he's not getting involved in the office gossip and the politics. Never forget that if you're sending emails using your company's e-mail address, there's always the chance that someone in management could read them at some stage. I don't know what happens in your company but where I work they're definitely backed up.

    Whether you intentionally or unintentionally led this guy on, it's good that this has stopped. You mentioned your boyfriend having female friends. I presume you're OK with that? There was nothing wrong per se with you being friendly with a male colleague but it seems to have been sign posted from an early stage that he had the hots for you. Maybe you didn't deal with it as well as you could have but it's a lesson you've learned.

    Your workplace sounds like a hotbed for gossip - hopefully your job hunting will go well and that you find somewhere happier soon. For your own sake get out of the habit of being involved in office gossip. Sooner or later your loose tongue will land you in a tricky situation. A classic example is how this guy's now best buddies with the colleagues he was bitching about before Christmas. This sort of behaviour's far from unusual I might add. Learn to keep your thoughts to yourself, especially if they involve bitching about colleagues. You never know when your words can be used as weapons against you.

    There are also people who make a point of viewing work only as something they do from 9-5 to put bread on the table. Not some place you go to make friends. You might not agree with that philosophy but I'm putting it out there as a thought to consider.


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    #15
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    You were enjoying the parties, yet you left because you thought he needed to vent. So on some level you must also enjoy the drama of knowing who is giving out about whom.

    It might be better for yourself, both professionally and personally if you lay off the bitching and ranting!


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    #16
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    Im sorry if this was all too much information. I guess i had not realised and it all spileed out as i was writing as it had been on my mind

    thanks for the comments.

    I didnt feel I was leading him on as I had made it clear i was in a relationship and I live with him. And as far as i was told by this guy , he had a gf too.

    I thought we were freinds only and i had given no indication or any behavior that would seem i was leading him on. My boyfriend has female friends too. So i felt it was ok to be friends with a guy that was in a relationship too so going for a drink didnt seem any harm.

    and from my understanding he needed someone to talk to as he couldnt do this in front of others. I was trying to be a friend thats all.

    When i realised how he thought it was more i backed off. I felt overwhelmed when he was texting every day and asking to meet in private thats whiy i felt it was strange.


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    #17
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    Definitely unwarranted to label him a "weirdo"

    I think for whatever reasons you have confused him with the situation.

    I find it a little odd about all this needing to "vent" and "relief stress" via emails and one on ones in private. Maybe you do have a stressful job like the armed forces in the middle east or something or maybe you like drama, gossiping and more drama.

    Rest assured everyone will know about your back biting and gossiping and in the same vein, your slinking off with your colleague each Xmas party wont go unnoticed either and will talked about.

    Hopefully you will learn from your mistakes when you find new employment. Try not to bad mouth or gossip so much and maybe think more on your actions too.


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    #18
    missjm
    Registered Users Posts: 268 ✭✭missjm


    I was going to reply last night but held off as I felt I might sound a bit harsh. This man if anything has tried to help you initially by warning you about who you talk to in the workplace. I'm not sure what age group you are or how experienced you are in the workplace but best practice is 'keep your head down, mouth shut and get on with your work'.

    You seem to have very quickly labelled the man despite being quite happy to go off for drinks with him. I have to wonder about whether you were enjoying the attention etc and then for whatever reason got tired of it and it was a bigger drama to start labeling him the office weirdo.

    I think the best thing you can do going forward is to leave him alone and keep some distance.


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    #19
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    Mc Kenzie wrote: »
    I didnt feel I was leading him on as I had made it clear i was in a relationship and I live with him. And as far as i was told by this guy , he had a gf too.

    I thought we were freinds only and i had given no indication or any behavior that would seem i was leading him on.

    Oh OP, you are so naive. Sorry if that sounds condescending but you need to be a bit more wary when it comes to situations like this. You were leading him on. Not intentionally but you were. Yes you told him you'd a boyfriend but your actions then did not follow through as you were messaging him and leaving group settings to be alone with him. He could have thought that you having a boyfriend didn't matter one bit to him - look how many threads there are on here about people cheating.

    I suggest you stop engaging in office gossip (as much as it seems to interest you) and you'll have a much less complicated life. And don't be so naive in future - he's a work colleague, not a close friend, so there is NO reason whatsoever to be leaving work parties with him to talk somewhere private.


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    #20
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Sounds as though you need to wise up on what is professional behaviour, OP. Bitching and gossiping ain't it - Always comes back to bite you on the arse. There's a way to be up front, and professional, but I have a feeling you don't know the boundaries.

    Keep your distance, and NEVER talk politics in the office. Similarly, NEVER add work colleagues to your Facebook. Make your settings as private as possible.


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    #21
    HiGlo
    Registered Users Posts: 561 ✭✭✭HiGlo


    power pants wrote: »
    Definitely unwarranted to label him a "weirdo"

    I think for whatever reasons you have confused him with the situation.

    I find it a little odd about all this needing to "vent" and "relief stress" via emails and one on ones in private. Maybe you do have a stressful job like the armed forces in the middle east or something or maybe you like drama, gossiping and more drama.

    Rest assured everyone will know about your back biting and gossiping and in the same vein, your slinking off with your colleague each Xmas party wont go unnoticed either and will talked about.

    Hopefully you will learn from your mistakes when you find new employment. Try not to bad mouth or gossip so much and maybe think more on your actions too.


    Completely agree with this.

    I think some times groups of young girls (not just young I guess!) can get caught up in the "norm" to gossip. Never forget, "those who tattle to you, tattle of you" so you can pretty much assume that people have been gossiping about you sneaking off out of both Christmas parties with your colleague even though you both have partners...... You might think that people didn't notice, or they wouldn't care, but they did and they do... People would most likely be less trusting of you.

    With regard to ranting or moaning about stuff in work, you should be very cautious with this - as your colleague advised.

    I think as missjm says, leave the guy alone.


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    #22
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    On a separate note, I'm not sure if you've been appointed any seniority in work or if you've just assumed it due to length of service, but it might be worth leading by example. New people joining a company have no idea of the office politics, as you mention yourself, so they look to longer serving staff to see how things work. If the longest serving are bitching and venting the new ones are going to join in. And on and on it goes.

    Time to change... Stop the bitching. Stop using company emails to give out about others. They can be seen by IT and management if necessary and can be used against you if someone were to make a complaint. We all have a moan about work occasionally, but it sounds like ranting and giving out are as big a part of the job as the actual job itself! And stop going for drinks alone with this fella.


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    #23
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    tinkerbell wrote:
    Oh OP, you are so naive. Sorry if that sounds condescending but you need to be a bit more wary when it comes to situations like this. You were leading him on. Not intentionally but you were. Yes you told him you'd a boyfriend but your actions then did not follow through as you were messaging him and leaving group settings to be alone with him. He could have thought that you having a boyfriend didn't matter one bit to him - look how many threads there are on here about people cheating.


    I was not messaging him. FYI sent. my post I said he was texting me and I had not responded. !! because It was every day I began to distance myself. to be honest I was trying to find freinds whether make or female if this was a girl would u say I was leading her on?


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    #24
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    OP, firstly he is dead right about cutting down the gossiping. That is not on, it's very poor form when done to the extent you are doing it.

    Secondly, you should have copped when his behaviour indicated he wanted more than friendly chats over a coffee or drink. ie, asking for private chats away from the group should have rung a bell and asking you back to his should have had many bells, sirens and flashing lights going off as to his intentions.

    You should have politely advised him that you are happy to go for a coffee and friendly chat with him (if you are that is) but are not interested in anything more. Instead you lead him on in the belief that ye might get romantically involved in some shape or other.

    You swung out here. You need to reflect on you conduct and modify it so that you don't end up here again.


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    #25
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Mc Kenzie wrote: »
    if this was a girl would u say I was leading her on?

    If it was a girl who could potentially be interested in a relationship with you, then yes.

    You even said yourself, first time you went for a drink with him you brought someone else along because you were in a relationship you felt it weird meeting just the two of you. Would you have felt weird if it was a girl you were meeting?

    I don't know if you are really really naive, or if you know now you could have gotten yourself into a bit of bother and you are trying to play down your part. This is how office romances start off. Looks like he might be interested in a bit of an office romance. You're interested in a bit of office gossip. Unfortunately the two have become mixed and now your office romance IS the office gossip!


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    #26
    Chemical Byrne
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,311 ✭✭✭Chemical Byrne


    Office romances are a BAAAD idea.

    Why people even consider them is a mystery. Is it just the excitement/danger element?


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    #27
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    Workmate to weirdoSo basicly dont be friends WTF?


    I work in quite a friendly place its not a corporate environment. i dont understand that people are saying you cant make friends in work and not to talk to any one ....IMO everyone needs someone to talk to about pressures of life/work/ family.

    I was trying to be that and a friend,, Y is that such a bad thing. I was not sending emails either


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    #28
    ABajaninCork
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Mc Kenzie wrote: »
    Workmate to weirdoSo basicly dont be friends WTF?


    I work in quite a friendly place its not a corporate environment. i dont understand that people are saying you cant make friends in work and not to talk to any one ....IMO everyone needs someone to talk to about pressures of life/work/ family.

    I was trying to be that and a friend,, Y is that such a bad thing. I was not sending emails either

    Hold on - Nobody said you can't speak to people in work!! Whether the workplace be corporate or small and friendly, there's a right way and a wrong way to approach people.

    IMO - You should never talk too much about life/work/family. Keep the conversation light and friendly, but don't be too ready to tell people the full strength about yourself. It's nothing to do with work and it's unprofessional behaviour.

    I think you've been a little TOO open and friendly. I'd be dialling it back a bit. Be your normal, friendly self, be discreet and there'll be no problem!


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    #29
    Mc Kenzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 470 ✭✭Mc Kenzie


    I wante dto add i havnt been Bitching!! I never said that in my post.

    I said that i moan abit but i communicate my points or opinion in a professional way to management instaed of not doing anything about it.

    I like to try and be there for people. With this guy i new he didnt want to talk in front of others and i knew he felt he could confide in me so thats why I agreed with him to go alone. When i seen it was going odly i stopped contact


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    #30
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,797 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Mc Kenzie, you're getting very defensive. You felt there was something not quite right about your relationship/friendship with this fella.... You wrote a pretty lengthy post all about it!

    Now when people are pointing out to you why and where it went wrong you're getting all defensive and annoyed. Leaving a work party to go for a quiet drink just the 2 of you can very easily be seen by him, and others as something going on. The question was asked, if your bf did this would you be ok? This fella wasn't even a great long term friend of yours. He was a colleague that you weren't particularly friendly with beforehand.

    Why did you post? And what were you hoping to get in replies?


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    #31
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    Its a very dramatic post.

    Yes-if you dont want to be part of the drama, dont.

    If you dont want to go for a drink with this guy, dont.

    :confused:


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