Ex-Boyfriend kissed mutual friend

OP here. To be honest, I don't mind people saying they think he hasn't done anything wrong, as it makes me feel less embarrassed and humiliated about what mutual friends are thinking.

I think the crux of the matter is that I feel extremely hurt that my ex has managed to move on from a six-year relationship so easily and that he seems to have absolutely no empathy or concern for how tough it's been for me. He has the upper hand as he was in a position of authority over me at work and had been there longer. I have recently left the job as I couldn't stand working with him any longer and the constant reminders of our relationship were just too much. So basically I've had to restart my life all over again, having lost my long-term partner, home, my job and most of my friends, while he's continued living his life exactly the same way he was before, only without me. This was all bad enough, without finding out that he's snogged another colleague.

I get that I don't own him and that he's free to do whatever he pleases - it just hurts so much that he doesn't seem to care about me at all in any capacity. Not only was he my boyfriend for all those years, but my best friend and the person I spent almost all my time with and now...nothing.

I suppose deep down I was also holding a flicker of hope about getting back together at some point once we'd both sorted our sh*t out. I met him in the pub the other night (along with other work friends) and there was definitely plenty of chemistry still there...I don't know what he was at, though. He told me he had some dating app and had had sex with a few women off it and then later told me that was bullsh*t and he'd only been with one, so I don't know was he trying to make me jealous or what. He was also trying to find out (in a 'subtle' way, pretending he didn't care) whether I'd been with many guys since we broke up. The last few times we met up there was definite chemistry/flirting and I got the vibe he still likes me, but perhaps I'm delusional. He rarely answers my texts and seems indifferent as to whether or not I show up at the pub with colleagues. All our work colleagues keep saying how great it is that the ex and I can still be friends and hang out together...if only they knew how much this was all eating me up inside.

Jaxxy wrote: »

OP,

Ask yourself one important question. Could you actually get back with him after all of this? From your last post, I have to admit, he sounds like a total head melt to me. He's telling you stories about girls he's hooked up with, changing the stories, pumping you for information about any conquests you might have had, flirting with you, leading you on, giving you the impression that there might be hope for you after all, and then in the same night completely scuppering those hopes.

Forget about what anyone else thinks. This includes your mutual friends and your shared circle of ex-colleagues. What is most important here is how you feel and how you think.

He up-ended your world. As you say, you lost your home, you left your job, your social circle is in upheaval. He hooked up with someone you knew. If, on the very, very small chance he suddenly decides he made a mistake and wants you back, could you honestly forget about everything that has happened and happily and blissfully continue on like all was well in your world?

I know I couldn't. This kind of interaction, six months after the break up, is not healthy for you. After that period of time you should be moving on, at least in action. You're not doing that, because you have an ex-boyfriend shaped noose around your neck.

Cut that noose. Stop texting him. You're just prolonging your pain. Limit nights out in his company. Do something for yourself and look after your OWN mental well-being.

He hurt you. We've all been there, but life isn't fair. Sometimes we want answers that we'll never get, apologies that we'll never hear. We chalk it down to experience and hopefully don't make the same mistakes again.

He doesn't sound like the kind of guy you should waste any more of your precious time on, former best friend or not. You deserve better.

Hmmmm. Well, in fairness to him, he has not initiated any contact at all. He didn't tell me he'd kissed the colleague, he didn't tell me he'd had sex with someone from internet dating (this came out through a mutual friend) and telling me he'd had sex with several people from the internet dating site only happened after I'd asked him in the pub whether or not he was on it. He didn't exactly volunteer this information. As for why he lied about sleeping with loads of women, who knows? That's pretty out of character for him. He seemed embarrassed by my shock that he used internet dating, so perhaps it was a defence or something. Or maybe he's changed a lot since becoming single and hanging out with his single friends.

I popped into the pub a good few weeks ago all dressed up as I was meeting a friend afterwards for dinner and he asked was I going on a date, I said yes (joking) and I thought I saw his face fall for just a second. He has told me that I need to move on and he wants me to find someone and be happy. He has said he never wants to get back together and that he's happy now, and so am I. Yet there still seems to be something there when we meet, and it's stronger now than before. In the weeks following the breakup, we were both drained and broken (the last year was very, very tough. I was ill and doing a demanding university course and the pressure got too much for both of us...he was sick of 'looking after me') and there was nothing between us but disdain, but now we're both happier, sex drives are back, there is some sort of spark there.

Also in fairness, he didn't up-end my world on purpose. He didn't ask me to leave work or even pressure me to do it - it was my choice because I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with working with him. I've also always been welcome to attend the pub or other events with the mutual friends...it's usually me who chooses not to go to avoid the drama and pain. It's not so much that he has deliberately ruined my life, more than circumstances are greatly in his favour. He had the more senior job, he was friends with our mutual friends first, he had two mates looking for a flatmate who he was able to move in with while I had to go into a flatshare with strangers....he's been a lot more fortunate than me.

The thing is that I have tried to move on. I've been on dates, I've gone to all sorts of hobby groups and meetups. I just haven't met anyone I like who likes me back. I don't know why. Maybe I was too cocky - when we broke up, I was confident that I'd meet someone else and it just hasn't happened at all. If my ex called me now and asked me to get back with him, I probably would, if I'm honest. I try to keep busy doing my hobbies and meeting friends but I feel so lonely all the time. All my previous relationships blossomed from friendship after getting to know the guys and spending lots of time together and I'm not really ever in a situation where that happens anymore. I'm at the age where most people are married or in LTR.

It's all just so tricky and messy. Yes, I treated him badly when we were together. No doubt. I was sometimes really impatient and difficult and mean. But it definitely wasn't ALL me...