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Moving in with someone

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  • 25-11-2014 2:40pm
    #1
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭


    There has to be compromise in a relationship. I know this. But what do you do if you are moving into someone else's house and it has sentimental things all over the kitchen and living area form another woman. She is a friend but still? It bothers me and makes me feel uncomfortable that nothing I have given is displayed and there are items from this woman all over the kitchen and family room. I have tried hinting like asking who this is from and then how about this, and this etc etc. If I just come out and say what I think I know he will feel like he is being controlled or his freedom is being depleted. Plus, what's up with this anyway. The stuff isn't exactly things he would pick for himself and its just so prominently displayed. Someone help explain this to me. I'm not moving into his house feeling so uncomfortable there and I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship with a man who seems to care more for another woman then me. All the items I've ever given him are in the garage. BTW. She is married.


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    #2
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    What kind of items are we talking about? Like clocks and vases and things?


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    #3
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Crets


    Quotes on boards, glass paperweight, decorative stuff that hangs. Plus something odd that I think might have meaning for them both but not sure cause it's a glass ladybug??? Why else would someone give someone else a ladybug? I'm not asking him to not have a friend of the same sex or anything, I just feel uncomfortable with the number of items there are all over and the vact that there is NOTHING AT ALL that I gave him around.


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    #4
    fergie24
    Registered Users Posts: 50 ✭✭fergie24


    Was this stuff not already around the house there before you move?

    You must have been over in his house many times before you moved in and never said anything like where is the Christmas present i got you. Most women i know would prob have re-arranged my house by now.

    Ask where is your stuff you got him.


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    #5
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Crets


    Quotes on boards, glass paperweight, decorative stuff that hangs. Plus something odd that I think might have meaning for them. I'm not asking him to not have a friend of the same sex or anything, I just feel uncomfortable with the number of items there are all over and the fact that there is NOTHING AT ALL that I gave him around.


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    #6
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Crets


    Some of the stuff was there already and some was added as given new. And yes I have asked where the stuff I gave is and was told in the garage with excuses why it couldnt be hung yet. Excuses that dont hold water. I know they are things that are more his taste. I mention them periodically but with out any success. I dont feel I should rearrange because he is very much into not being pushed or infringed on.


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    #7
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    He might not realise that it bothers you- I've found that my fella doesn't really give a damn about what decorates the house. Could you root out the stuff you've given him and discretely replace the items or buy new stuff together?


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    #8
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Crets


    Maybe I can just take one thing out and ask if we can hang it and see where that goes. Maybe even ask if we can get rid of maybe one of her things to make room for one of mine.


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    #9
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    I'm not sure how it is moving into the guy's house when he was there already but as far as my experience and my friends goes the lads tend to give us free range to decorate it how we like it when we moved in to a new place with them- the only thing he was specific about was placement of his consoles. I always like to ask his opinion first but you should make it feel like home to you too...you're living there now.


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Crets wrote: »
    there is NOTHING AT ALL that I gave him around.

    Well assuming you've given him similar decorative items why don't you just ask where the stuff you've given him is? If your moving in then the space becomes yours as well so you need to be able to talk to him about sharing the space as a couple. You don't have to be accusing regarding whom gave him what items but ask if he can remove/relocate a few items so you can add some of your pieces. Are you moving in with no furniture or anything?

    Regardless of where he got the items I would have issue if he refused to move anything to make space for your stuff as it shows he is not ready to share the space and is going to look at it as 'his house' that your living in rather then a shared home.


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    #11
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Crets


    This is giving me the confidence to say something.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    When people move into a place together that one of them already calls home, I think people often miss an important step in considering whether it's right for them or not - they don't stop to address the fact that one will often see the other as an interloper. It's probably a deep-seated aspect of human nature, a bit territorial and defensive, every change feels like a criticism or control, a push away from a previous comfort zone. In the case of reducing the visibility of someone else's stuff you can add on that it looks like they're trying to reduce that relationship.

    I think the missing step has to be addressed first and you have to find out if this is now your *home*. Is this somewhere you are going to be allowed to feel secure, welcomed as an equal, wanted, or is it somewhere you are tolerated, with a limited welcome that will wear out if you act like you belong there.


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    #13
    Crets
    Registered Users Posts: 12 ✭Crets


    Although I still feel uncomfortable with the fact that I have to say something and that he has all her things all over and am not feeling I will move in anytime soon.


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    #14
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    He could be just completely oblivious to the impropriety of it and won't know any better unless you bring it up with him.
    You will have no one but yourself to blame for your relationship not moving on if you don't say something.


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    #15
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Would you not just tell him that you find it a bit intimidating that his house seems full of gifts from another woman, but nothing that you gave him? If ye're contemplating moving in together surely ye're at the stage that ye can have a conversation about this.


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    #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Crets wrote: »
    Although I still feel uncomfortable with the fact that I have to say something and that he has all her things all over and am not feeling I will move in anytime soon.

    To be fair OP if you don't say anything how do expect things to change? If you refuse to move in but don't tell him why then what exactly do you expect to happen? If you didn't like the colour he'd painted the inside of the house would you just put up with rather then saying something? It's his home right now and he's got it the way he likes it but if you move in it's got to change and in order to do that you've got to be able to talk to each other like adults.

    Maybe he just hasn't noticed how much he has around the house from this friend. It clearly feels like too much to you but as it's built up slowly over time for him, he may just not notice or has forgotten who got him what. Yes it's bad forum he's not put anything you've got him out but without knowing either of you or what his place is like we don't know if he is being odd about or just doesn't like what you got him and isn't able to tell you that.

    You can't move in to a space with another person and not talk to them, even people just doing house shares have to talk to each other about sharing the space. Your moving in as a couple you should be able to talk about the house and how you want to share it. If your not ready to have that conversation then maybe it is best you don't move in together for now.


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    #17
    Meathlass
    Registered Users Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    Suggest to him that you both go shopping together to get a few new things for the house to make it your own.

    How's his relationship with this woman? I do think it's strange that he would display this stuff so prominently and not your gifts.


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    #18
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    tinz18 wrote: »
    He might not realise that it bothers you- I've found that my fella doesn't really give a damn about what decorates the house. Could you root out the stuff you've given him and discretely replace the items

    Yikes. I'd advise against that personally, quite petty and a bit odd tbh, for little decorations (and gifts from a friend) round the guys house to just start disappearing and being replaced.


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    #19
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Crets wrote: »
    Some of the stuff was there already and some was added as given new. And yes I have asked where the stuff I gave is and was told in the garage with excuses why it couldnt be hung yet. Excuses that dont hold water. I know they are things that are more his taste. I mention them periodically but with out any success. I dont feel I should rearrange because he is very much into not being pushed or infringed on.

    Were the things you bought him direct replacements for the things she has bought him by any chance? A new paper weight, pictures or things to be hung where the quotes on boards are, etc?


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    #20
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    strobe wrote: »
    Yikes. I'd advise against that personally, quite petty and a bit odd tbh, for little decorations (and gifts from a friend) round the guys house to just start disappearing and being replaced.

    Maybe I phrased that wrong- I mean saying to him "Is it okay if I put this here beside X or instead of X" rather than "I'm moving in here now and I'm actively going to remove everything from this friend and replace it with my stuff because I'm not comfortable with it", the latter could be seen as her taking over the place. I don't mean making everything disappear at random- my bad for not clarifying!


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    #21
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    and if he objects?


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    #22
    Pinkmoon19
    Registered Users Posts: 286 ✭✭Pinkmoon19


    I think you should definitely say something OP. If this is going to be your home too then you need to feel completely at ease there.

    I would have a chat and just say that while you are considering the prospect of moving in there are a few things that would make you feel more at home. Perhaps you could even go shopping for items together?

    He could be totally surprised when you bring it up that it's even an issue, he might be completely oblivious to these things as he sees them everyday and doesn't really take them in.

    If something is bothering you speak up or that little niggle will become a bigger and bigger problem. If you're ready to move in together you should be ready to have conversations like this.

    Best of luck.


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    #23
    tinz18
    Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭tinz18


    power pants wrote: »
    and if he objects?

    I actually don't know what would happen there- I'm assuming some type of compromise would have to be made unless he wants the OP to feel like a guest in the house and can't change anything. I get its his house but if she's paying something towards bills etc she should have some right to make it feel homely for herself or its going to end in disaster- same applies if she was moving into a house-share. The OP needs to sit down and talk these kind of little details out- I know these were all things myself and the OH discussed before we moved in together.


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    #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    power pants wrote: »
    and if he objects?

    Ask why….the OP is moving in as an equal to the house and should be allowed to move some of their items in as well. If the BF has no space then he needs to make room otherwise why agree to the OP moving in? It's always a little difficult moving into a space someone has already been living in so they need to communicate or consider moving to a neutral space (I'm assuming the BF owns his house based in this case otherwise why hasn't the OP already suggested looking for a new place)

    OP does you BF actually point out that this friend got him these things and makes a big deal out of it or have you just noticed there are a number of items that were gifts from them? As I already said all together at once to your eyes it might seem like a lot but if it was stuff given over time he may just not have noticed how many items he has from one person.

    One my best friends moved in with his GF last year and when I called over to see their new place his GF made a comment to me about how for someone who wasn't the best cook he had a some really nice kitchen stuff and I laughed when I realised all the nice kitchen stuff she meant were all gifts I'd given him over a number of years.


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    #25
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    Pretty much ALL the decorative stuff in my fella's place are presents from ex's and female friends, and then ex's who remained friends. There's postcards still up on a wall from 10 years ago, a small painting, a few mugs/platters/ashtrays/candle holders/cushions/fridge magnet, etc. He has no idea that when I was new on the scene, I was examining everything as if it was a clear and present threat, but that's how it was!

    I knew logically that I have many left-over things from ex's as well, but they're more along the lines of a stove (that an ex made), a splitting axe, a glue-gun and a set of dining chairs. And that's the difference between men and women (one of them). We buy our male friends/bf's things to decorate their places (not that they really see them, for the most part), and we get useful stuff from them that never gets looked at either. Then we freak out about the showy stuff that their ex's bought. Have to say, I doubt my ex ever freaked out about the stove and the glue-gun.

    I also think you need to have "the moving in chat" and ask him does he realise you're going to want to change a few things around, and also get over his past. Everyone has one. Try and accept that he will probably continue to get presents twice a year from this woman too - they're friends.


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    #26
    IlmoNT4
    Registered Users Posts: 332 ✭✭IlmoNT4


    I think your focusing too much on something that isnt there.... its just stuff, it doesnt mean anything. Why are you using this to put the brakes on the relationship moving forward? Are you afraid to move in with him? Its a big step in a relationship, take care that whats really going on for you is fear rather than home decorating.

    Focus on the positives of moving in, the rest of it will fall into place. Theres no point in getting upset about cushions and mementos.


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    #27
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    Crets wrote: »
    Although I still feel uncomfortable with the fact that I have to say something and that he has all her things all over and am not feeling I will move in anytime soon.

    if this is your gut feeling you should trust it. if you don't feel comfortable to move in, don't move in. gut feeling is always right in my experience.


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    #28
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Crets wrote: »
    Although I still feel uncomfortable with the fact that I have to say something and that he has all her things all over and am not feeling I will move in anytime soon.

    But you havent moved in yet! I think you are over-reacting to be honest. My partner still wears a chain that his ex gave him 15 years ago. He likes it. She is in his past and I'm comfortable with that. He moved in with various things and I don't think I ever asked him who gave them to him, to me its irrelevant. Its his stuff irrespective of whoever gave it to him.

    I don't get why you seem to be competing with this woman. She gives him crap to put up on walls and shelves, you come along and give him more stuff that likely doesn't even go with the old stuff, and he has no room for all this crap. (disclaimer: I cant stand all that kind of knick-knacks, so I may be biased here)

    What you can suggest is, if he wants you to move in, you both redecorate - to both your tastes, choosing things for your new home together. That way its to both of your tastes. But if you are getting rid of things purely because they were given to him by a female friend, then you do need to see if its a jealousy/ insecurity issue.


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    #29
    Don Kedick
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 778 ✭✭✭Don Kedick


    This might sound harsh but maybe he doesn't like the stuff you gave him? He could just prefer the other stuff. Or maybe he's lazy and just hasn't gotten around to moving your stuff in.


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