22 year old behaving like a 2 year old

Elliottsmum79 · 29-06-2015 3:38pm

shocksy wrote: »

As the poster OU812 has stated, you need to get tough, it's your house, so your rules, she either abides by them or she finds somewhere else to live.

You have every right to go in and get dishes etc, if she doesn't like it TOUGH, let her do it herself daily.

I would do exactly as the poster OU812 said, start by telling her that she has to contribute weekly to the household, if she doesn't don't do anything for her, she will soon cop on and if not tell her to go. She won't find it so easy away from home. I'd go as far as taking the bedroom key away from her until things improve.

Be tough and in control.

Completely. Treat adults as adults. Flatmates would not accommodate a stinky flatmate for long. Shape up or ship out....

Spanish Eyes · 29-06-2015 3:47pm

Sounds to me like the daughter is suffering from depression.

This should be checked out, seriously.

LegacyUser · 29-06-2015 4:34pm

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Sounds to me like the daughter is suffering from depression.

This should be checked out, seriously.

+1

michele101 · 29-06-2015 5:09pm

This must be so stressful for you! However, as many others have suggested, maybe she's suffering from depression? Instead of only speaking to her concerning her input into the running of the house maybe you should speak to her personally and ask her if there's anything wrong because it can be really tough to speak up if someone is suffering with depression.

I'm only 18 but I have done my own cooking, laundry and cleaning since 16 without being asked. I know many people my age don't even know how to turn on a washing machine but at 22 she definitely should. As somebody has already said there are many 22 year olds with their own home and children. Maybe she's still pretty immature and lazy and needs to realize that she isn't a teenager anymore or maybe she is struggling with her mental health and is looking for attention as her cry for help. Either way, I think the only thing you can do is sit her down and sort out the problem before it gets too much for you both. Good luck

OU812 · 19-07-2015 1:00am

How did this work out OP ?

cbyrd · 03-08-2015 2:38pm

Squeeonline wrote: »

Better yet, take the door off the hinges. No rent, no privacy.

I'm going to be a terrible parent some day.

Surprisingly not! I had my now 16 year old in counselling a while back when she was being bullied, she used to stay in her room too and I had most of the OP's problems although she was younger.

I was advised to take everything from her room except her bed and her toiletries. As she gradually accepted the house rules she got her stuff back.

First I took down the door, took her stereo,cds, makeup went to the bathroom, books laptop came to the sitting room and over the weeks and months she eventually got everything back, the door was the last thing to go up.
We had hiccups along the way and privileges would sometimes have to be taken back but overall now shes been great.
She's 16 now, we have our moments but because the rules of the house were laid down she knows where the boundary is. She knows when her room is like a tip I am liable to walk in with a black bag and put everything into it, I mean everything

cups makeup and stuff has gotten ruined. So when I tell her to tidy up she goes and does it. there's no need for it.
In your case OP, you are the adult, it is your house, YOU set the rules.
she can like it or find somewhere else to live. Just because shes your daughter doesn't mean she can take advantage of you.
Take her door down, bag up her stuff and make up the room as a guest room. If she wants it she can pay for the pleasure.
If she was under 18 it would be different but she's an adult and capable of looking after herself.

the purple tin · 06-08-2015 2:30pm

cbyrd wrote: »

Surprisingly not! I had my now 16 year old in counselling a while back when she was being bullied, she used to stay in her room too and I had most of the OP's problems although she was younger.

I was advised to take everything from her room except her bed and her toiletries. As she gradually accepted the house rules she got her stuff back.

First I took down the door, took her stereo,cds, makeup went to the bathroom, books laptop came to the sitting room and over the weeks and months she eventually got everything back, the door was the last thing to go up.
We had hiccups along the way and privileges would sometimes have to be taken back but overall now shes been great.
She's 16 now, we have our moments but because the rules of the house were laid down she knows where the boundary is. She knows when her room is like a tip I am liable to walk in with a black bag and put everything into it, I mean everything cups makeup and stuff has gotten ruined. So when I tell her to tidy up she goes and does it. there's no need for it.
In your case OP, you are the adult, it is your house, YOU set the rules.
she can like it or find somewhere else to live. Just because shes your daughter doesn't mean she can take advantage of you.
Take her door down, bag up her stuff and make up the room as a guest room. If she wants it she can pay for the pleasure.
If she was under 18 it would be different but she's an adult and capable of looking after herself.

Would all that not be a bit extreme for a 22 year old woman? You'll be telling her to put her across her knee and give her a good old fashioned spanking next.

cbyrd · 09-08-2015 4:18pm

the purple tin wrote: »

Would all that not be a bit extreme for a 22 year old woman? You'll be telling her to put her across her knee and give her a good old fashioned spanking next.

Given that my situation was for a self-harming teen with suicide tendencies, the advice I was given was to protect her. I also used this advice to create a better environment for our family during a marriage separation (also within the time she was attending). Everyone knew the boundary lines and when they were crossed the punishment was also a known.
If a therapy group of professionals ( from gp psychiatrist group therapist and her own weekly therapist with the CARI unit) can give me these guidelines to work with within our family unit then its good enough for me.. :rolleyes:
Also, I don't agree with spanking...

DublinWriter · 09-08-2015 5:29pm

I mean really, what is this? Has 22 become the new 11?

Riot acts need to be read, ultimatums need to be given, tough love needs to be adopted.

I might, and I stress *might* give the girl a free pass if she was 19-20, but at this stage it's almost getting to the Japanese situation of having the 'child-monster' live at home in perpetuity, isolated in their own room and mental psychosis.

Jim79 · 09-08-2015 5:44pm

throw her out she wont have any choice about growing up then.
she is 22 thats an adult BTW not a baby anymore!

molly09 · 09-08-2015 7:49pm

Op, you said that your daughter recently finished her degree and started a fas course. If this behaviour coincided with the transition I think following advise such as throwing her out and other threats are fruitless at the very least and possibly damaging.

She probably worked very hard in college for the past 3/4 years and now is doing a fas course. Her college degree may have had more structure and had more people with similar interests, age etc to your daughter. This recent transition obviously is impacting your child mental health (maybe anxiety and/ or depression.). Although she still goes out and meet her friends etc her mood and behaviour at home has changed quiet a bit. Thus is often the first signs of mental health difficulties.

In my opinion I believe she needs to know that she has support and that she is loved. This is a time of uncertatainity in her life , adult or not, that can be difficult for a lot of people.

Be thankful that she is not out doing drugs or driniking excessively and that all she is doing is not tidying her room and housework.

Wabbit Ears · 09-08-2015 8:20pm

Op's child is quite clearly suffering from depression. So she needs to act appropriately.

That said it's also clear the OP doesn't not think her child is an adult and is the source and enabler of her behaviour.

As someone who is all to familiar with depression, How the OP is acting with her daughter is making her feel worse about herself and her life situation and 'getting tough' with her is not the right course of action if she wants to help her child get out of the horrible personal funk she is in.

Elliottsmum79 · 10-08-2015 8:23pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Op's child is quite clearly suffering from depression. So she needs to act appropriately.

That said it's also clear the OP doesn't not think her child is an adult and is the source and enabler of her behaviour.

As someone who is all to familiar with depression, How the OP is acting with her daughter is making her feel worse about herself and her life situation and 'getting tough' with her is not the right course of action if she wants to help her child get out of the horrible personal funk she is in.

I know an answer may seem to jump off the page here but I think we need to be careful of "diagnosis via internet" . "Clearly", may or may not be clearly in reality, it may be any number of mental health issues or indeed none, just a difficult life situation.

I know we are asked our opinions and its nice to point to where an issue might be, but the "clearly" bit gets me. So how about perhaps??! As for not seeing your child as an adult, well I guess that's often an issue for parents in their 80's, your children are your children.

Wabbit Ears · 11-08-2015 4:41pm

Elliottsmum79 wrote:

I know an answer may seem to jump off the page here but I think we need to be careful of "diagnosis via internet" . "Clearly", may or may not be clearly in reality, it may be any number of mental health issues or indeed none, just a difficult life situation.

Clearly a mental helth issue which has pretty much a lot of the hallmarks of depression. If anyone ever asks about how out of tune the Irish are to the symptoms of mental health issues and the absolutely worst way to deal with someone who is having these issues, direct them to the nightmare of bad advice that is this thread.

Old Perry · 11-08-2015 10:31pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

Clearly a mental helth issue which has pretty much a lot of the hallmarks of depression. If anyone ever asks about how out of tune the Irish are to the symptoms of mental health issues and the absolutely worst way to deal with someone who is having these issues, direct them to the nightmare of bad advice that is this thread.

possibly and perhaps are certainly the words to use here. Ignorant of mental health issues is someone who chooses to speak about such issues in definites. dis regarding the fact that we're forming opinions based on a couple of forum paragraphs, teenagers and young adults often display behaviour inline with a whole host of mental illnesses when more often than not it is just a product of changing life stages and hormones, slapping a label on such people will do them more harm than good in this case. 'pretty much a lot ' is a gross overstatement here ( for starters the symptoms are only observed in one confined context) , if any thing, from whats written here, the most you can ddfinitively say is the girl is unhappy and/ or lazy.

Akrasia · 19-08-2015 8:57am

If your 22 year old girl is showing a complete lack of respect for you and taking everything you do for her for granted, then she needs to move out and mature on her own.

Maturity comes with living independently and experiencing the world for oneself. It does nobody any good to pander to poor behaviour and it can be really damaging to make allowances for bad behaviour

If she is depressed, it could be because she's isolating herself. The isolation could be causing the depression and it could be a vicious circle. A change in scenery and moving onto a new adult phase in her life could be the spark that brings her out of depression. A parent can do more harm than good by trying to protect their kids from life. You raised her for 22 years, she needs to go out and make her own way in the world. You can wish her well and support her emotionally and even financially at the start, but you can't live her life for her.

Mystery Egg · 19-08-2015 11:09am

It's time to make a rota.

Explain to your daughter that she has become an intolerable house guest and if things do not change, she will have to move out within 2 months.

Put her on the household rota of cooking, cleaning and laundry, with a once-weekly cleaning of her room a given.

Ask for €75 a week for rent, food and bills.

If she won't agree, get rid of broadband and refuse to do anything or pay for anything for her (including food) and see how long it takes for her to move out.

Michael D Not Higgins · 19-08-2015 11:39am

Just a bit of sleuthing has revealed the OP's daughter is starting a course in nursing and is moving out.

Electric Sheep · 19-08-2015 11:55am

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

This has been suggested earlier. Can you suggest how she can pay rent while on a FAS course?

Get a job? The rent is her problem, not her parents' problem. This sort of "I have to kiss my kids' ass" thinking is the cause of the behavior.

22 year old behaving like a 2 year old

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