What does it mean?

Shanobi · 19-06-2008 1:56pm #1

My long-term girlfriend recently told me she wanted to go on "a break". Now I have my own views on the subject but I just wnated to know what others think as second opinions always help.

When she brought up the subject I was quite taken because I'd been thinkin of moving in together and then eventually getting married. We're both in our mid 20s with good jobs too.

I thought i'd noticed a change in her in the last few months but when I asked her a few weeks ago if there was something wrong she told me no. Now she's asking for a break?!

Does she...
(a) want a genuine break to assess the relationship
(b) want to break up with me and hasn't got the courage to do it so suggesting a "break" is her way of subtly getting to the point
(c) something else??

Please give any views, whatever you may think...

Thanks, and sorry bout the length...

AngryBadger · 19-06-2008 1:58pm

Hard to say.

More information would be handy.

Did she justify her desire for a break, offer any kind of explanation as to what she thought it might achieve?

Colonel_McCoy · 19-06-2008 1:59pm

From experience a break means the end of the relatiosnhip. I might be wrong every relationship is different, but expect the worst.

Sorry.

Shanobi · 19-06-2008 2:04pm

She just said she thought that things had become a bit stale and routined and a break would help her see what she wanted.

MadamMe · 19-06-2008 2:05pm

If you ever watched the episode from Friends where ross and rachael go on a "break" you would know that a "break" is a term destined to lead to grave misunderstandings . . .

Its a way of saying "not now but later".Make sure you know where you stand: togather or not, on or off. Ask her to clarify.

RedXIV · 19-06-2008 2:07pm

I've never had good things come from breaks, others here have though.

Take it as it is but try and keep it defined. ask her does she want it for a week, month, what? is she just looking for time to think or does she have doubts? alot of things SHOULD be said before going on a break so one party doesn't end up completely confused (ie you)

Gross Halfwit · 19-06-2008 2:09pm

More information would be handy as was already stated ...

IMO .. she is either A) looking for some space to assess her feelings/relationship ... have you been talking about moving in & getting married a lot lately? Is she on the same page? Or are you driving the idea? Moving in is a big step. She may be ready for that you know.

Or she is

Looking to break up with you but hasnt got the guts to say it & feels bad acting all lovey dovey with you.

My advice is give her the space she requires.

Does this break have guidelines? Like is fidelity off the tables etc?

AngryBadger · 19-06-2008 2:14pm

As everyone has said, it's virtually impossible to know man.

Establishing exactly what this "break" covered would have been a good idea. I'd be inclined to try and live as a single while you're on this break, it was her idea after all so all bets are off.

Are ye seeing each other muich during this? Is there much contact?

starflake · 19-06-2008 2:17pm

Shanobi wrote: »

I thought i'd noticed a change in her in the last few months but when I asked her a few weeks ago if there was something wrong she told me no. Now she's asking for a break?!

If you've noticed a difference in her perhaps she needs to have a long talk with you and tell you what has been on her mind.

It's a long term relationship, she owes you complete honesty. you're both adults she needs to tell you what she wants, to be either with you or not with you.

Best of look with this OP, hope everything works out for you

redfacedbear · 19-06-2008 3:06pm

Shanobi wrote: »

Does she...
(a) want a genuine break to assess the relationship
(b) want to break up with me and hasn't got the courage to do it so suggesting a "break" is her way of subtly getting to the point
(c) something else?

One possible (c) is she wants to break up but keep you as a safety net in case she subsequently realises she has made a mistake.

Only you know your girlfriend well enough to be able to tell if she is the sort of person who would do (b) or (c).

As has been said; establish the ground rules for the break before you go on it.

Some rules that I would suggest:

As the relationship is no longer heading where you thought it was, you will be using the break to assess things too - make her understand that there is the possibility you won't be there when she is ready to come back.
Agree a decent length of time for the break so that you have enough time to properly assess things - At least a month, I would guess.
There is to be no contact during the break.
The break is to be treated as a break-up - therefore dating others, snogging etc are possibilities - if you decide to get back together afterwards there can be no recriminations because of this.

LouOB · 19-06-2008 3:12pm

Am going to be cruel to be kind here
Sounds like she has her eye on someone else and doesnt want to make a move until you are out of way. By going on a break she is keeping you on the simmer while she sniffs out the other guy, if he is into her.
OR
Your relationship has run its course - sounds like she has not been communicating with you in a while and keeping her thoughts to herself. But you thinking - all good in the hood.

Option: take the time and examine the relationship
if not worth saving - walk away

MJOR · 19-06-2008 3:15pm

Give her a bit of space and see how it goes.

Breaks are usually a sign of a break - up although not always.

Don't contact her ( this will be hard) and let her miss you.

Gone West · 19-06-2008 3:16pm

synonym for breaking up, shes just trying to go easy on you.

g'em · 19-06-2008 3:28pm

FuzzyLogic wrote: »

synonym for breaking up, shes just trying to go easy on you.

Not necessarily. In fact, all the answers given above are possibilities but the only person who can tell you for sure is her.

Right now my own boyfriend and myself are "on a break" (instigated by me) but I dearly hope with all my heart that we'll have the strength to work through it. He was confused at first by what it was going to mean, so he asked me and I explained it to him. I guess for me it was most akin to your answer (a) - the break gives me the space to let my head explore where we are without pressure. We were fighting so much that all our energy was being expended on bickering and not resolving. The break is giving me (and him) a chance to think about how we're going to make things right again. I'm sure my situation is different to you and your girlfriends' though, so you'll need to talk to her to know where you stand.

Keep the lines of communication open between you, give her space but let her know that you love her.

copeyhagen · 19-06-2008 3:37pm

if she wants a break she wants a break, it will either make you or break you (no pun).

you only know what you have when its gone, if after a week or 2 she wants you back then u know its all good, if she doesnt then you know its over.

stern but fair

good luck!

decies · 19-06-2008 3:40pm

sorry mate you had it she does not love you any more.You mentioned you noticed a change in her,think we all have being there done that got that dreaded "want a break".
I wish you well its a big boat your in :mad::mad::mad:

Sugar Drunk · 19-06-2008 3:56pm

I always want to strangle the writers of 'Friends' for creating this 'break' BS.
Personally OP, I dont do breaks. Someone either wants to be with me or they dont. If a relationship has problems I am prepared to talk and work through it but I would not give anyone licence to go on a 'break' and sit waiting for them to decide if they want to be with me or not.
From what I have seen a 'break' is an excuse for not speaking about whats wrong or for wanting to break up with someone but still keeping the option to come back. having your cake and eating it in other words.

if you can, sit down woth your girlfriend and ask her straight whats been bothering or worryinf her and whats making her feel this way. As it at that crucial 'move in together make plans for the future marraige etc' maybe its too much too soon for her? maybe she wants to take it at a slower pace. You wont know until you ask her. But please respect yourself enough not to let her do as she pleases on a 'break' while she decides if she wants you or not

Waccoe · 19-06-2008 4:08pm

Dude, ive strong feelings on this!

If she wants a break, then you give her a F**king break!

Delete her number, do not contact her, go out enjoy life!

New haircut, new clothes, meet your friends

See other women if you want!

Most of all be a Man!

Dude you have to have standards, dont let her f**k with you!

decies · 19-06-2008 4:10pm

Two very good posts above ,well said the both of ye.

vandermeyde · 19-06-2008 4:15pm

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

if you can, sit down woth your girlfriend and ask her straight whats been bothering or worryinf her and whats making her feel this way. As it at that crucial 'move in together make plans for the future marraige etc' maybe its too much too soon for her? maybe she wants to take it at a slower pace. You wont know until you ask her. But please respect yourself enough not to let her do as she pleases on a 'break' while she decides if she wants you or not

Excellent advice.

If she's got something troubling her and needs space to work it out, fair enough, this doesn't require a break, it requires communication and understanding. Maybe she wants to ease back a bit, some people get the jitters when they hit that transition in a relationship where it moves from fun and games to a more serious, move in together, thinking about marriage kinda phase. Legitimate concerns but nothing that ye can't overcome together.

If she just wants to keep you on a leash whilst she heads off to try out a few other fellas before deciding if you're the one or not, personally, thats a line that I wouldn't cross.

It's up to you, but I'd try and get to the bottom of why she wants it, because it's a cop out in my book.

John Mason · 19-06-2008 4:32pm

She has meet someone else and is going to try them on for size and it doesnt work out, she can always go back to you

trust me, i have been there

LegacyUser · 19-06-2008 4:41pm

OP
PLease dont be a doormat, dont give her exactly what she wants on her terms - then you'll have a breakup.

I strongly advise you to tell her to her face - I've been thinking and you're right You can have a break, then just walk away. dont discuss it , just off you go
Dont go ringing her - beggin her - pursuing her - you will seem like a loser
Just go out and have fun (and if she comes back (which in most of cases they do if you act like this) great - no skin off your nose you got your fun too!)

FairyCake · 19-06-2008 4:46pm

Reading through these posts makes me wonder about all the bad experiences you have seemed to have gone through. Are Irish women really that bad??

vandermeyde · 19-06-2008 4:50pm

FairyCake wrote: »

Reading through these posts makes me wonder about all the bad experiences you have seemed to have gone through. Are Irish women really that bad??

It's not a gender thing per se, it's the fact that people who ask for a "break" are generally being disingenuous towards their partner. It's quite simple really, you either want to be with someone or you don't. If you do and you have problems, you work thru them together as a couple. If you don't want to be with someone, do them and yourself a favour and walk away.

Anything else is just horse manure in my humble.

FairyCake · 19-06-2008 4:56pm

I have to respectfully disagree.

Sometimes people need time by themselves to sort their own heads out. The girl could have issues that she wants to work through that have nothing to do with the relationship.

Remember, it's two individuals that come together to form a partnership. Maybe this girl feels that she needs to work on her half of that partnership, and can't do it if the other half is always there. It can be hard to listen to your own thoughts if someone else is there needing your attention.

vandermeyde · 19-06-2008 5:07pm

And I fully respect your right to respectfully disagree

If you've got problems which you want to deal with alone, you can still do that within the constraints, for want of a better word, of a relationship. With communication, understanding and goodwill between both parties nothing is insurmountable.

There should be no need to jettison a relationship just because someone wants some headspace.

In the OP's case, he seems to be in the dark as to the why's and how's this request came about in the first place. This of itself is not a good sign IMHO.

FairyCake · 19-06-2008 5:19pm

Thank you for your respectful agreement of my respectful disagreement

None of us know the intricacies of what's going on in this girls head - it's entirely possible that she herself doesn't know. I just want to put forward the view that she may not be stringing the OP along, her intentions may be genuine.

Of course, there's no law saying that you must stay with the lady. She might want "a break" but you don't have to agree. And by that I mean you could tell her that you want to break up, and finish it completely, I don't mean "don't take 'No' for an answer and stalk the poor woman until she gives in"!

All I will say is don't play games. Whether you think she is or not. Be straight with her and either tell her that you're okay with the break (if you are) or that you think it would be too messy and you can't really handle it and think you should just make a clean break and go your seperate ways.

Zulu · 19-06-2008 5:24pm

OP, I don't understand why so many people require futher information. It's as simple as this:
do you love her? Do you need a break??
I'm assuming the answers are Yes and No to the above. She doesn't have the balls to break up with you, because she likes you. But she doesn't love you. She'd rather be in bed with someone else.

I've been here. Trust me. You don't want to hear it, but after the "break" will come a "break up". She's trying to ease you into it. Your best bet is to prepar yourself for the enivatable. 2 months of a break, hoping to get back with her, to be dumped - just because she doesn't have the courage, isn't going to do you any favours in the long run.

Break up with her - because she doesn't know what she want and you do. Tell her you want to be with someone who wants to be with you, not "someone who thinks they might like to be with you but aren't sure and need some time to be on their own because they can't think straight and their best friend has just split up with her boyfriend and is doing great and are too young at 25 to get married and need to see the world..."

YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, AND WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU.

Chin up buddy.
You'll get through this one, and the next one will be better because of it.

Kirnsy · 19-06-2008 5:43pm

Shanobi wrote: »

When she brought up the subject I was quite taken because I'd been thinkin of moving in together and then eventually getting married. We're both in our mid 20s with good jobs too.

Does she...
(a) want a genuine break to assess the relationship
(b) want to break up with me and hasn't got the courage to do it so suggesting a "break" is her way of subtly getting to the point
(c) something else??

Please give any views, whatever you may think...

i'd imagine that a lady wouldn't be looking for a break if she had moving in/marriage on her mind.

it possibly is cold feet but it is more probable that she is preparing you for a break up.i hope this isn't the case but from a cold cynical point of view...it looks grim

malarkus · 19-06-2008 7:37pm

i feel for you man,
im in a not too different situation at this very moment. my girlfriend has had nothing but bad history with previous boyfriends especially when one half goes on holidays.
were madly in love but shes going away for 6 weeks and said shed have a better conscience (spelling??) if we were on a break while shes away. in her view shes afraid well both be hurt if something were to happen,say drunkenly, on her part but i strongly disagree.
we aint gonna see each other anyway so if its time to clear her head she has it, the idea that she wants, in my opinion, a guilt-free license sickens me. ive told her no but she refuses to listen to my arguements and says its her past and she cant do anything about it.
sorry for taking over with my own problem but if anyone has an opinion id like to hear it as ive run out of steam on this and it would be unbearable to let her go.

moridin · 19-06-2008 7:59pm

malarkus wrote: »

i feel for you man,
im in a not too different situation at this very moment. my girlfriend has had nothing but bad history with previous boyfriends especially when one half goes on holidays.
were madly in love but shes going away for 6 weeks and said shed have a better conscience (spelling??) if we were on a break while shes away. in her view shes afraid well both be hurt if something were to happen,say drunkenly, on her part but i strongly disagree.
we aint gonna see each other anyway so if its time to clear her head she has it, the idea that she wants, in my opinion, a guilt-free license sickens me. ive told her no but she refuses to listen to my arguements and says its her past and she cant do anything about it.
sorry for taking over with my own problem but if anyone has an opinion id like to hear it as ive run out of steam on this and it would be unbearable to let her go.

Dude, if she can't trust herself to keep her knickers on when she's drunk and on the piss with her buddies on holidays then you can't either. She's basically told you "I want to be able to have casual sex while I'm on holiday", and wants to make herself feel better about it by denying that she's in a relationship.

While I do believe it's possible to get incredibly drunk and not remember much of the night before, I don't think it's possible to lose so much of your self awareness that you end up doing something that you know is wrong.

You need a serious chat with her I think.

Wibbs · 19-06-2008 8:23pm

g'em wrote: »

Not necessarily. In fact, all the answers given above are possibilities but the only person who can tell you for sure is her.

Right now my own boyfriend and myself are "on a break" (instigated by me) but I dearly hope with all my heart that we'll have the strength to work through it. He was confused at first by what it was going to mean, so he asked me and I explained it to him. I guess for me it was most akin to your answer (a) - the break gives me the space to let my head explore where we are without pressure. We were fighting so much that all our energy was being expended on bickering and not resolving. The break is giving me (and him) a chance to think about how we're going to make things right again. I'm sure my situation is different to you and your girlfriends' though, so you'll need to talk to her to know where you stand.

Keep the lines of communication open between you, give her space but let her know that you love her.

This is good example of a couple having some issues that are resolvable, but may have driven a wedge between them for the moment. Issues that require some head space for both of them. It's also an example of someone being very adult and responsible in seeking that head space, with full disclosure about how both are feeling, especially the one looking for the break and clearly meaning it. And if someone was on the recieving end of such a break, it would naturally be a anxious time but also time for moving forward. The fact that she is still invested in the relationship and there's no one else is also a biggy. That's how it should be done in an ideal world and fair play.

IMHO Sadly it's also a rarity.......

In most cases, especially with what the OP has written it's usually more than the above. The change in her is probably her emotionally distancing herself, probably the sex side of the relationship is either dropped off in frequency or feels like going through the motions for her. The arguments have increased, with her picking more of them.

Now you will hear people say they just fell out of love. Yes that can happen, but there is usually a reason. 99% of the time. After all for a good proportion of the relationship she thought this was forever. What changed her mind?

I would say that the reason for this change in her is an unresolved issue that has come up before. An issue that you may have ignored or argued about but then thought was sorted. Lets pick an example out of the hat. It could be any number of things but chances are you know what's eating her(Funny enough it's often something that she decided to ignore when you first went out and were in the "in love" phase. Unless that issue changes then it'll often come back to haunt you both).

Lets say she's unhappy because you don't go out as a couple as much as you did. She mentions this a few times, but it largely passes you by. You have arguments about it, but they appear resolved to you and you go back to the way it was, maybe with some short term movement towards her point of view. The resentment builds up until it gets to the point where you finally see this change.

The starting point for that change in her happened a good while before you spotted it. I would put a fair few quid on that and I'm a cheapskate.

The resentment over the issue slowly eats at her and slowly pushes the love she has for you as her partner(not always as a person).

It's at this point where consciously or not, she will have her eye open for options. IE leaving you or another guy. In the case of another guy it will usually be someone who appears to offer her the very thing she thinks you can't. In the hypothetical example above, maybe a guy who goes out more etc. Of course he may not and end up being a rebound, but the newness has a certain shine to it.

Now she will work on you as a couple up to that point as she may feel bad for leaving you or feel unsure about being on her own(more common with women). If there is another guy that fear of being on her own is less and she will call for a break to see how she feels about you and or another guy.

My advice would be to figure out what it is that's bugging her. If it's obviously fixable then do so. Don't tell her either. Show her. Give her space, but I would work on the principle that it's over, or at least the relationship you did have together has changed, maybe for good.

Give her space. Move on your own head and if she does come back then start the relationship afresh. Don't wait too long though to leave the past behind.

Wibbs · 19-06-2008 8:25pm

moridin wrote: »

Dude, if she can't trust herself to keep her knickers on when she's drunk and on the piss with her buddies on holidays then you can't either. She's basically told you "I want to be able to have casual sex while I'm on holiday", and wants to make herself feel better about it by denying that she's in a relationship.

Agreed. You're being forcefed high quality BS there.

What does it mean?

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