Painful breakup

Damzilla · 09-05-2008 2:14pm #1

Hi

I am new to this site so please be gentle.

I'm in the process of going through a very painful break up at the moment. We have been together for seven years but he decided at the weekend that it was over and has moved out. I don't think there is a way back for us as we have been having ups and downs over the last year or so.

The main reason for the spilt is that he said his feelings have changed:( and that too much has happened for us to get back what we had.

I miss him a lot and am very scared about the future. We have a house together and unfortunately niether of us are in a position to buy the other out so the house will have to be sold which is going to be a long process. I don't want to leave the house in the mean time as it is my home and it would be even more painful to have to leave that as well.

I don't know what is going to happen in the next few months. He wants to talk but I have said that is just too hard for me to listen to him pour his heart out and then walk away. It is just messing with my head. So we do need to talk about the house but I'm not ready to talk about us at the moment.

I'm all over the place at the moment. One minute I'm feeling strong and the next I am really upset. I have a good support network of family and friends around me who have been great but it is still really hard at the moment. I know it is early days.

I suppose I just wanted to get it out rather then ask for advise but if anyone has any experiences of their own to share and can tell me that it does get easier and that there is light at the end of the tunnel then that would be great!

RedXIV · 09-05-2008 2:41pm

It gets easier. This i can promise you. I don't envy your position at all lass but it WILL get better.

He does seem to want this talk, be it as a means to make you understand why he has made the decision or a need for closure and while i understand that your emotions are understandably all over the place, this is a talk you will eventually need to have.

Keep yourself distracted too, if possible, get away for a weekend or a few days and do something fun. Don't dwell on the past, it can't be changed, look to the future and the potential it holds instead

Hope you get through this ok, scratch that, i know you'll get through this, i just hope it's soon

kelly1979 · 09-05-2008 2:42pm

Hey,
A break up is a really hard thing to get over, you were with your partner for 7years, probably have mutual friends, set routine etc.
Just look at the break up as a fresh start, 1st things 1st, retail therapy helps hugely, then get a new haircut (ideas only btw)!!
as you have said in your post your up one moment and down the next

THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL!!
when your sad, cry, when your angry shout, get the emotions out, dont bottle them in.

it's more difficult for you as you can't just break clean and cut ties with your partner due to issues you have with your home, i think what your doing is right, only talk to him about the house, nothing personal.

Most importantly, do what you need to do for you, if living in the home makes you feel better then live in the home. You are #1 now so look after yourself and think only of what's best for you.

And yes you will feel better, it takes time, you'll have bad days but you'll also have lots of good days and as you said you have a great support network.
Wish you all the best with it!!;)

Damzilla · 09-05-2008 2:50pm

Thanks for the responses guys. It helps a lot.

I guess my main worry at the moment is that I haven't completely fallen apart and I guess that is still because we are in touch and have to sort the house out which is going to mean we will be in touch for a good while yet. I suppose that makes things a bit easier for me and I'm afraid that once the house is sold and he is out of my life for good that it will be then that I fall apart.:(

Puffin · 09-05-2008 5:04pm

You come across as an intelligent person who is dealing with this with a lot of logic and self knowledge- congratulations, it’s not easy to do.

The only thing I really have to say is to completely support your decision not to listen to him go through his emotions. If it upsets you why should you put yourself through it? When you were a couple, fine, it’s your ‘job’. But now you are broken up it is no longer up to you to hold his hand through every issue. You are dead right showing him respect BUT putting your own healing first.

Damzilla · 09-05-2008 10:42pm

Thanks for the replys. They do help.

Feeling very down this evening. I know he is out with his work mates and I know I shouldn't think it but I am hoping he will text me. As stupid as it sounds I am hoping.

This is so hard. I just hope I am strong enough to get through it.

kelly1979 · 10-05-2008 12:10pm

hey,
Don't feel stupid, after my break up i was hoping the same, for a couple of weeks after i was praying that he'd just realise he had made a stupid mistake and begged for me back.
You need to keep active, it's totally ok to mourn your relationship and take the time to stay in your pj's and cry, i spent a week doing it, then decided, right enough of that time to get on with my life.

Go out with your friends, even if you hate every minute of it at least you'll have filled your night, and in the future on one of these nights you'll realise that you actually had a fun night.
Take advantage of the good network of people around you.

As hard as it is, don't think about him being out, it'll just cut you up. when these thoughts come into your head just push them out with something positive.

remember everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them, this man right now in this moment was not the right man for you. Take this time to re-connect with yourself and what you want from life and go for it.

hope you feel better today, and dont feel bad for feeling bad your allowed.;)

AARRRGH · 10-05-2008 4:42pm

Try to visualise your life in 5 years.

You'll be with someone else, a man who you think is wonderful. You'll be happy. You'll probably have a new home. You might have a child.

You'll have a new life. You don't know the details yet, but you are going to be happy.

With time the pain you're feeling now will go away. It'll be replaced by happiness and passion and comfort. You're going to be ok.

Dlite · 10-05-2008 7:05pm

Hey Damzilla

What you are going through is perfectly normal. I am currently going through the same process. I know you don't want to hear this but staying in the house will only make it worse. I was with my x for 8 years. He did the exact same - twice. The first time he did the whole “I just don't love you anymore" I'll never forget that feeling. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I booked a holiday with my friends and eventually met someone else. My x then went on a campaign to get me back. I left the new man in my life, got back with the x and we bought a house together. Three years down the line he has done the same thing. We have a beautiful house together that he is buying me out of. I did the whole "This is my house too and I’m staying" but that only made things worse. I stopped getting up in the morning. Stayed in at the wknd thinking he might come in and change his mind. I felt like I was living in a bubble. Thank god one of my friends appeared one day and started throwing my stuff in a bag; she said she wasn't letting me do this to myself. I have not looked back since. I dragged myself out at the weekends, went to the gym, read books anything to keep my mind off the whole situation until one day I realised how happy I was. He has since text but I ignore them. I went to my solicitor, had the necessary documents drawn up and sent to his solicitor and I did not need to contact him that much at all. It is sad that you are sitting there hoping that he might call or text. I did the same. I even begged him to get back together but deep down inside I just didn't want to lose my house and worried about our mutual friends and what people would say. A lot of my friends are engaged or married or travelling and I kept thinking what will I do? Well I am enjoying life now and feel more secure without him. I knew things were not going well in our relationship and it was constantly in the back of my mind. Now I hold my own security and have a new found independence and respect for myself that I/ not he, took away from myself. The things that you find the hardest to do will make you the happiest when they are done! Trust me!

Damzilla · 11-05-2008 2:35am

Thank you all for your replys. Tonight I am up and down. Can't help thinking that he is out with someone else. Apart of me is ok with that. Seeing the way he has behaved over the last week; I'm not sure I want that in my life. It is just because I have been with him for so long that I dont know how to cope on my own.\

RedXIV · 11-05-2008 2:38am

Damzilla wrote: »

It is just because I have been with him for so long that I dont know how to cope on my own.\

Just means you can get in less trouble

Take this time to do everything you could want lass, go and find guys your interested in, feel free to flirt with everything that comes near you. Being single is not the worst thing in the world lass, otherwise i wouldn't be doing it

smellybiker · 11-05-2008 8:04pm

Hey Damzilla,

Here's my story (hope it helps)

I too, was with a guy for seven years. the last year of our relationship was very up and down - we were all over the place. we broke up alot and got back together. at the end of my degree, i realised that our relationship was going to continue like it was for the last year unless i did something about it. i decided to leave my hometown in an attempt to get away from the vicious circle of what our relationship had become.

so, off i went...only to realise a few weeks later that i had made a terrible mistake. i moved back home and made every attempt to get my guy back only to hear him tell me he didn't love me anymore. i at the time believed he was merely saying this as i had hurt him and his pride wasn't going to allow him to get hurt again.

i kept myself very busy for a year - buying a house, learning to drive etc. but i always had an empty feeling in my heart every time something good happened in my life - the empty feeling being as a result of not having him to share it with. i decided that 18 months after our break up - i was gona give it another try to get him back - my attempts worked - we started seeing each other again. however, a month after our relationship started, he told me he couldn't go on, he didn't love me anymore. i was in bits - i hadn't told anyone we had got back together and i certainly didn't want to tell anyone after he had led me on for a month and broke my heart.

it was in pieces - i thought i'd never be able to carry on. just three months ago, he came back into my life and once again, i thought we might have a chance to start over. we had one of the best conversations we ever had since being together - i talked, he listened, he talked and i listened. i really believed we were the same people we were when we first met and that we could just get back on track. but soon after having the conversation with him, i realised that we had both changed so much and that no chance of a relationship would exist.

i was so relieved after our chat coz i finally had the closure i needed - i now felt i could continue with my life and not have that feeling that he might call, text or start to love me again.

i only wish that we had this chat after we broke up initially because i really think we would have realised back then how different we were to the people who first fell in love - if i had that chat with him soon after breaking up, i know i wouldn't have spent the last two years hoping that he would love me again.

as difficult as it is to hear him open up about his feelings, i would strongly reccommend that you listen to him and also share your feelings bout him, life and everything else. i guarantee that you'll realise how different you both are now from seven years ago - you have to be different as why else has the last year been so difficult as a couple. it's bloody hard coz you still love him so much - i still love my guy - but it's the guy i met 9 years ago and not the guy he is now and i think you'll realise the same.

the chat that you will have will give you the closure you need to put this in perspective - it will still take an awfully long time to get over him but you will be stronger each and every day if you have this chat.

sorry this post is so long but sincerely hope it helps you!

Damzilla · 12-05-2008 7:01pm

Thanks smellybiker. Your post was lovely.

I'm doing ok. Still a bit up and down and we have spoken and agreed to sell the house. It's been very amicable. I suppose it is only natural for me to have a little bit of hope but for the moment I am trying to be realistic about things and the fact that we are going to sell the house and go our seperate ways. I know it is going to be very hard for me but hopefully I will get there one day.

We are going to give eachother some space over the next few weeks but we will need to do stuff together with the house in order to get it ready for selling.

I'm quite calm although I do get a bit weepy at times. I suppose it hasn't really hit me yet?

smellybiker · 12-05-2008 10:10pm

No damzilla it definitely hasn't hit you yet and it probably won't hit you for another few months - seriously that's how long it takes.

you'll get to a point where you'll think you're alright and getting there and then you'll hear a song on the radio or your phone will ring and you'll instinctively pick it up expecting it to be him!! it's awful after a break up coz once you start thinking you're slowly getting over him, something happens that makes you realise that you're not any further in the break up grieving process.

allow yourself to feel what you feel every day - i totally denied what i was feeling and tried to do other things to take my mind of what i was going through - that was wrong - i should have let myself grieve and that's waht you should do!!

best of look with it - im here if you need anyone to chat to!!

barnacle · 12-05-2008 10:17pm

My dear, you need 5 things:
1. Cement
2. Water
3. Bricks
4. Trowel
5. Bridge building guide

Love,
The Barnacle

Marksie · 12-05-2008 10:26pm

Barnacle, you need one thing: to read the charter

Damzilla · 12-05-2008 11:04pm

smellybiker wrote: »

No damzilla it definitely hasn't hit you yet and it probably won't hit you for another few months - seriously that's how long it takes.

you'll get to a point where you'll think you're alright and getting there and then you'll hear a song on the radio or your phone will ring and you'll instinctively pick it up expecting it to be him!! it's awful after a break up coz once you start thinking you're slowly getting over him, something happens that makes you realise that you're not any further in the break up grieving process.

allow yourself to feel what you feel every day - i totally denied what i was feeling and tried to do other things to take my mind of what i was going through - that was wrong - i should have let myself grieve and that's waht you should do!!

best of look with it - im here if you need anyone to chat to!!

Thank you for your lovely words. They really do help. I'm trying hard not to deny what I am going through because I know I shouldn't. I think it's because of the house. It's going to be a long drawn out process where we still need to contact each other so it doesn't really feel real yet. And it probably won't until the house is eventually sold and we walk away. And I'm scared that it will hit me then, and I really will fall apart.

smellybiker · 13-05-2008 10:32am

There will be different stages of this damzilla - you might be surprised how well you get thru the whole house thing - it may be that after all that is sorted - it hits you and hits you hard. i think that by keeping busy settling the house affairs, you're mind won't wonder too much to realise how your heart is in bits but i can guarantee that days or even weeks after, something will happen - like your phone ringing or hearing his fave song and that's when it will hit you and hit you hard!!

whatever you do, just go with the way you are feeling at the time - treat yourself if you want and don't feel guilty for doing so. also don't feel guilty for hiding yourself away if that's what you need to do!

Damzilla · 25-05-2008 2:12am

Well it's been three weeks and I'm still all over the place. I know it is over and I know we need to sell the house. I just can't see it happening. Why is that? Am I in denial?

I feel ok. I know I can cope. I miss him and our life together. I know things havent been good for the last while but I really believe we could get things back to how they were. When we were happy together. I just cant believe this is the end.

On one hand Im looking forward to being on my own as I know we need this time apart. But I can't help wondering what he is doing. I can't stop thinking. I just cant believe this is happening.

How do I get past this? I feel like I can't move on until the house is sold. Until then we alwas have a connection and a need to be in contact with eachother.

suzy5978 · 25-05-2008 4:54am

barnacle wrote: »

My dear, you need 5 things:
1. Cement
2. Water
3. Bricks
4. Trowel
5. Bridge building guide

Love,
The Barnacle

very helpful........

chuci · 25-05-2008 10:31am

yup you are in denial op but just think of how your life will be after this? ok so you still have the house but once its sold you can cut all ties. do something you would never have done before when you were together go on a mad holiday with the girls or go away by yourself for a month travelling. just begin you experience life all over again but as a single person. your not tied down to anyone any more so try to relish it and enjoy it. just give yourself time to grieve and experience life before even contemplating jumping into another relationship, by all means have fun but dont jump into a rebound.

molly101 · 26-05-2008 8:53pm

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. I was in exactly the same situation, my life was over, didnt know how i could live without him. And I'll tell you the truth, it took me 2 years to get over him, and honestly i still am not. I bought him out of the house, I got custody of the dog! and my days of absolute depression.

It gets easier, it really does but not overnight, not over many many nights.

But to make all the above misery better, I have now met someone else, someone wonderful, who is just exactly what i wanted. My ex will never be out of my heart though, and i've had my chances to get back together, but i have to be strong, as you will because in the end of the day there is someone out there for you. We were together 10 years and split up when i was 33. now at 36 my life is getting together. It took that length of time.

I was on boards back then telling my story and getting advise and it does help and I hope really hope you feel better soon, and so does your heart. x

babsbabs · 04-06-2008 8:53pm

Hi,

I had to write after I read your post. My heart goes out to you. The reason - I was there. I was with my bf for four years (not seven - but still). We were having a bad patch and arguing for about a year - just little fights, that we would make up after a day!!!
One day just November gone - he said he didnt want to be with me anymore - that he stopped loving me about a year ago - I was devastated!!!
Then in December I found out he was with somebody new. I was completely heartbroken that he found somebody so quickly - it was like our four years meant nothing.
I cried day after day, night after night, I lashed out and friends and family was moody all the time - except in work - because in there I had to put on a front.
It is now seven months on - I know he is with that other girl still (we have mutual friends) and they tell me how happy he is and how they are buying a house together!
But after all he did, I know I deserve more. You deserve more. You deserve a man that will really love you, someone who will look at you sleeping and think how lucky HE is to have YOU. Somebody who would never ever think of letting you down.
And it happens - it gets better - Im seven months on now and after girlie holidays and nights out with the girls and a few dates

I have found someone new and am totally happy, even more so because this guy would do anything for me
So, it gets better keep your chin up and remember you deserve the best - let your heart lead you

Damzilla · 04-06-2008 10:45pm

babsbabs wrote: »

Hi,

I had to write after I read your post. My heart goes out to you. The reason - I was there. I was with my bf for four years (not seven - but still). We were having a bad patch and arguing for about a year - just little fights, that we would make up after a day!!!
One day just November gone - he said he didnt want to be with me anymore - that he stopped loving me about a year ago - I was devastated!!!
Then in December I found out he was with somebody new. I was completely heartbroken that he found somebody so quickly - it was like our four years meant nothing.
I cried day after day, night after night, I lashed out and friends and family was moody all the time - except in work - because in there I had to put on a front.
It is now seven months on - I know he is with that other girl still (we have mutual friends) and they tell me how happy he is and how they are buying a house together!
But after all he did, I know I deserve more. You deserve more. You deserve a man that will really love you, someone who will look at you sleeping and think how lucky HE is to have YOU. Somebody who would never ever think of letting you down.
And it happens - it gets better - Im seven months on now and after girlie holidays and nights out with the girls and a few dates I have found someone new and am totally happy, even more so because this guy would do anything for me
So, it gets better keep your chin up and remember you deserve the best - let your heart lead you

Your post made me well up, it really did! Thank you for your kind words.

I'm okish. Just about. I'm really angry at the moment which I think is a good thing. Angry that he hurt me, angry about how he went about things and angry that he is not the person I though he was.

I don't even think I want him back at the moment. I can't see past the anger.

BUT...I can't even imagine him with someone else and I know I would fall apart completely if I heard he had met someone else so I hope if he does that I don't hear about it because I don't want to know. We are still so tied together because of the house and could be for months. I would hope he would have the decency not to get involved with someone while the house is still an issue but who knows what will happen?

I am just hanging on to the mantra now that what is meant for me will not go by me etc. And it does help. Who knows what is around the corner for me? I was lucky enough to be loved for seven years so surely I will find that again?

Karen_* · 05-06-2008 9:28am

Of course you'll find that again Damzilla. I really beleive that all things happen for a reason, especially the painful things. There's someone out there who's perfect for you and you wouldn't meet him if you were still with your ex.

I have to beleive that even the very painful things happen for us to learn and grow from. And in my own life this last two years I've learned that you really do not know what's around the corner. Nothing stays the same and even though it doesn't feel like it now things will get bettter and great things will happen in your life.

I feel rubbish after my breakup and continued involvement of my ex in my life. Its really shattered my confidence too and I feel everyones better than me. But its also made me take a long look at myself and go about changing things that I need to change in order to not make the same mistakes in another relationship. Life seems really really hard at the moment. But I have a feeling this may all be the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I have to thank you and everyone else that's posted about their relationships and breakups and all the great advice other posters give. I would have been lost without it and I do not feel totally alone.

jellie · 05-06-2008 9:51am

Karen_* wrote: »

I have to thank you and everyone else that's posted about their relationships and breakups and all the great advice other posters give. I would have been lost without it and I do not feel totally alone.

me too. boards has really helped me get through this week. letting me rant & moan, but keeping me distracted too. & it helps so much to know other people are going through similar things & understand.

peanut66 · 19-06-2008 5:00pm

Damzilla,

I have been in a similliar situation. I was with someone for almost 7 years aswell and I found myself in the unforunate position of falling out of love with my boyfriend some time ago. We were very happy up until the last year or 2 and I guess I just continued along with things becos I was afraid of what would happen if I was single or that I would realise I had made a mistake. I used to go to bed and wake up thinking about this over and over again until I thought my head would explode.

I came to realise that this was no life for either of us to live and even tho i know i hurt him badly i would have done so much worse if i had of stayed with him for the sake of it and drifted into marriage or had kids. Everyone has the right to be happy and although I can imagine how bad it is for you I think you have to see the bigger picture here and use this as a fresh start ....do all the things you havent had a chance to do. I know it seems like your life is ruined at the moment and i still have moments where I miss the closeness and friendship that we had as it will never be the same again.

And believe me I cant speak for your ex but It was a horrible experience for me too and not one I ever want to have to repeat. I got on brilliantly with his family and we had so many mutual friends etc and I feel that they all hate me now for having to do what I did...its very hard to know people think that about u but I am still firends with my ex even if its not the same as before, I will always have great respect for him and would not hear a bad word said against him.

I have spent the time since we split travelling, seeing old friends, doing all the things that I didnt get to do for whatever reason aswell when we were together. Just rem it will get easier as I know he is doing well now and he understands and even said he would have done the exact same if the shoe were on the other foot. I have to say though comments llike that from ''babsbabs'' are very one sided and negative. There are two sides to every story and just becos it didnt work out for u both does not make ur ex a bad person...he cant have been too bad if u were together for 7 years.

Sometimes people grow apart its hard but its how it is. Babbabs is saying the same of her ex....again he cant have been the worst if she was ''devastated'' when they broke up. What does she expect your ex or her ex to do? if someone is genuinely unhappy with another (not always becos of things that person does) you cannot change their mind and though it is hurtful you just have to accept it. Babsbabs just sounds like shes hurting and hasnt gotten over it fully and i hope she hasnt encouraged you to feel the need to cut your ex out of your life for good. I hope you feel better soon. Take care

Wibbs · 19-06-2008 8:32pm

peanut66 I appreciate you're trying to help by sharing your story, but could you please add paragraphs as it's damn near impossible to read and as such any advice you give or seek will be ignored by most reading.

MJOR · 19-06-2008 8:44pm

Damilzilla,

My mum had a saying, well two actually. One - If its for you it won't pass you by. (this is true sometimes what we want and need are not always the same thing)

The other was only marry a man that loves you for you.

You will eventually find love and peace and happiness.

This relationship wasn't right and on some level its better for you not to be in it.

You're coping sooo well and A big pat on the back or hug is needed. Work on yourself now.

Buy yourself a kick ass pair of shoes and a new hairstyle to treat yourself and head out for a fun night with friends.

Good luck xxxxxxx;);)

Painful breakup

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