Is it okay to ask a girl out if you have never 'shifted' her before?

Bitches Be Crazy · 28-07-2014 10:26pm #1

Okay lads, I want yous to answer this based on society's view (i.e. what does society think) rather than your own personal opinions.
I'm a guy who is 21 years of age and I recently I have got a new job. There is a girl at work who I can tell really likes me and I like her too. The only problem is that she is about to leave for another job in another two weeks and I want to have a relationship with her beyond the job. I would really like to ask her on a date but I fear that she will reject me if we have never actually 'shifted' or kissed before. Older people mightn't understand this but the way I see it, most relationships only start after the pair shift on a night out or whatever. It does not look like I will be able to have a night out with her before she goes.
My question is whether I am correct in my view that I have to shift her before asking her out, whether that is the regular thing for someone of my age? I fear that if I do not follow this accepted procedure that she will think its weird and that I would become the laughing stock for doing so. (I dont have much experience of asking girls out, as you see). Remember, I want you to to tell me the view of society at large, not just your own opinions.
p.s. please dont take any offence to my username, it was just a standard/default username that I found and used.

jimmycrackcorm · 28-07-2014 10:42pm

Ask her out on a date, if it goes well then you can kiss and that will solve your dilemma.

retro:electro · 28-07-2014 10:49pm

There's no standard procedure for asking someone out. To be honest the whole "shifting" before asking someone out seems a bit juvenile. Adopt a more mature approach and just ask her on a date, take it from there and then let the shifting commence.

i r legend · 28-07-2014 10:52pm

Am sure there were a few typos in there Thu. Lookit you're only 12 boy. Concentrate on your studies and sports for now. There'll be plenty time for "shifting" after.

themissymoo · 29-07-2014 12:17am

To be honest, I hate the whole shifting thing. I'm 19 and wouldn't do it. If a guy asks me out, I'm delighted. If a guy asks me to shift him, I say no whether I like him or not. I think it's very backwards to kiss before you know someone if you want anything more substantial than a one night stand.

Ask her out. I highly, highly doubt she'll care that you've never shifted her before.

Flippyfloppy · 29-07-2014 7:14am

Shifting before dating is something that tends to stop when you leave secondary school.

Now don't get me wrong, people kiss in pubs and nightclubs all around the country and may or may not go on to date, but it's definitely normal to ask someone out before you kiss them.

Mr. Loverman · 29-07-2014 7:35am

You'll be far more successful if you treat her respectfully and suggest doing something she would enjoy.

For example, if there was a food fair coming up in Dun Laoghaire, you could invite her to that and suggest afterwards you walk the pier... maybe get an ice cream... that sort of thing.

Basically girls like talking and doing nice things. It's not all about kissing. That stuff comes later at an appropriate time.

Bitches Be Crazy · 29-07-2014 10:54am

Okay so yes you might describe it as the more 'mature' thing to ask her out first but is society's view mature for a 21 year old? I know you would like to be asked out before shifting but is every girl the same way? And if I am to ask her out, should I do it face to face or would it be okay to do through Facebook messenger? I mean I would do it face to face but I'd find that fairly daunting and besides it is unlikely I would get a chance alone with her to do it. Oh and btw I am 21, not 12.

29-07-2014 10:57am

I believe society would think better of you to ask her out and not wait until you've "shifted" her. I've never heard of having to wait to until you've kissed someone, that's completely new to me. At 21 you're a grown man after all.

I don't see anything wrong with asking her out via facebook/text, that's the thing to do these days isn't it!

mrsbyrne · 29-07-2014 12:33pm

Bitches Be Crazy wrote: »

Okay so yes you might describe it as the more 'mature' thing to ask her out first but is society's view mature for a 21 year old? I know you would like to be asked out before shifting but is every girl the same way? And if I am to ask her out, should I do it face to face or would it be okay to do through Facebook messenger? I mean I would do it face to face but I'd find that fairly daunting and besides it is unlikely I would get a chance alone with her to do it. Oh and btw I am 21, not 12.

I don't give a toss what the modern day procedure is. Walk right up to her and ask her does she want to go for a drink/to the pictures/for a pizza. She will be thrilled. Go mad altogether and pick her up at her house. Don't even think about kissing her until its time to go home. Just be yourself. You sound great to me.have a good time.
I second what Mr. Lover man says. Girls like having fun and being treated nicely especially by guys they like, and they lap up a bit or respect and consideration. Go for it.

Macavity. · 29-07-2014 1:10pm

There is no procedure for these situations, just ask her out.

kylith · 29-07-2014 1:20pm

Bitches Be Crazy wrote: »

Okay so yes you might describe it as the more 'mature' thing to ask her out first but is society's view mature for a 21 year old? I know you would like to be asked out before shifting but is every girl the same way? And if I am to ask her out, should I do it face to face or would it be okay to do through Facebook messenger? I mean I would do it face to face but I'd find that fairly daunting and besides it is unlikely I would get a chance alone with her to do it. Oh and btw I am 21, not 12.

As you say you're 21 not 12, so act like it. Walk up to the woman and ask her to go for a drink/dinner/crazy golf. Yes, it's daunting but, to be honest, if I guy I saw every day in work asked me out over Facebook rather than in person I'd think he was joking or childish.

How else are you going to get her to go out with you? Are you going to ask Tommy from Accounting to ask her if she'll get off with you behind the bike sheds? Adults in non-pub/club situations do not shift someone before they ask them out. I would wager that the vast majority of women prefer to be asked out before kissing someone.

damselnat · 29-07-2014 3:00pm

OP, I am a couple of years older than you, and I can promise you it's totally normal to ask out a girl you haven't shifted in a pub/club. I would say it's the preferred method, certainly for us girls. Of course it's nice to be asked out in the flesh, however, if you are totally petrified of this (or there's the possibility someone else in the office might overhear!) then it's totally the norm to ask her out over FB, especially if you already chat on it normally.

It's a daunting thing to do, I know, but remember, faint heart never won fair lady

Ave Sodalis · 29-07-2014 3:41pm

OP, I'm a year younger than you and I have no idea where this shifting before asking out is coming from. At first, when I read the title, I had just assumed that you meant ask her to be your girlfriend and was fully expecting to come in and tell you to slow down a bit but then I read the thread.
If it's just a date, then go for it! Society at large, as you put it, does not expect you to have kissed a girl before asking her on a date. In fact, it is usually the opposite, unless meeting through a night out. Usually, I'd be a "to hell with what society thinks" type of person... but really, in this case, you'd be going with what majority of people do.

iusedtoknow · 29-07-2014 6:00pm

So I'm off the dating scene a good few years at this point, but i'd never heard of shifting first before asking her out. Actually...I have, in school.

I met my gf (now wife) through friends. We spent all night chatting, towards the end of the night I asked her if she wanted to meet for coffee the next day. She did.

We were 21/22.

Grow up, ask her out and see what happens.

Avada · 29-07-2014 6:02pm

Seriously? You're 21, you're not at a school disco! Ask her out, if she says yeah, and has a good time, you may get the shift.

LegacyUser · 29-07-2014 6:17pm

Hi op,

I was 21 a few years ago, my sister is 21, and I would say it's completely fine (and 'socially acceptable for a 21 year old') to ask her out first!

Around that age yes, a fair few of the dates I went on were after having already kissed someone, but I can think of two examples around that time where I was asked out by a guy before I'd kissed him. I didn't think it was the slightest bit strange!

And I think Facebook messenger or text etc is fine for asking her, cos I know it can be a bit daunting just blurting it out face-to-face, especially if you're nervous about it. I don't think being asked in this way would seem weird either.

strobe · 29-07-2014 7:07pm

Having to have shifted a girl before you ask her out or anything like that is a very teenage/school kid thing man. At 21 it's definitely the norm to ask a girl out despite the fact you haven't had a bit of a kiss out one night.

If you're more comfortable doing it via Facebook then that's fine to do. But personally I'd at least mention to her in person in passing before she leaves that you'd like to grab a drink or do something together sometime.

pookie82 · 31-07-2014 3:55pm

Bitches Be Crazy wrote: »

Okay so yes you might describe it as the more 'mature' thing to ask her out first but is society's view mature for a 21 year old? I know you would like to be asked out before shifting but is every girl the same way? And if I am to ask her out, should I do it face to face or would it be okay to do through Facebook messenger? I mean I would do it face to face but I'd find that fairly daunting and besides it is unlikely I would get a chance alone with her to do it. Oh and btw I am 21, not 12.

No girl/woman here can answer for EVERY girl, you're looking for the impossible here.

What I will say is this... society at large sees the whole shifting before going on a date thing as something you do in school, maybe early on in college, but not so much in a functioning adult world.

I for one am very happy to see that we're moving on as a society and becoming more Americanised, for want of a better word, in terms of "dating" here in Ireland. It's perfectly normal/lovely/not weird to ask someone out BEFORE there's been any exchange of saliva.

If a girl for some bizarre reason thinks that's in any way "odd", she's not really mature enough to bother about yet. Ask her out.

jigglypuffstuff · 01-08-2014 12:04am

Bitches Be Crazy wrote: »

Okay lads, I want yous to answer this based on society's view (i.e. what does society think) rather than your own personal opinions.
I'm a guy who is 21 years of age and I recently I have got a new job. There is a girl at work who I can tell really likes me and I like her too. The only problem is that she is about to leave for another job in another two weeks and I want to have a relationship with her beyond the job. I would really like to ask her on a date but I fear that she will reject me if we have never actually 'shifted' or kissed before. Older people mightn't understand this but the way I see it, most relationships only start after the pair shift on a night out or whatever. It does not look like I will be able to have a night out with her before she goes.
My question is whether I am correct in my view that I have to shift her before asking her out, whether that is the regular thing for someone of my age? I fear that if I do not follow this accepted procedure that she will think its weird and that I would become the laughing stock for doing so. (I dont have much experience of asking girls out, as you see). Remember, I want you to to tell me the view of society at large, not just your own opinions.
p.s. please dont take any offence to my username, it was just a standard/default username that I found and used.

Its this mentality is why i dont date Irish girls...the attitude towards dating here is all wrong..its an awfully immature cycle and needs to be broken!! I dont think theres another place ive been to where this is persevered as the norm!

OP ask her out...its the mature adult thing to do. and best of luck!!

sadie06 · 01-08-2014 2:45pm

You are 21. You need to stop saying 'shifted'. Ask her out!

Bitches Be Crazy · 05-08-2014 5:33pm

EDIT: Alright so, I've decided to go with asking her out over FB Messenger. The only problem is that I am not actually friends with her yet. Would it be okay to add her, then start a chat with her with the aim of asking her out???

LegacyUser · 05-08-2014 6:26pm

I wish people would stop asking the OP to grow up and ask her out. He's 21 for flips sake. Asking anyone out is daunting for most people and even people twice as old as the OP.

Regarding the shifting thing before dating - yes this was the usual way to meet people in my day (I'm in my 30s). I know nowadays that still goes on, and there's also tinder and dating websites and facebook that is used, as well as people asking people out face to face.

Personally my favourite way of starting a relationship, is knowing someone from work/through friends/through a shared interest and getting to know them casually and then maybe getting together at a social event and it hopefully progressing into something substantial.
I'm not a fan of this American dating/job interview thing, but that's just a personal preference.

OP if you know this girl and are on friendly terms, there's no problem adding her on FB. If she likes you, she'll be delighted that you added her and may even start messaging you first!
Good luck!

Magenta · 05-08-2014 7:54pm

Bitches Be Crazy wrote: »

EDIT: Alright so, I've decided to go with asking her out over FB Messenger. The only problem is that I am not actually friends with her yet. Would it be okay to add her, then start a chat with her with the aim of asking her out???

Yes

Bitches Be Crazy · 09-08-2014 12:28pm

Great news lads. I asked her out over FB Messenger and although Id say she thought it a small bit odd, she still said yes. I've a date with her in Galway for tomorrow night. Thanks for all the advice

Wish me luck!!!!!!!

aileach · 14-08-2014 12:34am

What is shifting?

desbrook · 14-08-2014 6:21am

aileach wrote: »

What is shifting?

Open mouthed kissing

Is it okay to ask a girl out if you have never 'shifted' her before?

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