Unemployed Dating Well Off Guy

LegacyUser · 28-07-2014 2:57am #1

Hey,

So I've met a guy. We've been friends for two months or so, text almost daily and know a lot about each other. We've talked about everything from our families to relationships to favourite films, etc. After a month, I suggested we went on a coffee date and we did. It went great.

I'm in my second year of college and am unemployed. I haven't been able to find a job for a year now. I don't get a grant so my parents have to support me, which is tough. I quickly ran out of my rainy day savings once I lost my job and have only had one interview since. On the other hand, the guy I'm talking to is quite well off. His parents have a stunning house (seemed more like a mansion to me). He's a recent graduate and is already very high up in his career. He's been working hard for five years now, since before he went to college. He's on a high salary (to me it's high anyway - 50-60k my friend in his field estimated, although the job he's going for is 120k. He's great at what he does.).

My problem is, I'm afraid our lifestyles won't be compatible if this goes anywhere. We haven't been able to meet up since our coffee date (busy time for him in work and he was on holidays, and I've had a lot going on personally), although we are planning on meeting sometime soon.

A friend of mine said to me "wow, imagine being on a salary that high at our age. You'd be living the life," and it got me thinking that he may want to go places and do things that I can't afford. At the moment I'm taking €30 off my parents each month during the summer (for just keeping the house tidy and making dinners), and because of there being birthdays in my family during the summer and coming up, I haven't got a penny now. He suggested we go to the pictures, and although he may suggest he pay (he's the type of guy who will pay for dates, or at least so he told my friend when they talked about chivalry and stuff), I honestly can't afford it if he doesn't pay. I won't even be able to afford the bus to get there!

What should I do? I've lost hope of finding a job any time soon. I know that I could suggest parks, museums, etc, but he's not the outdoorsy type and I'm not sure how many times I could get away with suggesting we go to a museum (which I still need bus fare to get to).

Should I just say it to him? He's already said he's on more money than he knows what to do with as he's not very materialistic (he didn't say it in a braggy, blowing my own trumpst way either, by the way) where as I'm flat broke with all but a penny and a slice pan to my name. Any advice?

December2012 · 28-07-2014 10:21am

Before you start worrying about future possible problems, enjoy dating now.

Stop worrying about potential things.

mylefttesticle · 28-07-2014 10:41am

Its a valid worry I will say that. Perhaps just have a chat with him and explain your circumstances and explain that you would like to date him but would prefer if it was dates that didn't cost anything so there is an equal balance there.

Twas Not · 28-07-2014 10:43am

Cdnjksnfdsk wrote: »

Hey,

So I've met a guy. We've been friends for two months or so, text almost daily and know a lot about each other. We've talked about everything from our families to relationships to favourite films, etc. After a month, I suggested we went on a coffee date and we did. It went great.

I'm in my second year of college and am unemployed. I haven't been able to find a job for a year now. I don't get a grant so my parents have to support me, which is tough. I quickly ran out of my rainy day savings once I lost my job and have only had one interview since. On the other hand, the guy I'm talking to is quite well off. His parents have a stunning house (seemed more like a mansion to me). He's a recent graduate and is already very high up in his career. He's been working hard for five years now, since before he went to college. He's on a high salary (to me it's high anyway - 50-60k my friend in his field estimated, although the job he's going for is 120k. He's great at what he does.).

My problem is, I'm afraid our lifestyles won't be compatible if this goes anywhere. We haven't been able to meet up since our coffee date (busy time for him in work and he was on holidays, and I've had a lot going on personally), although we are planning on meeting sometime soon.

A friend of mine said to me "wow, imagine being on a salary that high at our age. You'd be living the life," and it got me thinking that he may want to go places and do things that I can't afford. At the moment I'm taking €30 off my parents each month during the summer (for just keeping the house tidy and making dinners), and because of there being birthdays in my family during the summer and coming up, I haven't got a penny now. He suggested we go to the pictures, and although he may suggest he pay (he's the type of guy who will pay for dates, or at least so he told my friend when they talked about chivalry and stuff), I honestly can't afford it if he doesn't pay. I won't even be able to afford the bus to get there!

What should I do? I've lost hope of finding a job any time soon. I know that I could suggest parks, museums, etc, but he's not the outdoorsy type and I'm not sure how many times I could get away with suggesting we go to a museum (which I still need bus fare to get to).

Should I just say it to him? He's already said he's on more money than he knows what to do with as he's not very materialistic (he didn't say it in a braggy, blowing my own trumpst way either, by the way) where as I'm flat broke with all but a penny and a slice pan to my name. Any advice?

Well what age and money are you talking about? It maybe that he just was in the right place at the right time skills wise and this changes over time and may again if you qualify ?

Mr. Loverman · 28-07-2014 11:04am

It doesn't matter.

When I was around 22 I was dating a girl who was 19.

I had a very good job and she had no money. She was a student like you, so of course she had no money.

It's a non-issue.

Relax.

kiffer · 28-07-2014 3:02pm

You are a student, your primary job is to learn.
A part time job for cash is good to make ends meet, and hopefully to help you gain experience for once you are finished your schooling.
Keep trying to get some work for money and experience.
In the mean time... don't worry about him spending some of his greater than average disposable income on a few dates and so on.

Sadderday · 28-07-2014 3:10pm

It won't matter if he likes you.

kisaragi · 28-07-2014 3:24pm

Hi OP,
I can definitely relate to your situation! My partner earns at least 10(!) times what I do in a year - I'm doing a PhD on a pretty paltry scholarship while he has a really well paid job. When we first started seeing each other it made me feel really awkward because he'd be suggesting things to do that I hadn't a hope of being able to afford. I was brought up not to ever ask for money or accept gifts and I hated people paying for me to do things so it was really difficult for me to accept him paying for us to go dinner or whatever when I usually couldn't afford to pay the next time etc.

Anyway, we just talked about it and he basically explained that he understood where I was coming from but he didn't mind paying for things since it really wasn't that much money to him and he'd rather spend the money and do nice things with me than just have it - which pretty much sounds like what your guy is saying.

So my advice is to just take them at face value when they say they don't mind paying and try to let go of your guilt! You won't be a student forever and if you stay together you can make it up by paying for dates, buying outlandish birthday presents etc etc when you graduate and get a proper job!

You can do lots of free things and whenever you have some spare cash treat him if you can.

Whispered · 28-07-2014 9:54pm

To add to the above post, every long term relationship goes through stages where one partner is the supporter and the other is supported, whether that is financially, emotionally, effort wise etc at this stage I wouldn't worry about it. Things will even out over time.

louisenf2014 · 29-07-2014 11:08am

Hey OP

Don't stress over it, he was a student at one point too. In my experience (I'm 33) some guys really like to pay for things especially at the start, it gives them the chance to woo you and win you over. I like to always have my share and feel independent but i've been on more dates where the guy insists on covering the cost than i haven't. That said, I wouldn't feel comfortable going along on the date if I didn't feel like i could pay my way as i may not like him, and might want to feel like i owe him nothing at the end. It sounds like you guys are well past this phase but my advice, if you really like him is to just be honest. If he suggests a cinema date then say "I'm a student, can we just go for a walk, I'm broke until I find a new job" Maybe he'll think a walk is a great idea, or maybe he'll be delighted to pay for you.

You're not choosing to be unemployed. You're actively looking for work and studying. Big difference. People fall in love with the person you are and aspire to be, not how capable you are of paying your way on the first few dates. Be honest about who you are and where you are at. If he likes you it won't bother him in the slightest....give him something to do with that money he has so much of

Dial Hard · 29-07-2014 2:17pm

To be honest, if I was in your situation I'd find it problematic. It's only natural that he will want to live a lifestyle commensurate with his income and, quite frankly, you can't afford to keep up with him unless he pays your way. Now, obviously, most people are saying that if he wants to do that, then let him, but I personally wouldn't be comfortable allowing someone to do that for me on a regular basis. I think it creates a power imbalance in the relationship.

Others have rightly pointed out that practically all relationships go through phases where one partner out-earns the other, but it's usually periodical. Your situation sounds like you're going to be in that position for quite some time - you're only in second year, correct? Personally, I would have a huge issue with that kind of prolonged financial disparity.

Unemployed Dating Well Off Guy

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