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Complicated mess

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  • 27-07-2014 5:12pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Sorry for lengthy post, im normally a private guy so sharing private matters is a little difficult.
    Been seeing a girl for about a year but only started getting serious in the last couple of months. Since then we've devoted all of our free time to each other and tried to see each other as often as possible and always hooking up when given the chance.
    We never had a 'talk' about exclusivity etc but I assumed it was implied. Last night after I had bought her 2 drinks she asked if she could ask me something 'are we exclusive' she asked to which i replied '..well i am anyway' she proceeded to say she needed to tell me something, she shifted another lad on a work night out on thursday (we just went on a date on tuesday! and knew we were going out together on the saturday - last night). I was quite upset and she gave me a million excuses. 'i was so drunk' 'i dont even remember it' 'i dont even remember if it was good or not'. She said 'we never said we were exclusive' i said i thought it was implied and she said 'yes it was! of course' 'i only want to see you, ive liked you for ages i only want to shift you etc etc etc'. oh and my favourite 'it COULD have ONLY been for a minute or two' - as if to offer some ****ing consolation.. 'could have' and 'only' for a few minutes... **** off i thought
    I left her to go hang with my friends for a while and she found me later on and was visibly upset and practically begging me to kiss her. I do/did like the girl so i went along with it (she knew i was still mad) and she ended up blowing me for the first time that night - honestly i only think because she was feeling guilty.

    Here's where it gets complicated. She's my date to my grad, she has everything bought and with it being not far away away i think it would be bad and difficult to dump her on that front. But in truth at this moment in time i dont want to speak to her, i dont want to know how her day went and certainly dont want to talk about what happened.

    Im at a loss as to what to do. Only thing I can think of is to 'forgive' her and tell her i want to stop things a few days after the grad..

    Any advice?
    What would you do?
    And yes we're both young'uns


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    #2
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    Ok, a little full-on there with the explanation, but honestly:

    You're in the 17-19 bracket I'd imagine, and it still amazes me that kids these days (I'm old for saying that) still consider the need to verify if they're 'exclusive' after about a year. Let me put it to you this way: after a couple of months being serious, if she cheated on you, you dump her. You're too young to deal with a cheater, believe me, it doesn't end well. If she didn't realise you were 'exclusive' after a year of seeing each other, you can do a lot better.

    Do yourself a favour, don't play the martyr. She cheated on you and used a BS 'reason' that never should've been a reason to justify her actions. Not trying insult her, but after a year, she's a little slow on the uptake, if you know what I mean. Honestly, I wouldn't have let her near my nethers, lord knows who she's been with, so do yourself a favour and get yourself tested if you didn't cover up. Regardless of how it might negatively impact her financially, if she was going to this and bought the items, she knew you were serious. She didn't just slip up, she turned your relationship off to do as she pleased, and you can't trust that it isn't the first time, or why she suddenly decided to bring this up now. If she couldn't put two and two together, that's not your problem. You're young, dump her and find someone new. You deserve better and have every right to be angry. Don't let a small thing make you feel obligated to stay with her. She isn't worth your time. Again, for god's sake get tested, full STI spread, to be safe if you weren't at the time.


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    #3
    Kevhog1988
    Registered Users Posts: 3,968 ✭✭✭Kevhog1988


    Dump her.... Move onwards and upwards


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    #4
    mylefttesticle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭mylefttesticle


    If you felt that strongly about it why kiss her and let her perform oral sex on you?

    Implying something means nothing, fact of the matter you were not exclusive, you never said like her that you were in a relationship.


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    #5
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    If you wanted to be exclusive you should have asked her. You're not in a relationship for the past year - even if you have regular songs or dates.

    So in my view-

    1. You're not exclusive and you did not tell her you wanted to be.
    2. She snogged somebody, and felt bad about it - so she is the one who brought up being exclusive
    3. You said you were and she came clean about something that had happened to have a clean slate
    4. You got annoyed, but not annoyed enough to turn down a bj and now you want to dump her? Or string her along and then dump her?

    She did nothing wrong. She wants to be with you. She now wants to be exclusive with you.

    Dump her if you like but you're in the wrong.


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    #6
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    She was in the wrong. You have to suffer the disappointment of her actions. I say if it suits you to take her to the graduation then just go along with it and then see how you feel afterwards. You don't have to make any statement or announcements before you go. Just keep your feelings on this to yourself and in time it will become clear what you want to do about the relationship.


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    #7
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    Three words : Extremely Poor Communication.


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    #8
    mylefttesticle
    Closed Accounts Posts: 305 ✭✭mylefttesticle


    Matteroffact wrote: »
    She was in the wrong. You have to suffer the disappointment of her actions. I say if it suits you to take her to the graduation then just go along with it and then see how you feel afterwards. You don't have to make any statement or announcements before you go. Just keep your feelings on this to yourself and in time it will become clear what you want to do about the relationship.

    Er no his ego suffered by her actions but not enough to not enjoy a BJ! Nice string someone along even though technically they did nothing wrong apart from being you know honest...............................


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    #9
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    Sounds like she likes you enough to be honest with you and probably regrets what she did.
    You like her but are hurt.

    Take a few days 'off' from her and just let yourself be angry and call her every name under the Sun. Turn off your phone or tell her you would rather not get texts for a few days from her.

    If, for example, by Thursday you are still majorly pissed with her and find you can't forgive her...then you can go express your anger with her or call it quits.

    To be fair, you guys weren't exclusive so you should be able to resolve it quicker. Or go score with one of her friends.


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    #10
    thegreatgonzo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭thegreatgonzo


    I find it so sad that so many couples can sleep with each other but can't have enough of a conversation to know if they are really together or not. It's completely backwards.
    I think you should let it go, it's just a kiss and it sounds like she is genuinely sorry.


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    #11
    kjl
    Registered Users Posts: 3,127 ✭✭✭kjl


    Sorry to ask this OP but have you been seeing each other for 12 months or a "year".

    I ask because a year is a long time and I don't understand how at some point you wouldn't have introduced her to someone as your girlfriend.

    I get it you are young and so is she, she was out on the piss and kissed someone else. You won't be the first person it happens to or the last.

    I think if you like her you could give her another chance, but I would say to her in no uncertain terms that this is the only chance you are giving her.

    Make it clear now that she is your girlfriend and you don't expect your girlfriend to ever "shift" someone else.

    She did come clean and the ambiguity of your relationship status could perhaps allow a situation for her to be forgiven.

    And just for yourself, getting oral sex is great and all but it was not really relevant to your issue, so maybe when asking your friends for help you leave that detail out as it is a little bit disrespectful to her.


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