Feel Like I'm being Walked On

b_mac2 wrote: »

Jesus, after writing all that OP, how can you even wonder is she taking advantage of you?

Leave her.

I agree, all her drama, threats and "depression" are just manipulation a to make you stay. She is bleeding you dry and giving absolutely nothing in return except physical, emotional and financial abuse. If you leave her no doubt she will just find some other poor guy to take advantage off.

oasis_calm wrote: »

don't see any end to this,

Because there is not going to be an end to it. Unless your wife-to-be sees that her behaviour is problematic and she really, really, really wants to change, things will remain as they are or get worse. Even if she does want to change, there is no guarantee that she will, but if she doesn't want to change, then there is just zero hope.

Your relationship is a nightmare, OP, and you know it. It seems to me that you want to leave but you are afraid of how it will affect your partner, and I get that. But you see, that sense of emotional over-responsibility for her is part of the toxic system between you two. If you feel that leaving your partner is a healthy choice for you, then you need to let go of the sense of responsibility of what it is going to do to her, and just leave. Right now her well-being is more important to you than yours, and that's just not good.

In my view, unless there is some serious couple's counseling and individual counseling involved, the relationship will continue to be toxic. This is one of those cases, where the best solution seems to be to leave, go to counseling to sort out the reasons why you allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship, and then try again with someone new.

Oh Op, whatever you do, do please, please, please not get married to this woman. Things will get far, far worse than you can imagine because once you crack up and decide that you can take no more(and believe me,that day will come) then legally half of your stuff, your money and your house! will indeed be hers! And guess what, she delightes in men losing everything and their ex-wifes bleeding them dry. I bet she revels in the fact that one day, she's gonna do exactly that! This womand sounds like a right lunatic to put it kindly. Please cut your losses and leave and get financially well again. Let her leach off someone else, you're too good a man for her.

If you try to leave there will be drama, talk to your parents and have somewhere to stay if necessary. Do everything to cut contact as quickly as possible, don't engage in debates, you say you are leaving and when she tries to fight it tell her its not up for debate.

I have difficulty picking up on emotion and I can see you're not happy and never will be in the current situation, save yourself from all the stress and unhappiness you mentioned.

In my long necked opinion you need to lay down the law in a thoughtful, respectful but unmistakeably clear manner.

You are a good man with much to offer somebody; and it's arguably quite unfair of her to not contribute to sh*t. I would imagine even a nominal, token contribution would probably be of great relief to you. Not only from a financial point of view; but more so in a I-appreciate-all-the-things-you-provide-for-me-and-whilst-I-regrettably-don't-have-a-huge-amount-of-my-own-money-at-the-minute-I-would-like-to-show-you-I-care-by-sometimes-paying-for-my-own-sh*t kind of way. You have great worth fellow mammal and you deserve total respect from her for what you bring to the table. You may want to give her another chance; and she be may be deserving of this chance; I don't know - but this should occur only after you have laid down the law in a thoughtful, respectful; but unmistakeably clear manner. If sh*t doesn't work out after that; then so be it.

The woman is a vampire OP, both emotionally and financially. And you are thinking of tying yourself to her forever? She no doubt sees you as an idiot as well. Please love yourself and leave her.

Count your lucky stars you are not married to her!!!

You say she had a miscarriage yet she was tgreatening to block you seeing the child if she didnt get her way? Am I reading it wrong or was she while pregnant already toying with costody and access to make you obey?! Run away from this person quickly once there is a wedding and children you will be trapped forever with this loon

Hi OP,

This isn't going to be easy for me to write up but I feel that I must as I just see so many parallels between us at the moment.

Also this is going to be a long one so please bear with me.

I'm just out of a similar relationship just over a month now. I had to end it myself for my own sanity.

When I first met this woman I knew that she had bratty tenancies as one of the first times I took her on a date. She loved to tell this as a nice romantic story about when we first got together but she always left out the secondary part.

Ok so she's going with friends to The Rocky Horror Picture Show (which I love too, incidentally) and she invites me along. Great! I can't wait.

Things happen in work that mean that I have to stay for an extra hour or so, so by the time I get there there's a huge queue into the venue and I had to wait outside for an hour to get in as the queue was stopped every so often due to fire safety regulations.

Anyway I go in to the club and a merry time is had by all... until we go to leave. So as we're leaving we're having a ciggie outside (We're both social smokers) and we get talking to this Canadian girl who seems quite upset. The Canadian lady is pissed drunk, is only here for a few weeks and has been abandoned by her friends - she has no idea how to get back to her hostel or where it is.

Being the kind of person that I am I couldn't just leave her there so as she was unsteady on her feet I asked her to give me her high heels and I wrapped her arm around my shoulder and we walked her to a taxi. My GF (who wasn't 100% my gf yet at the time) all seemed fine with this by the way.

Anyway so I manage to find her a taxi, get her jumped in the queue and see her off and ask the taxi man to look after her and make sure that she gets back to her hotel ok.

So any rational person might think 'that's a nice thing that you did... you're a nice guy' or whatever. (This wasn't for show by the way, that really is just who I am).

Anyway... off she goes on a strop... marching ahead of me calling me all the names under the sun saying stuff like 'well why don't you just go out with her then?!' etc etc.

Your typical bratty girl with Daddy issues with low self esteem. That should have set warning lights off at the start.

Let's see, fast forward a few months later when the first time we told eachother that we loved eachother was after having a massive argument in the street about god knows what.

Fast forward again about two years or so and we decide to move in togeher. Funilly enough the only place that we saw that was acceptable to her was the place that was five minutes down the road from her mother's house.

It's all too convenient to have her Dad to drive her around anywhere if she needs it or to ask her Mum to do the overflow of the washing because it has piled up. (I kept trying to do mine separately as I don't like it buildin up like that but that was selfish of me for not doing hers too apparently).

Basically I ended up in a relationship with a woman who kept telling me that she didn't believe that I loved her and that I had to prove it to her.

I couldn't afford an engagement ring at the time but I was planning to ask her to marry me at some point. (I wonder why I ever had notions of that in my head at the time now that I can see from the outside in... but that's a separate story).

Ok so I'm not proud of this next part but I feel that it's important to mention.

We argued every few days over the smallest and most stupid of things. Who had control of the TV... we didn't go out enough... I wasn't affectionate enough... I didn't do enough for her etc. She always said it was unfair that she did more housework than I did, to which I would reply that I thought that it was more than fair considering that I was covering her half of the bills.

That's another thing actually, she was in a rather low income job and used to get very upset that she couldn't afford to buy nice things for myself the way that I could owing to the fact that she'd have maybe €30 left a week after paying her share of rent & bills etc.
Being the sort of person that I am (an idiot, you see) I offered to cover her share with some of my disposable income so that she was free to maybe have a few drinks or buy herself a nice dress every now and then.

I can see now that basically she was a child that was too used to getting her own way. She wanted to have her cake and to eat it too. I also feel that I should point out that she is sixyears older than I am. I'm 27 and she's 33.

So anyway as I was saying we'd argue all the time, I was saying that her doing more around the house more than made up for the fact that I was covering her rent and bills etc which she never agreed with. Whatever.

I would do my part around the house and then she'd stop completely... as if expecting me to look after everything for her. She was always leaving food or plates or clothes lying around. Yet she would always tell me that I was the messy one and what's worse is I ended up believing it too!

I'm usually a pretty laid back person but this woman had the ability to turn me into a screaming ball of rage during an argument, she knew exactly which buttons to push and she would say some horrible manipulative stuff too like that my family didn't love me that she was the only one that cared etc etc. Stuff said just to hurt me, she knows that I have issues about that kinda stuff.

It got to a stage at one point that I started talking to a girl on Facebook that I knew from years ago that I had a bit of a fling with but it never went any further. We started reminiscing about old times and that quickly turned into sexting.

No I'm not proud of it but I just wanted to feel good about myself again... that there was somebody still out there that wanted me and found me attractive. This went on for a few weeks until she found out.

I went to bed early one night and left my phone lying around, it's an Android phone so when you get a text message even if the phone is locked it'll display the message in the notification bar. She read this and she knew my code (she was jealous and paranoid before this so asked me what it was... and me wanting not to get a headache that day gave it to her stupidly).

So this ended up in a giant two days worth of drama. I'm no angel in this scenario but she basically told me that if I wasn't willing to prove that I was committed to her that it was over.

We were due to go on holiday a few days later and she refused to go, eventually I convinced her to come with me so that we could relax and unwind and work on ourselves so we did just that.

At that stage I only had a few hundred put by for an engagement ring but luckily enough while I was over there I found the perfect ring. I had tricked her into trying on rings *just for fun* but I'm sure she knew exactly what I was up to.

When she wasn't around (which believe me was harder to convince her to do more than anything) I went and bought the ring.

Although I hadn't proposed that day she's not stupid she knew exactly what was going on and let me tell you I had the best sex of my life that night!

Anyway... the reason I'm telling you this is because this is where it all started going down hill for me.

I felt pressured into getting engaged to her and once I did propose a few months later (I was seriously mulling over if it was actually a good idea or not) it all spiralled from there.

We had other debts of back rent that weren't paid due to a clerical error on my part (I had to take control of both of our finances as she was absolutely shockingly bad at budgeting for herself) so it meant that the only way we were going to have a wedding *within two years* as she wanted (her parents are old, she wanted the wedding before either of them passed away... fair enough I thought) is if we took out a joint loan.

I don't know what I was thinking... I honestly don't. This is a woman I refused to open a joint bank account with because I just simply didn't trust her with having access to my money.

So anyway we took out a 10k loan. Then only a few months ago her job tells her that she's being made redundant.

This is a job by the way that has been going down the tubes for years (she's a montessori teacher) with less and less children going each year.

I had to push her and push her to look for a new job but she wasn't willing or was 'too afraid' to do so. I gave her an ultimatum about looking for new work now that she knew that she was being let go so she finally did with a lot of my help.

In the mean time though when everything was uncertain she was panicking and lashing out and I tried to comfort her by saying 'look everything will work out... even if it means that we have to move back home with our parents for a while so that we can get you a new job then it'll all be fine'.

She went off on one saying that she'd cancel the wedding as there'd be no point in getting married if we didn't live together (I could never understand the logic of this). This ended up in a massive argument.

An argument that finally broke me. An argument that finally made me question why I was with this woman. Everything was on a whim for her. She was full of self entitlment and brattiness.

Now don't get me wrong we had our good times but they were always overshadowed by her constant neediness (needing to have her hand held every few minutes or constantly hugged and kissed etc), her constant need to be in my company (she would ring me constantly if we were apart... even when I was in work which I had to ask her to stop doing).

She didn't know how to be herself, to be her own person. It's like she relied on me to help her to feel whole.

I did love her... part of me does still love her but mostly I feel sorry for her.

I'll explain what happened next as again it's not something I'm proud of. So after that big 'we shouldn't get married if we can't live together' argument we ended up having another small fight two days later.

Don't ask me what it was about as I have absolutely no idea. I had just that day met up with a friend to explain to her how I was feeling... that I wasn't sure I loved this person anymore and that if I did it was being overshadowed by the sandness and emptiness and 'I have given up' feeling that I had.

So even though I was working up to saying this to my fiancée it all came spilling out after that argument. That how she was treating me was making me fall out of love with her, that I was unsure about the wedding.

That I felt pressured into getting married and pretty much everything I've said on this thread.

She promised to work on things and go back to counselling and all stuff like this. It seemed promising... things were hanging on by a thread hair but they were hanging on.

I was willing to salvage it. Why? I don't know... I guess that I was afraid of being single... afraid of being lonely.

Cut to a day later... I get home from work and she's very very cold with me. This is a woman who unfortunately would bottle up her true feelings until they came bursting out in a torrent of verbal abuse.

I was willing to put up with that as I knew that she must be dealing with some ****. I asked her to talk to me about it but she just kept saying that she was upset and felt rejected etc.

Fair enough I guess.

Cut to the next morning and I'm in work (I work in IT so always have access to the Internet etc).

She messages me on Facebook with a torrent of abuse about how I'm an asshole about how she was right that I never loved her etc etc etc...

I just kept asking her to leave me alone that it could wait until I got home. So I'd close out of FB and FB chat and then she'd text me. I'd ignore that and she'd send me messages of abuse on Viber etc etc.

I ignored it. Three hours later she messages me to apologise but I ignore her. I'm fuming at her at this stage. To be so selfish as to make me feel like that especially when she knows that I'm in the kind of job that requires me to be composed at all times.

I was feeling incredulous at her sheer selfishness at that point (which is ironic as she used to delight in telling people how selfish I am for... I dunno... not wanting to make her cups of coffee sometimes...).

So 5pm rolls around. Did I do the sensible thing and go home to talk about it? Of course not... I went to the pub with mates got pissed and decided that I was ending things there and then.

I get home with virtually no contact from her since about 2pm that day (I was ignoring her).

I get in and she tries to talk to me about things and I just let it rip, tell her that she's ruining my life that she's making me depressed that I wished I had had the courage to end things with her but that I'm a coward when it comes to these kinds of things... etc etc etc.

I said some pretty nasty horrible things that she didn't deserve.

You see the thing is... deep down she's a nice girl. She means well, and she did a lot for me and for both of us throughout the relationship. Ugh... I'm tearing up as I write this but it has to be done.

OP like my ex I don't think your fiancée is doing these things on purpose but unfortunately she needs help. She needs a lot of help. She's making a lot of her issues yours which you probably can't see right now (I couldn't). She's projecting a lot of her fears and worries onto you.

That doesn't excuse her though. At the end of the day this person is never going to be happy in a relationship because they're not happy themselves. My ex would constantly tell me that I didn't love her because she didn't love herself. She didn't feel worthy of love... things happened in her past that screwed up her idea of what love is.

She was passive aggressive she was over emotional she was fragile she was over dependant she was needy she was spiteful she was bitchy and she was greedy. She was also kind hearted and loving and would do anything for me if I asked.

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself, are you happy? If you even have to think about the answer to that question for more than half a milisecond then you have your answer.

I was afraid of ending it and infact I thought I had made a huge mistake when I did and begged her to take me back.

Her spiteful family had gotten to her at that stage though. This shows you the type of family these people come from. I came home one day to find that our table and chairs, coffee machine, air fryer, fire extinguisher, small keys basket, various towels and bed covers and a chest freezer had been removed from the apartment. These were all gifts the family had given us... *US* over the years.

This person was abusive, physically a few times too just like your fiancée. I almost came to blows with her myself at one point... she would get me so worked up then would block the door and not let me leave as she was panicked that I was abandoning her whereas I needed to leave to clear my head.

She also threw the engagement ring back at me during an argument and stuff like that.

I could write a small novel on the amount of crap that we went through in that six year long toxic relationship but that's what it was... it was toxic.

It's a month later for me now. Have I cried over things? Yes. Am I fully over her? Not completely... although I am mostly.

Things do get better. I am really enjoying the freedom of having an entire apartment to myself now, yes it costs more money but it actually balances out as I'm not paying for half of her crap anymore.

My advice to you OP... get out NOW before you start to lose your sanity.

At the end of the day constantly striving to keep another person happy isn't how a relationship should be. You're not somebody else's rock and you never should be (as romantic as the idea is).

Friends of mine put it to me best which seriously made me consider things. What they said to me was this; "What would you rather? Cut your losses now, have a few debts that you can work out or end up in divorce and a possible custody battle a few years down the line?"

That really hit home with me as my parents broke up when I was three and I would never wish that experience on anybody.

OP please do what you need to do. Cut your loses and get out now. Yes there will be drama there will be name calling and there will be upset... but trust me it will be worth it.

You will start to feel better about yourself again as I'm slowly learning to now.

TL;DR: I know that feel bro, get the hell out while you can.

If you ever need anybody to talk to who absolutely understands what you're currently going through please PLEASE do not hesitate to contact me ok?

Keep your chin up.

Ohh that reminds me. With stuff like bonuses I got from work or when I got a gift card from my Dad at Christmast my ex would see this as 'half hers' too.