All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

BrensBenz · 16-11-2014 11:48pm

looksee wrote: »

Since the aforesaid jacket is no doubt well decorated by dessicated woodlice and bits of spider web, sawdust, splashes of varnish, spots of indeterminate chemicals used on boats, and other such detritus, maybe you should downgrade a different jacket (with working azip) to boatshed jacket, and use the current one for polishing cloths?

Janey Mac, that's scary! Just how did you know that???????

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Or do what I do.....thou must takest thine fleece unto a sewing expert and they will install a new slider upon thine zip. In the past I have visited yon Zipyard establishments with marvellous and magical success! Thou must decide if thine fleece is really worth such expense of course.

http://thezipyard.ie/

I've given this some deep thought and, because the woof knows that when I'm wearing this jacket, he's not getting took for walkies, while every other jacket means a trip to the beach for him, I have decided on a replacement of the azip with an industrial strength azip. What care I of fashion while sharpening lawn mower blades? The original azip was forever "peeling" and exposing my tumtum to battery acid and solder burns. I'll have one of those beasty azips you get on wetsuits, thank you.

And while I'm at it, I might also get an azip fitted to the delightful gown I have to wear for CT scans but, of course, for entirely different reasons.

OldGoat · 17-11-2014 10:28am

Zips, pft! Use a pop riveter to close it up and then use those half hacksaw blades when you want to open it again. The Shed demands a shed type fix.

Poor Uncle Tom · 17-11-2014 11:40am

I had occasion to change the zip on my britches for duffle buttons, it worked a treat even if it did get a tad breezy for outdoor activities. No blushes were spared while limbo dancing either, but otherwise it proved very versatile.

looksee · 17-11-2014 12:06pm

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

I had occasion to change the zip on my britches for duffle buttons, it worked a treat even if it did get a tad breezy for outdoor activities. No blushes were spared while limbo dancing either, but otherwise it proved very versatile.

Duffle buttons. On trousers. Right. :eek:

BrensBenz · 17-11-2014 12:24pm

OldGoat wrote: »

Zips, pft! Use a pop riveter to close it up and then use those half hacksaw blades when you want to open it again. The Shed demands a shed type fix.

Poor Uncle Tom wrote: »

I had occasion to change the zip on my britches for duffle buttons, it worked a treat even if it did get a tad breezy for outdoor activities. No blushes were spared while limbo dancing either, but otherwise it proved very versatile.

Hmmm, many thanks to youse two heroes for those interesting and manly concepts:

Rivet or maybe weld the azip closed and wear the jacket like a gansey or
attach a network of toggles and ropework.

I also have velcro strips in stock which could be riveted over the azip so that, when I emerge from the boatshed and return to the bosom of my household, I could do a Full Monty impression, ripping the fleecy off and driving Mrs. BrensBenz wild at the sight of my 17 year-old shed polo shirt.

Actually, just between us, my shed ensemble is a little incongruous at the moment. I may have mentioned previously my acquisition of shed trousers with umpteen pockets? Well, apparently these don't match my shed polo shirt and, as a result, I'm a "holy show", rivalling (my hero) Rab C. Nesbitt.

Even more hurtful comments have been made about my shedshoes. These were cool, hip and trendy.....in 1989.....and have several thousand miles on their clock. "Why don't you wear your Dube yokes in the shed instead of those articles?" "Whoh??? My good Dubes that I only bought in 1993???" To quote a recently deceased cleric from Norn Arn: "Never, Never, Never".

looksee · 17-11-2014 1:34pm

Yay, I have water! In the kitchen, in the sink! Been getting the kitchen done and water has been disconnected for a week (fortunately the downstairs loo gets mains water owing to addled plumbing 40-odd years ago, so its not been too much of an issue). Just have to get tiler, electrician, painter and floorer in now...

Thankfully I have someone organising the job for me and its the best money you can spend doing this kind of thing, if you can't do it yourself. Time was I would have taken it on, but at this stage its a blessing to have someone else sort it. And I reckon in the end, he makes savings for me (including the VAT refund thing) so he doesn't actually cost me at all. Win win!

Jellybaby1 · 17-11-2014 11:18pm

Hmmmm. What VAT refund thing?

looksee · 17-11-2014 11:31pm

Its a recent thing where if you do home improvement stuff (almost anything that will get builders working again) and you do it with vat registered and approved builders you can claim back the 13.5% vat on all costs, you get it back as tax credits. I am still not sure how it works if you are on a pension and are not paying much tax, I will let you know

It seems to apply to the actual work, plus fitted kitchens and appliances, and the extras like tiles etc. I don't think it applies to freestanding appliances, but I am not sure. The guy who is managing the job will sort all that out for me! I think the rule of thumb is that f it has a 13.5% vat rate you can claim it.

BrensBenz · 18-11-2014 1:23am

looksee wrote: »

Just have to get tiler, electrician, painter and floorer in now...

Could you check their fleecy jackets to see if they have azips or are spot-welded, rivetted or velcroed closed? And do their jackets match their shirts? And, while avoiding builders' cleavage, if you could count their trouser pockets so I'll know if I have enough to pass as a tradesman - thanks.

PS: When is the kitchen-warming party?

looksee · 18-11-2014 9:00am

Brens, at the risk of getting some funny looks, i will check on the above for you today. My very casual observation from the last few days is that its really all very boring, jeans with standard number of pockets and quite characterless fleeces with very little interesting decoration - and singularly unimaginative zip closures. I will take closer note however and report back.

OldGoat · 18-11-2014 10:17am

BrensBenz wrote: »

Could you check their fleecy jackets to see if they have azips or are spot-welded, rivetted or velcroed closed?

PS: When is the kitchen-warming party?

Don't forget the gaffer tape solution.

Party? I must pack an overnight bag.
Martini glass. Check
Gin. Check
Jar of olives. Check
Olive stick. Check
Ice. Check
Vermouth. Check. (Then unpacked again). Check.

I'm good to go.

Layinghen · 18-11-2014 12:24pm

Party?did someone say party?

Ok little dog pack Mummies bag we are going on a road trip. Throw in a few bottles of red, some white and a bottle of bubbly...........oh and some of the good teabags for Jellybaby.

Ok I'm all set:):)

BrensBenz · 18-11-2014 2:34pm

looksee wrote: »

My very casual observation from the last few days is that its really all very boring, jeans with standard number of pockets and quite characterless fleeces with very little interesting decoration - and singularly unimaginative zip closures.

Hmmm, these might not be genuine tradesmen after all but alien imposters from Nobber, (Nawbaw) Co. Meath. I had one of them here recently to fit new eaves, soffits and guhhers. (I've been banned from ladders for medicinal reasons).

He had standard jeans (with built-in cleavage) and an unremarkable fleecy with a big azip.

He carried an amazingly surreal spirit level which insisted that water flows uphill and fitted all of the guhhers according to the advice from that spirit level. Oh, what fun we had listening to rain dripping from the wrong end of the guhhers…..doink…..doink…..doink…..

We’ve been harvesting rainwater ever since the guvverment hinted at water charges but thanks to Nawbawhead, our supply went dry. Mrs. BrensBenz was keen to have Nawbawhead revisit but only to hear his accent again. Manfully, I took control of the sitchyayshin, broke out the ladder – what care I for injury, pain or death? – and adjusted the guhhers to align with the ideas of Isaac Newton. Now, all is well in our taps.

Do any of your tradesmen have Nawbaw accents?

PS: Speaking of guhhers, do any of yiz know where gurcake gets its name from? Well, during the processing of other, inferior cakes, fruit would sometimes fall off the track and into guhhers fitted to the sides of the track. This fruit would then be used to make “guttercake” but, because Dubs refuse to pronounce “T” in the middle of words, it became “guhhercake” and later, “gurcake”.

This is gospel according to my granda who also told me, one day when the tide was out, that huge English whales swam over here and drank all of the sea. “But don’t worry”, he consoled, “they’ll soon do massive weewees and then you can go swimming again”.

looksee · 18-11-2014 4:03pm

Hm, well one of the alien imposters hasn't turned up (why is 'imposters' being objected to by the spelling gnomes?), so far we have flooring installed by a very boring outfit similar to your gutterman, but no tiles. And the carpenters have all gone to ground as well it seems, obviously the building trade is looking up!

Rubecula · 18-11-2014 11:41pm

looksee wrote: »

Hm, well one of the alien imposters hasn't turned up (why is 'imposters' being objected to by the spelling gnomes?), so far we have flooring installed by a very boring outfit similar to your gutterman, but no tiles. And the carpenters have all gone to ground as well it seems, obviously the building trade is looking up!

SHHH Looksee you will be attracting Trolls next

BrensBenz · 25-11-2014 1:06pm

Where are yiz all, at all, at all?

Have you noticed the skies lately? Great displays of colour yesterday morning and evening. Mrs. BrensBenz was out at first light with the woof and her digitous camera and got some really nice shots which went straight to FaceAche.
Today's offering is fifty shades of grey but it's a pleasant morning for washing the car..........if anyone has a few minutes to spare.....?

Oh, and if youze bakey cakey-type folk are too busy putting marzipan on Christmas cakes to post on Os&Os, I can reveal that it IS possible to omit bluddy marzipan. Icing will NOT explode if placed in contact with cake and none of Michael Jackson's zombies will batter down your doors.

My sister has taken over cake-making duties from the Mammy and, when asked for preferences, I mentioned the poisonous nature and environmental hazards of marzipan. "Oh", my sister replied. "I'll make one without marzipan, just icing." A deathly hush, sitting on a wave of disbelief went around the room. "What is this new, devilish magic? Will we have to go to confession if we eat Christmas cake without marzipan?" I checked my catechism bewk and didn't find any ban on marzipan-free Christmas cake. So, to all of yiz bakers out there, bin the marzipan. Wrap the sprouts in it and donate it to your local clay pigeon shooting club. PM me for addresses.

OldGoat · 25-11-2014 1:26pm

Marzipan is the only reason cake exists. Almond deliciousness.

BBDBB · 25-11-2014 1:52pm

Marzipan is the work of the divil

Renounce Marzipan
Renounce Frangipan
Renounce any other kind of almond based pan type thing

Bless us oh Lord and keep thy bounty if it contains any marzipan based flavouring

Amen

Jellybaby1 · 25-11-2014 3:32pm

BBDBB wrote: »

Marzipan is the work of the divil Amen

No, you've got that wrong, its not marzipan, its brussell sprouts that are pure evil!

P.S. I'd also like to know where everyone is hiding.

BBDBB · 25-11-2014 3:48pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

No, you've got that wrong, its not marzipan, its brussell sprouts that are pure evil!

P.S. I'd also like to know where everyone is hiding.

lets agree that they are both the work of Beelzebub?

Ive been working, business has picked up at last and had a health scare recently so haven't been about much and generally feeling unsociable

looksee · 25-11-2014 5:23pm

Goodness it doesn't feel like 12 months since we had the last almond paste/marzipan discussion

Ye can have the cake, save me the marzipan (don't let OG scoff it all)

Jellybaby1 · 25-11-2014 5:53pm

BBDBB wrote: »

lets agree that they are both the work of Beelzebub?

Ive been working, business has picked up at last and had a health scare recently so haven't been about much and generally feeling unsociable

Sorry to hear that BB, quite understandable that you've been away. Hope there is some improvement for you soon.

BBDBB · 25-11-2014 6:07pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Sorry to hear that BB, quite understandable that you've been away. Hope there is some improvement for you soon.

Its not as bad as I first feared fortunately but it does now mean Im on medication now, Im still getting used to the idea let alone the practicalities

Rubecula · 25-11-2014 7:47pm

BBDBB I will be thinking of you oul friend. I am on medication for life myself so I know what it is like. take care of yourself.

PS Please please please can we have more Sprouts and marzipan? In fact can we have marzipan covered sprouts? LOVELY

Oh by the way I went to the hospital today for a quick check up on my eyes and ended up having quick surgery on me eyes Totally unexpected.

looksee · 26-11-2014 12:17am

Apologies I have edited this as it was, I now see, a rather inappropriate response to stress, and although it does now not make a lot of sense, I am leaving in the appreciation for SJA.

Lesson 2 (and the reason for writing this) St Johns Ambulance are brilliant and if they shake a bucket in your direction, please throw in a couple of euros, you never know when you might need them!

BrensBenz · 26-11-2014 12:40am

Rubecula wrote: »

BBDBB I will be thinking of you oul friend. I am on medication for life myself so I know what it is like. take care of yourself.

PS Please please please can we have more Sprouts and marzipan? In fact can we have marzipan covered sprouts? LOVELY

Oh by the way I went to the hospital today for a quick check up on my eyes and ended up having quick surgery on me eyes Totally unexpected.

Also, best wishes to BBDBB - the phrase I use quite often when being sympathised with about medication is "it's better than the alternative".

Regarding "Please please please can we have more Sprouts and marzipan?" it is my considered, expert opinion that your optical problem is a symptom of defective taste buds, damaged beyond repair by marzipan, the Bruce Forsyth's wig of confectionary. However, I am advised that therapy for marzipanners is available - see Mr. Google for details.

The greatest pity with marzipan is that it's pong permeates the cake. Not only do you have to peel it off the cake, and hope that the woof will eat it, but you also have to sacrifice 1/4 inch of otherwise perfectly good but smelly cake.

Did I ever tell yiz about, after Christmas holidays in Ireland, being lead into a windowless room at Heathrow, by officers with very large guns and an alsatian, and being questioned for a very long time about a suspicious parcel in my suitcase? My underpants remained untainted.....but only just. At the time, the IRA were active in the UK and a check of my passport number revealed that I had travelled extensively in Europe and the US.

"The item repels X-Ray and is slightly spongey to the touch, Sarge" said the nice female officer. "Oh, like Semtex", responded her buddy, the outside toilet-sized male officer. "Whoh" said I. "Yes, I packed the case myself." No, I don't know anything about a package, honest Guv!"

"Hmm, you've been to the Czech Republic recently (where Semtex was made)? And you go to Sweden and Poland quite often?" "Yeah buh yeah buh!"

Eventually, another nice female officer carried in a tray of tea and Christmas cake. "That suspect package, Sarge? It's Christmas cake wrapped in aluminium foil. It's nice! Here, try a piece."

Me Mammy had wrapped a lump of Christmas cake in X-Ray-proof foil and smuggled it into my suitcase before I left home. The relief was indescribable. We ALL peeled off the marzipan, gave it to the alsatian and tucked into the cake. Unfortunately, I don't know if the alsatian survived.

Jellybaby1 · 26-11-2014 12:46am

Sorry to hear about your woes, or should that be whoah's, Rube and looksee.

And Brens.......aren't mammies just wonderful! Sneaking all that love into your bag behind your back!

Layinghen · 26-11-2014 12:52am

Best wishes to all our casualties.

Marzipan season again........not for me I am afraid can't stand the texture of it. A nice glass of Amaretto though, no problem:D

BrensBenz · 26-11-2014 1:19am

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

And Brens.......aren't mammies just wonderful! Sneaking all that love into your bag behind your back!

Well......I later mentioned this episode to the Mammy and emphasised that aluminium or tin foil is not a good idea in suitcases going through airports. Imagine my surprise when the Brurder was later stopped at Gatwick....for carrying a suspicious package in his luggage! The Mammy had heeded my advice about tin foil, wrapped the Easter cake in grease-proof paper BEFORE wrapping it in tin foil! Oh how we laughed?!?!

While we try to figure out why the Mammy wants us to be arrested by HM security forces, we now check all cases before driving to the Airport.

BrensBenz · 26-11-2014 1:37am

looksee wrote: »

Lessons: modern paint and varnish now has much less whatever it is that makes paint noxious, this must have been older stuff, and really bad.

Lesson 2 (and the reason for writing this) St Johns Ambulance are brilliant and if they shake a bucket in your direction, please throw in a couple of euros, you never know when you might need them!

Please, please, I know this: Modern paint and farnish (as my Granda called it) is water-based rather than smelly, inflammable stuff. You can wash the brushes in the sink, with Fairy Liquah, block the drain and destroy the environment.

However, whatever you do, DON'T buy a car with water-based paint unless the car will remain indoors. See, when birdies do their poops on water-based paint, or leaves fall onto your bonnet, the paint gets damaged and the dealer will laugh and repair the paint for vast amounts of your money.

And "YES" to St. Johns Ambulance! Great bunch of lads and lassies!

Chucken · 26-11-2014 3:19pm

Grandson number 2 finally decided to make an appearance, 4 days past his due date. He was born at 1.36am weighing in at 8lb 2oz. Momma and baby doing just fine

Dad is fine too even if he's a bit tired from his late night :rolleyes:

Layinghen · 26-11-2014 6:06pm

More important how is nana doing??????

Many congrats Chucken.

Jellybaby1 · 26-11-2014 8:07pm

Yay! A noo hoomin bean has arrived!! Aw that's luvly, just in time for the Chrissymas too.:)

BBDBB · 26-11-2014 8:39pm

Congratulations Chucken to all concerned

Rubecula · 26-11-2014 9:27pm

BrensBenz wrote: »

Regarding "Please please please can we have more Sprouts and marzipan?" it is my considered, expert opinion that your optical problem is a symptom of defective taste buds, damaged beyond repair by marzipan, the Bruce Forsyth's wig of confectionary. However, I am advised that therapy for marzipanners is available - see Mr. Google for details.

The greatest pity with marzipan is that it's pong permeates the cake. Not only do you have to peel it off the cake, and hope that the woof will eat it, but you also have to sacrifice 1/4 inch of otherwise perfectly good but smelly cake.

Philistine you don't deserve your Marvelous Marzipan :pac:

One day I may tell you about my very first ever visit to the land of my ancestors...... (Ireland) And how the Gardai showed me the fastest way to sober up. :eek:

Layinghen wrote: »

Best wishes to all our casualties.

Marzipan season again........not for me I am afraid can't stand the texture of it. A nice glass of Amaretto though, no problem:D

If it is just the texture Hen then you made the right choice in drinkypoos

I would use the Amoretto to wash it down myself, but everyone to their own. I only have one problem with marzipan. I am not allowed to eat it any more.

Chucken wrote: »

Grandson number 2 finally decided to make an appearance, 4 days past his due date. He was born at 1.36am weighing in at 8lb 2oz. Momma and baby doing just fine

Dad is fine too even if he's a bit tired from his late night :rolleyes:

Tis the dad I feel sorry for you wimmin have no idea what us lads have to go through when a baby is due. :cool:

PS well done to mum and Chuckenana xxxxxxx

BrensBenz · 27-11-2014 4:44pm

Chucken wrote: »

Grandson number 2 finally decided to make an appearance, 4 days past his due date. He was born at 1.36am weighing in at 8lb 2oz. Momma and baby doing just fine

Oh, Excellent! Congrats, Chucken.
Before my grandson's arrival last year, I took just a passing interest in new arrivals but now I have been thoroughly educated. A grandchild is God's way of apologising for the sleepless nights, nappy changing and burps that accompanied your own kids. I hope your grandchildren give you the same boost that my little man gives me.

Rubecula wrote: »

Tis the dad I feel sorry for you wimmin have no idea what us lads have to go through when a baby is due.

So true! But we endure it with manly, stoic silence.
I attended the births of both of my only begotten children and you cannot imagine the disappointment when the nurse asks you to "step outside for a few moments, while we take care of something or other." Sitting in the torture chamber / Dads' waiting room / nicotine smog chamber, with half a dozen other nervous wrecks, wondering what's wrong, waiting to be called back in is distressing.

Yes, I know that childbirth can be a little ouchy for the mammy but it isn't much fun for the daddy either.

Deftly stands to one side to avoid the tsunami of abuse from mammies.

BrensBenz · 27-11-2014 5:03pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

No, you've got that wrong, its not marzipan, its brussell sprouts that are pure evil.

It took me some time to recover from this....this.....statement.
See, there is an element of "optionality" with sprouts: Sprouts can be politely pushed to one side. If you're quick, you can sneak them back into the bowl without being seen. That noxious sprout stink can be removed by coating them in mashed spud, etc.

But marzipan has to be deliberately peeled or cut off before being dumped. Then your hands get smelly and, if you lick them clean, you'll spend extra time in the loo. It just sits there, lurking under the icing and clinging to the cake like the alien in......Alien! Hmmm, Sigourney Weaver.........phwooaaaarrrrrrrr!

No, I congratulate my sister for inventing a marzipan-free Christmas cake. Now, if only we could rid ourselves of New Years Eve...........

Chucken · 27-11-2014 10:15pm

Thanks everyone for the good wishes

I've learnt in the last 48 hours, that new babies are easier to mind than 2 year olds :pac:
It was grandson #1s 2nd birthday on Tuesday (25th). Once things started getting going for momma we had bets that the 2nd fella would arrive on the same date, but he fooled us by 90 minutes.

Anyway, it's all good. The 'big' boy is so gentle with the baby,it's a great start!

Chucken · 27-11-2014 11:40pm

Prompted by Master Rubes' ramblings on the radio...look what I found

BrensBenz · 29-11-2014 1:51pm

Chucken wrote: »

Prompted by Master Rubes' ramblings on the radio...

Please, oh pretty please, give us "todally-fed-up-with-realiddy-TV" folks, details of Rube's radio station and times. Is it on compuher only or could I get it in my car wurless? On FM or DAB? Frequency? (Technical term, nothing to do with biology.)

Chucken · 29-11-2014 2:24pm

I've sent you the link Brens

BrensBenz · 30-11-2014 1:46pm

Chucken wrote: »

I've sent you the link Brens

Many thanks. Tuned in last night and was treated to Rubecula's selection of 50s, 60s and 70s choons. Great stuff! Listening to the wurless late at night brought back some memories too!

I was on Mrs. BrensBenz computer, which has microscopic speakers, but I've just set up my laptop which has a sound system similar to one used by The Who.

Can't wait for next week! Neighbours beware.

Rubecula · 30-11-2014 11:06pm

Dear BrensBenz,

I would just like to thank you for your visit, and your persistence in getting in.

It shows me I need better locks on the doors.

Yours sincerely

DJ-Rubes

BrensBenz · 08-12-2014 1:33pm

BrensBenz wrote: »

I've just set up my laptop which has a sound system similar to one used by The Who.

Can't wait for next week! Neighbours beware.

What's that Robbie Burns said about "best laid schemes of mice and men"? "I'll just have a little lie down before the Rube Show," I said.....and woke at 3:47AM.

Mrs. BrensBenz is entirely responsible because she pulled the sleep-inducing duvet over me while I wasn't looking. So, now wide awake, late for Rubes, late for injection and meds, late / too early for Wheatie Bangs, etc., etc, I checked the woof. One eye opened, closed, snore, snore s'more!

As soon as I can manage to reduce my fingers to the size of drinking straws, I'll set up a Rube's Show alarm on this new smart(?) phone.

Speaking of which, have yiz noticed how mobile phones used to be the size of house bricks, gradually reduced to the size of credit cards but are now the size of portable TVs? Even my work trousers with multiple pockets can't accommodate this new yoke.

Layinghen · 08-12-2014 7:15pm

Greetings my fellow inmates from the sunny isle of Lanzarote. Temperatures at the moment have plummeted to 17 degs after a day of 20+degs.

So sitting on the balcony having a little tincture (naturally;)) watching the sun go down.

Would appreciate it if you all could cover for me with Matron:D:D:D

looksee · 08-12-2014 8:27pm

We will make a point of telling matron you are skiving.:pac:

There isn't a green 'jealous' emoticon.

Chucken · 09-12-2014 1:23pm

Layinghen wrote: »

Greetings my fellow inmates from the sunny isle of Lanzarote. Temperatures at the moment have plummeted to 17 degs after a day of 20+degs.

So sitting on the balcony having a little tincture (naturally;)) watching the sun go down.

Would appreciate it if you all could cover for me with Matron:D:D:D

:mad:

Layinghen · 09-12-2014 6:41pm

Ah now lads, I'm doing this for all of us:D:D

When I escape I fully believe in the mantra of you are only here for a short time, make sure it's a good time.

Anyway 22degs today - very hard to cope with:cool::cool::cool:

looksee · 09-12-2014 6:52pm

Is ban-hammering justified for gloating?

have a great time, enjoy!

Rubecula · 09-12-2014 10:30pm

looksee wrote: »

Is ban-hammering justified for gloating?

In this case it is compulsory methinks

All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

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