Remembering a deceased parent at wedding.

ClubDead · 13-09-2014 11:22pm #1

My mum passed away went I was a child and I’ve been thinking of ways to remember her at the service without being morbid. One idea which I thought sounded really lovely and simple was leaving a empty chair where she would have sit with a couple of roses on it. Does this sound a bit morbid? Anyone in a similar situation done anything else?

Also, like I said my mum passed when I was just a child. I’ve had lots of moments over the years when her lack of presence was hard (college grad etc), but I have to say the sadness that has come with planning my wedding in her absence has hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep finding myself tearing up over stupid things and for this reason I’m afraid of the emotion I’m going to feel on the day. Is or has anyone on here gone through something similar?

Topper7 · 13-09-2014 11:28pm

In the same boat as yourself. Debated what to do but thought it important to do something. Simple candle for rememberance at the end of the table & a few words to remember my mum is what we done.

alwaysadub · 13-09-2014 11:37pm

I've seen a few people having a little photo tied to your bouquet, ( I'm thinking of doing this) or have a photo on display on a little table at the ceremony/afters.
Probably have a memorial candle too, with a nice verse on it.

krazyklown · 13-09-2014 11:44pm

Was best man last weekend for one of my friends whose father passed away when we were in secondary school (nearly 20 years ago). He had a photo and candle on the altar in remembrance. his dads brother spoke a few words in his dads absence as did his mother at the reception. The groom also struggled to contain his emotion during his speech when talking about how life changed when his dad passed away. To be honest, having spoken to a couple of people, it put the wedding on a bit of a downer as unfortunately people in Ireland struggle to deal with emotional moments (as if its a sign of weakness..etc.. i know its a bit sad.) I think having a private family moment before the wedding, maybe on the way to the church or something the day before. Having just got married myself, i know how lucky i am to have had both our parents there - you are right to mark it - just be aware that it can affect the mood of your reception (not trying to be offensive or anything). Or maybe try and use a happy memory of your mam, that might make people smile. In my own case, we lost a sister, and during my speech i just mentioned 'special people' who couldnt be there - i think the important people knew who i was thinking about. its hard, but you have the right to do whatever you feel is appropriate. best of luck with the preparations.

carolinespring · 14-09-2014 12:26am

We had a small table set in the corner of the room with a framed photo of Dad on it and a glass of Jameson in his honor. Most people didn't notice but it felt to me that he was part of the day. We had a toast to him after dinner as well.

almorris · 14-09-2014 6:48am

I've seen this done a few different ways. Candle at the alter, with a few words from the Priest / Solemniser. Some couple's like a private photo at the grave after the ceremony or on the way to the venue. Or stop on the way with no photos. A moment of silence at the start of the speeches. Hasn't seemed to affect the mood afterwards as most people take it for what it is. A sign of remembrance.
I would think that it would be strange not to do something.

fits · 14-09-2014 7:27am

Thinking about this. I'm an emotional sentimental eejit (got that from my dad) and don't want to cry during the ceremony. (I held it together at funeral). Don't know what to do...

RiseToMe · 14-09-2014 7:34am

My wife lost both her grandparents within a few days of eachother in the lead up to our wedding. We got framed pictures of them and special people I had lost and set up a small table with the pictures and some flowers etc.

Lainey_b01 · 14-09-2014 9:35am

Hi, I have been thinking about how to approach this also, my mam passed away 4 years ago and we both have a aunt & uncle whom were very close to pass on. Empty chair sounds nice but for me I think seeing it empty will be upsetting for my family and I.

So far the plan is to have a personalised candle and light on alter. Going to pop candle into lantern then and pop in on top table at reception. We are also going to name our tables with places/things special to our relationship. We are going to name a table in each of the three people's name and pop on a picture. Possibly might put something extra like stick your favourite memory in jar or something on each of three tables just to keep the spirit going rather than reflect on absence.

Plan to pop over to mams grave enroute to ceremony, think for me a picture at grave bit too far. It's a moment I doubt my dad or I will forget anyhow.

LynnGrace · 14-09-2014 11:22am

Some good suggestions there.
I like the idea of a candle at the altar, and a moment during the service, perhaps, to remember all those who are gone. I know some people like to have a private moment at the grave, or to place the bouquet there on the following day. A small photo at a side table with flowers is also nice.
Weddings tend to be emotional occasions anyway, so it's important to remember the person / people in a gentle, meaningful way.

Silverbling · 14-09-2014 11:25am

Hi

It is a very emotional day if you are missing a parent, I had a customer looking for the bouquet lockets and after weeks of searching I found a supplier, I am not sure if this will be classed as advertising on here so I will list it on adverts.ie

pooch90 · 14-09-2014 12:53pm

Both of us have lost our dads. We did a few things.

Obviously they were mentioned in the speeches a few times, they were the parts that got us choked up.

I had one of the bouquet lockets which I got on Etsy.
I had a button bouquet in which I included buttons belonging to every family member and I placed my dad's wedding ring in there too.
Was nice to have him close as I walked down the aisle with my mother.

We did the coin exchange in our spiritualist ceremony, using the coins my parents used at their wedding.
We had the wedding photos of both parents on the cake table.
Both mothers lit a coloured candle during the ceremony and we left them burning for the night, in the foyer then on the top table.

I thought I'd be a wreck but we got through ok, safe in the knowledge that both dad's would have loved the day and that we were both lucky enough to have met and been 'approved' by the fathers before their passing.
I think it's a day to just make sure the other parent is ok too. I know our mams found it hard.

fits · 14-09-2014 1:23pm

I am purposely choosing a venue far away from home and with no family memories for this reason (there are other reasons too but that's the main one). Less stress for my mum, and something new for all of us.

December2012 · 14-09-2014 7:51pm

At the time I had no deceased parents but I did have a deceased brother and recently deceased cousins.

I deliberately made no mention or reference to them, I did not want to be reminded of their absence.

Do what feels right to you.

There is no right or wrong.

Sala · 14-09-2014 8:04pm

It's very personal so you should do what you want, but if you are tearing up a lot do you think that maybe the empty chair might be a bit much for you? There's probably a fine line between remembering someone in a way that fits how important they are, and upsetting yourself too much on your own wedding day, so I would be careful to balance it we the need for you to have a great and happy day

cookiecakes · 14-09-2014 9:05pm

OP we had lost a few people who were very important to us before our wedding. We didn't want to draw huge attention to their absence as we knew it would upset some of my family and I'm a big crier anyway so we had a memoriam candle in the church and at the reception. It had a really nice verse on it about people who were in our hearts and we kept it lighting for the whole day. two of the people we had lost were my aunts and they were both very religious so I had a medal from each of them sown into the lining of my dress as my something old. No-one knew they were there but myself and my mam but I just wanted something from them close to me on the day. The priest was also one of my aunt's best friends and I knew she would have been made up for him to do the wedding. All of these little things added up to me feeling like they were there with me on the day.

michellie · 14-09-2014 9:20pm

Silverbling wrote: »

Hi

It is a very emotional day if you are missing a parent, I had a customer looking for the bouquet lockets and after weeks of searching I found a supplier, I am not sure if this will be classed as advertising on here so I will list it on adverts.ie

Hi can you PM me the link to that even you have
listed it please?

LynnGrace · 14-09-2014 10:07pm

Sala wrote: »

It's very personal so you should do what you want, but if you are tearing up a lot do you think that maybe the empty chair might be a bit much for you? There's probably a fine line between remembering someone in a way that fits how important they are, and upsetting yourself too much on your own wedding day, so I would be careful to balance it we the need for you to have a great and happy day

Agreed. I think this ^^ is well said.
It's an emotional occasion anyway, so that is why I'd recommend that it's something, as I said in my previous post, gentle and meaningful. Something that honours the person / people that you want to remember, but not in a way that could prove unduly upsetting for yourself, or indeed for other members of the family.

LynnGrace · 14-09-2014 10:11pm

cookiecakes wrote: »

OP we had lost a few people who were very important to us before our wedding. We didn't want to draw huge attention to their absence as we knew it would upset some of my family and I'm a big crier anyway so we had a memoriam candle in the church and at the reception. It had a really nice verse on it about people who were in our hearts and we kept it lighting for the whole day. two of the people we had lost were my aunts and they were both very religious so I had a medal from each of them sown into the lining of my dress as my something old. No-one knew they were there but myself and my mam but I just wanted something from them close to me on the day. The priest was also one of my aunt's best friends and I knew she would have been made up for him to do the wedding. All of these little things added up to me feeling like they were there with me on the day.

This is lovely. That is exactly what I mean, some little thing that is meaningful in a quiet way, that reminds you of those who are gone. That was a beautiful way to remember your aunts, on your special day.

ClubDead · 14-09-2014 10:15pm

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. There have been some really nice suggestions which I will incorporate......such as the photo locket in my bouquet and candle. With how I’m feeling now, I honestly don’t think I could say anything in my speech. I’m going to think about the chair idea, it sounds lovely to me but as Sala said it could be too much on the day. Thanks again everyone.

Keano · 14-09-2014 10:17pm

I got married 6 weeks ago and had to deal with your issue OP. My father died over 17 years ago so I had him mentioned in a prayer of the faithful. The priest also mentioned him at another stage. I then tried to mention him in my speech but got emotional and just left it to my best man to do that part for me. It didn't dampen the day at all.

ClubDead · 14-09-2014 10:32pm

Keano A Legend wrote: »

I got married 6 weeks ago and had to deal with your issue OP. My father died over 17 years ago so I had him mentioned in a prayer of the faithful. The priest also mentioned him at another stage. I then tried to mention him in my speech but got emotional and just left it to my best man to do that part for me. It didn't dampen the day at all.

It's weird isn't it, my mum passed 20 years ago but things like this just bring up so much. Im glad you had someone to help you through the speech.

pooch90 · 15-09-2014 12:25am

michellie wrote: »

Hi can you PM me the link to that even you have
listed it please?

I'm not who you asked but this is where I got mine. I got an oval one. The lady in the shop is just lovely to deal with too.
https://www.etsy.com/ie/shop/KeepsakesByKatherine?ref=shop_sugg

LynnGrace · 15-09-2014 8:57am

ClubDead wrote: »

It's weird isn't it, my mum passed 20 years ago but things like this just bring up so much. Im glad you had someone to help you through the speech.

Yes, it's a very emotional time, particularly when someone close is not there, and as another poster said, it's important to get the balance on the day, in remembering someone important to you, and not upsetting yourself or other family members.
All the best, and i hope you have a lovely day.

Sala · 15-09-2014 11:25am

ClubDead wrote: »

It's weird isn't it, my mum passed 20 years ago but things like this just bring up so much. Im glad you had someone to help you through the speech.

It's very normal. It's a particularly sad day because parents are the people above everyone else you'd imagine to be there. I know a few girls who have lost parents or have a terminally ill parent and a big thing that upsets them is that if they get married that parent won't be able to be there with them.

Your mum would want you to have a ball and celebrate your own life rather than spend the day feeling sad she not there.

Milly33 · 15-09-2014 11:25am

The locket idea is nice or even a nice picture of her at your table maybe in front of you or by the candles so you know she is there.. Empty chair does sound loverly alrite is also an thing that the Irish used to do years ago when having a party to set a seat at the table for someone who has passes on..

I would not think it is morbid defo not, a wedding recently kept mentioning how this lady who was there was very sick and I thought now that was morbid it was mentioned in the church close to remembering the dead prayer and in the speeches I was just like ohhh man stop saying it..

Was there any flowers you know of that your mum would have liked could use that in your bouquet also

razorblunt · 15-09-2014 12:37pm

ClubDead wrote: »

My mum passed away went I was a child and I’ve been thinking of ways to remember her at the service without being morbid. One idea which I thought sounded really lovely and simple was leaving a empty chair where she would have sit with a couple of roses on it. Does this sound a bit morbid? Anyone in a similar situation done anything else?

Also, like I said my mum passed when I was just a child. I’ve had lots of moments over the years when her lack of presence was hard (college grad etc), but I have to say the sadness that has come with planning my wedding in her absence has hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep finding myself tearing up over stupid things and for this reason I’m afraid of the emotion I’m going to feel on the day. Is or has anyone on here gone through something similar?

I'm in the same boat (my mam died when i was 16) I've mentioned it to the Rev conducting our ceremony (we're not religious he came with the church!) and he mentioned he could bring out the Remembrance candle normally used over Easter and during a brief pause in the ceremony I can go up and light it while he mentions what it's about. Thought this was a nice touch. I'll obviously be mentioning her in my speech too.

faceman · 15-09-2014 1:23pm

I've seen some touching things like a comment in the speech or flowers/photo during part of the ceremony and reception

I did attend one wedding where an urn with the cremated ashes of the deceased were on the top table and it was deemed a bit much by many people there

Neyite · 15-09-2014 4:25pm

I know that some brides who dont plan on tossing the bouquet visited the grave of their loved ones en route from the photos and placed the bouquets there.

An empty chair would be too much for me I'm afraid - I'd just get so sad and emotional, but I do like the idea of a candle and a wee drink in the corner. And maybe something secret like wearing something that reminds you of them on the day. I think I'd go for the favourite flowers.

Wabbit Ears · 15-09-2014 7:39pm

I was recently enough at a wedding where the mother had passed a good few years back. It was mentioned at least a dozen times during the mass, All the speeches talked about it several times also. It was fcuking ridiculous, Noone was mentioned more times then the Mother.

It was like, "Id like to thank my father, and my dead mother, and my granny, and my dead mother, and my Friends, Did I mention my mother? Shes dead, No, not recently mind you, poxy ages ago. Id like everyone to toast my bride, My mother would have approved of her, the dead one, *cries*"

Ill admit to being a terrible person, But at one point, if anyone else had mentioned the mother, I was going fcuking home, dig her up on my way and give her a punch. FFS You spend a bloody fortune as a couple to attend a wedding and its more about the deceased then the B&G. I cant even remember the name of the Bride but I know his fecking Ma's name it was repeated so many times.

I get people miss their loved ones, but there a hundred + people in the room that have probably never met the person and you've probably never even spoken about them until this occasion.

RMC10 · 15-09-2014 8:19pm

Woah, that's a bit harsh and insensitive wabbit ears. Its the couples prerogative to remember loved ones in whatever way they choose.

I'm facing my wedding in a couple of months without either of my parents, one died six years ago and the other earlier this year. I have my own ways decided as to how to include them that make me happy.

Anybodies parents would be a major part of the day had they been there to enjoy it so I don't see why anyone should be excluded because they're no longer around.

Wabbit Ears · 15-09-2014 8:34pm

Not harsh at all. This was way way over the top.

Most weddings loved ones and deceased members are mentioned and, as lots have stated, A private and personal remembrance is entirely appropriate, But this wasnt that, No joking, Ive been to funerals (pretty much every funeral I was ever at) that talked less about the deceased than at this wedding.

fits · 15-09-2014 8:49pm

Yeah its something I have thought about a lot too. Its the bride and grooms day, not the second funeral. I know that sounds coarse.

grind gremlin · 15-09-2014 10:09pm

I got a lovely candle on ebay with a message printed on it.... In memory of x's mum .... and a few other nice words. We lit it during the ceremony. It was also left lighting on the table beside the wedding cake at the venue. Flowers from my mums garden were in the bouquets.

Stepping Stone · 15-09-2014 11:08pm

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I was recently enough at a wedding where the mother had passed a good few years back. It was mentioned at least a dozen times during the mass, All the speeches talked about it several times also. It was fcuking ridiculous, Noone was mentioned more times then the Mother.

It was like, "Id like to thank my father, and my dead mother, and my granny, and my dead mother, and my Friends, Did I mention my mother? Shes dead, No, not recently mind you, poxy ages ago. Id like everyone to toast my bride, My mother would have approved of her, the dead one, *cries*"

Ill admit to being a terrible person, But at one point, if anyone else had mentioned the mother, I was going fcuking home, dig her up on my way and give her a punch. FFS You spend a bloody fortune as a couple to attend a wedding and its more about the deceased then the B&G. I cant even remember the name of the Bride but I know his fecking Ma's name it was repeated so many times.

I get people miss their loved ones, but there a hundred + people in the room that have probably never met the person and you've probably never even spoken about them until this occasion.

My cousins are horribly morbid and at every single wedding their dead mother, aunt, uncle and four grandparents are mentioned repeatedly. They just don't seem to have an idea about when they have crossed the line between sweet remembrance and depressing reminder.

Lots of mentions during the ceremony, every single speech made reference to their loss and the priest was asked by everyone giving a speech to say a prayer. That added up to five prayers during dinner. They had the photos and the empty seats, the trips to the graves, the tears, the distress and increasingly the stony faced relatives.

None of these are recent deaths. Our uncle died as a child before any of us were born. One set of grandparents died when they were very young. Their mother and other grandparents died almost 20yrs ago. I understand them mentioning their mother but it is like misery porn for them.

It is probably a hard balance to strike but I suppose that you need to keep in mind that other people will have lost people and while they will understand, others may be very easily upset.

ClubDead · 16-09-2014 8:45am

Wabbit Ears and Stepping Stone, I get what your saying and I agree. Its one of the reasons I posted this question, I don't want to bring people down on a day that's meant to be happy.

rsl1976 · 16-09-2014 8:51am

My brother got married a few weeks ago and for the toast all the top table got my mams favourite drink (Baileys) nice touch without going overboard

December2012 · 16-09-2014 9:27am

rsl1976 wrote: »

My brother got married a few weeks ago and for the toast all the top table got my mams favourite drink (Baileys) nice touch without going overboard

That's lovely and I think that it's very appropriate. We had a wedding in the family after Dad died, and before we left the house we all sat around his picture and had a toast with my Dads favourite drink.

It keeps it private and personal to the people who will actually feel the loss.

michellie · 16-09-2014 10:30pm

pooch90 wrote: »

I'm not who you asked but this is where I got mine. I got an oval one. The lady in the shop is just lovely to deal with too.
https://www.etsy.com/ie/shop/KeepsakesByKatherine?ref=shop_sugg

Great thank you!

Mo2012 · 16-09-2014 11:52pm

We're putting a rememberance poem about loved ones not being with us as we say I do and we have a candle with a short poem on it to light at the start of the ceremony and a prayer of the faithful naming the person and also for other family members who are no longer with us.

Toots · 17-09-2014 12:07am

Guys, this is a sensitive issue. Please bear this in mind when posting on the thread.

893bet · 17-09-2014 11:24am

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I was recently enough at a wedding where the mother had passed a good few years back. It was mentioned at least a dozen times during the mass, All the speeches talked about it several times also. It was fcuking ridiculous, Noone was mentioned more times then the Mother.

It was like, "Id like to thank my father, and my dead mother, and my granny, and my dead mother, and my Friends, Did I mention my mother? Shes dead, No, not recently mind you, poxy ages ago. Id like everyone to toast my bride, My mother would have approved of her, the dead one, *cries*"

Ill admit to being a terrible person, But at one point, if anyone else had mentioned the mother, I was going fcuking home, dig her up on my way and give her a punch. FFS You spend a bloody fortune as a couple to attend a wedding and its more about the deceased then the B&G. I cant even remember the name of the Bride but I know his fecking Ma's name it was repeated so many times.

I get people miss their loved ones, but there a hundred + people in the room that have probably never met the person and you've probably never even spoken about them until this occasion.

I kind of agree to be honest. I also would shy away from the grand gestures also unless the death was very recent i.e. during the engagement. I cant see how they achieve anything other than being dramatic and cringe worthy.

Offer a toast to friends and family who are no longer with us and leave it at that IMO.

But horses for courses. You pay the bill on the day so what ever makes you happy.

Mrs OBumble · 17-09-2014 3:21pm

OP, frankly I'm horrified that you're discussing this here with no mention of discussing it with your father first.

Apologies if he's not on the scene any more. But if he is, then he is the one who is attending a wedding, and a difficult one that, without his wife at his side.

You should be guided by what he is comfortable with.

Remembering a deceased parent at wedding.

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