My best friend thinks I've changed

JFK1994 · 29-10-2014 11:57pm #1

My best friend and I lived together in a small Appartment with her granmother we also worked together which meant we seen each other every single day it was always me and her for a few months, suddenly we both got new jobs and i moved out into a bigger house with 2 friends I made from work but always make time for her no matter what I do I'll bring her along I ask her to stay with me all the time but she's always really moody and doesn't want to spend time with me anymore and told me I've changed. I don't feel like I've changed one bit, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I feel like she has as she gets really moody when she's around me, I don't know what to do

Redser87 · 30-10-2014 12:09am

You possibly have changed in subtle ways, as people do. Nothing wrong with that either, life would be very boring if people stayed the same for their whole lives. Is she still living with her gran? It could be that she is frustrated that life seems to be going well and she is stuck where she was before. It can be hard for people to see their friends getting on with things that they haven't managed to do yet, whether that is something big like extended travel, or something as 'ordinary' as a house-share. Have you asked her if there is anything wrong in general, that is maybe impacting on how she is acting towards you? If she is worried about her gran, or paying bills in the apartment, or something, that is something that you would have noticed back when you were living together, and it could be hard for her to accept that you no longer have that exact role in her life.

JFK1994 · 30-10-2014 12:15am

Redser87 wrote: »

You possibly have changed in subtle ways, as people do. Nothing wrong with that either, life would be very boring if people stayed the same for their whole lives. Is she still living with her gran? It could be that she is frustrated that life seems to be going well and she is stuck where she was before. It can be hard for people to see their friends getting on with things that they haven't managed to do yet, whether that is something big like extended travel, or something as 'ordinary' as a house-share. Have you asked her if there is anything wrong in general, that is maybe impacting on how she is acting towards you? If she is worried about her gran, or paying bills in the apartment, or something, that is something that you would have noticed back when you were living together, and it could be hard for her to accept that you no longer have that exact role in her life.

You could be right!
She is still living with her grandmother.
It's like she despises me now she does everything not to be around me she'll only be with me when there's a few others around.
She makes small comments, stops talking and sits there with an angry face and I would never do anything to hurt her intentionally.

Stavro Mueller · 30-10-2014 12:29am

I posted this in the other thread but this new one has started up.

Does your friend have any other pals? I reckon her nose is out of joint because the pair of you are no longer living in each other's pockets and she doesn't have you to herself any more. It is possible that you have changed but that's only to be expected. You've made new friends and I assume when she comes to stay she also has to talk to them. If she doesn't have any other friends, I reckon she's peeved that she's no longer the number one priority.

It's hard to know whether this friendship will survive. Hopefully she'll come to her senses but that could take a while. You could try staying in contact with her for the time being and see how that goes before you make any other decisions.

JFK1994 · 30-10-2014 12:34am

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I posted this in the other thread but this new one has started up.

Does your friend have any other pals? I reckon her nose is out of joint because the pair of you are no longer living in each other's pockets and she doesn't have you to herself any more. It is possible that you have changed but that's only to be expected. You've made new friends and I assume when she comes to stay she also has to talk to them. If she doesn't have any other friends, I reckon she's peeved that she's no longer the number one priority.

It's hard to know whether this friendship will survive. Hopefully she'll come to her senses but that could take a while. You could try staying in contact with her for the time being and see how that goes before you make any other decisions.

She wouldn't have many close friends,
Yeah it was almost like she owned me or something, she was very controlling (sounds like a relationship) and then I decided to completely do my own thing and ever since she just doesn't like it.
She acts very immature about it too.
At the same time it all seems so petty to fall over but if she keeps acting the way she is I don't know what do.

Redser87 · 30-10-2014 12:44am

Controlling friendships are probably more common than people think. In a close friendship, especially when people are living together, the person with the controlling tendencies can definitely figure out how to get the other person to do things the way they want them done. I'd say a bit of distance wouldn't go astray - not blanking her now - but let her do the chasing, text you to meet up rather than you trying to keep things as they were. Stay in contact sure, organise group nights out including her (even to the cinema so that there is no scope for nastiness), but you can't change back to the person she wants you to be, and it probably would not be good for you to attempt to do so.
It sounds as if she is being quite petty, and rather than tying yourself up in knots trying to show her that nothing has changed, let her come to the realisation in her own way that you are still there for her, even if it's not the exact same way as before.
And if it does come to the point where you call it a day, yes that will hurt very much, but losing friends and making new ones is a fact of life, something that everybody goes through, and if it does happen you will find a way to get through it!

LegacyUser · 30-10-2014 3:29am

I think that your friend is beginning to realise that she can't control your life as much as she did in the past. Your have moved on with a new job and a new apartment so your not around as much. You also sound like your happier in yourself as your life is going well at the moment. You have also made some new friends which is good also.

Your friend may not be happy with how her life is going compared to yours or to other people she knows. Some people seem to lack the ability to move on with there own lives but are bitter when other people get better jobs, travel, buy house, get married and have families.

My feeling is that she is bitter that you have moved on and that is why she is saying that you have changed but the reality is that you have kept in contact with her and asked to go out with you. At this stage I would let her make the effort to ring/text you. If she can't realise that you are still friends it is her loss not yours long term.

JFK1994 · 30-10-2014 12:34pm

lady lady wrote: »

I think that your friend is beginning to realise that she can't control your life as much as she did in the past. Your have moved on with a new job and a new apartment so your not around as much. You also sound like your happier in yourself as your life is going well at the moment. You have also made some new friends which is good also.

Your friend may not be happy with how her life is going compared to yours or to other people she knows. Some people seem to lack the ability to move on with there own lives but are bitter when other people get better jobs, travel, buy house, get married and have families.

My feeling is that she is bitter that you have moved on and that is why she is saying that you have changed but the reality is that you have kept in contact with her and asked to go out with you. At this stage I would let her make the effort to ring/text you. If she can't realise that you are still friends it is her loss not yours long term.

Yeah I feel your right.

She is very bitter about me doing so well.
It would be easy to cut her out but id feel very bad about it as she was very good to me allowing me to live with her for a few weeks.
If i've changed I do feel its for the better, thats what i wanted to say but could have been very nasty to say too.
I really don't know what to do in this situation!
She's very difficult when I am around her doesn't compliment anything will always try and find the negative.

Stavro Mueller · 30-10-2014 1:01pm

JFK1994 wrote: »

Yeah I feel your right.

She is very bitter about me doing so well.
It would be easy to cut her out but id feel very bad about it as she was very good to me allowing me to live with her for a few weeks.
If i've changed I do feel its for the better, thats what i wanted to say but could have been very nasty to say too.
I really don't know what to do in this situation!
She's very difficult when I am around her doesn't compliment anything will always try and find the negative.

Looks like the friendship has run its course to be honest. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to make changes in your life if they're for the better. A true friend would be delighted for you, not trying to drag you down to their level. Perhaps now that you've gotten a bit older, you're becoming more perceptive. You're now picking out flaws in your friend that you'd not have taken any great notice of before. I reckon if you'd met someone and started a relationship, your friend wouldn't have dealt with that too well either. It's just the way she is. If she's unwilling to accept that the nature of your friendship is changed, then there's no hope.

My guess is that this friendship's going to fizzle out of its own accord. I'm guessing you're in your late teens/early twenties? That's an age where people often lose touch with their old friends because they've changed and life has taken them in different directions. It may well be what's happening here. I'm assuming you and your friend have been pals for years.

I think this is going to solve itself without you doing much. I reckon some day she'll just not reply to a text and that'll be that. If you want, you could just stop inviting her to things. If she's sitting there with a grumpy head on her, she's not great company for your other friends is she?

JFK1994 · 30-10-2014 2:36pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Looks like the friendship has run its course to be honest. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to make changes in your life if they're for the better. A true friend would be delighted for you, not trying to drag you down to their level. Perhaps now that you've gotten a bit older, you're becoming more perceptive. You're now picking out flaws in your friend that you'd not have taken any great notice of before. I reckon if you'd met someone and started a relationship, your friend wouldn't have dealt with that too well either. It's just the way she is. If she's unwilling to accept that the nature of your friendship is changed, then there's no hope.

My guess is that this friendship's going to fizzle out of its own accord. I'm guessing you're in your late teens/early twenties? That's an age where people often lose touch with their old friends because they've changed and life has taken them in different directions. It may well be what's happening here. I'm assuming you and your friend have been pals for years.

I think this is going to solve itself without you doing much. I reckon some day she'll just not reply to a text and that'll be that. If you want, you could just stop inviting her to things. If she's sitting there with a grumpy head on her, she's not great company for your other friends is she?

I see exactly what you mean,
everything your saying is spot on.
I have started seeing someone, early days yet but she doesn't like it at all.
Keeps telling me to stay away from him and stuff!
My biggest fear is she will think i was using her and as soon as i moved out i wanted nothing to do with her which is not the way at all.
I always hoped we'd remain friends and meet up as much as much as we could but that doesn't seem to be the way at all.

Stavro Mueller · 30-10-2014 3:42pm

JFK1994 wrote: »

I see exactly what you mean,
everything you're saying is spot on.
I have started seeing someone, early days yet but she doesn't like it at all.
Keeps telling me to stay away from him and stuff!
My biggest fear is she will think i was using her and as soon as i moved out i wanted nothing to do with her which is not the way at all.
I always hoped we'd remain friends and meet up as much as much as we could but that doesn't seem to be the way at all.

Why does this not surprise me...:rolleyes:

I think at this stage it's time to stop worrying about what she thinks. You've done all you can to include her in your life but it's never going to be enough. She won't be happy until it's just the two of you back in granny's apartment again, no fellas, no other friends.. Her idea of a friendship sounds like it's stuck in a timewarp and she's still thinking like a 15 year old girl.

If she's mean-minded enough to think you used her and dropped her, then she's not much of a friend, is she? I think you need to accept that this friendship's more or less over and it's not your fault.

My best friend thinks I've changed

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