Commitment/Moving in together?

gretal · 02-04-2008 11:54pm #1

Hey everyone,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. He is 30 and lives at home not because he chooses to though. He is looking to move out possibly to a house share. So i suggested that we should move in together because I'm also looking to move out. Considering we've been together for quite some time i thought that it would be a good step. I've explained thats all it would be and I'm not expecting a proposal or anything next because he feels if we move in together thats it he is a married man but thats not the way it is. We have lived together briefly for 2 months and it went fine we both enjoyed it. I'm crazy about him and he tells me he feels the same but says he is not ready for moving in and the commitment it entails.
Is this normal?
what do i do next as i don't want to pressure him because that is not fair and leads to unhappiness.

I tried to explain that i think it would make the relationship a bit easier because we are both busy and independent people so we could still do our own thing but meet at home every night. You dont have the bother of organising meeting up and calling in to each other.(Ya know what i mean)

After 2 and a half years and his age i would have thought it would be the next step?

Any advice and opinions would be great.

Thanks

decies · 03-04-2008 12:00am

You got to relax a bit woman are hung up on time in a relationship,by all means pressurize him,he will freak out and you will break up wih him.for what its worth imho and i know 90% of people will disagree with me,there is not enough patience and understanding in relationships these days,there i said it.by the way hope it works out for you.

SheRa · 03-04-2008 12:17am

decies wrote: »

You got to relax a bit woman are hung up on time in a relationship,by all means pressurize him,he will freak out and you will break up wih him.for what its worth imho and i know 90% of people will disagree with me,there is not enough patience and understanding in relationships these days,there i said it.by the way hope it works out for you.

Decies I see where you are coming from. Howver if the guy cant commit after 2.5 years Id be a bit concerned. Gretal maybe you should leave it lie with him for a while, sort out your own a house share with a few people (theres loads on daft) and when he sees the pressure is off him, and that you are doing your own thing he will prob be eager to move in with you.

The exact same thing happened with me and a former boyf. I was taken aback that he didnt want to move in with me but looking back it was a good thing as he needed to experience a house share with one of his mates as he'd never done that before and thought he was missing out on loads of guy stuff. So I did my own thing and a few months later he was very keen for us to move in together and we had a fab few years together:).

Yakult · 03-04-2008 12:24am

SheRa wrote: »

Decies I see where you are coming from. Howver if the guy cant commit after 2.5 years Id be a bit concerned.

Theirs a difference between relationship commitment and moving in together imo. Im no expert on the subject but give him time to think things through. Maybe hes just scared about how the relationship might change compared to what he's used to.

I know if I were in that position I would be all for it but in the back of my head I would always think about how it could affect things positivly and negativly

axer · 03-04-2008 1:22am

OP, I'm a guy and cannot understand why someone would have a problem moving in with their partner?

and what has it got to do with commitment?

If he doesn't want to do it then he doesn't want to do it (whatever his reasons). Nothing you can do about it so might aswell drop it and move on. You could always tell him that if he does some time in the future when he is "ready" then ye can.

Beruthiel · 03-04-2008 8:32am

gretal wrote: »

he is not ready for moving in and the commitment it entails.

Sorry, but that's bullsh!t.
He's 30 years of age.
He knows you two years.
What commitment does it entail exactly?
If at this stage of his life, after two years, he cannot bring himself to live with you then I'd personally be asking some serious questions.

what do i do next as i don't want to pressure him because that is not fair and leads to unhappiness.

All well and good.
But answer me this, what are your long term expections from this man?
If you want to go the whole nine yards with him, something tells me you'll be waiting a long time before that happens.

How Strange · 03-04-2008 8:49am

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sorry, but that's bullsh!t.
He's 30 years of age.
He knows you two years.
What commitment does it entail exactly?
If at this stage of his life, after two years, he cannot bring himself to live with you then I'd personally be asking some serious questions.
All well and good.
But answer me this, what are your long term expections from this man?
If you want to go the whole nine yards with him, something tells me you'll be waiting a long time before that happens.

+1

OP, if I were you I'd just sort out your own situation. Find somewhere nice to live and DONT let that become your bf's home from home. It's your home.
Give it a few months and I'd say your bf may change his mind but only if you establish ground rules re him staying at your place. If he stays there too often then he really has the best of both sides - lives with Mammy for cooking etc but can live part time with you rent free.

However, if after another 6 months he still doesn't want to live with you then I'd be worried. It really says alot about where he sees your relationship going in the future - nowhere.

I've noticed from my bf that if I spring something on him like you did with moving in then he instinctively says no. He doesn't even take time to think it through. However, if I mention it once, he says no, then I say fine and go about my business as normal he usually comes back to me within a few months and announces it like this is his bright idea. It's weird, and at the beginning it bugged me, but I'm used to it now.

As I said, get your own place, don't let him informally move in and wait for a few months. But if nothing has changed on his side you may have to ask yourself some difficult questions.

Gillie · 03-04-2008 8:59am

Agree with Ruthie.

Moving in together is not that big a deal!

The only thing to be careful if is actually buying a property together!

Things can get messy there! Trust me!

If he's "not ready" then he's not ready!
But that doesn't mean you have to wait until he is!

Don't know what he's so scared of!

John Mason · 03-04-2008 9:16am

May be he doesnt want to live with her until they married?

Personally, i am 33 and i will never live man with a man again unless there is a wedding ring on my finger

and i am sorry but it is a big deal to move in with some and it isnt something that should be taken lightly.

OP sit down with your BF and listen to his reasons for not wanting to move in with.

I would be thing, if he lives at home that he probably wants to move out and share with other people, a kinda of freedom before he moves in with.

My ex pressured me to let him move in. I really missed the experience of living by myself

Mazeire · 03-04-2008 9:24am

After the same length of time with my ex, I had to seriously push for us to move in together.

I thought it would be ok as he spent at least 4 nights out of the week at my place, but the first 3 months or so were a night mare. When we argued (as we did quite often at that stage) there was no where for us to go and retreat in a one bed flat to calm down. We nearly killed each other, and a lot of Sundays were spent in Coffee Society in Ranelagh bawling my eyes out to my friend. It settled eventually but it did a lot of long term damage to the relationship.

When you lived together for the 2 months did you go in to that knowing it was only for 2 months? Because if you did a lot of things can be overlooked with the knowledge of "it will be over in X amount of weeks". So maybe it wasn't a true representation of living together, and maybe your B/F wasn't as happy with it as you.

How are things going for ye otherwise?

derek27 · 03-04-2008 9:26am

I don't see it as that big a deal at his age to be quite frank. I believe it comes back to the idea that people are afraid of change... they don't like to put themselves in unfamiliar situations or surroundings, rather, they prefer everything to be the same all the time (provided they are happy and comfortable with their current situation of course). But people who never embrace change and take up on opportunities without being able to foresee the outcome are those people that end up having the most regret in their lives. If he's not prepared to take a chance of moving in with you after 2.5 years of a relationship that appears to be going fine and at his age, then I'd be a little put off by him.

Ginny · 03-04-2008 9:36am

Been there done that left the relationship.
OP I've been in your shoes, its a horrible feeling on one hand you have someone telling you they love you and want to be with you, but their actions are leaning the opposite way.
Its up to yourself if you can let it lie, I thought I could, but it ate away at me, after 3 years together and us spending 5 out of 7 nights together I couldn't understand it. In the end I think he wasn't commited to the relationship and didn't have the guts to finish it.

What was his reaction to your converstion?

bostonian · 03-04-2008 10:08am

in my opinion, based on my own personal experience with it, living together before marriage is a bad idea. nobody will buy the cow once they are 1) getting the milk for free and 2) see what the cow looks like in the morning. harsh, but true. there's nothing to be gained by it. if you ever want to marry the dude, living together is the way to make sure that doesn't happen.

Ginny · 03-04-2008 10:27am

And once they're married they're obviously tied into "seeing what the cow looks like in the morning" with no escape route?
:rolleyes:

Burnt Toast · 03-04-2008 10:44am

He's been with you for 2 and a half years, he's 30 and he hasn't moved out yet? If he hasn't moved into a house share by now, hes not going to.

Sounds like he's making excuses to not move out, maybe because he likes living at home, or maybe because he doesn't like the idea of living with you. He could just be afraid of having to wash his own clothes, cook his own food.

But seriously, living at home at 30.. give me a break.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2008 12:25pm

Was in a similar situation a while ago...didnt want to move in with the ex cos wasnt ready. Wasnt ready in the way of loving my ex properly, with commitment. She was really pressuring me with guilt trips and it wasnt good. Well maybe I just felt they were guilt trips when they werent, cos of where I was in my head. Anyway I was still 'one of the lads' and they had no girlfriends so I wanted to be off messing with them and living my life. The thoughts of moving in with her only meant one thing - exclusion. It wasnt just that though, no matter how much I was attracted to her and the person she was, I couldnt help wondering what if the whole time. I wanted more fun I suppose or maybe I just hadnt met the one yet. I moved in to a house share and she did likewise, a few months later it was like we both 'grew up' or something and she ended it with me. I'm 31 now, this was late twenties. I havent had a relationship since, and dont think I want to anytime soon. Just doing my own thing i suppose waiting for the right girl to come around that corner?
I dont regret not being with her now because she wanted something I couldnt give, and she's happier now I suppose. Anyway what I'm saying OP is that maybe he's just not ready. A lot of people just presume that everybody is experienced at things the same as them, the same times in their lives as them. I was very immature and maybe I respect women too much to be with them if they are not entirely happy. Maybe thats wrong. Maybe I still havent matured. Maybe there are other issues. Maybe we can go on asking questions and trying to resolve inner turmoils our whole lives and never be ready.
OP if you pressurise him too much he will try to get away from you, and maybe even break up. If I was you I would let him do his own thing and let him try to grow up and I know its cliche-ed, find himself more. You should get on with yourself and decide if you can wait or not, but look after your own wishes number 1.

axer · 03-04-2008 12:26pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

What commitment does it entail exactly?

Exactly.

irishbird wrote: »

Personally, i am 33 and i will never live man with a man again unless there is a wedding ring on my finger

Good Luck with that.

Mazeire wrote: »

I thought it would be ok as he spent at least 4 nights out of the week at my place, but the first 3 months or so were a night mare. When we argued (as we did quite often at that stage) there was no where for us to go and retreat in a one bed flat to calm down. We nearly killed each other, and a lot of Sundays were spent in Coffee Society in Ranelagh bawling my eyes out to my friend. It settled eventually but it did a lot of long term damage to the relationship.

That was a reflection of your relationship and was probably good that it surfaced to show that maybe ye were not suited for each other.

bostonian wrote: »

in my opinion, based on my own personal experience with it, living together before marriage is a bad idea. nobody will buy the cow once they are 1) getting the milk for free and 2) see what the cow looks like in the morning. harsh, but true. there's nothing to be gained by it. if you ever want to marry the dude, living together is the way to make sure that doesn't happen.

Thats a funny but childish way of looking at things. How will not living together help the guy want to be chained to the cow?

Moving into together is important as you get to know the person better and if ye cannot stand each other living together then it is better to know now that 2 further years down the line wasted.

AngryBadger · 03-04-2008 12:29pm

You're asking him to sacrifice a huge amount by moving in with you.

You say "we could still do our own thing but meet at home every night", however that's very naieve, and shows that you may not be appreciating what living together will entail.

If you're sharing a hyouse with someone that you're dating you're basically living in their pocket. Like it or not, you're going to become accustomed to his comings and goings (and vice cersa) and without meaning to you're living in each others pocket the whole time.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but howsoever., Many women can't wait to move in with their boyfriends, for them it's a symbol of committment, and frankly a step onto the road of amrraige/babies/happy families. In short, for women moving in together is plus-plus-plus.

For many guys it's the complete opposite, (and I ahve to say I'd say this is MOST GUYS). Moving in with your girlfriends means you're going to be subjected to constant nagging about anything that she gets it into her head to nag about. A great many social freedoms will cease, you will automatically be surrendering a large portion of your freedom to your girlfriend, and it's rare to find a situation where this is not the case.

Erego guys "fear" of committment, moving in together, and so on.

I realise you and your boyfriend are together 2 1/2 years, but you also have to allow for the fact that he's been living at home all that time (which I find amazing for a man of 30 but anyway...), which emans he's been under his parents roof. So moving in with you means trading one set of rules for another. He won't experience many of the freedoms people experience when they move out on their own. This may also be a factor for him.

The short and long of it is, if you convince/cajole/force him to move in with you, it will cause problems. If he wants to do it, then great, best of luck, if he doesn't, then maybe you need to look at whether or not you want to commit to another 2 years with this guy.

seamus · 03-04-2008 12:39pm

bostonian wrote: »

in my opinion, based on my own personal experience with it, living together before marriage is a bad idea. nobody will buy the cow once they are 1) getting the milk for free and 2) see what the cow looks like in the morning. harsh, but true. there's nothing to be gained by it.

Sure, if all you're interested in is milk and a nice-looking cow :rolleyes:

If you can't live with someone before marriage, how does marriage suddenly make it a bearable situation?

OP, it may be a case that he's worried about moving out of one dependent situation and into another. There's a lot to be said for moving out of home into a place where you do whatever the hell you want. Even though you're not his mother, he may feel like he'll be restricting what he can and cannot do because you'll be around.
Us men have this ideal vision of spending the evening plonked in front of the TV, with a beer in one hand and a pizza in the other and just being left alone for the whole evening. Even though we might only do it once every six months, the idea of not having the option can be worrying.

Perhaps give him six months to explore this whole "living alone" lark and realise that it's not what it's cracked up to be. Arguably, he should have moved out 6 years ago and experienced it then, but you can't change the past

axer · 03-04-2008 12:42pm

AngryBadger wrote: »

You're asking him to sacrifice a huge amount by moving in with you.

Sacrifice what?

If two people cannot live together (tolerate each other) after 2.5 years then there is something wrong.

AngryBadger wrote: »

For many guys it's the complete opposite, (and I ahve to say I'd say this is MOST GUYS). Moving in with your girlfriends means you're going to be subjected to constant nagging about anything that she gets it into her head to nag about. A great many social freedoms will cease, you will automatically be surrendering a large portion of your freedom to your girlfriend, and it's rare to find a situation where this is not the case.

I disagree and would replace the bolded words above to "some guys". I am mid 20's and all of my main friends (same age), including me, are living with their girlfriends because they do not see it as a big deal - and you know what because they don't see it as a big deal then it has not become a big deal for them.

Burnt Toast · 03-04-2008 12:43pm

irishbird wrote: »

Personally, i am 33 and i will never live man with a man again unless there is a wedding ring on my finger

With that sort of mentality, they must be lining up :rolleyes:

giddybootz · 03-04-2008 12:53pm

ok so my ex and i were together over 3 years and were both looking to move out of our parents houses. after awhile we said well we could share with some mates but kinda both said we would like to rent TWO bedrooms so we would have our own space!!! we didnt in the end (shocking!!) and a few months later broke up...the relationship just wasn't going anywhere. it was perfect while we were at college but not once we left.

my current yummy boyf and i nearly lived together from the start!!! not planned it just happened!!! and its been fab....of course we fight occasionaly! its just a more grown up relationship and living together seems natural.

you need to talk more and decide which category ur relationship falls into. if you are as mad about eachother as you say perhaps you should take the advice of the other posters and do ur own thing thus giving him some time/space!!

good luck with it

LegacyUser · 03-04-2008 1:12pm

A question for knowhowhefeels. This is just how I feel. I feel trapped, locked in, guilty, missing out, no fun and a million other things. But the hardest thing is, Ive felt like this since I met her 7 years ago. I never had the courage to break up and probaly never will. She is great you see, good looking, great person, kind caring and perfect for me, but I cannot get this burden off my head.
Im 31 now and feel Ive left it go too long, all her friend and mine are getting married now.

How long were you going out with your girl before ye broke up?

Beruthiel · 03-04-2008 1:22pm

IWISHIWASFREE wrote: »

A question for knowhowhefeels. This is just how I feel. I feel trapped, locked in, guilty, missing out, no fun and a million other things. But the hardest thing is, Ive felt like this since I met her 7 years ago. I never had the courage to break up and probaly never will.

I'm shocked. How could you possibly stay with someone for a whole seven years if you felt like that?
More to the point, why would you feel trapped and missing out? Why are you not having fun.
It is very possible to be with someone and have all those things.
You honestly should not waste another minute of her time if you feel that strongly about it. It's very unfair on both of you.

denhaagenite · 03-04-2008 2:13pm

Can I just say that this sounds like the other half of a poster last week? Does anyone remember this?

OP, I would say just take things slowly, if he's still living at his parent's house you really have to ask yourself why.

Has he ever lived away from home before?

Drift · 03-04-2008 3:00pm

I appear to be very much in the minority here but I'll give my opinion to show a different perspective. I would consider moving in with my girlfriend (i.e. the one bedroom in a place to ourselves) a serious commitment and would only do it if I thought the relationship was heading towards marriage. I honestly thought that there were quite a few people out there who thought this way but apparently it's quite rare. Maybe the OPs boyfriend considers moving in a more serious commitment than she intends it to be.

OP you're never going to know his reasons unless you sit down and discuss it with him. Communication is the key.

(P.S. I'm 25 - not that it should make much of a difference)

Homer J Simpson · 03-04-2008 3:23pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sorry, but that's bullsh!t.
He's 30 years of age.
He knows you two years.
What commitment does it entail exactly?
If at this stage of his life, after two years, he cannot bring himself to live with you then I'd personally be asking some serious questions.

I agree with Beruthiel 100% here. I cannot understand as to why he will not move in with you after 2 years. If I were in his position I certainly would move in. At 30 years of age and 2 years into a relationship it would in my opinion be the next step for you both as a couple.

Is he a bit of a homebird? Are his mates still living at home as well? In my experience once one friend moves out or buys a house the rest of them usually follow soon after.

If moving in is something you want then you are going to have to press him further on the issue. You need to make sure you are getting what you want out of this relationship.

Best of luck.

John Mason · 03-04-2008 3:50pm

Burnt Toast wrote: »

With that sort of mentality, they must be lining up :rolleyes:

It just doesnt work for me. Everyone here is saying how easy it is to just move in together. I dont think it is. It should be for the right reasons not because it is just easy. If you think you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, then why not get married first? There is nothing mental about it. That is how i feel and from my own and my friends experiences, i think it is the right decision for me

My OH is well aware of my opinions on this issue and he is happy about it.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2008 4:27pm

IWISHIWASFREE - Its not easy saying goodbye man. I was with her almost 3 years, maybe the worst part is just not knowing what to do the whole time and feeling like **** cos it feels like your stringing her along but you think you love her...try bumping into her a few months after with some bloke way bigger than you taking her home for the night and trying to convince yourself it was for the best. It hurts alot. To be honest I try to keep my head down these days and just work myself to the bone and then after work just keep moving. You stand still your dead. The upside is KNOWING someday you will meet someone else to place your affections on and then maybe ask out and then maybe do better than you did with the other one. Loves only just a feeling my friend!!mostly attachment and need...all the better if you fancy/respect/admire/get along with the person.

DD · 03-04-2008 9:45pm

axer wrote: »

Sacrifice what?
If two people cannot live together (tolerate each other) after 2.5 years then there is something wrong.
I disagree and would replace the bolded words above to "some guys". I am mid 20's and all of my main friends (same age), including me, are living with their girlfriends because they do not see it as a big deal - and you know what because they don't see it as a big deal then it has not become a big deal for them.

I entirely agree with it. If you move with someone doesn't mean you will end up in a marriage. You do this cos you want to be with that someone, to enjoy the time together, doesn't mean you will stick there with him,her every second. Living together can be so much fun.
I wouldn't like to stay separated with my boyfriend, there's no point, I am talking about 20's in here.
We spend time together but we spend time separated also. It's very good to spend time with someone, you can get to know more of him/her.
I have some friends that were together for 6 years and after that they got married and finally moved out together. After few months they decided to divorce, they couldn't live together and the fights started, it was impossible to keep those 2 guys in the same house anymore.
They lived with their families before the marriage, they had no idea how it is to live together.

In conclusion...I am for living together..it is not a big deal, is just living the live, having lot of fun together especially if they have many things in common.

BraziliaNZ · 04-04-2008 2:08am

Of course it's a big deal it's a f*cking HUGE deal. You have your other half in your face ALL the time. If I had my way I wouldn't live with a partner until/unless there was a baby involved.

Commitment/Moving in together?

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