Friend overstepping the mark

LegacyUser · 04-04-2008 6:44pm #1

Reg (female) poster, just going unregged for the sake of discretion.

My partner has a male friend, who is, by default, also a friend of mine. We also have business ties with this person. For ages Ive realised that, given the slightest encouragement he would try it on with me. He was getting 'friendlier' with me all the time, to the point that it was making me uncomfortable. Never actually tried anything, and I never gave him a reason to try, but he asked a lot of inappropriate questions and always seemed to make sure he dropped in when I was alone. My partner even got suspicious of his motives.

Now, I had a chat to the guy, he apologised, said it was unintentional, and backed off. Or so I thought. Today he calls, and soon as my partner went out for minute, he starts commenting on my appearance, (in a really unpleasant smarmy way) and asked if I was single would I go out with him. I mean wtf! Conversation ended when my oh came back, before I could get over the amazement at his cheek and think of what to say.

Ive been friendly but never encouraged this guy. I dont want to create upset between him and my oh, particularly because of the business aspect, but I need him to leave me alone.

What to do? A friendly word hasnt worked, obviously.

Redpunto · 04-04-2008 7:11pm

Thinl your partner is going to have a word with him, you gave him a chance the easy way, get your bf to say it the not nice way!

Zynks · 04-04-2008 7:25pm

The guy is taking advantage of what he perceives as an advantage. Does your oh really need the guy for business? If he does, it shows what this guy is made of taking advantage of that situation. If the answer is no, then it could be worrying, specially since you talked to him already. Maybe a bit of bluntness may be necessary.

Sherifu · 04-04-2008 7:52pm

First thing to do is talk to your partner about it, then decide if you can talk to this guy together or failing that cut business ties with him.

Overheal · 04-04-2008 7:53pm

Get the shotgun? [/sarcasm]

Well, in television the way to approach this is to always hold the carrot out in front of him but never let him catch it, and that way he keeps playing. But thats 1) Really mean on him 2) Only considerable if he's important to the business aspect.

Theres also 2 things that could be going on here from his Point of View: He could be asking, or trying it on, etc. if for instance he is insecure and is one of those guys that needs to be reassured all the time. Or, he could genunely be leaving his business card with you so to speak. Which would lead to a 3rd option: he is planning to kill your partner, like a cheap soap opera.

Whats his situation anyway? Romantically? Do you know? Have you asked? Might be worth investigating.

And have you brought all of this up with your partner?

Miss Fluff · 04-04-2008 7:58pm

I presume when your partner popped out for a minute you took the phone/were given the phone to talk to him. Don't bother in future, get your partner to have a word with him and stay well out of his way.

estar · 04-04-2008 8:10pm

does he have a partner himself? if he does make friends with her and
bring her up every time that he makes comments - oh you are so
flattering your GF is so lucky - i was only telling her the other day
do you complement her like that, i must let her know how complementary you are

if he doesnt

id probably handle this with scarcasm and a lot of laughter. ie id tell him
he was full of sh%t and sure all the women knew he chatted up anything
that wore perfume and that i didnt really like complements except from my partner. and that im sure he wouldnt mind if i asked him not to be going
on like that again, that it kind of made me nauseous as you think
of him like a cousin or a brother.

unless he made a move - an actual move. and then id tell rollock him
tell my partner and that would be that for the partnership im afriad
unless the promise was i never had to see him again

if he was calling around the whole time when my partner wasnt there
i would phone people in front of him and leave him sitting there.
or else i would say - i would invite you in, but im busy working.
call back tomorrow.

dont let him in the house when your partner isnt there. avoid being
alone with him.

Gyalist · 04-04-2008 8:56pm

tooclose!!! wrote: »

Reg (female) poster, just going unregged for the sake of discretion.

My partner has a male friend, who is, by default, also a friend of mine. We also have business ties with this person. For ages Ive realised that, given the slightest encouragement he would try it on with me. He was getting 'friendlier' with me all the time, to the point that it was making me uncomfortable. Never actually tried anything, and I never gave him a reason to try, but he asked a lot of inappropriate questions and always seemed to make sure he dropped in when I was alone. My partner even got suspicious of his motives.

Now, I had a chat to the guy, he apologised, said it was unintentional, and backed off. Or so I thought. Today he calls, and soon as my partner went out for minute, he starts commenting on my appearance, (in a really unpleasant smarmy way) and asked if I was single would I go out with him. I mean wtf! Conversation ended when my oh came back, before I could get over the amazement at his cheek and think of what to say.

Ive been friendly but never encouraged this guy. I dont want to create upset between him and my oh, particularly because of the business aspect, but I need him to leave me alone.

What to do? A friendly word hasnt worked, obviously.

Well, as much as you seem loathe to do it, it is up to *you* to put at end to it. There is no reason why a friend of your partner has to be your friend too. In an ideal world it would be great if it were so but it isn't. Keep all your contact with him strictly business. Why did you not shoot him down immediately today when you felt that his questions were inappropriate? Time for some assertiveness. Let your partner know what's happened but you will have to deal with it yourself. Do not encourage any personal interaction between you and him - strictly business.

colly10 · 04-04-2008 9:32pm

He sounds like a nasty piece of work tbh, he's supposed to be your fella's mate. If your bf is really a mate of his i'd let your bf know the way he goes on.

LegacyUser · 05-04-2008 11:02am

Thanks to everyone who replied. I gave this some thought overnight, and if I see this man today, I will be setting him straight. I hadnt mentioned it to my partner because I didnt want to cause aggravation if I could sort it myself. For one, I hate rows and hassle, and for two, hes already had problems to deal with with his friends and I didnt want to risk starting that up again.

It will be hard to avoid this person and still keep everything else running smoothly, but I think the threat of telling my oh about all this might keep him away from me without a major rukus business wise.

And yes, I do think hes a nasty piece of work.

Friend overstepping the mark

Comments