how do i find meaning to life

LegacyUser · 31-03-2008 3:30am #1

ever since i was 13 i have i always planed when i was 25 and my siblings were finished school I would have committed suicide by now. i am 25 now .but i haven't because my youngest brother is still in school and i want this to happen at a stage where he has time to adjust and not to mess up his leaving. the problem is that i have always been found it hard to interact with people socially and i have just moved to a new town and i know no one i have a small group of close friends and a suportive faimly but they they are are besides the issue and live the other side of the country . my problem is that i never had a proper meaningful relationship and I'm still a virgin and and find myself unable to form those relationships that most people can form in a 10 minute conversation. i find myself in a rut and i cant get out of it. the world changes and still stuck in the same place alone in the same position that iv always been in. iv got a good job but find it hard to justify why i work if i have have no life to add meaning to it. I'm not depressed despite what i just said just unable to justify why i should keep living besides fouling things for those around me i feel so vacant in life. iv nothing to add meaning to another 50 years of life no hope for the future as it stands besides material things.

Rb · 31-03-2008 8:42am

So, you're still going to commit suicide once your youngest sibling has finished school?
Or will you reconsider if you find a purpose for your life?

Overheal · 31-03-2008 8:44am

You have been secretly planning to kill yourself since you were 13???

You need to start by not thinking like that. I can imagine it must be impossible to form meaningful relationships when at the back of your mind you are thinking "oh why bother ill do myself off at 25 anyway".

The only thing I can advise is you cant keep carrying these issues around with you - its an awful load of baggage. You should quit worrying about being a virgin for example. Women can smell despair.

Have you ever mentioned any of this to your friends or family?

LegacyUser · 31-03-2008 2:00pm

i not worried about been a virgin i have turned down sex loads of times in the past. i just find it so hard to relate to people on their own level.

my main things is how can i justify living for the rest of my life to myself if this is all there is.
surly the goal of life is to find a fruitful and fulfilling path where at the you have something to add meaning to life family , love ,friendship it seems almost impossible for me to make the smallest steps in these directions most of the time

as regards committing suicide i tried that once before when i was 13 that was pretty awful
for my family. and said to myself that i would wait till i was 25 i don't want to see that as a bright light at the end of a set time. but the fact is i do find the thought comforting on some level.

now i not going to do something stupid but i want to get out of this situation

Overheal · 31-03-2008 6:47pm

JON DOE wrote: »

i not worried about been a virgin i have turned down sex loads of times in the past. i just find it so hard to relate to people on their own level.

my main things is how can i justify living for the rest of my life to myself if this is all there is.
surly the goal of life is to find a fruitful and fulfilling path where at the you have something to add meaning to life family , love ,friendship it seems almost impossible for me to make the smallest steps in these directions most of the time

as regards committing suicide i tried that once before when i was 13 that was pretty awful
for my family. and said to myself that i would wait till i was 25 i don't want to see that as a bright light at the end of a set time. but the fact is i do find the thought comforting on some level.

now i not going to do something stupid but i want to get out of this situation

I've been to some degree of this, but not as much as yourself. Last year I had to ask myself serious questions about why and whats-the-point. I kept having vivid and disturbing daydreams of self-mutilation and suicide. But the thought repulsed me a lot, as much as I could not stop considering it.

I think the complication comes about from trying to think to far ahead, personally. You try to map everything out because youre presently bored/frustrated/stuck/overwhelmed with whats going on. But its an exercise in futility: when you are overwhelmed/depressed like that, trying to see past your feet is vertigo.

The only time it all seems to be falling into place is when you are on a high: in that state, when problems present themself to you its quite easy to navigate through or around them.

The first thing you have to ask is, Are You Depressed? If the answer is yes then you need to respond as such. When you are depressed (or at least whenever I am depressed) all you want to think about is everything you have to do. But what you have to do is act in the here and now.

Start very, very simply. Only keep in scope what is right in front of you for a while. For example if you are in your room, think of nothing else but the room. Does it need cleaning? I'll bet it does. Clean it. suspend everything else until that is done.

Once you've completed that, youve made a first step. Continue as necessary, slowly upgrading your area of Scope. Try not to get bogged down in thought because at that stage you are your own worst enemy.

I assure you if you continue with that exercise long enough you will be a few steps in the right direction. The whole process of a thorough clean for me, is almost ritualistic. Probably because I do it so rarely.. but it definitely always leaves me in a good mood. Hopefully it will help you get you a few feet out of your present situation. Give it a go.

JuliusCaesar · 31-03-2008 8:09pm

JON DOE wrote: »

as regards committing suicide i tried that once before when i was 13 that was pretty awful
for my family. and said to myself that i would wait till i was 25

and it won't be awful for your family now that you're 25?

LegacyUser · 01-04-2008 1:16am

i feel that this has always been a part of my personality and and i am unable to change that but i feel so frustrated trying relate to people i meet on their level when 9/10 i cant carry out a conversation because my mind goes blank and I'm left there with nothing to say this is crippling in social situations

i don't thing that I'm depressed now but i was when 13 i was brought on by bulling and i did OD. i came out of that with the feeling that didn't work well whats plan B lost 4 stone got started doing weights never got bothered again. but i still feel that I'm living outside the community instead of been part of it. well the obvious answer then is to try and become part of the local scene well maybe that would work but i still feel that i be in same position in a year from now.

this whole questing of self has been brought on by my job been made permanent i had only intended to stay there 6 months and i only took it to get away from my brother after him wearing me out after dealing with his problems for the last year i needed a break. i had intended to go back to collage but this job is really good and the workers are really well looked after probably better then a lot of professionals but I'm still left wondering OK so is this it
where do i go from here

i not depressed I'm just nihilistic
quote overheal
I think the complication comes about from trying to think to far ahead, personally. You try to map everything out because youre presently bored/frustrated/stuck/overwhelmed with whats going on. But its an exercise in futility: when you are overwhelmed/depressed like that, trying to see past your feet is vertigo.

your probably right i what your saying being self aware only leads to a sense of been uncertain of larger scheme of the universe stupid people are more often then not happier people
the those with large intellect just look at bush and I'm sure that the cows and sheep in the fields are happier then all of human existence

Colonel_McCoy · 01-04-2008 9:11am

How to find the meaning of life??

Read "Man`s Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl, it will open your eyes......incredilble story

funky_monkey · 01-04-2008 10:48am

I don't mean to sound heartless but if you're really considering sucide I think you are a very selfish person. It sounds like you have a great family who I'm sure if you spoke to about how you are feeling they would help you in any way they could. Your family would be destroyed if they knew you had been feeling like this for years and had never spoken to them about it. How would you expect them to carry on living a normal life?
They would never get over it.

If you are not happy in your job and want to go back to college. Do it! Normally work will pay for college fees if you want to go back part-time. Or if you do want to go back full-time It is never too late.

Everyone has problems, myself included but life doesn't last very long and you and only you have the power to change and improve on things that you are not happy with.

chamlis · 01-04-2008 11:07am

This might be off the wall, but it could be possible that you may have I mild form of Autism. If you can't relate to people....

I've known two people with mild forms, such as Asperger Syndrome. Obviously, this is not a medical forum and I'm no Doctor, but if you could get it checked out at least? Before doing anything your family will regret.

LegacyUser · 01-04-2008 12:04pm

OP, when u were listing off all that stuff i was like "wow, me too" but then i thought "yeah, and half of everyone else too"... but i think you're exceptionally affected by these issues.

when i was in my early teens i remember thinking something similar - that i'd be dead before i'm 30. i don't know how seriously i ever considered the thought, but i think it must have been seriously enough, because i have real trouble planning anything for the future, or thinking of myself being 40 or 50 or whatever - it just seems really unlikely.

so anyway, i'm probably not someone you should take advice from since i'm suffering from a lot of what u describe, but maybe you could consider traveling? i haven't traveled loads, but i have traveled a bit, and lived in a different country for a short amount of time, got to know some people really well, developed a few more social skills and got a bit less shy, and it actually did change my life a bit.
i guess you probably wouldn't need to leave the country to get that though, you could probably make yourself join some groups or night classes (typical advice, i know) or move in with new people or something (dont know what your living situation is, but living with friends/people who could become friends is something that really helps me).

LegacyUser · 01-04-2008 12:09pm

chamlis wrote: »

This might be off the wall, but it could be possible that you may have I mild form of Autism. If you can't relate to people....

I've known two people with mild forms, such as Asperger Syndrome. Obviously, this is not a medical forum and I'm no Doctor, but if you could get it checked out at least? Before doing anything your family will regret.

it has has been suggested in the past that i may have a touch of Autism. from a couple of visits with a psychiatrist years but i dont display any of the clasic sytoms but that doesnt change anything there's no wonder drug or real solution to the problem
and besides I'm sure everyone could find some condition wrong with themselves to the point where all there problems could be blamed on that condition

Overheal · 01-04-2008 12:44pm

your probably right i what your saying being self aware only leads to a sense of been uncertain of larger scheme of the universe stupid people are more often then not happier people
the those with large intellect just look at bush and I'm sure that the cows and sheep in the fields are happier then all of human existence

You dont have to lower yourself to the intellectual level of a cow or a US President to be happy. But definitely narrow the scope. Sitting down too long pondering the meaning of life will drain the soul out of anyone.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2008 3:14am

"The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it"

Hi Op! Mind me asking do you love anyone in particular?
I don't mean girlfriend necessarily but do you really really care for your family and friends? Would you die for them sort of care?

I don't say this to make you feel guilty, I think you have really shown this love even from your post about waiting until your brother does the LC and your brother who you are helping with his problems. (same guy?)

Your shyness may inhibit you expressing your feelings but I think you owe a duty to those you love (and love you) to let them know how much you do care.

Praise them, Encourage them, Help them, do anything you can to make their lives better.

Remember, if you do decide that suidice is your only way out I think that in the interests of fairness you should try to undo the real pain that those who love you will suffer when your gone, by helping them NOW.

Not just one day or two, but what you think is an equal amount to the grief they will suffer.

There is so much pain in the world, try to do your bit to undo it!

Niamh21 · 02-04-2008 10:20am

Not depressed???? I'd say you have chronic depression!! You won't find the answers to life here.

You want to make a difference? Lead a fruitfull, worthy life?? Why don't you travel the world, why don't you go to africa and help the less fortunate by building homes and wells. Do something different to get out of your rut. Don't judge the world around you if you have'nt travelled it. If this does'nt seem like a good idea and you would still rather kill yourself than see the most amazing sunset in the world in person:

http://img1.photographersdirect.com/img/5930/wm/pd902384.jpg

you should seek professional help.

Moss · 02-04-2008 10:54am

Look, you attempted suicide before and 12 years later you still feel suicidal. For God's sake get professional help. Start with your GP.

Beerlao · 02-04-2008 11:50am

Alfonz wrote: »

Remember, if you do decide that suidice is your only way out I think that in the interests of fairness you should try to undo the real pain that those who love you will suffer when your gone, by helping them NOW.

Not just one day or two, but what you think is an equal amount to the grief they will suffer.

speaking from experience, a lifetime's work would not undo the grief, it's something your family would NEVER get over.

TURRICAN · 02-04-2008 11:57am

things are never as bad as they seem.just do what everyone esle does.
you already started to look for help here,well done clap yourself on the back.keep going dont stop.dont look back anymore:)

Mazeire · 02-04-2008 12:01pm

How do you find the meaning of life?

You go out and you actually LIVE it as opposed to hanging around and waiting for it to end as you have spent the last 12 years doing.

Dudess · 02-04-2008 12:22pm

JON DOE wrote: »

the problem is that i have always been found it hard to interact with people socially and i have just moved to a new town and i know no one

You are shy and lacking confidence. Many people are. It does not make you a "misfit" or not worthy of happiness or love. You should stop over-thinking it and viewing it as a serious problem. It isn't.

i have a small group of close friends and a suportive faimly but they they are are besides the issue and live the other side of the country

This is a tiny island, everything is a train journey away. Learn to see the positive in the above - a small group of close friends and a supportive family. Sounds exactly like what I have and it's great to me. I'm not on a "oh you should be thankful for what you have" rant. It seems to me like you're so consumed by negativity that you are unable to see the good in life.

my problem is that i never had a proper meaningful relationship

You and many others

I'm still a virgin

So you'd prefer to attach more meaning to sex than purely physical, therefore you'll wait until you meet the right person? Nothing wrong with that. That's the way some people are built. Sex isn't a big deal to some people - that's cool. Sex is a big deal to others - that's also cool. Once you've made up your own mind about this and you haven't come to such a conclusion based on outside influences (in either case) then that is all that matters.

and find myself unable to form those relationships that most people can form in a 10 minute conversation.

Where are you getting that figure from?!

I can assure you that is not the case with most people...

i find myself in a rut and i cant get out of it. the world changes and still stuck in the same place alone in the same position that iv always been in.

Again, you are not alone.

iv got a good job but find it hard to justify why i work if i have have no life to add meaning to it.

This is a problem for so, so many people but I would have thought of an older age group - usually with commitments like children, mortgage etc. You're only 25 with no such commitments - you should take it upon yourself to make a change. Go travelling, explore alternative career options, do a college course.

I'm not depressed

Well I can't make a diagnosis obviously, but as someone on the outside looking in, you actually seem considerably depressed. The illness depression isn't necessarily just feeling "sad". It's being negative - you are exceptionally negative and you actually seem incapable of seeing the positives; it's about disproportionate feelings of being alone and that your problems are unusual, when that is undoubtedly not the case - which again most definitely applies to you; it's about over-analysing, over-examining yourself... to the point of self punishing and feeling like a failure; it's about not being able to enjoy life and feeling doomed/seeing no future.
Stop being so harsh and unfair on yourself. Start believing in yourself - why should you feel so crap about yourself when others in the exact same circumstances feel great? Why can't you be like them? Simple. Of course you can be like them but you are the one sabotaging it, nobody else. However, you need help to overcome this, and to see why your thoughts about yourself are so illogical and irrational.
You should arrange to see a counsellor as soon as possible. As for the suicidal thoughts: don't do that to your family. You feel bad now, why transfer those bad feelings (multiplied by goodness knows how much) onto those whom you leave behind?

If it's any consolation, age can help too. At 25 you are still wrestling with those teenage angst issues which started for you at 13 (I'm serious - the first half of your 20s is like an extension of your teenage years). You are coming to a stage though, where these doubts and fears start to slip away.

But that's not a guarantee either. Please contact that counsellor. The problems you're experiencing are so common - meh, they affect pretty much everyone. But some view them as far more serious than they are. You're one such person and there is no need at all for you to carry on like this. If you're thinking "but I bet I'm the one person for whom there is no alternative"... stop! You are no different from any other decent human being - you owe it to yourself to find this out and to change your thinking for the better.
I'm not saying the world is always a wonderful place covered in pink fluffy clouds, but that doesn't mean you have to be negative about life. And as for the "meaning" of life? Well we're here - that's meaning enough.

So from this second on, stop feeling alone. You're majorly, majorly not.

LegacyUser · 02-04-2008 1:05pm

JON DOE wrote: »

ever since i was 13 i have i always planed when i was 25 and my siblings were finished school I would have committed suicide by now. i am 25 now .but i haven't because my youngest brother is still in school and i want this to happen at a stage where he has time to adjust and not to mess up his leaving. the problem is that i have always been found it hard to interact with people socially and i have just moved to a new town and i know no one i have a small group of close friends and a suportive faimly but they they are are besides the issue and live the other side of the country . my problem is that i never had a proper meaningful relationship and I'm still a virgin and and find myself unable to form those relationships that most people can form in a 10 minute conversation. i find myself in a rut and i cant get out of it. the world changes and still stuck in the same place alone in the same position that iv always been in. iv got a good job but find it hard to justify why i work if i have have no life to add meaning to it. I'm not depressed despite what i just said just unable to justify why i should keep living besides fouling things for those around me i feel so vacant in life. iv nothing to add meaning to another 50 years of life no hope for the future as it stands besides material things.

I find ur story very worrying tbh.

Im now 24 and at the age of 12/13 i went down the line of suicidal thoughts -how best to do it, when to do it etc. I even thought was wat to use to do it.
My answer to all my thoughts were wen i finished 2nd yr in secondary school and to slice my wrists. I have 2 younger siblings (aged 6 and 1 at the time) and i also had been bullied for 4yrs in primary school whereby i was battered on a regular basis and i saw no way of getting out of the misery that was my day to day life. But the unexpected happened. I had the knife i was going to use, I was in a shed and suddenly the door swung open. I was caught tho it was unintentional. I was told by the person who caught me that i was a very stupid little girl (which didnt help the matter at all). i was handed a diary/note book and told to write everything that was in my head onto paper. It made no sense at the time. I was watched like a hawk for about 6 months, never left on my own at all. Kinda felt like a prisioner. Abouts 7 maybe 8 months after i was caught I was in a shop or something and a women was talkin to a man saying she was sorry for his loss. I asked about that and was told that the man's daughter had killed herself. This shocked me as the girl was the youngest of 7. She was 15. All that did it for me was her dads face. It still haunts me now. I am grateful now that i didnt go thru with it.

However if ur still thinking/sure of doing it maybe u should do a bit of research. Talk to any family who has suffered with a loved one committing suicide. Talk to Samaritans but im telling u now u have not got a clue on how much damage/hurt u can inflict on ur family if u do go thru with it.

The meaning of Life - is the motion or agenda that u create for yourself to achieve in life. The most important agenda for u to do is to help others and not be wholly selfish (Tis sentence is for evry1 not just u) If u dont have an agenda or any expectations - then create some that will make others feel good.

Sorry if this seems one sided but i can reply what i think from what ive read and what ive experienced.

User21027 · 02-04-2008 1:59pm

had been obese from 11 yrs old. Pet dog got killed at 14, so depressed i lost 4 stone. Mother fell disabled by disease when i was 11. Granny died , i was 17, Granded dies i was 18. Moved away from Dublin at 13. Fell in love at 15, heart broken at 17. pregnant at 19. Fell in love at 21, heart broken again at 23. Moved away again at 25.
Now i'm 26, working in a good job. Doing a college degree, bought my first home single handedly in Nov 07, bought flash car in Oct 07. i have contemplated suicide many times, but life picked up, i worked hard. You can turn it around. i live in a starnge new area again, with no friends, been single for 3 yrs... Through ambition and drive to want better i turned my life around. Its a lonely road but it will pay off. You can do it too. Have hope and belief in yourself. Others will put you down, dont do it to yourself too. Good luck!

:):)

Oryx · 02-04-2008 4:59pm

You decided to kill yourself at 13, and then postponed it till 25. A very methodical way to look at it. It means that you've not really been living for the last 12 years, merely treading water till the time came to end it all. No wonder you find life pointless. You never had a point to live for, if youre mindset is simply one of waiting for it to end. Any life lived that way IS pointless.

You will never even begin to see a point in being alive until you change your view of life from time that must be endured, to life that must be lived. Looking for a reason in the some time future will not really get you anywhere, as yet again, youre not thinking of how you feel now, but how you might feel in some ideal future when everything comes together for you. Dont try to do that, because things might never gel in the way you think they need to for life to be perfect. The perfect job/people/circumstances may never arrive. Dont compare your lot to that of others either. Everyone deals with their own life and creates their own happiness with the things they have been given.

If you want to find love, contentment and happiness, start by not seeking it from others, but by quite simply giving it to them. Be it your friends, family, co workers. Dont look for the ideal relationships you see around you, start small and build up happiness in other ways first, desperately trying to find someone to fill that gap wont work.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2008 1:32am

thanks for the support it always good to have other peoples perspectives on my situation or a least perceived state of mind.

i think as i always put the 25 thing as a marker in my life as something as a marker but never something set in stone it never stops me from doing the things that i wanted after moving past that date i feel lost and bewildered because somethings changed in my life abut as much to do with the fact iv stared a new job in a new place. the question that i asked at the start of this thread was how do i find meaning to life?
and i know its only a question that i can answer myself and i don't know what the answer is yet maybe later i will

the main reason i started this tread was to bare my soul to those whose who wanted to listen and to get this off chest in full for the first time and try to get it away from me in sort of therapeutic exercise and i have been touched by all the people who made an effort to post and thoughts and feeling of their own life and give me another perspective

i wouldn't call myself depressed in the sense that iv seen other people but i do go trough a fair few mood swings sometimes I'm ecstatic and sometimes i feel fairly ****ty like when i opened this post same as everyone else. to be honest i was a bit drunk and had a rubbish night out. but the stuff i said had to said to someone if only to the Internet

i haven't tryed to commit suicide since i was 13 and since then iv gone through some bad times but iv also gone trough some great times. i feel I'm going trough a time of a lot of adjustment and questioning of place. with this job been made permanent and new town thing but its probably a fairly normal thing to have happen but that doesnt make it any easier and getting other peoples perspective on always helps. im not suidcideal i just think i needed to bare my soul

taylor1501 · 04-04-2008 9:56am

i know how you feel:(

how do i find meaning to life

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