I feel so helpless.

LegacyUser · 03-04-2008 11:03am #1

I don’t really know why I’m writing this, nobody can help me with this, but my world is falling apart and I have nowhere to turn. If I talk to my parents about this they will say it’s my own fault, that I don’t manage my money properly and that I should be a better housekeeper and not give my boyfriend anything to complain about.

We are together 2 years, and have an 8mth old son together. I’m 25 and he’s 21, but he’s so mature, even more than I am.

We have been saving so hard for the last year so we can buy a house, and have done really well, we were meant to be organising a meeting with a broker over the next couple of weeks to organise our mortgage and everything was going do well. We get on brilliantly and rarely row. I love him with all my heart and can’t imagine my life without him.

I thought he felt the same, I thought we were a little family and that we were planning our future together, now it seems all he was planning for was keeping it as easy as possible for him to walk away.

He’d always told me that he didn’t believe in marriage, and that was fine with me, he even told me that eventually, if it was something that really meant a lot to me that he would marry me, and I left it at that, I never pushed him or even brought it up in conversation.

Three days ago he told me he didn’t want to buy a house, that he didn’t feel ready for a mortgage that he was too young, I understood this and while I was disappointed I just said ok. Two days ago, he said it again, said he wanted to rent for a few years, this time he said it was because he didn’t trust me with money and didn’t want to get into a financial agreement with me. I didn’t really know how to respond to this, so I just left it.

Last night I tried to talk to him about it, tried to explain to him that while yes, I do like to shop and sometimes spend a bit loosely that I’m aware of this, and it’s for this reason that I don’t have a credit card and I do my best to watch my spending. I know how important a mortgage is, I’ve rented before for 3 years and never once paid late, and that there is no way I would jeopardise our home and that of our son, and I asked him to reconsider.

He then told me that he wasn’t sure if we’d still be together if it wasn’t for our son and the real reason for not wanting to buy is that he’s not sure of our long term relationship and if we’ll last. I’m gutted; he’s turned my world upside down. I don’t want to lose him, so I don’t want to push the issue. There was never a doubt in my mind about our relationship, having our son may have speeded things up, but I knew in my heart that we would have got here……..or at least I thought I knew.

I don’t know what to do; do I just go along with things as normal even though there is this huge question mark hanging over my future? Do I demand he sorts his head out and tells me what he wants?
I’m so afraid he’ll tell me what I’m dreading hearing. I don’t want someone to be with me just because of our son, I’m a good person and I deserve someone who loves me for who I am……but I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I’m so confused.

I’m sorry for the long read, I don’t know what I expect anyone to say, but my life as I know it is hanging in the balance.

seamus · 03-04-2008 12:57pm

He's 21 - he's got a lot of "serious" stuff on his plate when you compare him to other people his age.

It doesn't sound like he's any less serious about you, but you can understand how he might be freaking out inside. At 21, most of us were still either in college partying away, or working our first job, squandering our earnings on enjoying ourselves.

Yes, you can't go on with the big question mark hanging over the relationship, so you need to discuss it now. As I say, it just sounds like he's freaking out - almost every single person I know who was in a long-term relationship at 21, freaked out. Perhaps propose giving him time and space to sort his head out - not breaking up, just spending less time together, letting him cut loose and spend more time living his own life.

Beruthiel · 03-04-2008 1:11pm

turmoil wrote: »

We have been saving so hard for the last year so we can buy a house

I agree with seamus.
That's a huge amount of pressure on a 21 year old.
Coming straight from his teens into the time of his life when he should be kicking back and having fun instead of settling down and thinking of a mortgage cannot be easy.

He then told me that he wasn’t sure if we’d still be together if it wasn’t for our son and the real reason for not wanting to buy is that he’s not sure of our long term relationship and if we’ll last. I’m gutted; he’s turned my world upside down. I don’t want to lose him, so I don’t want to push the issue.

Might I suggest that you have already put him under pressure, the fact that ye were saving this last year for a mortgage means he's been saving at age 20, no wonder he's freaked. Who needs that kind of responsibility at his age!

My suggestion is, relax, forget about it for a while, let him go have fun with his mates and perhaps after a while he may come to realise that he can have both. Friends and his family.
Push him on this now and he'll run. As anyone would at age 21.

dh0661 · 03-04-2008 1:43pm

While I was reading your post, I was thinking that your guy, and you, are under pressure. Then I read the two replies after your post, and they have said it all.
Take it easy with the saving, get out more and enjoy life a little. If it takes three years, instead of two, to save for a deposit on your house - so what.
Enjoy your time with each other and good luck.

Miss Fluff · 03-04-2008 1:44pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

My suggestion is, relax, forget about it for a while, let him go have fun with his mates and perhaps after a while he may come to realise that he can have both. Friends and his family.
Push him on this now and he'll run. As anyone would at age 21.

Spot on. Don't corner him into making a decision on this now because his instinct will be to run. Regardless of how "mature" he is, the guy is only out of his teens! Give him some rope, it DOES sound like he is committed to you OP so try and relax and don't put pressure on him.

Glowing · 03-04-2008 3:29pm

In the mean time, why don't you apply (on your own) for affordable housing for you and your son? It means if the worst comes to the worst, you should at least have something secure for you and your child.

heavyheart · 03-04-2008 3:35pm

I think if he was mature enough to have a baby then he is mature enough to save money and have a mortgage. It wasnt easy but i had a mortgage on my own when i was 20 and managed ok , he on the other hand has a loving partner and a child to support him... i think in actually fact he should grow up and accept his responsibilities.

seamus · 03-04-2008 3:54pm

heavyheart wrote: »

I think if he was mature enough to have a baby then he is mature enough to save money and have a mortgage.

Having a baby doesn't make someone mature.

I'm more than happy to be corrected by the OP here, but becoming pregnant seven months into the relationship, probably wasn't planned.

i think in actually fact he should grow up and accept his responsibilities.

There's nothing in the post to suggest that he's being irresponsible. Yes, having a child confers some responsibilities on a person, but it's not a requirement to get a house, get married and settle down. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to have an active social life, enjoy yourself and doss around, all while raising a child.

heavyheart · 03-04-2008 4:08pm

Planned or not if he is mature enough to have sex then he should be mature enough to face the consequences of it . Baby's mean money, they mean giving up SOME of the boogie boogie i wanna be wild time...
If he wanted to have all his freedom then he should have taken more precautions.

Hrududu · 03-04-2008 4:24pm

Planned or not if he is mature enough to have sex then he should be mature enough to face the consequences of it . Baby's mean money, they mean giving up SOME of the boogie boogie i wanna be wild time...
If he wanted to have all his freedom then he should have taken more precautions.

The guy is young and is feeling the pressure. I don't think getting someone pregnant means you have to immediately get married and buy a house. If he is unsure about the relationship then thats the last thing he needs to do. It sounds like a very stressful situation for both of them and I agree he needs some time to sort his head out.

Mazeire · 03-04-2008 4:31pm

heavyheart wrote: »

Planned or not if he is mature enough to have sex then he should be mature enough to face the consequences of it . Baby's mean money, they mean giving up SOME of the boogie boogie i wanna be wild time...
If he wanted to have all his freedom then he should have taken more precautions.

HH 12 year olds have sex. I agree with what you are saying but it is far from being the reality.

As for the protection, again, i agree with you but coulda woulda shoulda...didn't.

And here we are.

OP it sounds like he is looking at his friends and has a case of grass is greener syndrome. You really need to talk to him. If he wants to end it he will end it and not talking to him won't change that. You just have to see what he says and take it from there.

heavyheart · 03-04-2008 4:41pm

Mazeire wrote: »

OP it sounds like he is looking at his friends and has a case of grass is greener syndrome. You really need to talk to him. If he wants to end it he will end it and not talking to him won't change that. You just have to see what he says and take it from there.

+1

di11on · 03-04-2008 4:57pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

I agree with seamus.
That's a huge amount of pressure on a 21 year old...

I'm not sure I have quite so much sympathy for this 21 year old. He fathered a child. That brings responsibility. He might have a lot more on his plate than many others his age, but he put it there.

In my opinion, fathering a child has entered him into a far more binding contract with his child and, in my opinion, with the mother of his child than any marriage or mortgage.

It's not fair that everyone is supposed to live with the results of his actions, except him.

dh0661 · 03-04-2008 6:16pm

di11on wrote: »

I'm not sure I have quite so much sympathy for this 21 year old. He fathered a child. That brings responsibility. He might have a lot more on his plate than many others his age, but he put it there.

In my opinion, fathering a child has entered him into a far more binding contract with his child and, in my opinion, with the mother of his child than any marriage or mortgage.

It's not fair that everyone is supposed to live with the results of his actions, except him.

I think that's a fair enough comment, but would the twenty one year olds that you speak off run off to their local council looking for a house, or like this chap put themselves under enormous pressure saving for a deposit ?.

seahorse · 03-04-2008 8:33pm

di11on wrote: »

I'm not sure I have quite so much sympathy for this 21 year old. He fathered a child. That brings responsibility. He might have a lot more on his plate than many others his age, but he put it there.

In my opinion, fathering a child has entered him into a far more binding contract with his child and, in my opinion, with the mother of his child than any marriage or mortgage.

It's not fair that everyone is supposed to live with the results of his actions, except him.

Spot on. What about the OP who's sitting there with his baby in her lap? She's only a very young woman too and his I'm-not-so-sure-about-this-all-of-a-sudden routine means he is presenting her with the possibility of living alone with their child, which her post clearly conveys was no part of her plan.

Maybe the assumption is because she is four years older she was the instigator of their current situation? - but if so, that is all it is; an assumption. For all anyone reading her posts knows he may have suggested early parenthood, otherwise their child may have been unplanned, in which case they are both equally responsible for their situation.

The 'poor lad who deserves to get out and live a little' sentiments don't wash with me at all. He should have kept a rubber on it if his social life was that important to him.

Mixedup · 03-04-2008 8:46pm

I see both sides of the argument, i'm 21 myself and i know that guys my age, despite their best intentions, aren't all that mature at the end of the day..

Since it is the OP looking for advice here, i would suggest that you make provisions for yourself and your baby, without placing all your hope and faith in your boyfriend and the current relationship, he might have the best intentions in the world, and will probably be a wonderful father to the child, but at such a young age himself he is still learning and changing as a person, so the wonderful relationship you guys have now, might not always be this way..

you never know it might all work out great, but just in case, for your own security, i wouldn't go buying with him, get on the affordable housing list yourself, or rent, just make sure that no matter what, you and the baby are looked after. You're still very young too, so while you and you're boyfriend will always have an extremely special bond, after all you have a beautiful child together,
who's to say that he is where your ultimate happiness lies...

of course i could be totally wrong, thats just my 2c..

I feel so helpless.

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