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Still afraid of upsetting my ex

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  • 14-04-2014 12:48pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm single about a year and have just started a new relationship with someone that I am definitely falling in love with. However I still worry a bit about my ex's feelings. I know they aren't seeing anybody and have been told that they haven't really moved on or got over our breakup. I broke up with them as I just wasn't in love with them anymore and I felt terrible as I broke their heart. There was no 3rd party or affairs or anything like that.

    I have been out on dates with people but now that I've met someone that I've started a relationship with, part of me wants to tell the world and the other part wants it to be kept quiet for a while longer. I'm not going to keep it quiet, but the whole thing makes me feel a little awkward and I don't know really know why.

    I will never get back with my ex. I am 100% sure of that. But knowing that they haven't really moved on, I feel like I'll upset them more when they hear of, or see me with, my new partner.


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    #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    It's been a year. Your ex is not your responsibility and it's up to him and him alone to get over it and move on. Hiding your current relationship isn't going to help him, and the guy you're currently seeing will only tolerate it for so long before he starts asking questions about his relationship with you.


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    #3
    Butterface
    Registered Users Posts: 731 ✭✭✭Butterface


    Well there's no need to keep it quiet, but how would your ex possibly find out anyway? If he is still in your friendship circle, and you see him often, maybe sit him down for a chat - although you really don't owe him that. It all depends on what your relationship with him is.

    If your ex is still not getting over the break up, then finding out that you have moved on will help. I was turning mopey after a relationship ended years ago, and still clinging onto hope that she'd change her mind. Seeing her moving on with somebody a few months down the line gave me a kick up the arse!


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    #4
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    If you broke up with your ex at the weekend then you'd be justified in handling the situation sensitively but the break up happened a whole year ago.

    You're also basing a misguided decision on third party tittle tattle. You don't know that he is still heartbroken and pining. People have told you this but you don't really know for definite.

    He's a big boy and I'm sure he's fine so get on with your life as normal. Break ups sting and if he is still hurting, seeing you with someone else will actually be better for his long term recovery - a lot of people's reluctance and inability to move on is often based on false hope of a reconciliation so seeing you with a new boyfriend signifies moving on for good.

    Don't rub his nose in it but you and your new boyfriend deserve the joy of sharing your news and excitement about being with each other.


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    #5
    Alf. A. Male
    Closed Accounts Posts: 740 ✭✭✭Alf. A. Male


    So long as you're not callous or hurtful about it, you moving on might help him to do the same, so you might be addressing your concern for his feelings by living your life.


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    #6
    barry181091
    Registered Users Posts: 1,593 ✭✭✭barry181091


    Ah I know those feelings alright.

    It's admirable that you worry about their feelings but as other posters have said, there is probably no need. You are working off second hand information from friends (I assume.) Again don't rub their nose in it but don't hold back either.

    As another poster said, you don't owe them at all, but if on reasonable terms, maybe have a chat with them.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks for the replies.

    It wasn't idle gossip that I was told they haven't moved on. I was told by a close (closer to me) mutual friend that was very recently out with my ex. We have mutual friends and live in a small enough town so although we haven't actually seen each other in passing in some months now, we will over the summer.

    Having a chat one on one? That would be more awkward than it's worth. Like someone said, I don't owe them any chat or update on my relationship status. We don't keep in contact now so I wouldn't be contacting them just to tell them about my new partner.

    I think the best option is to just try and forget about it and live my new life with my new partner. There will be an awkward day or night no doubt in the not too distant future but that's just something I'll have to deal with at the time.


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    #8
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users Posts: 1,121 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Your ex may be holding onto the fact that he can still pull your heart strings in that way. It does you and your current boyfriend no good to put undue emphasis on your exes feelings and it does the ex no good to think his feelings still have the power to effect you moving on.


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