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why does he hate me??

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  • 14-04-2014 8:42am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    hi, hope someone can help?
    I was with my ex for just over 3 years we both work together, and we had so much love and respect for each other, we were compatible on so many levels and we both felt it was forever, but for the last 6 to 8 months of the relationship things have not been so good, he had a lot of other problems that we both found it hard to cope with, it took its toll on both of us as individuals and as a couple, without going into what these issue's were, he became cold and I became insecure, needy, jealous and paranoid, I was very up and down and sometimes lashed out and said mean and hurtful things to him, I had said on several occasions I needed to go and move on as being in the situation we were in was so hard to bare at times, but I never did "go and move on" he always remained patient with me and always said he understood my actions, BUT eventually I drove him away! and rightly so, but will always regret it. He said he didn't love me anymore, he said he knows how he feels and it didn't happen over night but over the last couple of months, he said I need to move on! I begged him not to go, I was desperate and unbelievable needy, I acted in a crazy way, on average I sent him 5 texts to every one I received back. ( that's not me! I'm not that person ) I never used to be insecure, I was always a fairly confident lady, I've been in relationships before and was never like that, but the situation we were going through turned me that way, anyway after a week of continuous crying, obsessing over what went wrong, sending crazy text messages, I hit bottom! but from somewhere I found the strength, I began to start to smile again, I walked into work every day with my head held high, I began to laugh again, went for long walks, made appointment with friends and started to feel some bit normal again, he was seeing all those changes in me due to us working together, its been 5 weeks now since he broke up with me and my problem now is, he is being horrible to me at work, he unfriended me from fb, he unfriended my best friend, and now he has blocked me! when we broke up he kept apologising, told me he understood why I was so insecure but he knows how he feels, so why is he being so horrible towards me now?? I'm sure I deserve it after how I have treated him for so long, but he's anger is so out of character, any ideas anyone?
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    #2
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    It may not be anger or hate, just that the relationship is over and so he no longer feels it is necessary to remain "friends" on Facebook.

    Tbh I'm not on Facebook but I know that what is posted or done on Facebook is not really a reflection of "real life". He may just not want to see your posts or what have you. Or he may just feel its the done thing.

    I wouldn't necessarily equate it to him hating you.


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    #3
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    I'm guessing OP in the same way as you had changed in the last few months of the relationship, that took it's toll on your ex mentally and would've effected a change in him too.

    Then as you recovered and got your life back on track (and well done too btw!), in those intervening months, your ex was using that time too to recover himself, and has perhaps changed in ways that he feels will help him to recover. There's not a whole lot you can do about Facebook, as Tasden says this is perhaps so he wouldn't constantly have to see updates about your life that would serve as a reminder to him of the life you both could have had, or perhaps he just now feels that he'd like his life to remain private from you as possible.

    "Hate" is a pretty strong word OP, I would say it's hurt moreso than hate, and you can't do anything to 'fix' that except try and understand where he's coming from and give it time, the same way it took you time to heal, perhaps it's going to take your ex a bit longer.

    If he is making your work environment uncomfortable for you though and creating tension and causing your work to suffer through his actions having a direct influence on your work, then it might warrant approaching him and discussing a way to get past this in a mature adult fashion as it's causing issues in the workplace.


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    #4
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    Maybe it's bruised his ego that you appear to have completely moved on from him and found happiness and confidence without him. It sounds to me like he was getting a kick out of your neediness and the desperate attention that you paid him and the constant validation you sought from him.
    Now that that's gone, the dynamic has changed and he no longer holds the same 'power' over you.
    That and you need to be less sensitive to his every move. He's no longer your boyfriend, so of course his behaviour is going to change. If he seems full of venom, he obviously has his own issues which does nothing but further emphasizes the fact that the break up was absolutely the best thing that could happen for you.


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    #5
    dipdip
    Closed Accounts Posts: 537 ✭✭✭dipdip


    beks101 wrote: »
    It sounds to me like he was getting a kick out of your neediness and the desperate attention that you paid him and the constant validation you sought from him.

    That's the opposite of the impression I got: to me it seems he was patient and kind until eventually he couldn't take it any more and broke up with her. Then he tried to distance himself from her, which is healthy.

    OP he is doing the right thing. You will not get over each other if you're looking at each other's lives via facebook every day. It's not personal, although it may feel so - he needs to move on and so do you.

    Keep doing what you're doing. Hold your head high, learn from this experience and carry on. In a few months you will be back to your old self.


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    #6
    Starokan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    Although it hurts he is actually doing you a favour in removing you as a friend on facebook, you do not need to follow his life and he does not need to follow yours. Both of you can never move on if you do that, likewise your best friend has probably been removed for those very same reasons.

    With regard to being horrible to you at work then I would suspect that he is not altogether happy with how quickly you are coming back to yourself and this is his way of reacting to it. Again I would not take it to heart, breakups are horrible and it takes all parties time to adjust. That's why many people do not date those whom they work with.

    In short I would be certain he does not hate you, he is just adjusting in his own way, respect that, give him time and stay being happy and all will be fine.


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    #7
    IrishEyes19
    Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭IrishEyes19


    Is he actually horrible to you in work though? what do you define as horrible? blanking you, not talking to you? Or is he outwardly saying nasty things ect? Because if its the latter, its wrong and being nasty, but if he is avoiding you, its just letting the dust settle, the last thing you want after three years is to have the issue back in your face.

    as for facebook, I dont regard that as anything, I deleted and was deleted from facebook before when I ended relationships and it was right, no one needs a reminder of what was. Its just prolonging the pain.


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