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Just being a good friend or does she want more??

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  • 13-04-2014 8:07pm
    #1
    Peach Loop
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭


    Hi all,
    I'm a girl who has just finished secondary school and I've had this female friend about 6 or 7 years. Recently I've gotten a boyfriend and a few months ago he began to get unsure about her. He thinks she may have feelings for me.

    There are quite a lot of reasons for this. She has always had a lot of money and she is always buying me expensive gifts (expensive concert tickets, weekends away, clothes, food, drinks when we go out, etc.I pay for nothing when I'm with her.) and she sends me lots of x's in messages and love hearts and the like. She can also be quite nasty about my boyfriend, telling me i don't need him, forgetting he exists, not inviting him places with us and not wanting to meet him in the first place. She also wanted to go to our debs together (at the time she said it was to eliminate the pressure of getting dates) and she doesn't like me sending the odd text to my boyfriend (just to say i'm OK) when i'm with her.

    I'm not sure what I think and I've never thought about her behavior like this before. I have other friends who send me x's and love hearts but he is convinced this is different. It's not that big of a deal to me but my boyfriend is confused to why she's like this. I would also like another opinion as I cant really see it. So people, does my friend have feelings for me or am is she just being generous?


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    #2
    loalae
    Registered Users Posts: 547 ✭✭✭loalae


    Eh no! Sounds like she is just your best friend! Maybe she is a bit jealous that things have changed since you started going out with this guy. Maybe she doesn't like him and doesn't think he's good enough for you. Maybe she really wants a boyfriend and is annoyed that it has happened for you before it has happened for her. I don't know, and you won't know unless you sit her down and ask her if she has a problem with you going out with this guy.

    How many texts is the "odd" text? Do you HAVE to text your boyfriend when you're with her? I know when I'm out with friends and one of them is constantly texting their partner it gets very irritating.

    TBH I'd be more worried that your boyfriend seems to be trying to drive a wedge between you and your friend (I don't mean to alarm you but this is one of the signs of an abusive relationship). Did you ever get the impression that your friend fancied you until your boyfriend suggested it?

    I'd say she's just generous UNLESS there are conditions attached to the presents she gets you - like if she says she'll only buy you something if you agree to hang out with only her. The xxx and hearts are things that most girls your age send their friends - don't read too much into it!

    Just an afterthought - why do you let her buy you all this stuff when you go out? I find that part a little strange. Do you have no income? I mean, why can't you buy your own drinks/food/clothes?


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    #3
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Sounds to me like she's just acting like any other best friend and your boyfriend is trying to plant seeds in your head about her. He is probably jealous of your friendship with her.


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    #4
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Jaysus, we're already insinuating the OP is in an abusive relationship?

    OP, you need to realise that men don't have these kind of relationships. Your boyfriend may genuinely just think your friend has romantic feelings for you. There doesn't have to be ulterior motives on his part.

    You say you've known her for 7 years, does she talk about boys? Crushes? Personally, I don't think it's normal for a friend to spend that kind of money on you. And I don't think it's right that you accept these gifts. Does she do that for anyone else?


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    #5
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Why do you 'pay for nothing' when you're with her? Why are you accepting that level of investment without question?


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    #6
    Peach Loop
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭Peach Loop


    hi guys,
    Thanks for the replies :)
    With regards to the money, there is no talking to her. I bring money when we go out (of course) but she can be quite overbearing about paying for things. I argue and argue and she will not take the money. Its gone to the stage where i end up sneaking it in to her bag when she isnt looking.

    With regards to the texting, its literally once every hour or two just to let him know im ok. For example when we went to a concert recently, she threatened to ring him and give out after i text him 3 times that day: 1 to say we were on the way there, one to say were had arrived there and one to tell him i was on my way home.

    And with regards the abusive relationship, it isnt. :) He's a great guy, always asks how she is and how college is going for her and she frequently remarks " i forget youre not single anymore" no matter how many times i tell her off about it. He's just concerned about the amount of money she spends and the condition of "I bought you this expensive thing, now you cant text him".


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    #7
    Peach Loop
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭Peach Loop


    MagicMarker wrote: »
    Jaysus, we're already insinuating the OP is in an abusive relationship?

    OP, you need to realise that men don't have these kind of relationships. Your boyfriend may genuinely just think your friend has romantic feelings for you. There doesn't have to be ulterior motives on his part.

    You say you've known her for 7 years, does she talk about boys? Crushes? Personally, I don't think it's normal for a friend to spend that kind of money on you. And I don't think it's right that you accept these gifts. Does she do that for anyone else?

    And to the crush thing, in the 7 years ive known her, she spoken about a (non- celebrity :P ) crush once. They went out, he hurt her and when i told her about my boyfriend it seemed she adopted and "all men are b*stards" attitude :D


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    #8
    RandyMann
    Closed Accounts Posts: 920 ✭✭✭RandyMann


    She sounds jealous that you have a boyfriend and she doesn't. Like if she can't have one, neither should you.
    Not really possible to comment on her sexual preferences, only she would know that...


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    #9
    Lenmeister
    Registered Users Posts: 1,457 ✭✭✭Lenmeister


    loalae wrote: »
    TBH I'd be more worried that your boyfriend seems to be trying to drive a wedge between you and your friend (I don't mean to alarm you but this is one of the signs of an abusive relationship).
    anna080 wrote: »
    Sounds to me like she's just acting like any other best friend and your boyfriend is trying to plant seeds in your head about her. He is probably jealous of your friendship with her.

    What? I'd love to know how you came to those conclusions. All she said is he thinks her friend has feelings for her. This girl said her bf is great, just confused by the friend. A lot of guys would be.

    I don't think your friend wants more, I think she's a bit annoyed that out of nowhere he showed up and all the time you spent with her has been slashed and she's not happy about it.

    But her being this way isn't cool and you need to tell her that. What if you end up together for a long time, she could be a massive strain on your relationship with this guy. If he makes you happy, then she should be happy for you. To be blunt, you're "friend" is being no friend. She's being a right wench because she can't have you to herself. You need to tell her it's not cool and she needs to cool off.


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    #10
    Peach Loop
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭Peach Loop


    Thanks for the posts guys. They're really appreciated :)


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    #11
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,781 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It sounds to me like she's a little bit immature. I have a friend a bit like that. (Except we are in our 30s now!) I used to be afraid to mention something to my friend because I knew she'd go into a sulk over it. And not just boys, she even gets jealous of other girl friends I have!

    When I was younger I used to constantly feel guilty around her if I had been somewhere with someone else. She'd ask me about it, and I'd play it down, so as not to tell her I had a great time, and then have to put up with her sulking!! Over time I started caring less about her moods and got on with enjoying my life.

    We are still friends, and I know now she tries really hard to pretend she's not jealous of my other friendships. But my mistake all along was humouring her. You are allowed to have a boyfriend. You are allowed to have other friends. The more you let her sulk or give out about it, the more of a right she will feel she has to give out about it. And if you really don't want her paying for things for you then you put a stop to it. Refuse to go out with her if she keeps insisting on buying everything, and mean it. If she wants to keep you as a friend she needs to respect you. And you are the only one who can make her respect you.


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    #12
    RossFixxxed
    Registered Users Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭RossFixxxed


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    It sounds to me like she's a little bit immature. I have a friend a bit like that. (Except we are in our 30s now!) I used to be afraid to mention something to my friend because I knew she'd go into a sulk over it. And not just boys, she even gets jealous of other girl friends I have!

    When I was younger I used to constantly feel guilty around her if I had been somewhere with someone else. She'd ask me about it, and I'd play it down, so as not to tell her I had a great time, and then have to put up with her sulking!! Over time I started caring less about her moods and got on with enjoying my life.

    We are still friends, and I know now she tries really hard to pretend she's not jealous of my other friendships. But my mistake all along was humouring her. You are allowed to have a boyfriend. You are allowed to have other friends. The more you let her sulk or give out about it, the more of a right she will feel she has to give out about it. And if you really don't want her paying for things for you then you put a stop to it. Refuse to go out with her if she keeps insisting on buying everything, and mean it. If she wants to keep you as a friend she needs to respect you. And you are the only one who can make her respect you.

    Yep I think this is more accurate than an abusive relationship and some mad Single White Female situation spilling over. That's more exciting, but from my reading it's down to her 'losing' her best friend and your time together being 'interrupted' by the texting.

    Whether she's right or wrong is up to you really, and have you tried sitting down and chatting about it?


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    #13
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    I dunno about just being jealous. The fact that before the boyfriend she still bought you drinks/gifts etc seems to be really strange to me. Also suggesting going to the debs together. I mean her behaviour toward your boyfriend could definitely be jealously, and if that was her only odd behaviour I'd agree but her strange behaviour seems to have been happening before your boyfriend was on the scene.


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    #14
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    How long are you going out with your boyfriend?


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    #15
    Peach Loop
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭Peach Loop


    I have spoken to her about it and she didn't speak to me for a week. She did say that she feels he is cutting into time with her but we go to different colleges and her course has quite a heavy workload so I don't see her as often as I used to anyway.

    We've been going out since the start of the college year.


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    #16
    Peach Loop
    Registered Users Posts: 18 ✭Peach Loop


    Chucky the tree wrote: »
    I dunno about just being jealous. The fact that before the boyfriend she still bought you drinks/gifts etc seems to be really strange to me. Also suggesting going to the debs together. I mean her behaviour toward your boyfriend could definitely be jealously, and if that was her only odd behaviour I'd agree but her strange behaviour seems to have been happening before your boyfriend was on the scene.

    I never really thought about ittil my bf brought it up. I thought she was just because I'm her friend. :/


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    #17
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Whether or not she fancies you it's clear she doesn't like the fact you spend (in her opinion) too much time with your boyfriend.

    I wonder if she was looking forward to experiencing a footloose and fancy free college life with you and your mates and is annoyed that's not the case.

    She might not fancy you, a friend of one couldn't see why I wanted to go out with my boyfriend (or any boyfriend). She was a bit bitter about it, but not jealous. She just really wanted full friendship attention.

    The paying for things sounds unhealthy though.

    Playing devils advocate but if she's paying for you to spend time together it's not good.

    Maybe you could do with giving your mate some one on one attention on a regular basis.


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    #18
    Defiler Of The Coffin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,117 ✭✭✭Defiler Of The Coffin


    She sounds really intense OP. It does seem she is somewhat obsessed with you, trying to buy your friendship with clothes and gifts and the likes. Might be no harm to put some distance between the two of you for a bit


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    #19
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »
    She sounds really intense OP. It does seem she is somewhat obsessed with you, trying to buy your friendship with clothes and gifts and the likes. Might be no harm to put some distance between the two of you for a bit

    I agree. Friendships change when people leave school and go to college. You need to spread your wings a bit and if she's a genuine friend she won't impose conditions on your friendship.


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