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OH Lied about an std test

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  • 14-04-2014 7:49pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi Everyone,

    I'm 23, my OH is 27
    He has an extensive sexual history, over 30 people that I know of and a pretty bad rep as a player and used to be a PUA. We're together 8 months.

    When I went on the pill i asked him if he had has a full std check up (about a month into the relationship) he assured me he had gotten one after the last girl he slept with as she gave him scabies.

    We were friends for 3 months before we got together and he was my best friends roommate, i trusted him and belived him. (silly me, im naive about sex sometimes)

    I started getting bladder infection a few weeks later, peeing blood cramps etc I went to the doctor and she said it was probably a UTI from having a new sexual partner. He was the first person i had slept with almost a year and a half after ending a 6 year relationship (my only other partner) I didnt get tested because he assured me he had been, more than once, I didnt go to the GUM clinic because he ssaid he was clear

    Fast forward to now, abdominal cramping, and more UTIs, peeing blood etc, my doctor thinks it may be an std

    I confront OH, he tells me, he's never had an std test, ever before and has slept with upwards of 10 women without a condom some of those 2 months before we slept together

    He's begging me to take him back that he only lied cause he was scared id be upset about his player past. He wants us to work it out.He says he'l come get tested with me and do anything in his power to make it ok.

    I dont know how im supposed to trust him again, he is my best friend, we run a business together, we're meant to be moving in together, im unemployed and he is saving me from homelessness by putting me up rent free

    Part of me hates him......Part of me still loves him. Do I get rid


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    #2
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Whether you choose to forgive him and stay with him is up to you, nobody can make that choice for you. But to put things in perspective, your boyfriend didn't just break your trust - he put your health at risk into the bargain, as you are finding out. Worrying that you might be upset with him doesn't even begin to cut it as an excuse IMHO, and if it were me it would certainly be a dealbreaker - I don't want to be with someone that would lie to me about something that serious especially if that lie could have long term consequences for my health. Right now I can only hope that whatever he's passed onto you is not too serious and is easily treatable.

    If you do choose to stay with him, he's got a long road ahead of him in terms of regaining your trust again, and either way, you need to have a full panel STD test as soon as possible. At this stage you have no way of knowing what your boyfriend might have passed on to you, and you can't trust him to give you an answer as to what he may have had in the past.


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    #3
    maria34
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    If he knew and did not want to tell you, why he did not use the condom???

    He seems to sleep with dirty bags i tell u that, id be very discusted. Yes u can have fun but use the effing condom!!

    P.S. just pray you havent catched hiv or dont loose tge chance to have kids. Some ppl are unreal.


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    #4
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Liedaboutstdtest wrote: »
    I dont know how im supposed to trust him again, he is my best friend, we run a business together, we're meant to be moving in together, im unemployed and he is saving me from homelessness by putting me up rent free

    I wouldn't care if he's running you bath in asses milk and feeding you grapes. He's played Russian Roulette with your sexual health and lied about it. You could have contracted anything from Gonorrhoea to HIV and all because he told you that he'd been given a recent clean bill of health when in fact he had unprotected sex with ten people before you AND contracted scabies from someone (which is just filthy) and then going on to have unprotected sex with you.

    I hope you've made an appointment ASAP with your nearest GUM clinic?

    I personally would be taking time out.


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    #5
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    You do sound a bit naive OP. Sounds a bit unsexy, but I've never been willing to sleep with someone without a condom without first seeing physical evidence of a full STI screening. That may mean accompanying the clinic together & that may mean the actual results letter.

    That's the value that I put on my health. That's how I protect myself from the absolute headfcuk & emotional turmoil of wondering if I've caught something or if I may be pregnant. And no amount of love or trust I have for someone has changed that need. Without your health you have nothing.

    Personally I'd find it very very hard to get over this. It doesn't just exhibit a real immaturity and disrespect for you, but also a casual disregard for your health that could have put your life at risk.


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    #6
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    maria34 wrote: »
    If he knew and did not want to tell you, why he did not use the condom???

    He seems to sleep with dirty bags i tell u that, id be very discusted. Yes u can have fun but use the effing condom!!

    P.S. just pray you havent catched hiv or dont loose tge chance to have kids. Some ppl are unreal.

    Why are the women "dirty bags"? Because they didn't use condoms? Op didn't either. Foolish yes. No need to be calling them names though.



    OP I'd be concerned that he didn't care about your health. He put you at risk.

    You're obviously both taking it seriously and getting tested so I won't lecture you about that.

    Go with what your gut is telling you would be my advice.


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    #7
    doyle61
    Registered Users Posts: 442 ✭✭doyle61


    Op, it's not like the subject just didn't come up with your boyfriend and he didn't bother or whatever to get a std test done on his own back.
    You deliberately and particularly brought this subject up (rightly so) with him and he deliberately deceived you into thinking he was clear. Ffs when you asked him he could have just said " jasus I never thought about that, I'll arrange an appointment tomorrow". Ye he would/could have come back positive for something but you knew what he was like before you got with him so it wouldn't have been such a big deal but by doing what he's done he's gambling with your health.
    Usually when I read questions on pi I personally think a lot of people jump too quickly to "dump him/her" but in this case Imo you should be really considering walking away.


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    #8
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    You dont need to decide right away, you can take your time to work out how you feel once you have all the information.

    First get your health sorted - get the full range of tests, and make absolutely sure he does too. Accompany him to the clinic if you have to. Wait until you get the results and then you can assess where to go from here. Even if you are pretty sure that you might dump him, make sure he gets tested beforehand if only to help the next girl he lies to.

    He exposed you to potentially dangerous STI's and given his sexual history, it was an utterly selfish move on his part. He could have affected your quality of life, your reproductive health, and all for what? Because he prefers not wearing a condom.

    We can tell you what we think of a man like this. One who has such little regard for your health, who, even in the face of you getting symptoms right after you begin to have sex, didnt tell you. He didnt tell you before you went to your GP, or afterwards when it was clear you were initially misdiagnosed. He didnt even tell you when you had to go back to the GP.
    He didnt tell you that you could have been exposed to an STI. Your doctor did. Not him. He still stayed quiet.

    So, throughout all those weeks of you being in pain, spending money on doctors, and treatments, all the while your infection might be getting worse, or progressing to a point where it may cause you long term harm, he said nothing to you. Protecting his own skin, but not giving a hoot about yours.

    What would he have done if you'd had a pretty inept GP who kept treating you for a UTI? Would he ever have admitted it? Probably not. You'd still be sleeping with him, minus a condom or tests, and he would still be lying to you. A scary thought.


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    #9
    jimd2
    Registered Users Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    Not alone has he the morals of a sewer rat but he is a selfish b*stard that does not care a damn about you or your health. You say that you are naive sexually. Maybe yes, maybe no but you were aware enough to ask hin upfront whether he was safe.

    So it wasnt a case of him "forgetting" about having the test before or when he met you...you actually asked him!

    Sorry but if it was me that would be the end after that breach of trust and lack of any care for you. You are implying a dependence on him which is not healthy at all for you in the medium to long term. It makes me wonder what he would actually have to do for you to dump him.

    On a side note, is he your best friend or is his roomate?


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    #10
    Chucky the tree
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,341 ✭✭✭✭Chucky the tree


    There's no way I'd stay with him. What are you going to do if you find out you have HIV or can't have kids any more? Finger crossed it doesn't come to that but that's the danger he has put you in.


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    #11
    maria34
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    Tasden wrote: »
    Why are the women "dirty bags"? Because they didn't use condoms? Op didn't either. Foolish yes. No need to be calling them names though.



    OP I'd be concerned that he didn't care about your health. He put you at risk.

    You're obviously both taking it seriously and getting tested so I won't lecture you about that.

    Go with what your gut is telling you would be my advice.

    They carry around sti-s plus one of them had crabs. Well if its not dirty enough ...


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unforgivable. No doubt about it, what he did is disgusting for someone of his age he should know better. Everyone's advice has been great OP but at the end of the day YOU have to decide whether to stay with him or not. But I genuinely don't understand how you could forgive him for playing with your health like it was nothing to him. Shows how much he cares!


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    #13
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    maria34 wrote: »
    They carry around sti-s plus one of them had crabs. Well if its not dirty enough ...

    OP could be in the same position now. STIs happen, they can be prevented yes, and that's why its so important to stay protected but they are not an indicator of how "dirty" someone is. A cheating or lying partner could be the reason for each of those girls having an sti for all you know.


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    #14
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    maria34 - you've been warned repeatedly in the past for making posts that don't offer advice, and instead taking potshots at somebody or making sweeping generalisations such as the one you've made now. Considering you have been warned about this time and time again, you're taking a week off from the PI/RI forums to rethink your posting style.

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #15
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    To be honest OP the PUA past alone would have had me running for the door. It's usually used by men with no respect for women and by god has he proved that he hasn't an ounce of respect for women.

    It's one thing not wanting to use a condom, it's another to blatenty lie to women so he won't have to wear one. Risking their health and ability to have children.

    Even when he knew you were going to the GP, he still didn't give enough of a **** about you to tell the truth. I doubt if he found out he had something he'd give enough of a **** about his past lovers to even inform them.

    Being brutally honest he sounds like an utter scumbag.


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    #16
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,778 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Just to clarify, OP, incase you are confused, because it seems other posters are... Scabies is not a sexually transmitted disease. It is highly contagious, and it can be transmitted by skin to skin contact, but that doesn't mean specifically sexual contact and it is not crabs (!) Adults usually get it... And "clean" adults can get it just as well as "dirty" ones.


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    #17
    qdawg86
    Registered Users Posts: 169 ✭✭qdawg86


    If you choose to stay with this person, I would be just as concerned about your emotional health i.e your level of self esteem, as I would be about your physical health.

    As his partner, he had the opportunity to take care of you and protect you and he passed on it :/.

    I don't mean to sound condescending but as you are quite young (23), it sounds like he may be taking advantage of your immaturity (not meant as an insult).


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    #18
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Just to clarify, OP, incase you are confused, because it seems other posters are... Scabies is not a sexually transmitted disease. It is highly contagious, and it can be transmitted by skin to skin contact, but that doesn't mean specifically sexual contact and it is not crabs (!) Adults usually get it... And "clean" adults can get it just as well as "dirty" ones.

    Indeed. Most commonly transmitted by children, according to my GP. I got it years ago while working in a shop. From a child who looked pretty clean. :)


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    #19
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    I reckon you're getting the message now OP about the kind of guy you're with, and I understand that even after a bombshell like this that you might still think you love him, but as other posters have touched on already, you really DO seem awfully dependent on this guy, to the point where you think you'll be homeless if you break up with him? And as for that 'business' you're runnning together? From your own OP -
    Liedaboutstdtest wrote: »
    I dont know how im supposed to trust him again, he is my best friend, we run a business together, we're meant to be moving in together, im unemployed and he is saving me from homelessness by putting me up rent free

    Part of me hates him......Part of me still loves him. Do I get rid


    I'd question the legitimacy of what you've gotten yourself into legally speaking from the point of view of claiming unemployment assistance and running a business with this guy.

    'Saving you from homelessness by putting you up rent free'?

    Leaving you with absolutely no tenants rights then. OP you're sadly mistaken if you think a guy who has possibly given you an STI has 'saved you' from anything, never mind the rest of the hell he may be putting you through that you're completely clueless about.

    OP if I were you I'd be getting as far away from that whole situation as possible tbh and start looking out for yourself, because you're paying a damn high price for this guy 'being your best friend'.


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    #20
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    I had to look up PUA...pick up artist? seriously?...did he actually describe himself in those terms? Not only is this guy a liar, he intentionally puts your healthy in jeopardy and is clearly a pretty sad bastard if he calls himself a PUA.


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    #21
    simonsays1
    Registered Users Posts: 221 ✭✭simonsays1


    PUA.....I had to look it up too!

    As re your bf, I'd say get rid...


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    #22
    jane82
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,590 ✭✭✭jane82


    Are you 100 per cent sure your old boyfriend didnt give you a dose of something and you passed it on to super sad pua man?
    You didnt get tested just the same as him. How do you know?
    If somebody told me they used to be a pua Id probably laugh my head off calling them a sad little person. This seemed to make you want to have unprotected sex with them. If you had no symptoms of this infection(alot of women dont) you could have passed it on too.
    So in future if you are going to judge somebody on what germs they have in their bits take yourself and himself to the clinic before sex.
    If you are going to be with a pleb that says things like I used to be a pua (27 years old not 12) get tested first.


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    #23
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yes I am certain I didn't pass anything on. I have only had one other sexual partner in my life, we lost our virginity to each other and i never slept with him without a condom, I hadnt even as much as kissed another person for over a year and a half when i met my current oh and symptoms only presented after i slept with him.

    im also not judging him on the "what germs they have in their bits" people have sex, they get stds, the issue here is that he lied to me about it and then possiblty past something on. I never said i had an std, i do not know that, i never said he had one either, my issue here is that someone i trust lied to me about a serious issue.

    No he never described himself as a PUA, other people (as I said we met through mutual friends) described him as such, when I asked him about this he admitted to using techniques from a book "the game" and online forums to pick up and sleep with women. I didnt have unprotected sex with him cause he was a PUA I had unprotected sex with him because he was a person who was what i thought a good friend who then became a boyfriend who I had fallen in love with.Yes I was naive for not realising someone would lie about an std test, especially someone who said they loved me and i do understand that but as i said in my original post i am new to sex and only had one other sexual partner and trusted and loved this person otherwise i would not be sleeping with them


    To the people telling me to go and get tested i obviously already have. And we're broken up for good. Thank you for the help


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    #24
    K_P
    Registered Users Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Oh OP, you poor thing, this is a horrible situation.

    It's very rare that I advise a poster to dump their OH, but I honestly don't think I could in good conscience adivse you to do anything but get rid of this guy.

    He has no respect for you and probably not for himself either. He's risked your health and your fertility to save himself from having an awkward conversation. He's had no respect for you, but please have some for yourself and ditch this scumbag.


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    #25
    Obliq
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,371 ✭✭✭Obliq


    Hope the STI doesn't take too long to recover from OP - wishing you all the best of health in the future. Also, I think you've been very strong and confident in dumping him. You have done yourself a big favour and possibly a lot of other women, if your stance on his behaviour gives him a big wake-up call. Hope you get your housing sorted out, and are more determined not to become dependent on a fella like that.


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    #26
    Karen8
    Registered Users Posts: 66 ✭✭Karen8


    Actually your ex doesnt seem like a bad person, he just seems to be stupid. He might be thinking what's the fuss with all these tests, I'm clean - the same way many smokers think cigarets cannot harm them, only others (despite all the information available practically everywhere). Your choice if you want to stsy with such a stupid and unresponsible partner.


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    #27
    jimd2
    Registered Users Posts: 789 ✭✭✭jimd2


    suicide_circus wrote: »
    I had to look up PUA...pick up artist? seriously?...did he actually describe himself in those terms? Not only is this guy a liar, he intentionally puts your healthy in jeopardy and is clearly a pretty sad bastard if he calls himself a PUA.

    Glad to see that I wasnt the only one that had to look that up!


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    #28
    bakergirl91
    Registered Users Posts: 63 ✭✭bakergirl91


    The fact that he lied to you, and aware you were unwell, is unsettling. He wouldnt even own up till you backed him into a corner really. As noted by several others, he put your health at risk, in an attempt to save himself. A very foolish thing to do indeed. Personally, i would not be able to stay with someone that lied like that, especially since i would wonder what else he has denied, lied about in the past.

    Firstly, get treatment and push them for every test under the sun for sti's. See yourself back to full health before you make a decision would be my advice.The best of luck :)


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    #29
    Lauzzy22
    Registered Users Posts: 26 ✭Lauzzy22


    <medical diagnosis removed by mod>


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    #30
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Lauzzy22 - you have been warned in the past for making silly posts that offer no advice. In this case you've made a completely uneducated medical diagnosis which is against the forum charter. Before posting again, please read the charter, as the next post like this brings an infraction.

    Regards,
    Mike


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    #31
    Paddy Cow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Liedaboutstdtest wrote: »
    He's begging me to take him back that he only lied cause he was scared id be upset about his player past.
    This is absolute nonsense and to be honest, I don't understand his logic :confused: He could've been with a thousand women before you but as long as he had an STD check and got the all clear, healthwise it wouldn't have made a difference. He could've been with only woman before you, not had an STD check and passed on something to you.

    You knew him before you started dating him and were aware of his past so he can't pull that card now. The fact is he lied to you. When asked, he outright said that he had been checked and was aware of the danger of STD's as a previous girlfriend had given him scabies. Even though scabies are not an STD (I got them after sharing a bed with my 7 yr old sister and I assure you, she was not sexually active) it still shows that he was aware that diseases can be passed through sexual contact.

    OP only you can know if you can trust him again. One thing you need to think about is that this time you have been "lucky". You have something which has shown symptoms early on. Suppose you got something like chlamydia, which shows no symptoms for up to 70% of women. You could've stayed with this guy for years, tried to have children, experienced difficulties and the first you knew you had it was when you went for fertility tests. The devastation then would be a lot more than it is now.

    I'm not normally one for Daily Mail type scaremongering but when it comes to your health and fertility, you really do have to be careful. You were responsible but your boyfriend was not. Despite being aware of the consequences he not only took risks with his health, he also took risks with yours and lied to your face about it for his own selfish reasons.

    There was no reason or excuse for him to lie about having an STD test. Being embarrassed to admit that he's had multiple partners but no test doesn't cut it. He should have gone for the test.

    One last thing and I feel bad for saying it but given your partner's immaturity, blase attitude to sex and penchant for lying, can you 100% trust him not to cheat? Even if he gets a test now and gets the all clear, can you be sure in the future that he won't stray and do so without a condom, putting you at risk again?


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