What's going on here?

LegacyUser · 10-04-2014 8:46pm #1

Hi all,

Just looking for some views and opinions on my situation. This may be long winded so apologies in advance!

Bit of background - boyfriend and I both in late 20's. Together two years.

I have a male friend who texts me now and again, we are friends, have been since before I got together with my boyfriend. Purely platonic on my end, but I and others suspect he has a little crush on me. Anyway, he knows I'm taken so it's all just friendly banter, we share a similar interest (equestrianism). Recently this friend got a job in the same place my boyfriend works. All the lads went out after work and somehow my boyfriend got my pals phone and found my text messages. He came home and gave me serious interrogation. He accused me of texting him flirtily and wanting to sleep with him. I was gobsmacked, I text this guy the same way I text my girlfriends. I'm guessing he just freaked when he actually saw our messages in the flesh, as it were. It totally knocked me for six. He has had insecure moments in our relationship before but he has never accused me of wanting to be with another man.

I begged him to see that it was all innocent and after talking things through we seemed to to be ok.

Roll on to the weekend. He was supposed to come round Fri night when I got a text that day saying that plans had changed and he would see me Saturday. I was tired so didn't mind and just went to bed happy. So, on Sat night he comes round, all ok, all very frisky! We have an awesome sex life, and it's been this good from day one right up til now. We usually can go three times in a session! However, after the first go, which was awesome, things changed. He said he was tired and that I had plenty of time to get ready and go out meet my friends if I wanted to. I told him to stop being silly and we started up being frisky again! This time no matter how hard he tried he just could not come. This has NEVER happened before. No matter how tired or stressed he was he has never had a problem finishing.

My mind has been racing since then. I'm thinking up all scenarios in my head. I'm wondering did he go out and sleep with someone on Fri night and that's why he couldn't really see it through Sat? Or was he just so angry and pissed off at seeing my texts to my friend that that may be what was bothering him? I'm so worried that he may have cheated to get me back, as it were. I've tried talking to him but he just says that I'm over analysing the whole thing. Of course I'm gonna analyse it, it's never happened before.

Help please guys, I'm going crazy

Tokyo · 10-04-2014 9:30pm

It's not exactly innocent though, is it? You know that this 'friend' has feelings for you, and yet you are still texting him back and forth in a somewhat flirty manner in your boyfriend's eyes at least. I'm not saying that you would ever do anything about it, but it certainly sounds like you are feeding off of the attention just a bit. Maybe you're right and maybe your boyfriend is just being insecure, but maybe you should take a step back for a minute and honestly reassess your friendship with this guy and see it from your boyfriend's perspective for a bit. It's quite possible that your "friendly banter" could be seen as more though someone else's eyes.

As for the events of the weekend, I really do think you are reading far too much into it. Just because he couldn't go at it three times in quick succession isn't a reason to believe that he cheated on you. He may have been tired, he may not have been in the mood, or far more likely is that he's still put out about events of the week and it's still weighing on his mind. Mind you, his insecurities to the point of going through your friend's phone, coupled with the fact that you would jump so easily to the conclusion that he slept with someone else to get back at you would indicate that you both have a lot more to talk about in your relationship than just the events of the past week.

Either way nobody here can tell you what he's thinking. To find that out you have to talk to him. He's not innocent in this either - you don't mention how he got his hands on your friend's phone to read your messages, but I'd imagine it was in an underhand way and it stinks of insecurity. But if you don't discuss your relationship honestly and openly and come to some sort of agreement, it's going to make both of you miserable.

retro:electro · 10-04-2014 11:14pm

If you know he likes you then why are you texting him the same as your girl friends? (I presume with kisses and stuff) I would be outraged if my boyfriend was texting a girl who he knew liked him, regardless of knowing her before me or not. Sounds to me like you knew exactly what you were doing, and you got caught.

P. Breathnach · 10-04-2014 11:29pm

Rio1988 wrote: »

... somehow my boyfriend got my pals phone and found my text messages...(

Really? How? People don't generally trawl through workmates' phones uninvited, particularly new workmates' phones. To me, the likeliest explanation is that your friend showed him your messages.

And why might he do that? One possibility is that he wished to destabilise your relationship, perhaps to make an opportunity for himself.

Even if my guesses are wrong, you should quit texting this friend. It's inappropriate to play flirty games with somebody who might want to take things more seriously. It's disrespectful to your boyfriend to have a flirtation with somebody who is now one of his workmates.

username123 · 11-04-2014 9:35am

Ugh, Id hate this kind of drama in a relationship.

You are basically pr1ck teasing someone who fancies you for a bit of attention with no intention of follow through and your bf caught you out doing it.

If youre going to behave like that then it shouldnt be a surprise if it causes a problem with your other half if they find out.

Solution - dont mess with people, leading a guy on who you are not intending to be with is not nice. Engaging in flirty texting with one guy while dating another is not nice.

Youre bringing the drama on yourself. You should learn appropriate behaviour.

BraziliaNZ · 11-04-2014 10:23am

I find it hard to imagine how he would have got a hold of this guy's phone? Maybe he had his suspicions so just said he read the messages, but hasn't at all?
Anyway yeah, it probably does his head in, this guy sniffing around you the whole time, I know it would wreck my head anyway if my partner was hanging out with a guy who is into her. You need to set the record straight with this guy, and stop with the "friendly banter" etc and figure out why exactly why he's in your life? What do you gain from it? Attention? Do you get a kick out of him fancying you? If that's the case you need to grow up and sort it out!

LegacyUser · 11-04-2014 9:13pm

Thanks everyone for replying!

Just to clarify - I never said I flirt with this guy. I don't. Why on earth would I want to encourge a lad who likes me when I have the most amazing relationship I have ever had in my life? I would never do anything to jeopardise that.
I chat to this guy coz we are in the same circle when it comes to our work/hobby. My boyfriend has no interest in equestrian sport and it's cool to have someone to thrash things out with, I text girls too!

I have obviously been rediculously naive if it didn't hit me that I may be doing something wrong.

I am actually far more worried about what happened in the bedroom, but I guess that doesn't seem to be the main problem to those of you reading! I'd be absolutely heartbroken if this silly misunderstanding eneded my wonderful rrelationship. My boyfriend isn't exactly willing to engage with me right now, says he needs time to cool down. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or not but I just want to fix this. Should I just leave him time to cool off or should I demand we sort this? I don't want to annoy him

Tokyo · 11-04-2014 9:27pm

Rio1988 wrote: »

Should I just leave him time to cool off or should I demand we sort this? I don't want to annoy him

How exactly do you think "demanding" that you guys sort this is going to work out? You can't force him to listen to you or to talk to you - that has to happen when you're both ready for it. For now the man has asked you for breathing space to let things cool down, I suggest you respect his choice for now.

retro:electro · 11-04-2014 9:59pm

"I am actually far more worried about what happened in the bedroom, "

Really??? I know all your concerned about is your bedroom activity but do spare a thought for your boyfriend who obviously saw something in those messages that he didn't like.

TheShockmaster · 11-04-2014 10:40pm

sunflower27 wrote: »

Your boyfriend sounds somewhat unhinged. Getting the guy's phone and then going through it to read messages you sent him!!! Like that is normal behaviour.

You have every right to have a male friend - you knew the friend before your bf!!

If he cheated to get you back for messaging a male friend, then he is a scumbag and you would be well shot of him.

This sort of insecure behaviour from him is worrying. I would monitor it as if he has form for being insecure in the past and now this.... it isn't really looking good is it?

This is really unfair on the guy, he has every right to be pissed off. I think he had probable cause to look through his phone because he knew his girlfirend was texting him. Fair enough he was underhanded but the means justify the end.

Secondly the male friend is just a guy waiting in line for a shot at the girl, that isn't a real friend, that is a single guy with patience.

Finally there's no suggestion he cheated. I would guess his heart wasn't in it and he had a lot on his mind.

Ave Sodalis · 12-04-2014 8:10am

If I'm bring honest, this thread has left me quite worried about my own bf and male friends, nevermind the OPs... I have more male friends than female and yes, some of them have had a thing for me. Some of them may continue to do so but I am not going to stop having a bit of craic with them, just because I have a boyfriend now, when I was friends with them before my bf came along. Nothing happened before going out with my bf, nothing is definitely going to happen now after. As the OP said, she is not flirting with the guy, she's having friendly banter, which you would expect between friends. It's entirely unfair to accuse her of liking the attention. Maybe she's not even getting extra attention from the guy. People can put caps on their emotions when they have a crush on someone in a relationship, it doesn't mean he is fussing over her...
OP, with regard to the bedroom issue, I wouldn't over think it too much. Let your boyfriend cool off a bit before talking to him about it. Lay your worries and side of the story on the table, and invite him to tell you where the issues are coming from and what exactly he seen that he didn't like, before reminding him that you are still only friends with the guy and that you have no intention or want to go anywhere near him in a more than friendly manner. Assuming nothing has or is going to happen between you and this guy and that the messages were just banter between friends, then the insecurities lie with your boyfriend and though you can help him through them, they are essentially his to overcome.

missjm · 12-04-2014 11:16am

How did he 'happen to get the phone' and read the messages??! Seriously! I've had friends leave phones on table next to me and I haven't happened to pick them up and read their messages. I don't believe anybody would just happen to. Is it possible your so called friend showed him the messages deliberately and your boyfriend is aware of this taunting?
Somebody doesn't add up.

As for the bedroom - you'll have to wait until your boyfriend isn't upset with you anymore.

such is life 2 · 14-04-2014 8:08pm

did you ever mention it to your bf that you were texting this man back?

osarusan · 15-04-2014 3:16am

Rio1988 wrote: »

I would never do anything to jeopardise that.

I would say that you are doing something to jeopardise that.

As mentioned by other posters, you keep texting a guy who you know has a crush on you. You must be as naive as you say not to think this could be interpreted the wrong way, by either/both they guy and your boyfriend. The argument that you text girls in the same way isn't something that will cut it for a lot of guys.

Also, I don't think him not being able to perform as usual is necessarily the result of him sleeping with somebody else to get back at you. It's not the first conclusion most people would jump to.

I think you should find out from your OH how he actually got to see those messages from your friend's phone, and try to understand that he feels that kind of contact between his GF and another guy isn't something he's comfortable with.

LegacyUser · 18-04-2014 5:52pm

Hey guys,

I'm back again, and sorry for dragging this up again!

So, it's been over a week now since this happened and He still refuses to engage with me. Despite me trying to get in contact and telling him we need to discuss this like aduls he constantly ignores my messages. And, no, I have not bombarded him with calls and text. I have just sent two messages since this happened.

I am at my wits end, totally heartbroken. I am actually physically sick from the whole thing. I just need to talk to him and explain everything. I did not cheat on him, I did not betray him. All I am guilty of is talking to another guy, a male friend and yes I take responsibility for that.

Do any of you think his reaction is totally over the top? To not even want to talk to me?

My friends say he is making me sweat and he just wants to hurt me. I actually think he has dumped me in the most cowardly way possible.

Help me, what do I do next?

chuckster · 18-04-2014 10:12pm

Maybe he doesn't think you are serious about sorting it out if you have only texted him twice.

I agree with a previous poster who said he seems insecure ... and also a bit dramatic. Also if a work colleague went thru my phone on a night out I would plant thrm.

If the friendship with that guy is platonic like u say then I would tell ur boyfriend that you arent going to throw away friendships based on gender just because of his insecurities. If u give in to that god knows what he will demand frm you next.

Ignore his immature behaviour and try to enjoy yourself this weekend and take your mind off him.

P. Breathnach · 18-04-2014 11:57pm

OP, one thing that can happen here is that posters might be helped to see things that they had failed to take into account. The risk that goes with that is that they might be presented with analyses or speculations that miss the mark entirely.

I still find it hard to believe that your boyfriend simply picked up your friend's phone and went through his messages. You should get the truth out of your friend about what happened. The truth might be that your friend set out (for fun or for malicious reasons) to undermine your boyfriend's trust in you.

I don't go along with your speculation that he engaged in some revenge sex. I think that you have dropped that idea.

I'm not persuaded that your friends are right about his wanting to make you sweat (but they know him, so I can't entirely dismiss the idea).

I see the possibility that he is deeply hurt - and I also see the possibility that you are so concerned about what is happening to you that you might not be seeing what it is like for him.

Time Now Please · 19-04-2014 12:55am

Look at it from his side, like what was said earlier if he was exchanging flirty txt messages with a girl that he knew fancied him you would be pissed off too, his inability to cum could be down to the stress and anxiety of finding out this other guy was sending you txt messages, Might be a good idea to cool it a bit with guy number 2 and concentrate on guy number 1.

username123 · 19-04-2014 9:12am

sunflower27 wrote: »

'This man' was a friend before the bf even came on the scene.

I don't think that matters actually, whether it be a new male friend or an old one. The point at issue is the nature of the communications. I have male friends who might text me, but it's not flirty texting. That would be disrespectful to my husband. And certainly if I thought a male friend was interested in me, I'd know that "banter" via text could easily be misconstrued by him so I wouldn't do it. It's not nice to lead someone on.

Obviously it's very difficult to say if the texts were bad or not without seeing them, and also it's very easy to read text messages out of context as tone can be missed, but clearly the OPs bf saw something he didn't like.

I think his behaviour now suggests he has dumped OP, and even if he hasn't, people who engage in the silent treatment have their own issues and might be better for OP that she finds out now and breaks up rather than suffer the frustration of trying to placate this type of individual.

username123 · 19-04-2014 10:53am

sunflower27 wrote: »

She didn't lead him on. She was clear about that in a previous post.

Impossible to say objectively one way or the other without seeing the messages but in the OPs own words, if she knows the guy has a crush on her and she has bantering/flirty text messages with him then whether she likes it or not, it could be construed as leading him on.

What's going on here?

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