Why is he not being honest?

LegacyUser · 24-03-2008 11:26pm #1

Got into a fight about the fact that BF chats up with horny girls on the web and searches for porn. I could proof it all, I found myself stupid looking in his mail but I confessed and he apologised for the porn watching and emails to girls. I asked him if there is anything I can do to satisfy him..he told me he is very happy with our relationship and he promised never to look at porn again ;-) I don't mind the porn watching, I don't appreciate lies about it and the chatting with girls freak me out!

Anyway, this all happened months ago and since this day he leaves his pc on and mail open and his phone everywhere..to give me the impression that he is not hiding anything or not honest...and I feel stupid now, because if his pc was on I would have a look in the history in the browser...and guess what .. he always deletes his history and his spambox is always full with porn spam.

I want an open and honest relation ship and BF says he wants the same. I just don't understand why he would like to give me the impression of being completely honest but in fact he is hiding stuff. Why would he do this?
Today I felt like leaving him, I deserve better. But I love my BF.. I just don't know what to do. Talk to him again? give up?

funk-you · 25-03-2008 12:32am

1. It's only porn, if you think he's cheating on you, then you have a problem but remember that porn is just porn.

2. The relationship isn't going to last anyway because you can't help yourself looking through his PRIVATE stuff. If i was your BF i would have dumped you straight off if you went near my email.

You've got to ask yourself why you feel the need to go through his stuff. If the relationship is to last you've either got to accept him for who he is (a normal guy who looks at porn) or save yourself a lot of time and heartache and find yourself a guy who doesn't.

-Funk

colly10 · 25-03-2008 12:49am

If all he's doing is watching a bit of porn I wouldn't see it as any major issue tbh. If you really wanted to catch him then installing a keylogger on the machine, but then again that would be really obsessive.
If the fact that he watches porn really bothers you then dump him, otherwise your better off forgetting about it

madbev90210 · 25-03-2008 12:59am

I agree that porn is porn and dont care that my bf watches it. could you watch it with him?

Funk-you, I dont see what the big deal is with checking his so called private stuff. Sometimes men conveniently forget to tell their girlfriends things that would matter to them and so if I want to know for example who my bf is with on a night out I have to look at his phone. OP, if he doesnt actually know any of these girls, dont worry about a thing. Porn is fantasy and nothing to feel threatened by if he's with you. If he was flirting with girls he knew personally, then worry. Until then try and chillax

colly10 · 25-03-2008 1:16am

madbev90210 wrote: »

could you watch it with him?

That would be worth a shot, see what he thinks of the idea anyway. What he watches could be alot heavier than he would want to bring into the relationship though so he may not want to.

madbev90210 wrote: »

Funk-you, I dont see what the big deal is with checking his so called private stuff. Sometimes men conveniently forget to tell their girlfriends things that would matter to them and so if I want to know for example who my bf is with on a night out I have to look at his phone.

I think its all fair enough if you believe he's cheating on you but if not, going through everything to find out what he's at is ott imo. Id be surprised if most lads wouldn't feel the same.

funk-you · 25-03-2008 1:52am

madbev90210 wrote: »

I agree that porn is porn and dont care that my bf watches it. could you watch it with him? Funk-you, I dont see what the big deal is with checking his so called private stuff. Sometimes men conveniently forget to tell their girlfriends things that would matter to them and so if I want to know for example who my bf is with on a night out I have to look at his phone. OP, if he doesnt actually know any of these girls, dont worry about a thing. Porn is fantasy and nothing to feel threatened by if he's with you. If he was flirting with girls he knew personally, then worry. Until then try and chillax

I think you have major trust issues. Would you open his mail? Why would you need to know who he's with if you TRUST that he's not cheating. You don't own him, you allow eachother to share your lives based on trust and love. The mind boggles sometimes. I won't get into a bunny boiler rant for my own sanity. Anyway this is off topic.

OP: accept him, talk it out and TRUST him. Otherwise move on.

-Funk

snellers · 25-03-2008 1:58am

Interesting to see what you might say if the BF wanted to inspect your phone after evenings out and check your pc with a keylogger......etc etc

chill out!!!!

guys dont tell women they look at porn (as a general rule) simply because they get embarrassed!... - as someone suggested why not try and share the interest :-)

as for e-mailing various 'horny women' ....are you sure it's not just spam on his e-mail? if he is e-mailing various unknown women then that is wrong....and if he respects you should stop.

dont snoop and try to get him to open up more....mistrust will eventually lead to unhappiness......and a lot of wasted time reaching that point.

IanCurtis · 25-03-2008 2:12am

madbev90210 wrote: »

if I want to know for example who my bf is with on a night out I have to look at his phone.

That's the maddest thing I've ever heard. In my opinion you have a terrible mistrusting relationship with your boyfriend.

The fact you can't see that, or (worse) think it's ok, makes it all the more shocking.

Ickle Magoo · 25-03-2008 2:12am

What made you check his mail? You obviously had doubts about something or it wouldn't have occurred to you to go snooping.

If it's not impacting on your relationship then I wouldn't worry about it. I'm not sure why you are deliberately going looking for things to get paranoid over. You need to work on why you don't trust him & why you feel so threatened.

Talk to him about how paranoid you now feel, rather than checking his mail & ask for open & honest dialogue. It's all very well for us to tell you that porn doesn't mean cheating & to believe him when he said the e-mails would stop but you obviously don't feel that is the case or you wouldn't be so hurt & worried now to the point you are still checking his mail.

allybhoy · 25-03-2008 2:48am

Hmm.... I was kinda in a relationship like this b4, Ex used to check my phone/email all the time, Needless to say it didnt last. My personal opinion is dont go looking for what you dont want to find, You either trust him or you dont. If you dont, then finish it and move on, Its that simple. I can understand you being upset about seeing him chatting to girls online etc, but if he says he's finished it then you have no option but to believe him.

madbev90210 wrote: »

so if I want to know for example who my bf is with on a night out I have to look at his phone.

Madbev you sound like a complete psycho to be honest. What right have you got to go searching through your fella's phone?? None. I have a mate who has a bird like you and man it just makes him more determined to cheat on her. He has a secret simcard, (which he calls the batfone) and a secret bebo and all. Not that i agree with him but his point of view is that "well no matter what i do she still thinks im cheating on her, so i might aswell" Personally I hope your fella is the same you deranged, insecure wagon

all the stars · 25-03-2008 10:01am

yup... my fone is mine.. other halves fonr is also mine (as he broke his is using my spare) and i still wouldn't check thru his stuff.. God, i mean he has a life of his own.. so do i.

Hate people snooping, no need for it. If he needs to know something, i tell him & vice versa. Checking thru his stuff is always a bad idea. Always will be.

madbev90210 · 25-03-2008 10:07am

Im sorry for going off topic here OP, but I just want to reply to the narrow minded comments left about me. I am in no way a bunny boiler, a psycho (though I am a bit mad sometimes, hence the name), deranged or a wagon so how dare you insult me as so? :mad: Insecure? Yes, but arent alot of girls. Before I had OUR baby, I went out regularly, got drunk, spent lazy days in bed etc but while my life has completely changed and my life is now my beautiful son, my bf went away to train for a certain career, and my problem is now all the girls he met down there which he now texts and socialises with. Im quite aware of the fact I dont own him thank you and have told him how insecure I am and although he thinks I am mad, he actually finds my insecurities somewhat endearing. None of my looking at his 'private' things is done with any psycho-obsessive tendencies, but rather to find out how close he may be getting to these girls. My reason? I dont believe that men and women can just be friends (personal experience). He is completely trustworthy and I dont worry about him cheating, but I worry that these fun-loving girls will make me look like an old fuddy duddy.
and tbh, I know quite a few girls who are alot worse than me in what they expect from their boyfriends. And anyway, we made a life together, we have alot of fun, he is my best friend and I do everything I can to make him happy, including encouraging him to go out and enjoy himself, so I dont believe we should have anything private. I certainly dont hide anything from him?!
So as for your, cruel and offensive comments on me, they are completely untrue and have actually upset me. So I apologise to all mankind that I cant be perfect in ALL aspects of my relationship.

OP, sorry again about going off topic and be sure to let us know how your getting on. Take care

Zulu · 25-03-2008 10:27am

madbev90210 wrote: »

Funk-you, I dont see what the big deal is with checking his so called private stuff.

Well the problem is that you a) don't respect his privacy, and b) don't see any problem with invading his privacy.

Sometimes men conveniently forget to...

...and sometimes women have zero respect for their men!

madbev90210 wrote: »

None of my looking at his 'private' things is done with any psycho-obsessive tendencies, but rather to find out how close he may be getting to these girls.

Couldn't you just ask him though? ...or trust him??

He is completely trustworthy and I dont worry about him cheating,

...hang on a minute - then why do you invade his privacy?

but I worry that these fun-loving girls will make me look like an old fuddy duddy.

well they will when he explains you persistently invade his privacy.
Look, I'm not trying to have a go at you, but your post was flippant and dismissive of his personal privacy, and I believe that will lead you into trouble, unless you have the most loving, forgiving and submissive partner.

madbev90210 · 25-03-2008 11:17am

Zulu, you may be trying not to have a go at me but you are. This is obviously a super-sensitive subject among alot of ye, but its not a big deal in my relationship. I do ask him about these new female friends but he doesnt tell me as he doesnt want to upset me but I want to know.
Im not being flippant with regards to his privacy because,I just fail to see how something that bothers me so much could be private. As I said, I dont keep anything from him because I believe in total openess in a relationship.
I look at his things, not because I fear hes cheating, but as I already said, to see if he is becoming good friends with any of these girls because, yes, I feel threatened and I am trying to understand that they are just friends. The only way I can do this at the moment is to look at his texts to reassure myself that the texts are friendly. Whats the problem with looking at them if he has nothing to hide? Everyone is blabbing on about privacy but my life with him IS my privacy from everyone else, if that makes sense? Look, none of you know me, and so how your comments towards me can be so negative is beyond me. I clearly have this boards thing all wrong as I thought it wasnt allowed to call names and funk-you, bigging up allybhoy for insulting me is IMO really low. Im a nice, kind person who has been through alot and came on here to offer advice and perhaps make friends. Not that you care but I wont be bothering anymore. So thanks for making me feel 100 times worse, just because Im insecure.
Adios

Zulu · 25-03-2008 11:28am

Fair enough madbev, I can understand how my post would be taken as an attack on your relationship (as it was I suppose). I apologise for that. And I apologise for upsetting or belittling you. I personally don't appricate people invading my privacy, so I guess I'm projecting that onto you. And for that I also apologise.

On another note, if you feel any of the posts above we're out of line, or personally abusive, you can report them. To do this, click on the little red triangle to the left of the post under the authors name. They won't know you've done this, so don't be afraid to. It'll notify the mods who by and large tend to be fair and impartial.

Boards is a welcoming and friendly community where you will find friends, but occasionally, saying the wrong thing can spark a lot of perceived negative feedback. Please don't let that put you off (no body else dose

).

Marksie · 25-03-2008 11:34am

allybhoy: Attack the post not the poster. Any more comments of that nature and you will be banned.

madbev90210: You ahve highlighted youur problem: insecurity. Your posts are indicating that in fact you do not trust your byfriend and looking throuh his phone is exemplary proof of this.
What you are in fact doing when you say.. that you belive in total openness .. you are actually using it to justify invading his provacy, becuase you dot trust him and are insecure. It is therefore an excuse you are giving yourself.

As for posting on internet forums..this is a classic case of someone looking for one point of view, that which reaffirms theirs and no other.
Your reaction to adverse views, therefore, is a more sound indicator of what is actually making you tick.

But this is not your thread..it is the OP.
But if they read what is being said it is entirely relevant.

Zulu's post was direct and how one should approach questioning posts like yours. In the end your simple reaction to it is the key indicator in my mind that you are inescure and sensitive. Not all is happy in teh camp as it were

So your overreacction and walking away are real pointers to the fact that you really dont want to face the fact that what you are doing is not right. Again loking for an excuse not to read things you dont want to see.

I have as you can see in the first part of the post warned allbhoy. I didnt get notification about this in the reported posts yet.,
But if you feel that it was a direct personal abuse then pleqse report (thiough you may have already.)

missingyou · 25-03-2008 11:47am

My boyfriend also use to be really insecure about our relationship and I dont blame him because I did do a lot that would of hurt him at the beginning of our relatioship! He use to look at my texts and emails and go on my msn, it kind of angered me at the time but we are past that now and stronger than ever! I think if you can get past this, it will only strengthen your relationhip. You need to talk to your boyfriend big time! Tell him abour your insecurities, I honestly think this is more your problem than his! I may not be right but i think it as to do with the fact that you have give up your social life when having a baby and he has not... this has left you insecure! Why not have him babysit while you go out with your girlfriends and have some you time! Everyone needs it... or even organise a babysitter and both of you go out together...

He was just looking at porn, I know it may feel that he does not find you sexually satisfying but that is not true! Im sorry for generlaising, but most guys i know and even in a relationship would look at porn. You need to restore your confidence in your physical appearance (why not get a new haricut? or wardrobe?) and need to get your social life back in order!You could also start going to college and learn something you want to!

Just make sure you look after you for a while

....

.... and stop reading his private messages!!

Mr. Incognito · 25-03-2008 12:13pm

If you go looking for trouble you will find it.

No-one is perfect, just leave his private stuff, well, private.

Balmed Out · 25-03-2008 12:20pm

you being way over the top. Talk to him about it but beware he may think your a little bit psycho.
had a gf who always went through my texts but i dont think it was out of suspicion just her being a nosy gossip. shed be checking that id told her any news going on with any of my friends.

funk-you · 25-03-2008 1:48pm

madbev90210 wrote: »

. I clearly have this boards thing all wrong as I thought it wasnt allowed to call names and funk-you, bigging up allybhoy for insulting me is IMO really low.

I thanked him for the first half of his post directed at the OP not you. I have PM'd you apologising for any offence.

OT: OP this was good advice.

-Funk

Aseth · 25-03-2008 1:57pm

Guys look at porn and find it ok and I wouldn't mind my bf to do it. But I wouldn't be happy to find out he is chatting to girls or sending/receiving emails about sex.

You should talk to him, tell him it's something you are unhappy with. If you can't cope with it, you feel like he's cheating on you - you better leave him.
Else you'll just go crazy thinking what is he doing while you're not there. And also wondering if he is lying to you.
Relationship is about trust so if you find it impossible to trust him - end it.

Why is he not being honest?

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