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I've developed feelings for a lesbian woman - don't know what to say?!

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  • 21-04-2014 3:49am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm nearly forty years old and have spent my entire adulthood as a heterosexual woman. I've never had a sexual feeling towards a woman cross my mind up till now. But oh God, here goes: I met a lesbian woman about a year or so back through work and thought nothing of it at the time. We just kept in touch as work required us to do as she bounced around the globe and so did I. We need to skype call a couple of times a week and just in the last few weeks something has changed in me. I haven't the first idea why but what I do know is that I keep thinking about her in romantic and sexual terms. This has been going on for weeks and my feelings are intensifying every day. I really, really REALLY want to be intimate with this woman. And she hasn't a clue. Not a clue. And why would she? I'm straight as far as she's concerned (not surprising, since I was straight as far as I was concerned, lol) but now I don't know what to do.

    We're both single so there's nothing stopping us, except that I haven't the first idea how to tell a woman that I am attracted to that I am attracted to her. And even if I could she lives on the other side of the earth and will for at least the next year. Work will mean we'll see each other at least a few times in the next twelve months in this city or that. But oh God, I just don't know what to do with my own feelings. I never thought about sleeping with a woman in my life, and now I can think of little else. It's funny because you could put any other woman in the world in front of me and I'd have zero interest, but THIS woman I'd walk over broken glass to get next to. I also wonder, of course, if she'd have any attraction to me. Oh God, I'd hate to make a fool of myself!

    I'm really confused about the way these feelings have developed over numerous skype calls also. How can you all of a sudden really really want somebody who's so rarely been in the same room? Is it even normal to develop feelings for someone via skype??

    We have a skype call lined up for sometime in the next two days. What do I say?? What do I do??? Help!!


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    #2
    Medusa22
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,400 ✭✭✭Medusa22


    Hi there,

    I haven't been in the same situation as you but I can understand that you must be very confused. I think that sexuality is fluid and also that sometimes you can just fall for a person, regardless of their sexuality. My partner was 28 when we met and she'd never had any sexual thoughts or feelings for another woman, and she still isn't interested in any other women (just me, makes me feel lucky!).

    We have been together for three years and are having a civil ceremony in July. She just simply says that she knows that I am the right person for her, even though she never felt attraction to other women and she still doesn't feel attraction to other women. We also met online and developed strong feelings for each other before we ever even met, so it is possible.

    I think your best bet is to try to find out how this woman feels, as long as it won't be awkward work-wise if she doesn't reciprocate but I think you need to know either way because this seems to be driving you mad. See if she feels the same way as you and if she does, brilliant! Enjoy seeing where things go when you next have a meeting in the same city, if you are open to that.


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    #3
    Ambersky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,220 ✭✭✭Ambersky


    dontknowwhattosay your post sounds like something you would read in a romantic novel. Enjoy it I would say. Many of us long for that passion but as you know it isnt always comfortable with a churning stomach, uncertainty, the possibility of rejection and questioning your own sanity. Love is a form of maddness and I dont think anyone really knows why it hits us sometimes and not others, or even where it goes when it leaves us at times. The thing you are left with is what to do about it and to a certain extent thats a choice for you to make. Your the one who knows she is lesbian its harder to approach the subject with a woman you believe to be straight. Id say go on and Tell Her, it may come out all uncomfortable or stuttery or shy or just plain wrong but thats also part of the charm and Im sure she will recognise that. Maybe she would be interested, maybe she knows or maybe she doesn't but unless she says something you are going to need to, even if its just to put an end to those feelings that are taking you over at the moment. Maybe thats what those feelings are for to compel you to do something about them and get out of your head, outside of your comfort zone, outside of what you can control and into the magic.
    I also think it refreshing that your post isnt all about what it says about you and your sexuality, so far you seem to be focused on her and how you feel about her. Sort that one out and you can figure the rest out later.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you both so much for your responses. Yes I can see how it sounded like these feelings were driving me mad, lol, I had a couple of glasses of wine in me and just had to let it all out. I also rang my best friend the other night and told her how I've been feeling. I asked her what she thought about it and she just said "You just go and take your happiness wherever you can find it and make no apologies to anyone". She is the only person I could possibly discuss this with. It was a lovely comforting response.

    To be honest I'm not nearly as bothered by the idea that my heterosexuality has flown straight out the window (good bloody luck to it - never had much luck with men anyway) than I am by the idea that I've fallen for someone over skype. How the hell does that happen?! That's the strangest part of all this for me to be honest.

    So I had the skype call last night and no, I didn't have the nerve to say anything, but I did turn the conversation around to personal non work-related things and we ended up having a really nice conversation for over an hour. She is very sweet, apart from everything else. I think I could really try to make something work with this girl. I just wish she wasn't on the other side of the earth, :(

    There's also the thing that I haven't a clue if she'd be attracted to me at all. Could you imagine the next skype call if she wasn't?! I'd have to let on the webcam was broken. Lol, Jesus. I'd have made a show of myself! How would I be expected to look her in the face?!!


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    #5
    lyinghere
    Registered Users Posts: 132 ✭✭lyinghere


    If I found myself in a situation like that I would probably go for a more indirect approach of asking her does she socialise in gay bars often and expressing and interest in joining if she does.

    You might be able to gauge interest from her reaction and it might open up a whole new world. It might be the ice breaker on the topic.


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    #6
    Ambersky
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,220 ✭✭✭Ambersky


    Even if she isnt attracted to you she is unlikely to have as surprised a reaction to any expression of interest from another woman as someone who is presenting as straight. In other words its hardly her first time and sometimes you are interested in someone who is interested in you and sometimes you are not but its not that big a deal. Its probably a bigger deal in the head of the person who declares some interest however tentatively but from the point of view of the person approached its actually very complimentary.
    Beginning with personal conversation sounds like a good way to go and you say she continued to talk with you (and apparently enjoy herself) for over an hour.
    That sounds like a nice start.


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    #7
    Roquentin
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,130 ✭✭✭Roquentin


    Sounds like an erotic novel!!

    Id say you would be better doing these things face to face.

    I would say though, that because you work with her, it would have to be a long term thing. This isnt a one night fling. Think about that. There is a lot at stake because you work with her even though she is probably in dubai or something.

    If you have a good job, i wouldnt be playing those cards. What happens if it backfires?

    I may be cautious, but id think of what you have now. Very often in life, what we want to happen and what actually happen may be two different things.


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    #8
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you both. These are real considerations I know. It's just that, when you feel like this, real considerations go out the window!

    It's been a couple of weeks since I first posted and I feel just the same way, and she still hasn't got a clue! And I still don't know how to tell her, or even if I should. My head, in short, is still melted!

    Silly little things are beginning to bother me. Like when I send a message on facebook and the 'seen at such a time' line shows up, but if she hasn't answered me back I realise that this is a very one-sided thing, and if she was thinking about me the way I'm thinking about her, she'd have answered. She always does eventually, and usually sooner rather than later, but... anyway.

    Sorry, I know this sounds like teen-aged stuff, but it's just the way I feel! :/


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