In the closet - relationship losing spark?

LegacyUser · 27-08-2015 8:06pm #1

Hey guys. Hope you can help me with a worry I have.

I've been with my boyfriend for close to 6 months now, but I think we've hit a wall. Both of us are kind of in the closet, and I think it's having a negative impact on our relationship. By "kind of in the closet" I mean only our friends know we're gay.

We're not public at all about our relationship, we would never kiss, hold hands or show any signs of affection in public. I think mostly because we don't want to be stared at and be seen as some sort of spectacle (I know this with changing society this is becoming less of an issue). We're not worried about being attacked/verbally abused thankfully!

Our housemates don't know we're gay either so calling over to each others apartment to cuddle up on the couch or even for a bit of "fun" in the bedroom is a no go. Again, I think this is down to the feeling of awkwardness.

Even if we want to make out it gets really difficult. It's very hard to find privacy without going down some dark and dingy ally, which is not what anyone wants. I don't know if it's because we're gay, or we're just not good at public displays of affection. Either way, it's not a good situation and we're growing apart as a result.

Has anyone else been in this position? Is there any way of making this work, or what steps do you think we can take to get over our fears?

Thank you.

rochey84 · 28-08-2015 3:08pm

bananana wrote: »

Hey guys. Hope you can help me with a worry I have.

I've been with my boyfriend for close to 6 months now, but I think we've hit a wall. Both of us are kind of in the closet, and I think it's having a negative impact on our relationship. By "kind of in the closet" I mean only our friends know we're gay.

We're not public at all about our relationship, we would never kiss, hold hands or show any signs of affection in public. I think mostly because we don't want to be stared at and be seen as some sort of spectacle (I know this with changing society this is becoming less of an issue). We're not worried about being attacked/verbally abused thankfully!

Our housemates don't know we're gay either so calling over to each others apartment to cuddle up on the couch or even for a bit of "fun" in the bedroom is a no go. Again, I think this is down to the feeling of awkwardness.

Even if we want to make out it gets really difficult. It's very hard to find privacy without going down some dark and dingy ally, which is not what anyone wants. I don't know if it's because we're gay, or we're just not good at public displays of affection. Either way, it's not a good situation and we're growing apart as a result.

Has anyone else been in this position? Is there any way of making this work, or what steps do you think we can take to get over our fears?

Thank you.

Hey I don't mean to over simplify this but why don't you both just come out to your housemates? You've nothing to lose and everything to gain, I assume you both pay rent to have a room to yourself so no one has a right to have a problem with who you occaisionally share that room with.

You don't even have to make a big deal out of it, just have him stay over one night and if/when your housemates ask why he stayed over reply with "do I ask you why you're gf/bf stayed over? lol" it's less daunting that way as you're just making it part of the conversation rather than a big dramatic declaration!

Just my 2cents and hope you work it out!

mattP · 28-08-2015 3:47pm

Me and my boyfriend are in the closet too, only out to our families....and on top of that we live in different counties._. Haha, so even spending any time together is hard
I think just tell your room mates. That's what I'd do. "Me and ___________ have been going out for the last few months, would ye be comfortable with him being around more often?" I think you put them in an awkward position if he stays the night first without telling them that ye're going out, so its best just to say it and get it out there.
Best of luck!B)

rochey84 · 28-08-2015 4:20pm

mattP wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend are in the closet too, only out to our families....and on top of that we live in different counties._. Haha, so even spending any time together is hard
I think just tell your room mates. That's what I'd do. "Me and ___________ have been going out for the last few months, would ye be comfortable with him being around more often?" I think you put them in an awkward position if he stays the night first without telling them that ye're going out, so its best just to say it and get it out there.
Best of luck!B)

Hey mattP the reason I said just have him spend the night is simply because we live in 2015 and unless they have all asked "permission" or if the other housemates are "comfortable" then the OP shouldn't either, I think that by asking permission you are basically saying, "I give you permission to dictate to me what I can do in my room that I pay for fair and square" and you implant the option to be uncomfortable. Whereas if it happens and they feel uncomfortable and they express the discomfort then the OP can help them explore why they feel uncomfortable and hopefully help them realise that it's no different than one of them having a partner spend the night.

mattP · 28-08-2015 6:04pm

rochey84 wrote:

Hey mattP the reason I said just have him spend the night is simply because we live in 2015 and unless they have all asked "permission" or if the other housemates are "comfortable" then the OP shouldn't either, I think that by asking permission you are basically saying, "I give you permission to dictate to me what I can do in my room that I pay for fair and square" and you implant the option to be uncomfortable. Whereas if it happens and they feel uncomfortable and they express the discomfort then the OP can help them explore why they feel uncomfortable and hopefully help them realise that it's no different than one of them having a partner spend the night.

I inteded for it to sound more like a disclosure or statement than a real question, but I do get what you're saying. Especially since they think he's straight though I think its only courteous to give them a heads up, rather than having the room mates walking in on them cuddling and then facing that awkward situation, where in the heat and rush of things they might say some unkind stuff...

rochey84 · 28-08-2015 6:24pm

I'd still be inclined to disagree with you man. I understand that you're going through something personal yourself at the moment but I'm assuming that we are dealing with peers rather than parents in this situation and if they did have a problem I'd wanna know up front so I could move out if needs be!

Thetruth7 · 30-08-2015 4:59am

Book hotel room for a night

Ten of Swords · 30-08-2015 4:03pm

rochey84 wrote: »

Hey I don't mean to over simplify this but why don't you both just come out to your housemates? You've nothing to lose and everything to gain, I assume you both pay rent to have a room to yourself so no one has a right to have a problem with who you occaisionally share that room with.

Op I have to say I agree with the above post. If your friends know and your housemates don't then I expect you are not that close to them, or at least they are not part of your inner circle of friends, so when you eventually move out of that place do you plan to keep in contact with them?

Look, you have a right to be who you are in your own home, whatever about not wanting to show affection in public. If your housemates think less of you for having a boyfriend then that is their problem, not yours.

nozipcode · 30-08-2015 8:46pm

What's wrong with you bringing your mate into your own bedroom to chill n listen to music or watch stuff on the laptop? It's none of your housemates business what you do in your room!
And it's certainly safer than getting off with each other in alley ways!
How did you two get together? Are you together because youre both gay, or because you both fancy each other?

freshpopcorn · 31-08-2015 5:41am

I'll give you my best advice. Some people here mightn't like it. Sorry if I offend anybody.
I'd say just say very casually to your room mates that ye're seen one another.
There's a chance they might all ready know you gay. I know a good few gay people including family and wasn't surprised when any of them came out.
Chances are they'd be cool about it.
I know lots of guys who are cool with same sex marriage, have gay friends. One thing tough is they don't like guys getting too touchy/feely in front of them. I'm not saying do nothing but use your common sense.
Regarding, being in public this is something you'd have to come to terms with. You'd have to read the vibe of the pub/club/street/area. I'd knew go too over the top with somebody in public but that's just me. Have you tried going to gay bars/clubs. I'd be very careful going into alley ways with him because this coukd be very dangerous.

LegacyUser · 31-08-2015 9:52pm

Ten of Swords wrote: »

Op I have to say I agree with the above post. If your friends know and your housemates don't then I expect you are not that close to them, or at least they are not part of your inner circle of friends, so when you eventually move out of that place do you plan to keep in contact with them?

Look, you have a right to be who you are in your own home, whatever about not wanting to show affection in public. If your housemates think less of you for having a boyfriend then that is their problem, not yours.

I think you're right. The fear I have is making the house uncomfortable to live in as a result of coming out. But I guess it might not be a huge issue seeing as I don't socialise with my housemates outside of the house.

nozipcode wrote: »

How did you two get together? Are you together because youre both gay, or because you both fancy each other?

We met online. I'm not sure what you mean by your second question. Of course we like each other, why would we be together otherwise?

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I'll give you my best advice. Some people here mightn't like it. Sorry if I offend anybody.
I'd say just say very casually to your room mates that ye're seen one another.
There's a chance they might all ready know you gay. I know a good few gay people including family and wasn't surprised when any of them came out.
Chances are they'd be cool about it.
I know lots of guys who are cool with same sex marriage, have gay friends. One thing tough is they don't like guys getting too touchy/feely in front of them. I'm not saying do nothing but use your common sense.
Regarding, being in public this is something you'd have to come to terms with. You'd have to read the vibe of the pub/club/street/area. I'd knew go too over the top with somebody in public but that's just me. Have you tried going to gay bars/clubs. I'd be very careful going into alley ways with him because this coukd be very dangerous.

I'm pretty confident they don't know I'm gay. None of my friends knew until I told them and were surprised because they thought I was very straight acting (their words!).

I wish I was more open with being affectionate in public, but I don't know how. If I'm being honest, I rarely see two guys holding hands, or kissing in public. I don't know if it's something that we should try or if it's even a solution to our problem.

How do you guys that are in a relationship "behave" in public? Would people know you're a couple by looking at you?

nozipcode · 14-09-2015 11:12am

bananana wrote: »

We met online. I'm not sure what you mean by your second question. Of course we like each other, why would we be together otherwise?

I asked because you said this:

bananana wrote: »

Even if we want to make out it gets really difficult. It's very hard to find privacy without going down some dark and dingy ally, which is not what anyone wants. I don't know if it's because we're gay, or we're just not good at public displays of affection. Either way, it's not a good situation and we're growing apart as a result.

Has anyone else been in this position? Is there any way of making this work, or what steps do you think we can take to get over our fears?

Thank you.

To be honest if i was renting my own room and was with a guy that I really fancied, and I was out, I wouldn't be giving two thoughts to what my housemates thought I was up to. People have sex. The fact you're seeing this guy makes it even less of an issue. It's not like you're bringing strangers back to the house on a regular basis. I'm struggling to see the source of your issue, that's all. Sorry if I can across rude. Is the issue the exact same on his side, can he never accommodate?

As for public displays of affection; if it's something you'd like to ease into then try going for a coffee somewhere you feel safe and that has a couch, and you know, sit in close to one another, you don't have to hold hands, maybe one arm over your fella, a mini-cuddle basically.

jobbridge4life · 14-09-2015 6:18pm

Honestly I think you are conflating two separate issues and most probably because they are interacting in such an awkward way. The issues are,

- the general awkwardness caused by being in the closet; and,
- relationship troubles.

Being in the closet is crummy in general, it gets worse the more non-closet activities you engage in and that scale increases proportionally as you move from listening to Beyonce, watching Musicals, having other gay friends, having male friends 'stay over' and graduate on to snogging on the couch and drunken shenanigans.

These problems can frustrate a relationship and could ultimately be fatal to it but that is only if the relationship is open to that influence. A relationship can withstand all the above and even on occasion be strengthened by it if it is the right kind of relationship. So you need to make sure that you can tell the difference between your relationship being frustrated and your relationship being frustrating.

I am curious, do you share your bedroom with another person? If not and you wish to remain closeted then buy an inflatable mattress, inflate it bring your boyfriend over, lock your door and just leave the inflated mattress on the floor as an empty decoy. If you are worried about noise just be quiet and turn on some music.

irish_dave_83 · 16-09-2015 1:37pm

I understand that you are probably shy about showing your affection to your bf in public and that is fine. But if you are in your own home(rented or otherwise) you are allow cuddle with your boyfriend on the couch or whatever and as previous have said before what happens in your room is your business. Once the both of you aren't dry humping on the couch no reasonable person will care. Same goes for a straight couple.

One step at a time be comfortable where you live, your anxiety may lessen for both of you when it comes to being out in public.

Good Luck with it though!!!

In the closet - relationship losing spark?

Comments