Gay but not 'realizing' it

William F · 12-09-2015 5:19am #1

Have you heard this expression before?

It seems to be all the go these days where someone is gay but 'doesn't realize it'.

How could someone be gay and not realize it?

mattP · 12-09-2015 8:23am

William F wrote:

How could someone be gay and not realize it?

Well, everyone is basically presumed to be straight in today's world, so its not uncommon for people to assume themselves straight and breeze along as such, without paying too much attention to themselves and how they really feel.

Annasopra · 12-09-2015 9:44am

Internalised homophobia basically pushing any possible feelings.

Actually I think this happened much more in the past then it does now.

Nialler85 · 12-09-2015 9:52am

Well I don't know if I'm gay or bi but I literally never had any attraction to guys in until 25. No reason to surpress any feelings as I never had them before then!

martinjudge73 · 12-09-2015 9:54am

William F wrote: »

Have you heard this expression before?

It seems to be all the go these days where someone is gay but 'doesn't realize it'.

How could someone be gay and not realize it?

Unless the confusion is actually causing the person a problem then does it matter? Even in the "straight" world there are a vast spectrum of sexual orientations. Some guys get turned on my older women while and others the opposite and some by Girls. You could apply the label Straight to them, but in reality no every attraction or orientation is healthy.

Same with being Gay. Visually I am only turned on mature men, this has been the case since I was a teenager. Now if I was turned on by younger men, teenagers or boys, While their are of the male sex, no every attraction I would have is right.

Then there are Men who are very effeminate and people think are gay, but they are not.

Sexual orientation is a vast spectrum. You can't really divide it into buckets and say that is what you are. I am 99% visually attracted to men, a naked women in a photo does not turn me on. However in bed as soon as a women touches me I am completely aroused. A photo of a womans breasts does nothing, however I love a womens beauty, how they dress. Its not a sexual attraction, for me its something deeper.

Anyway I am happy in my own skin with what I am now and it took me a long time. But my sexual attractions don't define me as a person. It's just a part of me.

William F · 13-09-2015 10:15am

mattP wrote: »

Well, everyone is basically presumed to be straight in today's world, so its not uncommon for people to assume themselves straight and breeze along as such, without paying too much attention to themselves and how they really feel.

If you have feelings for persons of the same sex how could you not know it?

Also there would have to be a sexual element to it aswel. I mean, a lot of your time would be spent fantasizing having sex with persons of the same sex, and if you masturbate the same.

baby and crumble · 13-09-2015 11:31am

William F wrote: »

If you have feelings for persons of the same sex how could you not know it?

Also there would have to be a sexual element to it aswel. I mean, a lot of your time would be spent fantasizing having sex with persons of the same sex, and if you masturbate the same.

Sexual attraction and desire is really complex. Most people never actually look at themselves and see who they really are. There are so many instances, in particular of women, coming out in their 40's and 50's, who had just never entertained the idea of same sex attraction until they met a lesbian, or someone who made them actively think about it.

The world is structured in a way that tells everyone "men like women, women like men", and when you're told stuff like that it's really easy to internalise it and go with it. To brush off sexual attraction as "oh I think she's beautiful, I'd love
To look like her" or "he's really cool, I'd love to be friends with him".

eviltwin · 13-09-2015 1:12pm

I think it's possible to not be sure. I've always had a degree of attraction to women, I've had intimate relations with women but have been in a relationship with a man for twenty years so I'm not looking and therefore don't really think about my sexuality much. I'm with a man so it's easy to call myself straight. I still see women I fancy, not many but it happens. It's only in the last year or so I'm coming around to the idea that I'm bisexual. I'm 38.

William F · 20-09-2015 11:13am

How bad is coming out for somebody? Can it really interfere with their ability to carry out everyday tasks like holding down a job and living with people?

One eyed Jack · 20-09-2015 11:28am

William F wrote: »

Have you heard this expression before?

It seems to be all the go these days where someone is gay but 'doesn't realize it'.

How could someone be gay and not realize it?

I've heard it used by people who are too ignorant to know any better than to label other people according to their own stereotypical prejudices.

Someone could easily be gay and not know they're gay if they have never heard of, or never understood what 'gay' means, or any number of hundreds of other labels that are being used in the last 30 years or so.

William F wrote: »

How bad is coming out for somebody? Can it really interfere with their ability to carry out everyday tasks like holding down a job and living with people?

It's the trying to hide it that interferes more with their ability to carry out everyday tasks like holding down a job and living with people. It's the fear they have of rejection. Trying to hide something is always going to be much more difficult than not trying to hide it.

Rachiee · 20-09-2015 11:30am

William F wrote: »

How bad is coming out for somebody? Can it really interfere with their ability to carry out everyday tasks like holding down a job and living with people?

It depends on where you are from, your families culture etc. It can be really hard for people and people can be asked to leave the family home it's not as common in Ireland practically unheard of in Dublin but still happens a lot in America. most jobs wouldn't be too affected but it could definitely affect you as a teacher not sure if section 37 has been removed yet but if it has been it only happened this year. A lot of time the fear of rejection I'd much bigger than the actual risk of it I'd say most of the time actually. But I think it's really disrespectful to think that it should be easy for people nowadays everyone's circumstances are different.

William F · 20-09-2015 3:57pm

Rachiee wrote: »

It depends on where you are from, your families culture etc. It can be really hard for people and people can be asked to leave the family home it's not as common in Ireland practically unheard of in Dublin but still happens a lot in America. most jobs wouldn't be too affected but it could definitely affect you as a teacher not sure if section 37 has been removed yet but if it has been it only happened this year. A lot of time the fear of rejection I'd much bigger than the actual risk of it I'd say most of the time actually. But I think it's really disrespectful to think that it should be easy for people nowadays everyone's circumstances are different.

I can imagine the countryside is a lot different since the Papacy has a lot of influence the further you go outside the cities thus leaving people more vulnerable to superstition.

baby and crumble · 20-09-2015 5:18pm

William F wrote: »

How bad is coming out for somebody? Can it really interfere with their ability to carry out everyday tasks like holding down a job and living with people?

Coming out itself - the act of telling people you're gay- i scary. No matter how confident you are that your family & friends will support you, there is always a niggle in the back of your mind.

What is worse is the time immediately before you decide to come out. You've "come out" to yourself, acknowledged maybe after a struggle of years that you are gay, and you've become o with it. In that in between time, it becomes this huge thing. It's only in your own head, really, but you feel like every single thing you say has to be checked before you say it, to make sure the pronouns aren't too obvious- you use a lot of "they" and "people" instead of he and she.

It's exhausting to feel you have to double and triple check every single thing coming out of your mouth before you say it. It's really stressful, and yeah, that can have a massive effect on your concentration- you find yourself spending more time making sure you don't say exactly which bar you were at at the weekend instead of on your job. And it's way WAY easier to live on your own in the midst of all this than with other people. My final year of school and first couple of years of college were awful, simply because I was in boarding school and lived with friends for college and I just felt so trapped like I just couldn't relax in my own home in case someone asked me how my love life was, or who I fancied. It was awful, until I came out. Then it was grand.

Annasopra · 20-09-2015 6:27pm

William F wrote: »

I can imagine the countryside is a lot different since the Papacy has a lot of influence the further you go outside the cities thus leaving people more vulnerable to superstition.

I think rural Ireland is much more accepting of lgbt people nowadays. Remember every single constituency bar one passed marriage equality. That probably wouldn't have happened 10 years ago.

Pai Mei · 20-09-2015 8:51pm

I might as well chime in here cause I have a somewhat relevant story. When I was younger I was attracted to guys and watched gay porn, but to me I wasn't gay. It was something I came across and I liked more than straight porn. I never really questioned it. It was more like just what I was into. Then a year or two later my sexuality became the topic of gossip among some of my peers in school. I don't really blame them because I prob would have done the same if the situation was reversed. It was a small school in a rural enough place. But anyway hearing the gossip and stuff made me begin to think about whether I was actually gay. Anyway I came to the realization that I was in fact gay.

You might wonder how I could be watching gay porn and not realise I was gay, but at that age I never needed to start looking inside myself and doing soul searching or whatever. There was a weird disconnect between what I was doing and who I was. I had obviously thought about the possibility of being gay but until others around me had begun to question it then that's when I really began to question it myself. I never said to myself "I am gay" until a while after I began questioning myself. It takes a while to come to terms with and longer to build up the courage to tell others that you are gay. I would say it is a difficult process of discovery but I would definitely say that it is very possible to be gay and not "realise" it.

mattP · 20-09-2015 10:15pm

Pai Mei wrote:

You might wonder how I could be watching gay porn and not realise I was gay, but at that age I never needed to start looking inside myself and doing soul searching or whatever. There was a weird disconnect between what I was doing and who I was. I had obviously thought about the possibility of being gay but until others around me had begun to question it then that's when I really began to question it myself. I never said to myself "I am gay" until a while after I began questioning myself. It takes a while to come to terms with and longer to build up the courage to tell others that you are gay. I would say it is a difficult process of discovery but I would definitely say that it is very possible to be gay and not "realise" it.

This resonates so much with me. As far back as I can remember I liked boys and not girls. I also knew that a boy who liked other boys was gay - but those two thoughts didnt come near each other for years. I remember when I was in sixth class or so it hit me that I was in fact gay - and I was inconsolable. I remember dreading going into secondary school. Being scared out of my mind if people found out.
Years on now and its all fine

21-09-2015 9:26am

William F wrote: »

How could someone be gay and not realize it?

I have no idea what it must be like - but I have certainly observed it. Many do not want to think they are "different" really. Others "notice" their feelings but assume they will just go away. Others bury them or engage in self-denial. The list goes on.

And it appears from my limited experience to be very unhealthy. They gay guys I have known who did not realise it or fought against it ended up in a variety of ways being quite messed up. One even became an extreme hermit introvert who ended up having legal issues over questionable porn.

But when they did acknowledge it and they started to be themselves - the personality and other changes that cascaded through their life were as massive as they were fast. They literally transformed over night.

So my sympathies do lie with people going through it - as they do with anyone who is having issues with self acceptance.

William F · 22-09-2015 11:58am

Deleted User wrote: »

I have no idea what it must be like - but I have certainly observed it. Many do not want to think they are "different" really. Others "notice" their feelings but assume they will just go away. Others bury them or engage in self-denial. The list goes on.

Yes I observed too in some homeless people. Some look as though they might be gay and they either don't know whats wrong with them or they just can't accept it.
Very sad really that someone would chose to be a junkie or homeless over being gay.

22-09-2015 12:08pm

Can not say I can think of any examples of that myself. Though I am not even sure what it means to "look as if you might be gay". What does a gay person LOOK like exactly?

The reasons people end up homeless are as numerous as there are people homeless I would imagine. And turning to drink or drugs as a result of being unable to accept oneself on some level - not only ones sexuality as there are many ways people fail at self acceptance that have nothing to do with sexuality - is far from unheard of.

I think portraying it that they "choose to be a junkie or homeless over being gay" is massively over simplifying things. Rather I think nearly no one chooses such things - but instead they make a series of choices that seemed right at the time - and some of them may even have been right at the time - but culminated in ending up in a bad place.

And there are of course some - though hopefully not many - people who did not choose to be homeless at all but in fact when they revealed their sexuality it is their own family that turfed them out on the street and cut them off. Not sure if that happens in Ireland so much as in the more politically right wing Christian areas of the US and other similar scenarios though. I honestly have no figures on this.

Gay but not 'realizing' it

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